


Two and a Half Steps

by notnowcommander



Series: Two and a Half Steps [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-05-12 03:57:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 100,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5651638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following a brutal break up, Kaidan swears a new relationship is the last thing he needs. His roommate Ashley has other ideas. When the new girl in apartment 4A of 2183 Normandy Court moves in, Ashley believes Shepard - a tough and wild personal trainer at the local gym, who ends up at Kaidan’s IT desk more times than the average person - might just be the girl for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They’d had three new neighbors in the past two years they’d lived in apartment 4B in 2183 Normandy Court. Apartment 4A seemed to be some sort of dead zone, where no one stayed to the end of their lease. First, it was the old woman. She left within two months after claiming she was visited by spirits who threatened to microwave her decrepit dog that never shut the hell up, especially at night. She wasn’t cut out for this place anyway. Being old, there was no elevator, and everyone was constantly tripping up the stairs.

Then there was the tribe of dudebros, all trying to fit into the one bedroom split. There were bunk beds in the living room, and apparently two more shoved into the one bedroom. it was a chaotic mess and the lovely stench of marijuana and pickles was constantly floating through the vents.

The next guy to live there was a middle aged man, down on his luck. He stayed for about eight months, before deciding to drop everything and become a mime in the local park. Apparently, mimes did not need apartments. He seemed to be doing rather well for himself too, and they regularly passed him on their walks to work.

So when Kaidan saw someone else moving in, he had to believe that there was a ticking time bomb on this one as well. Nobody had lasted to their year long lease. This was going to be no different. He and Ashley had toured the apartment when they first began renting their apartment, but at the time, they’d both had significant others, and wanted bedrooms of their own, so across the hall it was. 

Ashley peeked through the viewfinder as Kaidan heard clunking up the stairs. She stood on her toes to see out and eagerly awaited seeing who their new neighbor was. She wobbled several times, colliding with the door.

“Ash, they’re going to notice,” Kaidan grumbled. 

“No they won’t. No one is going to look right through this thing and into our apartment. If they do, we have some weird ass neighbors and have to watch our backs. I will  _ not  _ be inviting them over for drinks.”

“Please, don’t invite the new neighbors over for drinks in the first place.”

“It looks like just one person so far. A girl.”

Kaidan grunted, pulling his blanket around his body tighter, and shut his eyes. He contemplated a second nap of the day where he ignored his responsibilities and became a sad lump on the couch, at least until he had work. Time off from work did that to him, rendered him useless to just overthink and mope. Ashley heard him move, and drew her glance to him. She sighed, crossing her arms. 

“You going to move at all?”

He shook his head. “I have work soon.”

“Bad day?” she asked.

He nodded. Ashley kneeled in front of him on the couch. She pushed one of his dark curls out of his face and sighed sadly. He shut his eyes and pulled away from her just slightly, tucking himself under the covers. “Kaidan…”

“It’s fine, Ash. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Yeah, I do. You’re my best friend, and you look like shit. You hardly ever get off the couch now, and just aren’t the same. I mean, at least your hair is washed.”

“I’m coping,” he said.

“Hang on.”

Ashley vanished and slipped into his bedroom. He listened carefully as he heard an angry meow and Ashley hiss an expletive. 

“Get over here, you piece of shit!” she snapped. 

The cat hissed, but she won, scooping it up and carrying it back to the couch, mewling the entire time. Ashley returned to the living room with Oleg in her arms. Oleg was an ancient cat who weighed ten pounds more than normal cats were supposed to. It was actually a miracle he’d lived this long. They’d taken him in and convinced Zaeed - their downstairs neighbor - not to shoot him with a BB gun, but the cat had always been Kaidan’s. Ashley despised the obese feline, and took every opportunity possible to tell her friend such.

Oleg leapt from her arms to his owner, and curled up right next to Kaidan. He took his cat and draped an arm over the beast protectively. He opened up one eye and frowned at Ashley.

“Oleg doesn't like when you’re mean to him. He has feelings.”

Ashley nodded. “I know, and judging by his size, he eats all of them.”

Kaidan leaned down and kissed the top of Oleg’s head. The cat purred happily and nudged Kaidan with his head to demand more petting. “It’s okay, buddy. I still love you.”

“You need to get going to work,” she said, nudging him. 

Kaidan nodded. “I know.”

Kaidan sat up, careful not to nudge Oleg. The cat curled up in his blanket and went back to sleep. Before Kaidan could head to his room to change for work, Ashley grabbed him and pulled him into her arms. Ashley was tiny, but so strong and fierce. She could hold him back and had a control over him that few others had ever had. She knew the inner workings of him, and how to get him to stop, how to get him to go. She knew it all by now.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Kaidan sighed and held onto her back. He rested his head on top of hers and let her stay there for just a moment. When she said it, part of him had to believe her. It took away the pain, and the longing that filled his chest more days than not. Of course, he had her, and while their friendship was hardly conventional, most of the time it felt like enough. Except more and more lately, nights tangled up in the sheets with her, holding each other close weren’t fixing anything. In fact, they made him feel worse after for just lying to himself.

“Thanks,” he whispered. 

She picked his head up and looked at him. “I promise you it is.”

Kaidan didn’t want to think about it, really. He spent enough time doing that as was, and feeling sorry for himself. But sometimes, it was just all too hard to forget. Ashley bounced on her toes and kissed his forehead. She smoothed her hands down his chest and smiled.

“Okay, time for work.”

Kaidan smiled back and stepped into his room, with Oleg following. The cat used all its strength to hop onto his bed and curl up there. Kaidan stripped his shirt off and changed into his god awful work uniform. Khakis and a horrendous royal blue Best Buy polo shirt. He always made sure to take it off right away so that the damage was minimal when he came home. He’d been working there for a year and a half, and still… it was way too funny to her.

He stepped back out of his room and took his keys, sliding them into his back pocket. “Alright, I’ll see you later.”

She nodded. “Have fun. Save those computers.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

He pushed open the door, and glanced across the hall to the open apartment. He couldn’t make out the tenant, and presumed they were hidden somewhere behind the wall of boxes on the ground in the living room. He hoped they were… well… normal. Not a disturbance at least.

The apartments at 2183 Normandy Court contained an eclectic bunch. Some of the tenants had been there for ages, and others were newbies like them. There was Garrus and Tali two floors below them, the young couple who seemed to have an alarming amount of dietary restrictions, but were fun nonetheless. Kaidan enjoyed their company because both of them loved to talk programming and tech about as much as he did, and for Ash, Tali adored trashy soap opera marathons. And then Jack directly below them, constantly playing loud music and offering to give Kaidan free tattoos whenever he wanted, which he had yet to take her up on. Next to her lived Liara, the quiet doctor who Ash had been trying to coax out of her shell for months now.

And downstairs, on the bottom floor, lived Zaeed and Samara, across the hall from one another. Samara was a quiet woman who kept to herself, offering some kind of psychic service out of her apartment, and did lots of yoga on the front lawn. Zaeed, a retired cop, who Kaidan and Ash theorized was actually a hitman, was normally found outside as well, with a BB gun in hand to shoot off any animals that tried to eat through the trash. 

He was outside at the moment, when Kaidan walked by. Zaeed tipped his glass of whiskey at him and tilted his sunglasses down. 

“Nice shirt,” Zaeed teased, while his own shirt was something hideous and yellow with white hibiscus flowers on it.

“Yeah, you too, Massani. Keep up the good fight,” Kaidan replied.

Zaeed cocked his gun. “Rodent bastards.”

Kaidan smirked and kept walking until he reached the large Best Buy down the street. The store was situated next to a new gym that had just opened up, and when he worked morning shifts, he frequently had to dodge the soccer moms trying to get to their morning Zumba classes. He had just a few qualms with their location choice. Just a few.

He quickly checked the schedule, and saw that today, he’d be working the IT desk, and sighed. It was far easier for him to explain to clueless older people that they just had to turn their iPhone on and off to get it to work right again than to try to sell people computers and gaming consoles. Part of it, was also that here, he had to smile and pretend to be happy far less frequently.

Miranda, one of his co-workers and immediate supervisor, sat at her desk near the help desk and greeted him.

“Afternoon, Kaidan.”

“Yeah, you too,” he said, taking a seat.

“Hackett needs you to take a look at that iPod on the counter there. Check for water damage.”

He sighed. “It’s  _ always  _ water damage.”

Miranda nodded and held her hands up in surrender. “I know it is. However, the mums and dads never want to admit their child dropped their electronics in the toilet.”

“Well, would you?” he asked.

She laughed under her breath. “Well, no, but we know better. At least I’m not as bad as you, cranky-pants. Telling people without damage that there was…”

Kaidan crumpled a memo on his desk and tossed it at her. “Hey, that kid was going to demand the parents buy them a new one anyway. I gave them a discount. Little punk-ass.”

He reached for the flashlight on his desk and shone it down the audio jack of the gadget and sighed. Half of the jack was tinted slightly pink“Yep, water damage.”

“Alright, I’ll go tell them.”

“I can do that?” he said.

She stood up, smoothing out the uniform that somehow looked great on her. Miranda could pull anything off. Sometimes Kaidan wondered if she had some kind of genetic engineering or how she won the looks lottery so big. 

“You look like shit, and I can tell you’re miserable. You man the phone.”

He sighed. “Fine. And Miranda… thanks.”

She nodded. “Sure thing.”

Just as Miranda left, a middle aged woman with a neon pink polo shirt and white Bermuda shorts approached the help desk. Kaidan smiled and looked attentive as she set her iPhone down on the counter.

“Hi, young man,” she started, “I seem to be having some trouble with this darn phone here. It’s doing a weird thing where I can’t get onto Facebook.”

Kaidan held out a hand for the phone and sighed. “Ma’am, have you tried turning it on and off?”

***

Kaidan pulled himself up the four flights of stairs to get to the apartment, and couldn’t wait to throw himself on the couch with a couple shots of whiskey and beer, and fall asleep with only the hope that tomorrow wouldn’t feel this terrible.

He heard grunts at the top of the stairs and a loud thud. It was quickly followed by a woman spewing profanities. He reached the top of the stairs and saw that the door to 4A was still wide open. Except this time, he caught a very tiny woman trying to haul a massive box across the apartment. He bit on his lip and knocked on the doorframe. She grunted and placed the box on the ground, giving it a small kick before heading to the door.

“Hi, can I help you?” she asked.

She was short, probably no more than a few inches above five feet, with short red hair, pulled into a messy bun atop her head. Her nose and cheeks were littered with freckles, and she had the brightest green eyes Kaidan had ever seen. She wore leggings and a big cut off t-shirt, and had hardly a drop of makeup on her face. 

She was… well… beautiful.

He immediately bit down on his lip and chided himself for even thinking it. There was no point in thinking it if he was never going to act on it, and he certainly wouldn’t. He didn’t have anymore room for heartache.

“I… uh… I was going to ask you the same thing?” he started. “I live right here, in 4B, so I guess you’re the new neighbor. Uh, hi.”

The girl bent down and tried to hoist the box again with no success. Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Do you need some help with that?”

She looked back at the massive box in her apartment and groaned. “Yeah, actually, that would be great. Normally, I’d tell you to shove it, but that size box isn’t kind to someone with a short arm span like me.”

Kaidan stepped closer, tripping over the half step to her apartment. There were technically two and a half between his and her place, and he naturally, had tripped on the last half. Excellent.

“Yeah, no problem. Where do you want it?”

She stroked her jaw. “Well, I was trying to get it to the kitchen that way I could take the contents apart to go into the bedroom, but now that I’ve got a nice strong man here, can you just stick it on the bed for me?”

She directed him to the bedroom behind the kitchen and crossed her arms as he carried it into her room. He placed it carefully on her bed and groaned as he placed it down. 

“There you go,” he said.

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

He took a moment to look around the apartment. The whole building had been a warehouse back in the day, before they gutted it and turned it into a housing complex. But the builders had left the large, somewhat charred and dirty windows intact, which made for a nice, rustic atmosphere. It had been a selling point for he and Ash.

“This is a pretty nice place,” he said, “my roommate and I toured this one, but I guess they did some renovations.”

The woman nodded and fixed a stray hair leaving her bun. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool, and it’s close to work, so it works out nice.”

“Oh, where do you work?”

“The gym that just opened up down the street. I’m working there as a personal trainer starting Monday.”

Kaidan nodded. “Nice. I work next door. I’ll probably… see you around.”

“Yeah, I might, Geek Squad,” she teased.

He blushed and rubbed his neck again. “Oh, well, yeah…”

“It’s okay. I know who to come to when I break something.”

They paused for a moment, and Kaidan stuffed his hands in his pockets. 

“Uh, I’m Kaidan, by the way.”

She looked up and smiled. “Just call me Shepard.”

“Shepard? That’s it?”

She nodded. “Yeah, uh, it’s my last name. I just prefer it. It’s what everyone calls me.”

“Alright, Shepard…”

“Can I get you anything? A beer, some kind of food as a reward for helping me out?”

Shepard glanced down at his hand, noting whether or not there was a ring on his finger. He looked away and bit down on his bottom lip. 

_ There should have been something there.  _

Kaidan met her bright green eyes, and something tightened in his chest, and it wasn’t good. He knew this wasn’t normal, some kind of distortion in his head that made him feel like there was no one to trust, no one aside from Ashley and his family. That anyone else was just bad news.

_ She’s just a girl,  _ he reminded himself.  _ She’s not out to hurt you. _

“Um, no, I’m good,” he said, swallowing. “I should get home to start making dinner 

“Okay,” she added, her voice trailing off. “Well, thank you. I guess I’ll see you around?”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course. Have a nice night.”

He stepped backward out of her apartment and sighed as she shut the door. He was stupid, and he wished he wasn’t like this more and more each day. It was too easy to blame the person that made him this way, too easy to push the blame on them. But god, he wished he could.

Ashley opened up the door. “Oh, hey, I thought I heard you come up the stairs.”

He shook himself out of his anxiety and looked up. “Oh, yeah… sorry.”

“You alright?”

He furrowed his brows and breathed in. A smell, spicy and strong, slipped out from inside the apartment. He looked up.

“You cooked?”

She nodded, twiddling her thumbs. “Well, I tried to. I knew you were having a bad day and I felt bad. I tried to make steak, but I didn’t really know how to cook it, so I cut it up and made fajitas because I do know how to make that. And there’s beer. Come on in.”

Kaidan smiled. “Thanks, Ash.”

“Don’t mention in. Now get your ass in here before the food gets cold,” she teased, pulling him inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up in a new place was always strange for Shepard, especially now. It wasn’t so unusual when she was actually moving in, but at the current moment, it was strange to think that this new place was permanent. But she certainly wasn’t complaining. She’d been in the city for a few years now, and knew it was going to be a good place for her. But a new home really brought her good feelings.

The apartment was gorgeous, a gutted out warehouse with huge sprawling windows against the back of the apartment, a view that looked out on the bustling city and let the sun in in just the right ways. She’d succeeded in putting together her bed in record time, and plopping the massive mattress on top of it. She was still in the process of putting the place together, but it did feel like home… already. It was better than most places. 

She stretched her arms above her head and trudged out of her room. She poured water into the coffee machine and waited for it to brew, leaning her head against her arms at the kitchen counter. She wasn’t sure how much time passed, but when there was no pleasurable gurgle of the coffee machine brewing her cup, she opened her eyes and looked up. Her eyes trailed the cord coming from the body of the machine and to the unoccupied outlet. She stood up and plugged it in, and repeated the cycle. 

While the coffee brewed, she did her morning rounds of cardio, otherwise work was going to be a real bitch. She thought that building and putting together an apartment all by herself would have counted as some kind of workout, but if she played it safe, she’d regret it. 

Shepard stripped out of her sweatshirt, placing it on the back of her chair and dropping to the ground for the first one hundred crunches. She caught a glimpse of her bare skin in the reflection from the fridge, and looked away. 

_ New places don’t erase the past _ , she reminded herself.

She ran her fingers along the burn scars on the side of her stomach, and the scar that jutted through her eyebrow and the small one across her lip seemed to stick out stronger now that she was focused on it. She could have sworn she was still seeing bruises that definitely weren’t there.

She did the first part of her workout, when the coffee machine dinged and poured the drink into her mug. Before she could claim it, she did twenty-five leg lifts on each side, and then repeated with fifteen in the same fashion. She quickly chugged down the coffee, black, before repeating the entire routine, with some side crunches thrown in.

Shepard changed, sliding on a sports bra and athletic top, and a pair of yoga pants. Her phone buzzed, a message from James, asking her if she could bring him a protein shake since he’d left his bottle at home. Clearly, that was how he planned to say good morning.

She mixed two smoothies, one for him, and one for her, and tucked hers into her backpack cupholder to not get them mixed up, and set out for the day.

Alliance Fitness was just two blocks down the road, next to the Best Buy that her new neighbor apparently worked at. She’d been working as a trainer here for several months now, and it was the best job she’d been lucky enough to have. While the move from her old apartment wasn’t planned, and wasn’t ideal, she couldn’t complain with her much shorter commute now.

She stepped inside, scanned her badge with Traynor, and greeted the secretary good morning. Shepard liked that she could expect to see the same people, at varying parts of the day. It was constant, and allowed her time to really know the clients. She knew that each morning the quiet and spiritual Thane would be in for yoga before the crowds emerged, and sometimes a woman named Samara would join him, and that her boss, David Anderson, would make the rounds each morning at 10:30, and in the afternoon at 2:30. Steve Cortez and Joker, the pilots, would stop by when they weren’t on duty and do weights. Well, with Joker’s legs, he avoided much walking and instead worked on his arms.

“Hola, Lola,” James chimed from inside the employee locker room.

“Morning, James,” she said, passing him his drink.

“You’re a lifesaver.”

She nodded. “I know. You don’t have to tell me twice.”

“How’s the new pad?” he asked, taking a sip.

Shepard slipped her backpack off and into her locker. “It’s nice. However, it would have been really great if I had  _ someone  _ help me move shit around.”

James raised his hands in surrender. “ _ Dios,  _ Lola. Anderson put me on elderly aerobics last night. I wanted to go home and drink half a bottle of tequila after that.”

Shepard rolled her eyes and smiled. “Fair enough. Besides, don’t worry, the hunk next door beat you to it.”

James’ eyes widened and he wiped the dripping protein shake from his lip. “Oh, man, did you go for the vanilla flavored powder this morning?”

Shepard crossed her arms. “So what if I did? You have an issue with it?”

She left the locker room with James trailing behind her. “It’s an overwhelming taste.”

“Vega, you can hardly taste it. And when you can, it’s like ice cream. I’ve never heard someone complain about ice cream before.”

She met James at the wrestling mats and set her drink down. He did the same and cracked his neck on both sides. “I’m overwhelmed. So, this hunk next door?”

She set herself in position to begin sparring with him and shook her head. “I was busting you.”

“So, there is no hunk next door?” 

Shepard threw a punch, which he dodged and held up a parry to block with one arm. She raised a knee and threw it into his side. James grunted and blocked his head as she went in for an elbow strike at his head. Whenever they fought, it was hardly real fighting, mostly kickboxing strategies to get the blood pumping and adrenaline going. 

She shrugged. “I wouldn’t say that. He did come in and help me move something. But he seems quiet. I’m afraid I’d break him or hurt him.”

James smiled back, backing up as she swung her leg. “Shepard, there isn’t anyone in the world you couldn’t break.”

“No, he’s a nice guy. Works next door.”

“Best Buy?” he asked. “Can he fix my phone?”

“Anyone would take one look at that thing and know you fucked up, Vega. At least now you know that trying to listen to Enrique Iglesias in the shower isn’t the smartest idea.”

James furrowed his brows and threw two punches, one on each side at Shepard. She blocked both of them, but missed his knee colliding with her stomach.

“Shit!” she said.

“He’s an icon, okay?”

Shepard smiled and shook the blow off. “Alright, fanboy. Tell yourself that.”

The door to the wrestling room popped open and Anderson poked his head in. “Shepard! You’ve got a client waiting.”

She checked her watch. “Damn, they’re ten minutes early.”

Anderson stepped inside and rolled his eyes. “They are. Apparently her husband bought her several training sessions for her birthday to tone up her body for Summer. She told me all about it.”

Shepard tossed her towel over her shoulder and groaned. “Oh god. One of those.”

“One of those,” he repeated.

“Alright, I’m on it.”

“See you later, Lola,” James said.

“Have fun with your vanilla shake, punk.”

 

***

Shepard trudged her way up the stairs. Her legs ached harder than most days. Her client for the day had demanded she demonstrate all of the workouts they were going to do, and did them so slowly so that she could keep up. Long story short, Shepard  _ hated  _ new clients who hadn’t worked out in twenty five years.

When she reached the top level of the building, she heard the door across from her pop open. She reached for her keys, but jumped when she saw someone standing at the top of the stairs with a large garbage bag. 

It was a girl - not the neighbor she’d met yesterday - with dark hair pulled into a neat bun at the back of her neck. Her skin was even and tan, and she wore business casual attire, which somehow didn’t seem to fit her look.

“Oh, hey!” she said.

“Hi,” Shepard replied.

“You’re the new neighbor, in 4A.”

Shepard nodded. “That’s me.”

“I’m Ashley. I live in 4B, right here.”

“I’m Shepard, nice to meet you.”

“I don’t know if you’ve got plans tonight, but you’re more than welcome to come over for drinks for a bit?”

Shepard thought for a moment. This Ashley girl seemed nice enough, and if Kaidan was her roommate, certainly they were both normal. So she thought. He seemed pretty agreeable too. And besides, having people nearby that were friendly enough would be nice.

“Uh, yeah that sounds good. I’ll just shower and get dressed and be over.”

 

***

 

Kaidan returned from work around 7:30, and heard noise in the apartment. He sighed, and accepted that he’d need to be social this evening. It wasn’t exactly on his list of things he wanted to do today. Whoever was over, he just hoped that Ash had beer ready for him.

He stepped into the apartment, and heard Oleg mewl excitedly from his kitty tower. The obese cat ran to Kaidan and quickly rubbed his head against Kaidan’s leg. He bent down to his knees and let the cat climb onto him.

“Hey buddy,” he said, “I missed you.”

Oleg headbutted him lovingly and purred as Kaidan petted the mess of gray fluff on Oleg’s head. He gave the cat a kiss and headed to the kitchen where Ashley and Shepard were enjoying drinks at the kitchen counter.

_ Oh god,  _ he thought,  _ she did it. She invited the new neighbor for drinks.  _

If Kaidan knew one thing about Ashley, it was how relentless she could be. She probably found Shepard at some point during the day, in the hall or just outside the building, and stonewalled her into coming over. Shepard seemed outgoing and fun enough that maybe she didn’t realize the extent of what she’d gotten into. However, it did look like the girls were having fun.

“Oh look, the beast emerges,” Ashley commented, glaring at Kaidan and Oleg.

“Hey, I told you, he only comes out for me.”

Shepard laughed. “He’s not as ugly as you let on.”

Ashley finished her drink. “Eh, Kaidan’s okay.”

“I meant the cat. I’ve already met him.”

“You  _ met  _ him? And  _ he  _ didn’t tell me? Man now I feel stupid.”

Kaidan stepped closer, letting Oleg follow him. He took a seat on the third barstool at the counter and the cat jumped up on his lap. Ashley passed him a beer.

“Yeah, I helped her move a box.”

“He did a good job with it too,” Shepard added.

“Wow, how kind of you. You know, if I ever asked him to do that around here, he’d groan at me and go back to petting his cat.”

Shepard laughed and looked down at Oleg, reaching a hand out. Kaidan paused. “Oh… uh… he’s not very friendly.”

“Come on, he can’t be that bad.”

“I mean, okay…”

Shepard stroked her fingers against the top of Oleg’s head and he shut his eyes, and wiggled happily. He let out a low purr, and when Shepard stopped, he stuck his neck out for her to keep going.

“Holy shit, he doesn’t like anyone.”

“Maybe he knows you’re a cat person,” Kaidan said, “just like he knows Ashley isn’t.”

Ashley frowned. “He started it.”

Shepard got down on her knees in front of Oleg and scratched his head some more.

“Oh, buddy, you like that, don’t you?” she said, her voice soft and teasing. “I think you’re a good little kitty.”

Oleg had taken a liking to exactly two people. Kaidan, and his mother. He loathed his father, and he wouldn’t even go near Ashley. But here this cat was, purring and relaxing with Shepard petting his head. He was even letting her move her hands elsewhere, like to the tuft of hair just below his neck.

“Stupid cat,” Ashley muttered.

Kaidan glanced down at Shepard, who was now leaning her face closer to the cat and scrunching her nose adorably as Oleg let out a happy meow.

_ God, she’s beautiful _ , he thought.  _ She’s cute, and my cat likes her. _

Kaidan took a deep breath in. He’d spent the past several months trying to avoid this sort of thing, trying to keep all of his feelings in because he didn’t know how much it would take to trust someone again, or how long it would take him to find someone who would understand. And maybe he was harsher on himself than he needed to be, maybe he didn’t need to stop himself from finding people attractive, but it kept the pain away.

She stood back up and sat herself on her stool, taking another sip of beer. “Just a warning, I might begin using you for your cat.”

Ashley laughed. “Wow, said no one ever.”

 

***

 

She didn’t know how it happened, but several beers later and at least three hours later, it was just her and Kaidan still awake. They’d enjoyed a few hours of drinking and chatting before Ashley panicked and realized The Bachelor was on, and they needed to migrate to the living room to watch who would get roses. Shepard certainly hadn’t expected to be mushed between Kaidan and Ash, and she didn’t expect for it to get worse once Ashley completely fell asleep on her shoulder. She’d known her less than twenty-four hours, and yet, here she was sleeping soundly against her.

“It happens when she has whiskey,” Kaidan whispered, keeping his voice low.

“She just passes out?”

He nodded. “Oh yeah. Thankfully, we’re not in public.”

Shepard laughed and glanced up at him. She hadn’t been lying earlier when she told James that there was a hot guy next door. She had eyes, and they’d noticed yesterday that Kaidan was indeed very handsome. Even in a horrible, bright blue Best Buy t-shirt and khakis, he looked nice. But she liked this Kaidan better, a few drinks in, not afraid to speak a little more and relax. The TV reflected light onto his face that allowed her to see the nicest details of him, from his strong cheekbones and defined nose, to the faint hints of grey in the scruff along his cheeks and blended throughout his dark hair. 

“Has that happened before?”

He shrugged. “Almost.”

She shifted, trying to keep her arm from falling asleep. Ash’s jaw was digging into her shoulder and beginning to cause some numbness. Kaidan looked over.

“You can scoot a little closer if you want. I’ve got room.”

Shepard carefully eased herself closer, and let her leg rub against his for a brief moment. He seemed to tense up, but relaxed and locked his eyes on her. She didn’t speak for a moment, just let him look. 

“Thanks,” she said.

He nodded, and took another sip to finish his beer. 

“How’s the new place treating you?”

“It’s fine,” she swallowed. “Much nicer than my last.”

“Where was that?” he asked, stretching an arm behind her along the couch. However, there was something casual about it, not as if he were making moves. That much, she could certainly appreciate.

“Nowhere,” she muttered.

He nodded. “I understand. Sorry… if… if it’s a touchy subject.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s fine. I’ll be honest. I’ve got lots of things about my past that aren’t fun to talk about, like everyone else. But I don’t want anyone apologizing for it. It’s dumb and unnecessary. No one has to feel bad for me.”

He furrowed his brows, and pursed his lips as if he were thinking. “Huh…”

“You know, it’s not like you - or anyone - would know. It’s not how you make friends.”

“I guess you’re right about that.”

She laughed again. “So, is this a good start to a friendship? Vaguely discussing skeletons in the closet?”

This time, he laughed too. Shepard admired the way his eyes crinkled a little bit when he smiled. It showed age, but not weariness, because when he smiled - real smiles, at least - he seemed free and happy.

“I think so. Next time we hang out, I’ll show you my favorite anime beastiality porn.”

She snorted, and immediately covered her mouth with her hand. They both glanced down at Ashley, trying to make sure that they didn’t wake her. Kaidan laughed harder, but kept quiet. Shepard leaned into him more and rested her head against his shoulder for a moment.

“I don’t actually have anime beastiality porn,” he clarified, taking a final sip from his beer, as if he needed more alcohol to recover from actually saying that.

She nodded. “Uh huh, sounds like someone with a weird porn stash would say.”

He shrugged. “I’ve cleaned out enough people’s virus ridden hard drives because of it, so I’m a worthy expert on the matter.”

“In that case, I’m a little sorry.”

“Thanks for the sympathy.”

She blushed and looked away. “You know, I should probably get going. I have to be up for work tomorrow pretty early.”

“Mm, yeah, me too,” he said.

Kaidan helped her slip out from underneath Ashley, and let Ash rest her head against his leg. She groaned lightly and reached for him, to which, he just nicely patted her head.

“Thanks for having me over. This was… nice.”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “It was. Do you want me to walk you back to your place?”

She laughed under her breath, shaking her head. “No, it’s like two steps.”

“And a half,” he corrected. “That half step might kill you.”

“Well, I’ll watch out for that,” she teased, and headed for the door.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

 

Miranda walked past Kaidan’s desk and set a cup of fresh Starbucks in front of him. He sighed happily and glanced up at his co-worker. 

“Did I ever mention you’re the best supervisor ever?”

She smirked and stepped over to her desk, eyes skimming over the papers and reports and cases they had to tend to that day. She bit down on her lip and shook her head. “Don’t say that yet. You don’t know what your assignment is today.”

“True enough.”

“Here,” she said, passing Kaidan a file number and directing him to the back room. It was where they kept all of their devices that needed repairs or investigations on whether or not the customer’s insurance claim would hold up (more often than not, it didn’t), and half the time it felt more like a graveyard for parts and dead computers.

Kaidan nearly collided with the tiny woman inside the room and groaned. “Kasumi, are you  _ kidding me? _ ” 

Kasumi Goto had been one of Best Buy’s absolute least favorite part-time employees, and definitely a bad customer. She was a delightful human, Kaidan thought, however, she was almost  _ too  _ good at her job, that she had more than enough free time to hack into the computers and dig around in people’s Internet histories. However, Hackett hadn’t fired her because she was constantly getting them out of jams.

“What? I’m just coming to locate my assignment for the day. Don’t act so suspicious, Kaidan. It’s unbecoming.”

He crossed his arms. “Unbecoming, huh?”

She nodded, tipping her oversized hood off her head. It was definitely not certified work attire. However, few things about Kasumi seemed like a clear match for an employee here. She was small and dainty, pretty and snarky. Whenever she worked the phones for IT, she ended up having half hour conversations with the customer and asking them all about these very private details of their lives, but somehow always getting answers. She was certainly an enigma that he hadn’t put his finger on yet. Half the time, Kaidan thought she might have had legitimate invisibility powers with the way she just appeared sometimes.

“Yes, unbecoming. It makes you look way less cute and handsome. But adds to the dark and brooding look you’ve been sporting lately. The kind that people get over very quickly when they see you have a very perky ass.”

“Kasumi! Please, I just want to get the laptop I have to wipe, and be on my way.”

“Oh, it’s this one,” she said, passing him the bulky PC that had been in her hands. He held it up to his ear and shook it slightly.

“All the pieces?”

Kasumi frowned. “You act as if I’m a thief or something. Well, maybe in an alternate universe or something. Could be cool. I’d definitely wear a cape.”

Kaidan nodded. “You would look dashing in cape.”

“Aww, you say the nicest things. But you’re right, I do have an eight year old’s iPod to fix.”

“That’s unfortunate. Have fun with that.”

He paced back into his office and sat down at the front desk with the laptop in question. He powered it up, and bypassed the login password.

“Oh… there’s the problem already.”

Miranda glanced up and narrowed her eyes. “Oh dear.”

The entire desktop was filled with files, with pictures, and folders that didn’t even have names. Miranda laughed and covered her mouth, not to make it any worse.

“Check the internet browser,” she suggested.

Kaidan skimmed along the bottom taskbar for the browser button and found the only option on the computer was Internet Explorer.

“Oh god,” he muttered, wincing and clicking it.

He opened it to at least nine different extension toolbars and search bars, so much so that he could hardly see the web page in front of them.

“Yahoo, Google, Christian Mingle, MSN, oh  _ god  _ what is this?”

He hesitantly clicked on a certain toolbar link with a winking and kissy face emoji, and waited for the page to load very slowly. Immediately, magic tiny Cupids began flying around the screen and flashing images of Eastern European women baring their asses appeared on screen. It took hardly a second for the moaning sounds to begin.

“What the fuck,” he muttered. 

Miranda looked over her computer screen and her eyes widened. “I didn’t know that was your sort of thing, Kaidan.”

The door to the office opened up and Hackett stepped in. Kaidan panicked and slammed the computer shut, and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Hackett looked over at him and narrowed his eyes. Hackett wasn’t the type of boss to demand complete professionalism, as he seemed to understand how bullshit the job could be at times as well. He was like the cool grandpa Kaidan never had growing up, who slipped the kids whiskey at Thanksgiving dinner while mom and dad weren’t looking.

“Everything okay?”

Kaidan nodded, swallowing. “Peachy.”

Suddenly, another erotic moan lept from the speakers and Hackett’s eyes widened too. Kaidan leaned forward and rested his forehead on his desk.

“It’s a customer’s,” he said.

Hackett folded his hands behind his back. “I really, really don’t want to know, Alenko.”

“Yes, sir,” he groaned.

“I attest to that, boss,” Miranda said. “She had some raunchy toolbars.”

“Mm, pesky,” Hackett muttered. “Well, I just wanted to check in, but I don’t think Alenko wants to be disturbed. Got some busty Scandinavian ladies waiting for him.”

Kaidan let out an audible whimper. 

“And here I only get viruses from FarmersOnly,” Miranda sighed.

Hackett headed out to go examine the rest of the store as he usually did mid-day, and Kaidan went back to running a diagnostic check on the computer, and due to the hard drive storage, it would take at least three hours. He began the scan and leaned back in his chair to watch.

It wasn’t long until someone else approached the desk. She cleared her throat and Kaidan spun around in his chair.

“Can I help-? Oh, hey,” he said, a smile coming to his lips.

Shepard smiled back and gave a quaint wave, pushing her red hair behind her ear. She was sweaty and completely makeup free from work, and still had a towel over her shoulder. Yet, she still looked so good. He was beginning to think that her ‘I could kick your ass’ look was just natural and part of what made her so stunning to him.

“Hey.”

She looked down for a moment, while he remained looking at her. He didn’t think it was possible, not after they bonded a little bit the night before, but she seemed either nervous or shy. However, he was currently finding both very adorable.

“Is there something you needed?” he asked.

“Oh! Yeah, yeah I did. Uh, my headphones stopped working and I kind of need them.”

She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the tangled mess of wires, setting it in front of him. He began to fiddle with them and unravel them. Shepard tapped her fingers on the edge of the desk, and watched.

“So, how’s work going today?” he asked.

She clearly wasn’t expecting him to talk, and was so set off when he did. “Oh, it’s, uh… good so far. Taught some kickboxing, and pilates.”

“Nice,” he said. “Could probably use some of that myself.”

“If you ever want to come in, you know… I can get you in. Because… I work there.”

Kaidan glanced up and gave a smile. “And if you ever tangle up and break your headphones again, I can help you out.”

She blushed and coughed into her hand to hide her smile. Kaidan could feel Miranda’s eyes on him the entire time, and that there would be an onslaught of unfavorable questions coming his way the second Shepard was out of earshot.

“Ah, here,” he said, holding up the headphones to her, “you’ve got a fray in the wire. I’m afraid that they’re broken and I can’t fix them, but I can get you a new pair, if you’d like.”

Shepard bit down on her lip and nodded. “Yeah, that’d be great. No replacement fee or anything?”

He shook his head. “Nope, none.”

She smiled. “Oh, thanks. I appreciate it. You know, it’s really hard to be at the gym with no headphones to play music.”

“Yeah, it is. That does suck.”

“Well, you fixed it. So… thanks. I also had a really nice time last night. Thank you guys for inviting me over.”

“Anytime,” he said. It was true. He had felt better than he had in months when he was around Shepard, and their talk at the end of the night had felt right. It felt safe. He enjoyed speaking with her and just being near her. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but for once, it didn’t scare him.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you around?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, around.”

Shepard took her fresh headphones and stuck them into her pocket. She headed for the door, and Kaidan didn’t realize how long he had been watching her leave. He felt Miranda stick a hand on his shoulder and he turned around, jumping a bit.

“It costs $10 to replace headphones here,” she said.

“I know, I know. Take it out of my paycheck this week.”

She shrugged. “I think I can let that much slide. Besides, it was cute to see you happy again.”

“What?” he said, spinning around in his chair. She headed to the coffee machine to pour herself another cup.

“The way you were with her… it was different. You were happy.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “She’s my next door neighbor, Miranda.”

Miranda stirred her coffee, eyes narrowed and like she was laying into him real hard. Something he wouldn’t be able to smooth talk his way out of. Well, there wasn’t much he could smooth talk his way out of. 

“She’s also drop dead gorgeous,” Miranda said, as if she weren’t exactly the same, “and when she showed up, you got the dorkiest smile on your face. It was kind of charming actually.”

“Miranda…”

“Kaidan,” she chided, crossing the room again, “come on, don’t you think it’s about time you let yourself feel something?”

He pursed his lips together. “Well, that was deep.”

“It’s true. You and Owen broke up four months ago, and a beautiful woman just walked in, flirted with you, and you gave her free headphones - which we  _ never  _ do - and now you’re getting defensive. It’s like you  _ want  _ to live alone forever with your cat. And before you say it, Ashley doesn’t count.”

Kaidan frowned. “Why is everyone so mean to my cat?”

“I actually don’t hate Oleg, even though he scratched me once. But my point isn’t that. It’s that you aren’t doing anything to fix the problem at hand, Kaidan. I’m far from perfect, but when I see a problem, I go out and fix it dammit.”

“Miranda, it’s not that easy.”

She sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I truthfully don’t know what it’s like to go through what you did, and I hope I never have to. But don’t you think it’s time you let yourself be happy?”

He knew she was right. He did deserve to be happy. He deserved to have someone to love and to hold, and to be there for him in ways that other people couldn’t be. He knew that whatever was between he and Owen was over, no matter how much it hurt to think about, but thinking about a future where there was someone else still felt wrong.

“I do… I just… I keep thinking that maybe things will work out when I least expect it-.”

“I would sooner stab you with one of my stilettos than let you go back to that ass.”

Kaidan weakly smiled. “Thanks.”

“He chose someone else, and you’re going to too. But you’re not going to be slimy about it. Because you’re not slimy.”

He sighed. “You’re right.”

“Go home and talk to Ashley about it, and I’m sure she’ll tell you the same thing.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe start by joining that gym.”

 

***

 

“Ash?” Kaidan asked, stepping into the apartment. 

“Yeah?” she replied, from her bedroom. She emerged seconds later, still dressed from work. She had on a pair of black slacks and a shirt and blazer and looked too professional for someone with her personality. “Everything okay?”

“Do you think I need a rebound?” 

Ashley blinked. “What?”

“I mean, like someone to date casually, no feelings involved. Someone to just hook up with to get me acclimated to dating again?”

Ashley took a seat on the barstool in front of her. “God, I don’t know, Kaidan. Do you? That’s… not your style.”

“But my style isn’t working for me anymore,” he said. “The whole, get really invested in someone and date them for a few years, only for them to rip your heart out and hurt you? It kind of sucks. I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

Ashley’s eyes softened and she sighed. “Can I be honest?”

“Oh no, if it’s an ‘honest talk’, I think we should move to the couch.”

She took his suggested and joined him on the cushions, and reached for his hands. Sometimes he did wonder, if the person he was meant to be with all along was sitting right in front of him. Ashley had been his closest friend since they were very young, and no one made him as happy as she did. And they’d both contemplated the idea of being together, and even tried it, but it hardly lasted more than a month. Though, lately, he’d found himself relapsing into an unhealthy version of that when days were particularly hard.

It was never strange for them to share a bed, to cuddle up next to one another, hell… it was how almost every movie night in their apartment ended when it was just them. And there’d never been anything romantic about it. There’d never been anything romantic about the sex either. 

However, he knew that if they ever seriously dated, she would probably end up killing him in his sleep. And he would most definitely deserve it.

“Sweet heart,” she began.

“Oh no, it starts with sweet heart. This is going to be bad,” he said.

“Shhh. No. Look, I care about you, and you know that. And trust me, I’m tired of seeing you sad. I hate waking up every morning and seeing you sadly look at your coffee because it was another morning you realized how much it hurt to wake up alone. I don’t want that for you. I want you to heal, to get better and find someone when it really is right. But I don’t want you to push it.”

He looked up. “What do you mean?”

“I know you, and I know that you’re not the type of guy out looking for someone to bang. You’re looking for love. You always are, because it’s just who you are. You’re kind, and gentle, and a good person, and because of that, I don’t want you getting hurt again. It killed me enough the first time.”

There hadn’t really been a break up like this before. There were times where he got dumped, and was bummed for a day or two, or mutual break ups where he was more miserable beforehand. Ashley had seen him be upset over relationships plenty of times, and he’d seen the same from her, but it was nothing like what happened with Owen.

He frowned. “Sorry.”

Ashley brought a hand to his cheek and tilted his face up. “It’s not your fault.”

“But… maybe I’m tired of being the person who always gets dumped and hurt. I’m… I’m sick of it, Ash. I want this to go away, so badly.”

She sighed and stroked her thumb against the side of his face. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, and wrapped her arms around him and held on tight. He rested his head on her shoulder and breathed her in. Ashley was the one place that could always, always feel like home.

“Okay.”

“Can we… could we just go out for one night, and like… have fun?”

Ash laughed. “What do you mean? As if every night living with me isn’t fun?”

He smiled back and squeezed her tighter. “Something different.”

Ashley gasped and pulled away from him. “Alright. I’ve got it. Come with me.”

She stood from the couch and quickly ushered him into his bedroom. She threw open his closet door and made him sit on the edge of his bed with Oleg. She grabbed a pair of jeans that she particularly liked and began sifting through shirts that she also enjoyed. She threw one shirt onto the bed, shrouding Oleg, who hissed until Kaidan stroked his head and passed him a small catnip lobster toy. He then promptly rolled on his back and sniffed and bit at the toy until he was content and intoxicated.

“Alright, put that on.”

Kaidan glanced at the outfit. “These jeans shrunk in the wash and definitely don’t fit me anymore.”

She nodded. “I know. They fit just enough to be pretty tight and really flattering.”

“What?”

The shirt she’d picked out was a button down t-shirt, dark blue, and he did quite enjoy that shirt. But if she was bringing out clothes like this, she had something planned. Something he may have been a little scared to find out.

“Ash, where the hell are you taking me?” he asked.

“You wanted something different and something fun. Something to get your mind off all your angst. And I’ve got it.”

He swallowed. “Where are we going?”

Ashley crossed her arms and smiled. “We, my friend, are going to Afterlife.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback this has gotten here, and on FF.net, and Tumblr! Your comments and reviews mean so much and really help me to figure out what's working and what's not. Things are about to get kind of steamy ;D


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan didn’t like clubs. He’d always known he was a hardcore introvert, from the time he was a child, spending recess reading and keeping mostly to himself while the other boys wrestled each other for a half-deflated football and got themselves all sweaty and gross. Of course, it always made the other kids pick on him even more, but he couldn’t help being who he was.

Ashley was the one who was into this kind of thing. She enjoyed going out and getting wild, finding the trashiest dive bars that would let her dance to the most ridiculous songs possible. And Kaidan was almost always there. He’d never let her go alone, especially if she was going to be drinking. She always trusted him to be a good wingman, making sure no creepy guys got too close, and watching over her. It was how nights like this usually happened.

But it was different now because they were here because of  _ him.  _

“Do you feel it yet?” Ashley asked.

Kaidan glanced over at her and threw back another shot of whiskey. It had been several by now and his head was beginning to feel fuzzy. He definitely wasn’t drunk enough to start talking to people, or to ask anyone to dance. There were plenty of hot people in the club and he’d kept an eye out. He just wasn’t sure what he wanted from the night.

It probably wouldn’t be very hard to find someone to take home, or even someone to hook up with without leaving the club at all. It just… it wasn’t him. Part of him thought that maybe he needed to have a dirty phase to get over Owen. Lots of raunchy hook ups and careless relationships. Maybe it was what he needed. But the more he thought about it, the more the breakup hurt and tugged at him.

He didn’t want someone to take home. He wanted someone who felt like home.

“Getting there,” he replied. 

“Good! Because I have found at least four cuties checking you out. Damn, I knew telling you to wear those tight jeans was a good plan. You’re just reeling them in.”

Kaidan turned around and skimmed over the crowds of people grinding on the dancefloor. Ashley directed his gaze to a strapping young man on the other side of the bar, seductively twirling his martini and was definitely eying him down.

“He’s looking a bit aggressive, Ash. Like he wants to eat me.”

“He probably does.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. “That’s not a good thing.”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay, the lady over there. She’s dancing against that pole, and keeps staring. I think she wants you to be that pole.”

Kaidan swallowed, and ordered himself another beer. “I… uh… okay.”

Before Kaidan could say another word, he felt a hand on his waist, and jumped, spinning around. Before him was a beautiful blonde woman with eye makeup that must have taken hours. He had to admit, he was impressed. She brushed her hand against his chest and smirked. 

“Hey, handsome.”

He glanced back at Ash, who gave him an encouraging nudge toward the woman.

“Hi, what’s your name?” he asked, voice wavering a little.

“I’m Jasmine. What’s your name?”

“I’m Kaidan. Uh, would you like a drink?”

She smiled and nodded. “Sure, stud. I’ll take a dark and stormy.”

Kaidan turned and ordered the woman her drink, and she slid her arm around his waist. He felt her hand go as low as he’d allow, just to the waistband of his belt (which was really only there for decoration since the pants certainly had no trouble staying up). He handed her the drink.

“So, tell me, what do you do? Someone nice and strong and handsome like you… probably a cop or a firefighter or something. Army, maybe.”

He swallowed another sip of beer. “Uh. I actually work at Best Buy.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well, nevertheless, you wanna dance?”

He glanced back at Ash again, and he found the exact response that he was expecting. She pushed him closer, and he accepted. Jasmine brought him closer to the crowd of people at the center of the club grinding. She took him in her arms, one arm around his neck and the other holding her drink close to her chest. 

She swayed against him to the grating electronic beats, and pressed her hips hard against his. He kept his hands above her waist, trying to keep some distance and not lead her on. However, there was no need to worry about that. Her lips came to his neck, and trailed all over. He could feel her leaving red lipstick and bite marks against his skin, growing more intense and desperate. A very large part of him was glad that she couldn’t reach his lips easily.

He was beginning to feel the fuzziness of all his drinks coming to a head, and instead of wanting more, and wanting to take her home, he wanted to get away. However, clearly her drinks were having the opposite effect. She moved her hands down his body, and toyed with the bottom of his shirt. Her fingers slid against his skin, feeling the creases in his muscles and continuing to kiss his neck.

_ Just let yourself enjoy something, dammit,  _ he thought, closing his eyes as she dipped her fingers under the waistband of his jeans. For a moment, it felt good, until he realized the person he was thinking about wasn’t the person in front of him.

“Jasmine, I… uh…”

“What?” she breathed, tilting his head down to reach her lips. He could taste the rum on her lips and the scent of her cherry lip gloss. “We should take this somewhere else.”

“No,” he said, quietly.

“Excuse me?” she snapped.

“I don’t… I don’t want to.”

“You mean you  _ don’t  _ want to have sex with me?”

He swallowed and shook his head. “I- no.”

She looked up, clearly angry. “Wow, way to mislead me.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t do this often.”

She sighed. “Fine.”

He slipped himself from her grip and started making his way back to the bar with Ashley. He didn’t get more than two steps before he felt someone grab his arm and pull him closer to the dance floor. He prepared to wiggle away and ask Ashley to go home because he felt bad for even thinking of hooking up with someone, and really wasn’t having fun anymore.

He turned when he felt the grip not letting up and let out a sigh of relief, and he couldn’t believe it, but a smile.

“Hey,” he breathed.

“Hey, Geek Squad,” Shepard teased passing him a beer. 

“Don’t call me that,” he said, blushing. For all he cared, she could call him whatever she wanted. He liked that she was comfortable enough with him to even give him a nickname.

“What are you doing here? God, you look different,” she said.

“It was… well, it doesn’t matter. I’m here. And I hope it’s a good different.”

Shepard looked different too. He’d never seen her in anything other than casual clothes, and her hair was mostly in pony tails. But now, she was wearing a dark romper with her hair down and wavy. With her wearing less clothes, he could see that her precious freckles were hardly limited to her face. She looked gorgeous, and he couldn’t even believe she’d take the time to talk to him looking as good as she did.

She brushed her hand across his chest and smiled. “Yeah… looks kind of hot.”

He smiled back. “Oh, well… I guess in that case, do you want to dance?”

Instead of debating it, wondering if it was going to end up hurting him, or stressing himself out, he held out his hand and invited her closer. She accepted and slipped an arm around his shoulders. She had a mixed cocktail in hand and cradled it against her chest as a slightly slower electronic song came over the speakers. 

“Let me guess… you wanted to come here to have some fun, Ashley dressed you, and you most definitely got your ass grabbed by that last girl?”

“And then some.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting my night to look like this either.”

“Does it look better now?” he teased. 

Her jaw dropped and she laughed. “Wow, that was  _ smooth.  _ I’m proud of you.”

“I know I fix computers for a living, but I haven’t been single my whole life.”

“Consider me impressed. I’ll be honest, though, I thought you and Ashley were an item.”

He nodded. “Yeah, you wouldn’t be the first.”

“But… just friends?” 

“Yes, just friends.”

She smiled, legitimately pleased at his answer. He could draw his own conclusions on what that meant, but more telltale signs were appearing by the moment. She slid a little closer to him and curled her fingers around the sweaty locks of hair at the back of his neck. He felt heat rising in his chest, and all over his skin. Her hands could be touching every inch of him, and it still wouldn’t be enough. He wanted her much closer, and to be all his.

“I’ll apologize now,” she started, “I’m a horrible dancer.”

He laughed. “It’s okay. I have the grace of a drunken elephant.”

She brought her hand up to the side of his face and smiled again. “Good, someone to draw the attention off of me.”

“How rude,” he replied, slipping his hands lower to her waist. She let out a low and sexy sigh as she pressed her hips against his. The music sped up just slightly, something with a heavy bass thumping and synth beats. It wasn’t his kind of music, but it did bring far more people to the dance floor, and it made Shepard press herself closer to him. 

She followed him, and he simply followed whatever strangely collective sway or move the rest of the people dancing were trying to do. He had to figure that following the status quo here was probably a good plan. They wouldn’t look weird because it was what everyone else was doing.

Shepard stayed close to him for several songs, and there was little talking, but she moved closer and closer. Each brush of their skin against each other sent shockwaves all over his body. He hadn’t wanted someone this badly in a very long time, in the instances where her lips ended up very close to his, he couldn’t stop himself from hoping she’d kiss him.

Slowly, she pressed her body against his, and he moved his hands to help her stand on her toes to reach him better. Both of them were damp with sweat and their skin was hot and steamy, but he couldn’t complain. He was sure that the air was stuffy in here and hard to breathe in, but it was her touch, the feeling of her breathing against his chest that truly made him unable to breathe. She felt her nose brush against his skin and he could almost taste her lips already. He wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination because it certainly wouldn’t be the first time he thought of what she’d taste like. 

He parted his lips and breathed her in, ready to close their gaps, when he heard Ashley’s voice ring out across the club. His eyes popped open and he waited to hear if it was legit or if he was hearing things. 

“That one! The tall one in the- oh… oh he’s busy. Sorry,” she cried.

The woman standing beside her was somewhat of a celebrity in the city. Aria T’Loak owned the club, and most people theorized that she had control over some underground crime ring, but none of it was confirmed. She was a tall, fit woman with a dramatic blue, short undercut, and always had makeup that felt as if she was in costume. Kaidan suspected that at any given moment, she probably had at least three switchblades on her in very convenient locations.

Aria glared at Ashley. “Uh huh.”

Shepard turned her head. “Oh, I think she’s looking for you.”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

Shepard slid her hands to his shoulders, keeping one against his jaw. “If you have to go, it’s fine. I should find my friend. I sort of ditched him too.”

Kaidan swallowed. “Yeah, okay.”

She smiled, sweet and sexy. “Thanks for the dance, Geek Squad.”

He blushed. “Anytime, sweetheart.”

Shepard hesitated a moment, and leaned forward, pressing her lips against his cheek. His fingers clutched the fabric of her romper and her lips stayed against his skin for several seconds, warm and soft. She pulled away and admired the lipstick stain she’d left on his cheek.

“There. Some proof you had a good time,” she said, nudging him in Ashley’s direction. He slipped from her arms and weaved his way through the club. Ashley bounced up and down when she saw him come closer.

“There you are!”

Aria looked at the both of them. “Oh, look, he’s not dead.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. “Of course I’m not?”

“Your friend here came and found  _ me  _ as if it were my problem, when she couldn’t find you. You know, most people these days have cell phones and find people that way.”

“I thought you got kidnapped,” Ashley gasped, leaning on Kaidan’s shoulder for balanced.

He patted her hair and slid an arm around her. “I didn’t get kidnapped. Thanks for the help.”

Aria nodded and rolled her eyes. “Don’t let it happen again.”

Two large guards joined her and escorted her back up to her penthouse view of the club. Kaidan had to wonder how Ashley had gotten through the guards and all the way up there just to ask for help finding him.

“I thought that blonde girl stole you.”

“Ashley, she didn’t steal me. I’m fine.”

Ashley looked up at him, and her jaw dropped. “Oh, boy, look at that. You have two different colored kiss marks on you. Wow. I saw you dancing with Shepard too. She’s cute. Do you like her? I think you should like her. She’s cute.”

Kaidan took her hand and lead her to the door. “Ash, come on.”

“She’s cute!”

“I know, you said it three times now.”

“So you  _ do  _ like her?” she squealed.

“Ashley! Shh… stop that.”

“You let her kiss you.”

“Sort of,” he replied.

She hopped up and down and wobbled a little, and nearly fell into a bush. He grabbed her arm and made sure she was sturdy for the moment., but he knew walking home would be a joyous time with her hardly able to stand.

Ashley toppled over again, this time catching herself on a lamppost, humming some raunchy song. “I’m not that drunk.”

“Uh huh. Come here.”

Kaidan bent his knees, and she smiled. She climbed onto his back and rested her head on his shoulder. She wrapped her arms and legs around his body and sighed happily.

“Wonderful.”

He groaned. “Right, you’re not that drunk. You just wanted a piggy back ride.”

She nodded and yawned. “Yeah.”

“Alright, Ash, let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you guys for all the responses I've gotten on this! It just makes me so excited to write this. I can't wait for what is to come, and I hope you guys are stoked too :D
> 
> Also, if you would like to follow me on tumblr, my url is biotictrash, and I post other writing there, like short oneshots and stuff.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. This one's 5,000 words, which I didn't really plan for, but here it is! This is a big chapter for the two of them and I'd love to know reactions, thoughts, etc!! Thank you guys again for being so awesome and supportive.

 

Kaidan had hardly taken a bite of his omelet when he heard the scream. It was his day off and he’d enjoyed a nice morning sleeping in and watching horrible morning news shows. It was one of his favorite things to do with Owen, actually. 

Whenever he would stay over at Kaidan’s especially, they’d emerge from his room only to curl up the same way on the couch, often with Owen’s head on his chest so Kaidan could hold both his coffee and boyfriend. And often with Oleg sitting on top of both of them. It was peaceful, typically until Ashley woke up and came out to make gagging noises and tell them to get a room.

But he hadn’t taken the time to enjoy his days off lately, because days of not working meant days of overthinking. And of course, the memories still hurt him badly, but he was beginning to realize they were just that. Memories. And the only way they could hurt him was if he let them.

He set down his mug on the coffee table and set his plate beside it before heading to the source of the scream. Oleg, who had been sitting on his lap sleeping, snarled. The scream had to have been coming from Shepard’s apartment, because it was the only apartment that he could really hear well. Upstairs or downstairs, it was muffled at best. But this was clear. 

He stepped into the hallway and up the two and a half steps before knocking on her door. He heard muffled cursing inside. 

“Shepard? Hey, everything okay in there?”

There was a pause.

“Uh… yeah, it’s open. You can come in. I’m just… cornered.”

He furrowed his brows in confusion and pushed her door open. She’d done plenty of decorating since the last time he was here, and he actually hadn’t seen her since the night at the club a week ago. He’d spent several nights awake and frustrated because he wanted to see her and spend time with her. He’d wonder what she was doing, and when he heard she had company, he found himself jealous, and then hated himself for caring so much.

The apartment was fully furnished now, picture frames hung up, and candles on the mantle. It smelled like fresh coffee and fruit, and reminded him of sunshine. It seemed all too fitting for her.

“Hey?” he said.

Shepard was standing on her couch, eyes fixated on the floor. Kaidan stepped closer.

“Hey, I… there’s a spider.”

He tried not to laugh, but failed. “A spider? That’s what that blood curdling scream was about? Shepard, I think you could absolutely kick my ass, and you’re scared of spiders?”

She frowned. “It was  _ big _ .”

“It can’t be that big.”

Shepard’s expression dropped and she pointed to the floor. Kaidan’s eyes followed until-.

“Oh fuck!”

And he was immediately on the couch with her. She grabbed his shirt to hold onto him and they both couldn’t stop looking at the gnarly spider. The adrenaline was so intense for a moment, he didn’t even notice how she was touching him.

“I told you!”

“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to catch his breath. “That’s big.”

“I know. I’m not scared of spiders, though,” she asserted, clearing her throat.

“Uh huh. So you just screamed like an animal and jumped on the couch for fun?”

“ _ No, _ ” she insisted. “At least I’m not a fully grown man screaming and jumping on the couch.”

Kaidan frowned. “Hey, get that toxic masculinity away from me.”

“Sorry,” she muttered. “How are we going to kill it?”

“ _ We? _ ” he gasped. “No way, I’m not killing it. That means getting closer to it.”

“So you are scared of spiders?”

He nodded. “Oh scared shitless. I just wanted to look cool.”

“Well, for your sake, I hope you never have to come across people sized spiders. Like… alien spiders. That would suck.”

“Yes, Shepard, it would! Stop that!”

“Sorry. Okay… we’ve got this. We totally got this. At least… well, I do.”

Shepard let go of him and steadied herself on the coffee table and grabbed a coaster. She held it directly above the spider. She glanced back up at Kaidan.

“If I drop it, do you think it will kill it?”

He shrugged. “Shit, I hope so.”

“I’m going to do it. Okay…”

She breathed in and dropped the coaster. The spider scampered off with one or two of its legs broken. Kaidan resisted the urge to shriek again, and Shepard hopped off the couch and grabbed one of her sneakers from the floor, and squished it. They both let out a sigh of relief. 

“Don’t tell anyone that you saw me freak out over a spider,” she said.

“Don’t tell anyone that you saw  _ me  _ freak out over a spider,” he repeated.

She nodded. “Deal. Okay, that wasn’t how I planned to spend my morning. I, uh, I’d offer you some breakfast for coming over to help, but I’m afraid all I have is coffee.”

He shrugged. “I’m fine, thanks. I always make a big breakfast at home so no worries.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You do?”

“Yeah. I have a strangely fast metabolism so I have to eat a lot- wait, you really don’t need to know that- but yeah… I do,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, I still have eggs and bacon in the apartment, if you want any. I could bring some over.”

She smiled. “Bring it over?”

“Your apartment gets much nicer lighting… ma’am.”

She nodded. “Alright. I’d love that.”

Kaidan stepped out of the apartment and grabbed them two full plates of breakfast before returning to her. Shepard made them both space on the couch, and poured him a cup of coffee.

“I didn’t know how you take your coffee, but there’s milk and sugar and stuff in the kitchen.”

“I normally just drink it black.”

“Black?” she asked, clutching her mug, a cute one with a cartoony fox drawn on it. “You mean you just drink hot bean water?”

He laughed. “Hot bean water, huh?”

“I mean, that’s what it is. Just like beer is kind of just wheat tea.”

“Okay, that doesn’t help.”

“I mean,” she said, “it’s okay I still drink beer anyway. I won’t make fun of your coffee anymore because this smells damn incredible. Wow.”

She pulled her breakfast into her lap and started eating. 

“You off today?”

She nodded. “Yeah, you?”

“Thankfully, and I don’t have to go in until noon tomorrow.”

They sat in silence for a moment, enjoying their breakfast. He found himself thinking about mornings off, and instead of Owen beside him, watching Good Morning America or even weirder talk shows, sipping coffee and cuddling, he saw Shepard. For now, it felt nice to keep that little bit to himself.

“So, we haven’t talked since Afterlife…” she started.

He looked up. “Yeah.”

“That’s all?”

He shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”

She lowered her voice to teasingly sound like him. “Wow, Shepard, that was some steamy night we had together, and boy are your lips soft.”

He blushed. “Your lips are soft.”

“Thank you. If you want advice on how to get yours that way, I can direct you to several lip scrubs and balms.”

“I think I’m good, thanks. I… I had a good time,” he said.

She smiled. “Me too. It was nice to get out.”

“And your friend you were with?”

“Oh,” she started, “James? He’s my coworker at the gym. That’s actually more his scene than mine. I’m just a good friend.”

“It’s not a stretch of the imagination.”

Kaidan smiled and finished his coffee. Shepard was nearly done eating, and he knew they’d have to talk again.

“That was great,” she said, setting her plate down. “You always cook?”

“When I’m not lazy,” he said, “and it’s better than Ashley nearly burning the building down.”

She laughed, and pushed a lock of hair out of her face. “I mean, I can hardly cook, so I may abuse that a little.”

Kaidan swallowed and hesitated a moment. “Shepard, do you want to go on a date?”

She put her fork down, and it clanked loudly on the plate. “What?”

Kaidan felt a sinking feeling fill the pit of his stomach and he immediately regretted asking it so bluntly. He should have tested the waters, figured out whether or not that was too fast. He was just going off the fact that she kissed him once, that maybe she’d liked him just a little. Enough to just have dinner with him.

_ God,  _ he thought,  _ I fucked up. _

“Shit, never mind. That was really sudden, and I should have been more tactful-,” he rambled. Before he could go on, Shepard reached out and took his hands. She gave them a soft squeeze and smiled.

“Yes.”

“Yes, I shouldn’t have pushed it?”

“Yes,” she repeated, “I would love to go on a date with you.”

Kaidan laughed. “I mean, I just said a date. I never said it was with me.”

Shepard paused, unamused.

“It was a joke,” he clarified, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry. I’d… I’d love to take you out to dinner.”

She smiled. “Well, I’d like you to too. I think that would be really nice.”

Kaidan smiled back, and something about it made Shepard laugh a little bit. “Awesome. Um, I’ll pick you up here at seven? Does that work?”

“Yeah, seven works.”

Kaidan pulled her plate and fork on top of his and stood up from the couch. “Okay, cool. I’ll see you then.”

She nodded and blushed. “Yeah.”

Kaidan stepped out of the apartment, and pulled the door closed behind him. He sighed, and glanced back at the door with a smile.

 

***

The first thing she did was call James. She didn’t give any information, but told him that he had to come over. After he panicked and assumed she was dying, she assured him she was fine. Just… needed a friend, for starters. And probably some tequila, but getting trashed before a first date wasn’t something she wanted to do. At least, not with Kaidan. It was okay when it was horrible first dates James set up for her.

He arrived a half hour later, still dressed in his gym gear from his shift, towel slung over his shoulders. He smelled like sweat, so Shepard promptly sprayed Fbreeze at him until he made her put it down. “What’s up, Lola?”

She sighed. “I have a date tonight.”

He smirked. “ _ Nice _ one. With who?”

She nudged her head in the direction of Kaidan’s door. He gasped.

“Oh damn, the hunk next door asked you out.  _ Dios _ , Shepard, what a great place this apartment is. You live here hardly two weeks and you get a date with the sexy neighbor. Well, I don’t know what he looks like but I’ll take your word for it.”

“James!”

“Sorry, okay.”

She sat down on one of the barstools at the counter as James began to search through her kitchen for food. He grabbed the box of Thin Mints in the cabinet and pulled out a few, shoving them in his mouth.

“So, what’s the problem?” he asked, words garbled from food.

She paused, and didn’t need to say anything. James already knew. A knot started growing in her throat. Her eyes stung and she didn’t want this to be one of those conversations, but she knew it had to happen at some point. If anyone was going to see her in bad shape, it was James. It wasn’t new, and somehow, he had always known what to say. She couldn’t move forward on matters like this without first looking back.

“Shepard, hey… you’ve been on dates since then. Plenty of ‘em. I think you’re going to be fine.”

“I just-,” she started. She didn’t finish. There was no use, and she didn’t even know what it was she wanted to say. She knew what she  _ really  _ wanted to say, but it was ridiculous. Something she knew she’d feel crazy for saying aloud. Thankfully, James would never hold it against her. Hell, James and Anderson were the reason she was here now.

“What is it?”

Shepard knew this feeling, all too well, the feeling of happiness and butterflies at the start of a new relationship. She knew first kisses and first sexual experiences with someone, and she knew how first dates were equally scary and exciting. And she knew they didn’t last.

Now, she couldn’t stop thinking of what would happen when Kaidan had what he wanted, when she was already wrapped around his finger. She couldn’t stop thinking of him ordering her around and telling her what she could and couldn’t do.

But that just didn’t seem like him. She could never imagine this sweet man who was never anything but caring around her ever having a side so ruthless and cruel. She had to believe there was something good in him, and that the sweetness he showed her so far was not just an act.

“I should know better than to trust so quickly,” she said, looking up.

James peeled open a banana on her counter and took a bite. “How does he make you feel?”

Shepard remembered their night in the club. He’d seemed so happy to find her, relieve, in the most innocent way. Almost the same way she’d felt when she saw him. The entire night, he’d kept his hands at her waist, hardly moving lower, and let her be in control of the situation. It was the main reason she was okay with staying by his side for so long. 

“I don’t know him that well,” she said.

“Shepard, that’s not the question. Does he make you feel safe?”

She hesitated a moment and nodded. It was all she could ask for now. Everything else would follow in suit. She cracked a small smile. “I… I really do like him.”

James smiled back, and she could tell he was glad to hear that. “Really?”

She nodded. “Yeah. He’s… he’s good.”

“Then why are you so scared?”

She looked back up and swallowed. “Even good people are capable of being terrible. I know that. And sometimes early impressions don’t clue you in.”

“Yeah, of course not. But Shepard, listen to me. If you like him, if he makes you feel good, then for the love of god, go out with him. And if something goes wrong, remember… between the legs and run.”

She laughed. “I’m not going to beat the crap out of him.”

“Never know. If he’s a prick, and if you don’t, I will.”

“Uh huh, sure, James.”

He leaned against her counter and shoved another cookie into his mouth. “So… what are you going to wear?”

 

***

 

Kaidan stood outside Shepard’s door at 6:59, and hesitated. He didn’t know if it was better to be a minute or two early, or late, or if it was just straight up embarrassing to be exactly on time. He was smart enough to know that Shepard would crack some joke about him being a nerd and being so punctual. So he reached out a hand and knocked.

He’d spent an hour with Ashley getting ready, trying on outfit after outfit. He’d convinced her that he didn’t need extra tight pants or some dressy shirt for tonight. He would be fine with something just a little more casual, and less flashy. He’d settled on a pair of fitted jeans and a nice t-shirt and cardigan (which was Ashley’s idea), and he looked nice.

He heard Shepard shuffle to the door and undo the deadbolt, still sliding an earring into her ear.

_ God, she’s gorgeous _ , he thought.

Shepard was wearing a light, patterned dress with a cardigan over top, and her hair was pulled into a messy ponytail. She’d made it more casual - more Shepard - by wearing combat boots with the ensemble.

“Hey,” she said.

“You… you look really nice,” he stuttered. She smiled back and smoothed her hand across his chest. 

“And you look very handsome.”

“Ready to go?” he asked.

She nodded and held out her hand. It hadn’t really occurred to him when he’d asked that this was going to be a real date. He’d been on dates before where it was really just dinner. Nothing came of it, and there weren’t butterflies or excitement. He was glad that at the touch of her hand, he felt like he was going to explode.

She led him down the stairs, and stopped at the bottom. As they did, they found Zaeed and Samara sitting on the front porch of the apartment building sharing drinks. Kaidan never knew what to make of the two of them. Samara was lithe and calm, and she seemed to have the answers to everything. Ashley had urged him to go to her several times in the wake of his break up, but he never had. And Zaeed, well… he was certainly angry, that was for sure. 

“Nice date,” Zaeed grumbled. “Don’t make so much noise when you come home.”

Kaidan’s eyes went wide. Samara glared. “Let the young man have whatever fun he wants, Zaeed. Don’t be so bitter just because you’re not young anymore.”

Zaeed threw back the rest of his bourbon and frowned. “I don’t think I like drinking with you anymore.”

“I never said  _ I  _ didn’t find you charming,” Samara said.

Zaeed inched his chair just a little bit closer. “I’m listening.”

Kaidan felt Shepard’s hand tighten around his and she pulled him forward. “We should give them some privacy.”

He smiled and followed after her. A few steps later, she stopped. Biting down on her lip. “I should probably let you lead.”

He smiled. “I could just let you choose a place to eat, if you’d like.”

She shook her head. “Nah, I want to see what you choose.”

Kaidan led Shepard toward the waterfront and to a trendy restaurant with outdoor seating. He noticed a smile spreading across Shepard’s face as they approached.

“Aw, do you take all your dates here?” she teased, following him to the podium.

“You know, I never have. But if it’s good, I guess you’re the litmus test.”

She elbowed him. “Rude.”

He glanced over and smiled. “I’m kidding.”

Part of him wanted to add that he never wanted to take someone on another first date again. He didn’t know if it was her, or just this feeling her had that he wanted to finally find someone to spend his life with, but something made the comment feel right. But instead, he stayed silent.

The hostess took them to a table right along the water and they sat down. The tables were more like giant rocking chairs, gently swaying if they moved too much or pushed it. Shepard looked out onto the water and sighed.

“Wow, this is nice.”

Kaidan glanced up from the wine list. “Wait, you mean your other dates don’t take you to nice places?”

She shrugged. “I don’t really go on many ‘dates’.”

“Me either,” he replied. 

“Mostly just bars, and those get sort of old.”

He nodded. “Yeah, they do.”

A waitress came over and they agreed on a bottle of wine to share. She brought them two glasses and left the bottle there for them. They ordered, Kaidan getting the largest steak on the menu, and Shepard ordering pasta. 

“I take it you’re all moved in now?” he asked.

“Mostly,” she said. “It’s still a work in progress. Still have boxes all over the place. But it… it feels like home.”

“Yeah, I can’t complain. There’s a lively bunch of people in the building, but it’s never been too bad.”

She nodded. “Mm, yeah, like the merc downstairs, and the tattoo artist.”

“Yeah, Jack,” he added. “She keeps offering to tattoo me for free in her living room. I haven’t taken her up on that yet. Though there were a few shameful nights after too many drinks where it sounded like fun.”

She laughed. “At least the alcohol would numb the pain. So, how much fun did Ashley have when you told her you were going out with me?”

“All too much,” he said, lowering the wine glass from his mouth. “She… she thinks I need to get out more.”

“You went clubbing. I think that seems like a month’s worth of going out for you.”

“It is,” he said, “but… uh, this was different.”

“How so?” she asked.

Kaidan didn’t know how to say it, how to tell her that there’d been little to no prodding to ask her out, and if there had been, it wasn’t anything he’d already thought himself.

“Because no matter what Ashley says or pushes me to do, she didn’t push me to ask you out.  _ I  _ wanted to be here, with you.”

Shepard looked away for a moment and blushed. “Well, it took you long enough.”

He reached across the table, offering her his hand. She took it and gently brushed her smooth fingers over the back of his palm. 

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting.”

 

***

Almost two hours later, the wine was gone and had been gone for a while. Shepard could feel it in her head, the fuzziness that came with being tipsy. However, her face also hurt in the best way possible. She hadn’t laughed or smiled so much in a very long time. 

She’d managed to find things to talk about with Kaidan, and it felt like they could keep going for hours. She’d learned that he was Canadian and that his family still lived in Vancouver - just his parents, no siblings, and that he played hockey all the way through high school. She also learned things that weren’t so easily articulated. She learned that he always waited until she was done speaking to say something, or that he was great with eye contact, and she’d never complain about looking into his soft brown eyes.

He paid their bill, and the two started back home, the long way. She’d enjoyed so much of her night, and felt safer than she had in years, but part of her was still wary. Dinner was the fine part. Going out for drinks was fine. She just worried about the after, the expectations and uncertainty that came with.

She slid her hand into Kaidan’s and leaned against his shoulder. “Hey, Kaidan?”

“Mm,” he replied, looking down at her. “What’s up?”

She stopped walking, and took his other hand. They’d taken the path back home along the small boardwalk in the city. The weather was warm, and a gentle breeze kept it from ever being too hot or humid. She looked down at the sand just on the other side of the boardwalk and nodded her head that way.

“Can we sit?”

He let her lead and joined her on the sand. The beach was nearly silent, aside from the rushing water and crashing waves. It was calm and peaceful, and she noted that maybe this would be a nice place for morning runs. Maybe it was something they could do together.

“I… Thank you for tonight. I really did have a great time,” she said.

He nodded, but looked curious as to where the conversation was going. “I did too. Is everything okay?”

She swallowed. “Yeah, yeah, it is. I just don’t do dates very often. I never know what the expectations are, or really how I’m supposed to do this.”

He gave a sweet smile. “Shepard, I haven’t been on a first date in almost three years. I think I’m a little rusty too.”

“Three years? You know, maybe Ash was right about you needing to get out more.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes. “You know, I think I should make you go back and pay for your own dinner for that.”

Shepard hit his shoulder. “I’m kidding.”

“For your information,” he began, “it’s because I was in a long term relationship.”

“And you’re not anymore?” she asked, not sure if it was too much to ask for a first date.

He shook his head. “No, definitely not.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

Kaidan paused a moment, and she saw him look up, avoiding eye contact. “I just so happened to pick the same night to propose that he picked to tell me he was sleeping with someone else.”

Shepard drew her eyes down, not sure how to even respond to that. She was afraid whatever she’d say now would just seem so cheap and pathetic, and she also knew it wasn’t time to start whipping out her own sob stories. It wasn’t what she wanted from her first date with him.

“I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s about time I stopped dwelling on it.”

Shepard reached over and took his hand where it was resting in the sand. She curled her fingers around his and leaned over, pressing a kiss to his cheek. God, did she want to  _ really  _ kiss him, but now wasn’t the right moment. Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and smiled as she did so.

“Are you dwelling on it now?”

He turned to her. “Absolutely not.”

“Good.”

The waves crashed again, and it took Shepard a second too long to realize that the water was coming up way higher than it had before. She quickly grabbed Kaidan’s arm, and he was still entranced by her little kiss, that he hardly moved.

“Kaidan, move your ass!” she shouted.

He looked up. “Hmm? Oh, shit!”

She yanked him to his feet and pulled him in her direction. He tripped behind her and mumbled an expletive. She turned back around once they were out of the water’s path and bent down on the ground with him, laughing.

“Okay, next time we do that,” he said, trying to catch his breath, “let me know so I can put a bathing suit on?”

She smiled. “Fine. You and me, beach day. It’s going to happen.”

He nodded. “I can make it work. Come on, before we get into anymore trouble. Let’s head home.”

Kaidan stood up and held his hand out for her. Shepard took it and followed him off the sand. Somewhere along the way, she’d slipped her fingers between his, instead of just holding on. He paused for a moment, and gave her hand a soft squeeze. They were quiet for most of the time, the occasional joke or flirtation when something came up. But Shepard liked the silence. With Kaidan, silence didn’t mean aggression or that she’d done something wrong. 

They reached the front, and Kaidan opened the front door for her. “I guess Samara and Zaeed didn’t wait up for us.”

She laughed. “Yeah, because we’re wild kids, aren’t we?”

Kaidan let her go up the stairs first, resting a hand on the small of her back as she headed up. They reached the top and Shepard waited for him at the landing between their apartments. Kaidan didn’t step close to her right away. She reached out and held onto his hand and pulled him closer. 

“This was great,” she said, “and I think we should do this again.”

He let out a relieved sigh, and a sweet half smile. “Well, good. I was hoping you’d say that.”

She backed up toward her door and this time, he followed. She slid her arms up his body, and wrapped them around his shoulders. He tilted his head forward and pressed his forehead to hers. She breathed him in and shut her eyes.

“What are you thinking right now?” she asked.

His voice came low and sexy, something she felt against her skin, rather than heard. “About how much I want to kiss you.”

She swallowed. “Then I think you should do that.”

He parted his lips and leaned in. Shepard tilted her face up and met him halfway. It was slow at first, soft, tiny kisses that gave her quick tastes of him. She slid her fingers through his curls and bit down on his bottom lip. She used her grip to press her body closer to his, and kiss him harder. He took in a deep breath and lowered his hands. 

She opened her mouth and let him push her against her door. He tasted like wine and chocolate from the dessert they’d shared together, and his hands gripped at her like she’d slip between his fingers. Her nails raked gently against his scalp, and he let out a soft moan. She felt his hand unceremoniously slip under her dress as the bottom rode up, as the other moved up her back to press her hard to his body, which was firm and muscled. She imagined herself running her hands against smooth, olive skin and learning each curve and ripple of muscles in time.

His tongue slid against hers and she swore she could never grow tired of this. Each kiss was greedier and more demanding than the last, a mess of tongues and teeth and struggled gasps from both of them. She’d definitely never had a first kiss like this, and if she were with someone after Kaidan, they had  _ a lot  _ to live up to. There was no hesitation once it began, and it felt like years of pent up passion rather than just a few weeks. Maybe one day she’d tell him she wanted to do this to him since she first met him.

He pulled away slowly, and let her pull him back, giving and taking, until he pressed his forehead to hers. Breathless and satisfied, he swallowed, eyes still closed. She drew her hand to the side of his face, fingers brushing the prickly scruff along his cheek. He gave a content sigh and kissed her nose.

“Hey, Kaidan?” she said, trying to catch her own breath.

“Yeah?”

“Next time, you don’t need to ask.”

He smiled and nodded. “Okay. Sleep well, Shepard.”

He let go of her and kissed her forehead one final time. She smiled and leaned against her door. “Good night, Geek Squad.”

He blushed, rubbing his thumb against the bottom of his lip to wipe away her lip gloss. “Don’t call me that.”

“You like it,” she said.

He didn’t answer. Instead, a small twitch of a smile appeared at his lips, and he ducked into his apartment.

Shepard smiled to herself, and shook her head. “He likes it.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter! Things are getting steamier, too. As always, I love and appreciate the support you guys are giving and cannot wait to see what you guys think of this new one, and what's to come. Enjoy!

Kaidan woke up to Oleg head-butting him and mewling loudly. It only made sense. He’d been gone most of the night and there was no way in hell Ashley had paid attention to the poor cat. Kaidan stretched and moved his arm and let Oleg curl up in his favorite spot right next to his favorite human. He rested his hand back down on the cat and stroked his head gently.

“I missed you too, buddy.”

Kaidan snuggle Oleg close and drifted back to sleep for a bit, and Oleg let him. The two rested for a while, until they heard Ashley banging pots and pans in the kitchen, and cursing profusely. Oleg reacted first: an angry mewl. Kaidan rubbed Oleg’s head again until he laid down beside him again before the cat went off to assault poor Ashley. It was always like this on her days off. She tried to be good and get up early and do things, but instead, she ended up rolling out of bed at eleven and making as much noise as possible. She’d also sing in the shower, which was right next to Kaidan’s room. And Ashley was a horrid singer.

“Alright, bud, I think it’s time to get up,” he groaned, and Oleg let out a low, sad meow, “yeah, me too, buddy.”

Kaidan didn’t bother pulling pants on, and the heat in the apartment was stifling as ever. He’d spent half the night throwing covers off himself and sweating, and turning on the mini-fan that made Oleg very upset, only to turn it off when Oleg kept trying to knock it over.

“Morning, lover boy,” Ashley teased from the kitchen, flirtatiously waving a frying pan at him, almost whacking herself in the head with it.

Kaidan groaned and took a seat on one of the barstools, and rested his head against the chilly countertop. He let out a very pleased moan. Probably not appropriate, but it felt too good.

“Morning.”

“Here,” she said, passing him a cup of coffee. “I need to hear details, so you better wake the hell up. I’ll keep passing them at you until you talk, bitch.”

Kaidan picked his head up and took the coffee, drinking half of it in one sip. “Thanks.”

Ashley took the other barstool next to him. She glanced over and brushed her fingers through his untamed curls. She scoffed, her way of letting him know he needed a haircut.

“So…”

Kaidan sat up just a bit and leaned on his elbow against the counter. “It went… really, really well.”

“Really?” Ashley gasped. “I mean, I’m not shocked.”

“She’s great, Ash,” he said, biting down on his lip to hide his smile.

“I think so too. How far did you guys go out there?”

He opened his eyes all the way. “ _ What _ ?”

“Kaidan, you’re a loud kisser.”

“Oh my god. Ash, why?”

“I’m just saying. I know you went in for it, but it lasted a while.”

“We just kissed,” he said, circling a finger around his coffee mug. 

“Uh huh…”

“Really.”

Ashley was silent for a moment, and nodded. “Good. You deserved that. Did you text her yet? Let her know you had a good time?”

He shook his head. “No, later. It’s too soon. Then it seems like I woke up thinking about her.”

“But you probably did.”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course I did, but it’s super creepy when guys do things like that. If you show you’re  _ too  _ invested in a girl, it’s really aggressive. I’ll give it until this afternoon, like while I’m at work, which I need to get ready for.”

“Alright. You do that. Tali and Garrus are coming over tonight, so be ready for lots of tears,” she sang, wiggling into her room behind the kitchen. 

Kaidan paused a moment, and finished his coffee. “You know what she calls me?”

Ash poked her head out of her room. “Shepard?”

He nodded. “Geek Squad.”

Ashley’s jaw dropped. “Oh my  _ god _ , that is adorable. She wants you. Hardcore.”

 

***

 

“No, no, ma’am, you really don’t need to do that. Ma’am!” Kaidan said into the phone. “Look, please don’t take the back of your iPod off. Oh, it’s off already? Excellent.”

Judy had accidentally transferred all of her husband’s music onto her own iPod before her vacation to Palm Springs, and was simply not getting that she had to unclick all her songs, and it would go back to normal. She somehow thought opening up the device would do it.

“Judy, I think you’re going to have to bring this in for repair now.”

Judy huffed. “I have to be on vacation in two days, and I’m going to assume you can’t get to fixing it and shipping it back before then, right? I paid how much for this goddamn, service, Jayden-?”

“It’s Kaidan,” he grumbled. “Ma’am, if you come in and drop the device off, we assure you we will see to it with the best speed and efficiency we can.”

“So you can’t fix it right there?”

Kaidan sighed, and heard someone come up to the desk. He swiveled around his chair, and saw Shepard standing on the other side, clad in her gym wear. He gave her a pleased smile and held up a hand to let her know he’d be there in one moment. She nodded and leaned against the desk. He couldn’t help but watch her as Judy rambled on and on about how their customer service was a sin, and she would like to come in and personally speak to his manager, and how her eight-year-old son - Mason - had better communication skills than the entire Best Buy Corporation. Kaidan resisted making a snide comment about how wonderful and skilled her undoubtedly “husky” child, who probably had perpetual Go-Gurt residue dribbling down his neck, was.

Despite being at work at a gym all day, Shepard looked beautiful. Her skin seemed to glow, and her cheeks were flushed just slightly red, from either sunburn or a good workout. She had her sweat jacket tied around her waist, and athletic shorts hanging low on her waist. Her legs were thin and muscular, and also covered in adorable freckles. God, there were so many parts of her body he still wanted to learn.

“Are you even  _ listening  _ to me?” Judy screeched at him.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” he said, “I am. I’m just trying to make a space for you in our queue that would get your iPod up and running before you have to leave for Palm Springs,” he asked, writing a note to Miranda on a tiny whiteboard on the desk to ask if they could take a special accommodation, just so Judy could shut the hell up.

Miranda shook her head.

“Oh, well… since you’re  _ finally  _ doing something for me,” she replied.

Kaidan frowned and spun back around. “Oh, my apologies. We can’t. You’ll have to wait.”

“I will be in your office today to speak to the manager, young man.”

“Okay, my manager’s name is Steven Hackett and I’m sure he’ll be happy to field any of your concerns. Have a nice day, Judy.”

“You will not get a good review on the online survey, Hayden.”

“It’s Kaidan. Thanks, have a good one, ma’am.”

He hung up the phone and rolled his chair back to the help desk, and smiled up at Shepard. “Hi there, ma’am, can I help you with something?”

She blushed and nodded. “Yeah, actually.”

“Oh, damn, you’re not just here to see me?”

Shepard crossed her arms, and shook her head. “You’re a nice sight in aggressive royal blue, but I need some help.”

Kaidan moved forward to the desk and looked as she set her phone down on the desk. The screen was slightly cracked, but the problem was that her screen was completely frozen. He narrowed his eyes and held down the home button and lock button until it restarted. Shepard pursed her lips together and watched him. He slid open the phone and passed it over to her to type in the pass code.

She blushed. “Wow, it’s that easy, I guess?”

He nodded. “Most problems, you can just do a hard restart and the phone will fix itself. Just… for next time. Not, you know, that I mind you coming to visit.”

Shepard smiled and pushed a lock of hair out of her face. “I figured, you know… just in case it was something bad.”

Kaidan smiled back. “Any time. You know, if you’re not up to anything later, Ash was having some people over later and you’re welcome to join. We were just going to hang out. Nothing… fancy, really.”

“I think I’d like that,” Shepard said. “I get off work at eight, and can come over after I get cleaned up.”

“Awesome. I’m excited.”

Shepard nodded coyly and backed away. “Cool. I should probably get back to work. But I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Kaidan responded, blushing.

Once Shepard was out of earshot, Miranda laughed. “My god, she keeps coming over with these really mundane problems. If I didn’t know any better, she’s coming to see  _ you. _ ”

“You know what,” Kaidan said, “she can come here as often as she wants.”

 

***

Shepard stepped out of the shower and wiped away the steam on the mirror. She hesitated another moment before wrapping the towel around her body. She sighed and shut her eyes. She wanted to know how long it would be before the panic attacks stopped happening before she saw Kaidan. It was fine during the day when they were just talking, but when it came to dates or hanging out at night, she panicked, just a little bit.

She drew her fingers across the garish scars on the side of her body, and the bits of discolored skin that would never look like they belonged on her body again. The longer she thought about it, the more it physically burned.

Her eyes stung with tears, as she imagined Kaidan undressing her slowly, and realizing that she wasn’t as whole and tough as he thought she was. How would he react when he saw that she was just broken?

He’d been so kind to tell her about his past relationship, and how much it hurt to be betrayed that way. But she couldn’t imagine herself being that honest with him. She knew that so little was on the line still since they’d only had one date, but something told her he mattered. She woke up thinking about him that morning and wished he was beside her, even if just sleeping.

_ Do you really think anyone else would love someone as broken as you? _

Words echoed in her head and she gripped the sink in front of her.

_ It takes a certain kind of person to put up with someone who is as much work as you are. Remember that. _

And she did remember it. It was the reason why she hadn’t had a real relationship in almost two years, and why every person who could have been an option had been pushed away. She just hoped she wouldn’t do the same to Kaidan. She needed to know that she could love again. Maybe it wasn’t him, but it was the first shred of hope she’d had for it in a long time.

She wiped the tears off her face and pulled a towel around herself, stepping into the apartment. She had set out an outfit for later that night and quickly changed into a pair of leggings and a loose fitting tank top. The apartment complex didn’t have air conditioning, and on scorchers like today, she was regretting passing on that tower fan James had suggested she buy. She quickly  did her makeup and dried her hair, pulling it into a messy, high ponytail. 

She took one last look in the mirror before deciding it was finally time to leave. She couldn’t keep letting her nerves get the best of her forever. She had to trust, just a little bit, and bit by bit. It started with things like this.

She locked her door behind her and crossed the two and a half steps to Kaidan’s apartment and hesitated a moment before knocking on the door. She heard voices inside, one of them distinctly Ashley’s, and someone crying and blubbering about something. 

“Zip up your pants. Your girlfriend’s here!” another man shouted. His voice was deep and gravely, and Shepard may have recognized it from hearing it through the halls at some point.

“Could you not?” Kaidan said, moving toward the door.

She heard him slide the deadbolt out and undo the locks, and opened it for her. He’d changed out his aggressively blue uniform for a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt, with a plaid button down over top, and curly hair falling out of place. Looking at him each first time always took her breath away. Of course, she thought he was gorgeous, but it was something more than that. Maybe it was the fact that she couldn’t imagine him ever having bad intentions or trying to hurt her.

“Hey, come on in,” he said, taking her hand and bringing her inside. He shut the door behind them as Shepard looked around. Ashley was on the couch with another girl, probably just a bit younger than her with wavy purple and blonde hair, and was crying into Ash’s shoulder. They were watching some kind of soap opera and clearly this girl wasn’t taking the latest plot twist very well.

“So, Shepard, that’s Tali on the couch with Ash, and this is Garrus,” he said, pointing to the man standing behind the island in their kitchen. “They live in 2B.”

Garrus was tall and broad, with sharp cut square glasses and slight scarring across the side of his face. He looked more intense than Kaidan, but definitely a few years younger. Shepard wasn’t entirely sure what to make of him just yet.

“Nice to meet the new neighbor,” Garrus said. “How’s the place treating you?”

“It’s nice. I’m liking it so far.”

“Can I get you something to drink, Shepard?” Kaidan asked.

“I’ll have what you’re having.”

“You sure about that?” he teased. “Garrus is trying to feed me his homemade all natural moonshine, and it sort of tastes like cough syrup.”

“It doesn’t!”

Kaidan held his hands up in surrender. “I get it, pal. I know you can’t drink very many things, but I’m having really intense flashbacks to days home sick from school as a kid. Just saying.”

“Well,” Shepard started, “in that case, I think I have to try some.”

Kaidan glanced between her and Garrus and hesitantly slid his glass across the counter to her. “Knock yourself out.”

Shepard tilted the glass back and took a sip of the moonshine. She swallowed, and tried not to let it show on her face. 

“You know, to each their own, but I’m having some flashbacks too.”

Garrus groaned. “I’m sorry, but your whiskey tastes like wood chips.”

“Hey!” both Shepard and Kaidan exclaimed at the same time. They exchanged a quick look.

“You can’t even drink it,” Kaidan added, “so how do you know?”

“I know things,” Garrus said.

“Well, Kaidan, I’ll take some wood chips,” she said.

“I can’t believe he’d leave Yolanda for her!” Ashley yelled at the TV. “This is bullshit. She’s obviously using him for his money oh my god.”

Tali patted Ashley on the head. “I know. It hurts me every time too.”

“Why would you bring me here to watch this if it’s just going to hurt me?”

“I want someone to suffer with me.”

Kaidan passed Shepard her drink and motioned for her to follow him into the living room, where the two grabbed a seat on the small love seat near the TV. It was always like this at first, where she didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t okay. She didn’t know if it was okay yet to curl up against him or just kiss him whenever she wanted. It had been one date. She just wasn’t sure what that one date had meant to him.

She started off with something small, like reaching over and resting her hand on top of his. He hesitated a moment, but took hers, and gave it a gentle squeeze. Their eyes met for a moment, and they both smiled. She took that as her cue to start moving closer. She inched herself against him, just their legs brushing and eventually resting her head on his shoulder.

Tali and Ash wept over the bad soap opera for a while, while Garrus patted Tali on the head as she cried into his chest. It seemed to be a regular thing for them. Shepard didn’t know how long they’d been together, but they possessed the ease of a couple that had spent many years together. It wasn’t a feeling she’d known in a very long time, but desperately wanted to feel again.

She and Kaidan didn’t say much to one another, because each time they did, Ashley hushed them through her tears. However, Shepard didn’t mind very much. Kaidan kept slowly moving closer, easing her more and more into his lap. She didn’t know if he was just trying to get comfortable or trying to make some kind of advance. It was far from unwanted though.

After another episode or two, Tali and Garrus left. He let a very heartbroken Tali lean against him as they headed back downstairs. Ashley sat on the couch for a moment, and looked over at them.

“I’m so glad  _ you guys  _ are happy!” she shrieked, wiping her eyes.

“Ash, it wasn’t that sad,” Kaidan asserted, adjusting his arm around her.

“Hey!” Shepard said, “Don’t belittle her sadness. It was clearly trying.”

“Thanks,” Ashley sniffled. “Okay. I’m going to leave you guys alone, and go be sad somewhere else.”

Ashley wobbled off the couch and into her room, and shut the door. Kaidan looked back to make sure she’d settled into her room before grabbing the half empty bottle of wine off the counter and bringing it back to the living room. Shepard extended her glass and let him fill it.

“Should have seen her when we watched  _ The Notebook _ ,” Kaidan said, taking a sip of his wine.

“It’s a rough one.”

“Yeah, it got me a little misty too.”

Shepard paused a moment and looked down, going for her drink. She could feel Kaidan’s eyes on her, not in an oppressive way, but him admiring her. She flicked her eyes back up, catching him. She reached her hand over and rested it on top of his leg. 

“Thanks for having me over,” Shepard said. “It’s… nice to know that there’s someone so close by who feels safe.”

“Safe?”

Shepard nodded warily. She didn’t know if she’d gone and said too much. She didn’t want Kaidan knowing so much about her so early. Maybe if he learned to love the other parts of her, he could get over all the bad and broken in the backdrop.

“I don’t trust easily, for good reason.”

“You know, storms don’t last forever, Shepard.”

She glanced back up at him and gave a weak smile. “Yeah.”

Shepard slid closer to him, placing her legs over his. Kaidan smiled and put one of his hands on her waist.

“And you make me really happy,” he said. “Hey, come here. We should migrate to the bigger couch now that Ash is gone.”

Shepard laughed. “What, too small for this one?”

“We can’t all be petite, Shepard,” he said, holding out a hand for her. He led her over to the other couch, and took a seat. They both leaned up against the back of the couch, close to one another. Kaidan slid her legs over his and ran his hand up and down her thigh gently. 

Shepard leaned forward, breathing him in for a moment. She’d told him the night before that he didn’t need to ask next time he wanted to kiss her, but he hadn’t all night. It left her with this strong craving to touch him and be all his.

She could almost taste the wine on his lips and the softness of them. Their kiss the night before had been hypnotizing, and it drew her in so deep she didn’t want to stop. It made her feel like she was floating. 

She inched forward and placed her lips against his. He cupped the back of her head and pulled her in closer. Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck and climbed into his lap. Kaidan parted his lips and kissed her harder. She leaned back slowly, and he guided her to the back of the couch. She parted her legs and let him climb on top of her.

Her tongue slid against his and she gripped at his hair tightly. He let out a low moan into her mouth and tensed up. Her fingers knotted tightly in his curls and she pressed her hips against his. She arched her back and he pressed her to his body, hard and firm. Kaidan’s body moved against hers in a rhythm that felt like music, with brief notes of their own moans and breathing weaved together.

She wanted to learn every part of his body in time, to know what it felt like to wake up with him breathing beside her and holding her close. She couldn’t believe she’d ever grow tired of his touch and affection.

Kaidan drew his lips lower to her neck, his teeth leaving marks as he found the sensitive spot just below her ear that made her whimper his name. She traced her hand down his body, fingers toying with the bottom of his shirt. Her fingers slipped up the bottom of his t-shirt and she explored the firm muscles of his stomach. She heard him hum something sexy and appreciative against her skin. 

She tilted her head back, exposing more of her neck. He kissed harder, scruff leaving marks against her skin. She gasped his name and her entire body shivered. Her heart began to race, and her breathing grew deeper. They’d hardly done anything more than kiss, and she just wanted all of him. Her body ached for him to come closer, to pull clothing off between kisses and feel hot skin on hot skin. 

Kaidan stopped kissing her for a moment, eyes still closed and breathing struggled. “Are you okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

She swallowed, and looked up at him. His amber eyes were concerned and tender, and he reached for one of her hands to hold against his chest. “Yes. I just… I don’t know how far I want to go right now. This is fine, I just, don’t want to do anything more yet.”

“Okay. Does this work for you?”

He gave her a sweet smile and kissed her forehead softly, and then her cheek, and her nose, and whichever free spots he could press his lips to as she laughed and squirmed under his grip.

“Yes! That’s fine! Now stop, before I flail and maim you.”

He did as she asked and brushed his nose against hers. “You’re ticklish. Good to know.”

Shepard brought a hand up to his face and smiled. “I didn’t mean we had to stop kissing.”

He leaned back on the couch and let her rest on top of him. She cupped his face again and kissed him lightly, small, delicate little kisses that made her hair stand on end. She loved the softness of his lips, and the taste of him, and the way he held her so protectively and made every part of her feel safe and warm. 

She lost track of how many times she kissed him, or how many times he kissed her, but after some time, she stopped and rested her head against his shoulder. Her breathing slowly matched his and she shut her eyes. She couldn’t imagine falling asleep anywhere else.

“Do you want to stay here?” he asked.

She nodded. “Please.”

“Okay,” he replied, kissing her forehead and reaching for the blanket on top of the couch. He pulled it over both of them and tucked them in. He smoothed his fingers through her hair before kissing her again.

It was just how she imagined, falling asleep with him. She hadn’t felt so calm as she did listening to his breathing and heartbeat. He kept one arm around her back and the other holding her hand. She didn’t want to say it yet because it was far too soon, too dangerous to let her heart get so reckless, but there was no shame in being optimistic.

_ I’m going to love you,  _ she thought, kissing him one more time before falling asleep in his arms.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far my favorite chapter so far. I can't wait to hear what you guys think of it :D

“Hmm, he works at Best Buy, that’s suspicious,” Joker said, lifting the weights from the bench. 

Shepard leaned against the nearest machine and rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine, next time I’ll start seeing a guy who can’t tell me what he does for a living because if he did, I’d be in danger.”

“Now  _ that’s  _ suspicious,” Steve, probably one of the most reasonable and responsible of her gym buddies, said. “There’s nothing wrong with working IT, Joker. I mean, hey, I waited tables for years, and I’m not suspicious.”

“You’re suspiciously nice,” Joker argued. “I’m not trying to say he murders people or that you should try to date scary dudes, but like… there’s gotta be  _ something  _ wrong with him.”

Shepard nodded. “I mean, of course. He’s not perfect. He might love his cat more than anything, but it’s not the worst thing.”

She swallowed.  _ I hope there’s something wrong with him. Otherwise, he’ll never even try to understand me. _

“What are we talking about?” James said, returning from his most recent training session. “Shepard’s new  _ muchacho?” _

“Yeah,” Joker said, “you met him?”

“I haven’t, but I’d like to.”

“Of course. It needs the Vega Seal of Approval,” Steve teased.

“Well, you’re not wrong. If James thinks he’s an ass, he’s probably right. He’s not usually wrong about these things.”

James shrugged. “Hey, amazing things happen when your brain is out of your  _ pantalones,  _ you feel?”

James was right. He’d been one of the first ones to really talk to her after her last relationship ended. It had been he and Anderson to pull her out of a really deep hole and get her back on her feet. She spent a month and a half living at James’ apartment while she hunted for a new place to live, and the two had grown significantly closer. It wasn’t until one day when she accidentally flirted with him after having a little too much to drink, that he confessed he wasn’t attracted to her. Not sexually at least, which led to him admitting that he really wasn’t sexually attracted to  _ anyone _ . 

“James should meet him,” Shepard agreed. “I’ll figure something out, soon.”

“Good because I don’t even know what he looks like. I mean, unless you have a picture.”

Shepard side-eyed him. Joker put down his weights and crossed his arms. Even Steve - nice, pure, sweet Steve - was waiting. She definitely hated them all today.

“What? Not even friends on Facebook?” Joker asked. “If he works in IT, I would expect him to at least be a little well versed in social media. Unless he’s one of those 4Chan dudes.”

Shepard sighed and reached for her phone from its case strapped around her arm, and opened up Facebook. She searched Kaidan’s name and pulled up his profile. He hardly updated it, but he had accepted her friend request several days ago, just before their date. She flipped through to find a profile picture that they wouldn’t find something to make fun of, and passed them her phone.

She’d sided on a picture that Ashley had taken of him (as he dictated in the snarky caption) sitting on the fire escape at their building, beer bottle in one hand and the other in his messy curls, a few days worth of scruff on his cheeks and jaw. He looked happy, and so incredibly handsome.

“Oh, he is cute,” Steve said.

“Eh, too pretty, but if you think he’s fine, whatever. He probably spends way too much time fixing his hair,” Joker said, picking up a slightly heavier weight to work with.

“You always got to be such a  _ pendejo,  _ Joker?” James said. “I think he looks like a decent guy. I mean, it’s a good thing too. Because I swear, if he hurts you…”

“What?” Shepard said, slipping her phone back into its case on her arm. “You don’t think I could handle it myself?”

Joker grunted. “I mean, she bench pressed ten more pounds than I did last week. I think a single punch from Shepard would probably knock half a man’s teeth out, and she might make them into a nice necklace.”

“That’s nasty,” she replied.

It was nice to hear the guys think so highly of her, because she certainly wasn’t thinking that highly of herself. If Kaidan ended up being the furthest thing from how he seemed, she didn’t know how she’d react, especially if their relationship had developed further. It was too scary for her to think about now.

“Shepard!” Anderson called from his office.

She turned her head as he flagged her down, and left the boys to probably discuss her love life behind their backs. Thankfully, Steve was there to moderate. He and his husband Robert had been together for years, and they were always the best couple to have at parties. And Joker had been steadily dating Edi, a local engineer, for several months now. So naturally, they were now thriving off her love life.

Shepard reached Anderson’s office and stepped inside. “You needed me?”

He nodded. “Yeah, let’s get lunch. My treat, and just you and me.”

Shepard smiled and nodded. “Okay. I think that sounds pretty nice.”

“Grab your things and meet me by my car. I can’t do the cafe food another day this week.”

Five minutes later, she met Anderson out by his car, and they got into drive downtown for lunch. His car was pristinely clean and still smelled like new car, and had heated leather seats, though it didn’t matter much on scorching days like today.

“Are they bothering you?” Anderson asked as he drove.

Shepard looked up. “Oh… no. They’re just, you know, being guys. It’s fine, really. It’s mostly just Joker being a pest.”

“Color me shocked.”

Shepard smiled. “I mean, I think I could take any one of them down, so I’m really not concerned if they want to ask about my love life.”

Anderson glanced over at Shepard and looked her up and down. “You seem happy.”

She nodded. “I… yeah, I’m doing good.”

Anderson swallowed. She hoped that he wasn’t thinking about the times where she wasn’t happy. It was far too easy for him to do that. There were so few people who were allowed to see her at her weakest, and Anderson was one of them. From holding her close at funerals, to telling her how proud he was for when she enlisted, Anderson - and his longtime partner Kahlee - had been the best support network she’d had in years. 

He’d been there to tend to her late night escapes to his house, where he let her curl up on the couch and promised that no one would be able to get through the door, and that she was safe there, and to ice bruises and calm her when she couldn’t stop shaking.

“If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you,” he said. “Just know after the last one, I  _ will  _ be far more attentive.”

Shepard smiled. “Thanks. I don’t think that will be a problem though.”

“It better not be,” Anderson asserted. “Otherwise, I’m going to have to whip out my old army training again.”

Shepard laughed. “I wouldn’t do that, old man. Might break a hip.”

“I think I’m regretting treating you to lunch.”

He looked over at her again. If he was seeing her as the timid and sweet girl he took in when she was sixteen, she was fine with that. Years of asserting that she didn’t need anyone caught up to her eventually, and now, she took time to acknowledge how nice it was to have people take care of her, even if just for short periods of time. She could appreciate brief moments in time where she didn’t have to carry the weight all by herself.

“No,” Shepard said, shaking her head, “you don’t. We don’t get enough days like this.”

 

***

 

“Text Shepard.  _ Now _ ,” Ashley barked.

Kaidan took a long sip of his beer and shook his head. He hadn’t had  _ nearly  _ enough to drink in order to invite Shepard out to a karaoke bar. Because if he knew one thing, Ashley was going to sing. Several songs. All very badly. 

The last time he’d allowed Ash to go to a karaoke bar, she’d done three songs. Two Britney Spears, and then one Frank Sinatra after she heckled an older man off stage for a bad rendition of “Send in the Clowns” and proceeded to do an even worse rendition. They needed to find a different bar after that.

“I’m not asking my almost-girlfriend to come to a bar just so that she can watch you sing Justin Bieber badly.”

“I’m not going to sing Justin Bieber,” Ash asserted. “Maybe some One Direction, but not the Biebs. I think you should. It’s like your thing.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“Because he’s Canadian, duh!”

Kaidan rolled his eyes and finished his beer. “Yeah, I might sooner sing some Nickelback.”

Ash elbowed him. “Joking aside, come on. You need to just get used to being around each other. Inviting her over the other night was good. Baby steps. And this is casual. It doesn’t scream ‘heeeey, girl, we’re gonna bang later and maybe get married’. It’s just friends hanging out. What if I text her? What if I do it?”

Kaidan frowned. “I mean, you’re going to do it anyway, so knock yourself out.”

“She’d probably appreciate it if you did.”

He groaned. “Fine. Help me draft it.”

_ Hey. Ash and I are out grabbing drinks at that dive bar down the road, if you’re not busy and want to join us,  _ he typed.

Ashley shook her head. “No, too casual.”

“You told me being casual was a good thing!”

“Not  _ that _ casual. Try this.”

Ash stole his phone from his hands and began typing. 

_ Hey. Ash and I are out grabbing drinks at that dive bar down the road, and I’d really love it if you joined us if you don’t have other plans. _

“There,” she said, and hit send.

Kaidan felt his heart rate pick up. Of course he wanted to see Shepard. He thought about her almost all day. And he loved seeing her out. He thought she was always beautiful, but she was something else when she got dolled up to do something. He woke up with the sweet image of her on their date in his head almost every morning.

He shoved his phone back in his pocket, and tried to pretend it wasn’t there. It helped him feel less nervous about reaching out to her. He didn’t want to seem too needy, or like that clingy new boyfriend who just wanted to be around her all the time. He’d dealt with those types before and they were indeed miserable.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Of course, darling. See, what would you do without me?”

“Probably die,” he replied.

“You’re right.”

There were some days - well, a lot of days - where Kaidan wished he was more like his best friend. He wanted her boldness and bravery, because she hardly worried what people would think of her, or what the consequences would be of every little action she took. She wasn’t afraid of people finding her weird, and if they did, she could just write it off as the person just not being anyone she should devote time to. He admired that more than he’d ever tell her.

Kaidan’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he tensed up. Ashley reached into his pocket and pulled it out for him.

“Oh man, she’s going to come! Wow, I am  _ so  _ good at this shit.”

“Really?”

Ash read off his phone. “Sure, that sounds fun! I’ll be there soon.”

Kaidan nodded. “Okay. That’s good?”

“Hell yeah it’s good.”

Ashley opened up the karaoke book behind her and started sifting through songs. Kaidan bounced his leg anxiously and kept his eyes on the door, looking for Shepard. Ashley gasped and nudged the book at Kaidan’s shoulder.

“What?”

“I should sing Lady Marmalade. I love that song.”

“Everyone loves Lady Marmalade. If someone says they don’t, they’re lying.”

Ash bounced up and down and headed to the man behind the karaoke booth. She took him the book and waited for her turn beside the stage. She waved excitedly at Kaidan from the other side of the bar. He waved back, eyes still on the door.

The MC announced that Ashley was next, and she happily jumped on stage. Kaidan caught sight of someone with bright red hair popping into the bar. He glanced over and saw Shepard scanning the crowd for him. Her hair was up and in a messy bun, makeup natural and light. She’d swapped out her work gear for a pair of jean shorts and a cute top. 

_ God _ , he thought,  _ I’m the luckiest man alive. _

She wiggled her way through the crowd and cupped his face, pulling him in for a kiss. He wrapped his hands around her waist and kissed her harder for just a moment. She drew away for a brief moment and smiled, biting down on her lip. He’d been in enough relationships to know that there was a period of time where everything was exciting, and each kiss felt like fireworks. With Shepard, he simply didn’t see their kisses getting any less thrilling. He hoped he was right.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

Ashley’s song started, and per usual, it was a bit of a trainwreck. It was off key, accentuated with wobbly Moulin Rouge dance moves, but somehow, it worked. Ashley was cute and adorable enough for even the worst performances to still be charming. 

“Karaoke, huh?” Shepard teased.

Kaidan nodded. “Ashley really likes to sing. Not very good at it, but it’s too innocent to tell her to stop. I just have to make sure she doesn’t get belligerent.”

Shepard smiled. “It’s cute.”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Your friendship too. You care a lot about each other.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know what I’d do without her. We stick together… even through her bad karaoke nights.”

Ashley finished singing, to an applause that mostly consisted of drunk guys who thought she was cute, and of course both Shepard and Kaidan. She returned to the bar where the other two were sitting and greeted Shepard excitedly.

“Hey, you have that karaoke book?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Oh no, not you too.”

“If you’re trying to get him to sing with you, he never will,” Ashley asserted. “I’ve been trying for years.”

Shepard shrugged and started looking over the list of songs Ash handed her. Kaidan had a  _ very  _ bad feeling about this.

“I don’t sing,” Kaidan asserted.

Ashley narrowed her eyes and shook her head. Kaidan held a finger up to his lips and scolded her. 

“Everyone  _ can _ ,” Shepard said. She looked up at Kaidan and gripped his arm. “Alright. Will you sing with  _ me _ ?”

Kaidan dropped his jaw and stuttered out a failure of an answer. “Shepard, I…”

“Come on. A duet would be cute!”

“Ha, hell no.”

“Please!” she begged, eyes going wide and sweet. She slid her hands down to his and brushed her thumbs against his skin. He squeezed her hands, and shook his head again. She pressed a kiss to the side of his head and whispered please again, and then looked up at him and pouted.

_Oh no,_ _I can’t say no to that,_ he thought.

“Um… okay. I’ll sing with you.”

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” Ashley shrieked. “Holy shit!”

Kaidan turned to her and shook his head. “Not helping, Ash.”

Shepard took his hand and smiled at him. “How do you feel about Aerosmith?”

He furrowed his brows. “Aerosmith?”

“Come on, there’s no one up. Let’s do this.”

She pulled him closer to the stage, and shoved the karaoke book at the DJ.

“We’re going to do ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’,” she said to him.

“Oh my god, you had to pick the corniest love song ever?”

She turned back around and crossed her arms. “It’s a classic. I’ll even take the first verse for you. You can sing when you want.”

“How about not at all?” he asked.

“No, not that option.”

He groaned. “I really… I don’t sing. It’s not my strong suit.”

She shrugged. “Well, it’s a good thing you’re pretty.”

Shepard pulled him onto the stage. It was tiny and shoved into the corner of the bar, so it wasn’t terribly intimidating. He’d certainly performed on bigger, and this was not much different from what he was used to. But that had been years ago. He could make out Ashley’s figure in the back of the bar, waving at him and giving some aggressive thumbs up.

The music started, and Kaidan nervously gripped the mic stand in front of him. At least he had something to do with his hands. 

The first verse started, and Shepard sang. She was no American Idol, but she was significantly better than Ashley, and with less life-threatening dance moves. Her voice was sweet and strong, just like her, and she kept part of her gaze on him, and the other on the lyrics as they passed on the screen.

_ For every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,  _ she sang, glaring at him and encouraging him to at least join in the chorus. He thought about it just for a moment, but she was clearly enjoying herself, and he couldn’t bear to interrupt.

She belted out the chorus, as if this were her shower or her bedroom with a hairbrush in hand, turning back to him to direct the song at him. As the chorus came to a close, she looked at him again, this time a little irritated, but prepared nonetheless for him to not join in again.

He took in a deep breath and sang, “ _ Lying close to you, feeling your heart beating…” _

She turned, eyes wide, but trying not to lose place in the song. However, she let him go.

_ And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming. Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing. _

He reached out a hand and pulled her closer and continued.

_ And I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever, forever and ever. _

Her smile spread across her lips and she looped her fingers through his belt loops, and joined him in the chorus. He couldn’t say that their voices meshed perfectly together, but with her singing to him, and him singing to her, words fit for a romantic film, or perhaps one about a killer asteroid set to wipe out the planet, it felt like the perfect arrangement.

_ I don't wanna miss one smile.  _ He cupped a hand to her cheek and smiled.  _ I don't wanna miss one kiss.  _

_ Well, I just wanna be with you.  _ She tugged him closer by his jeans, hand drawing up his shirt.  _ Right here with you, just like this. _

_ I just wanna hold you close. I feel your heart so close to mine. _

It felt to him as though they were the only two people in the room. Just them, singing and dancing like nobody was watching, like something dorky they’d do while cooking together or an impromptu concert in their living room to an awful movie soundtrack.

_ And just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time. _

There might have been mild head banging, or tearing a mic away from the mic stand. Things he’d never do if he weren’t with her. Things that hadn’t felt safe with any other person.

_ I don't wanna close my eyes. I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing.  _ He took a step closer to her, way overdramatically crooning the lyrics to her.

_ 'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream would never do, and I'd still miss you, baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing.  _ She struggled through her laughter to finish, and cupped his cheek. 

_ Don't wanna close my eyes. I don't wanna fall asleep, yeah. I don't wanna miss a thing.  _ They finished at the same time, and it didn’t matter if the crowd cheered or not. They were just happy.

She blushed and laughed, just staying there looking at him for another moment. He pulled her in for a quick kiss. There was a brief “aw” from the crowd, and Shepard pulled away.

“You said you couldn’t sing.”

He smiled back. “I was in a band.”

“You don’t say,” she teased.

“Let’s go, rock star. We should give someone else a chance.”

 

***

 

“I’m still mad you didn’t tell me that you’re like… a natural Steven Tyler.”

Kaidan laughed and leaned his head against the wall of the stairwell. When they arrived back at the apartment, neither of them wanted to go home just yet. So sitting on the stairs outside of Shepard’s apartment it was.

“Please. I think I’m more of a Bon Jovi,” he said, and stroked the back of her hand. “That was fun, though.”

She nodded. “It was. You know, you’re a tricky one to figure out.”

“How so?”

She shrugged. “You’re quiet, and smart, and sweet… I just… I don’t know. I’m still learning. Tonight seemed so unlike you, but it was refreshing.”

He laughed under his breath. “So you’re saying you just learned I know how to have a little fun?”

She smiled back. “No. I think you’re very fun.”

He swallowed and looked away for a moment. Shepard wondered if she’d said something wrong, or if this was going to be a conversation she didn’t want to have right now. Not when she was so happy, and so ready to love him.

“You know,” he started, “sometimes I think I’m a little bit of a coward. I don’t put myself out there the way some people do, and I spend so much damn time thinking before I act that I miss chances, and  _ god,  _ do I overthink things. I just like being in control of my life, all of it, but sometimes it means I skip out on things because I don’t know what the outcome will be.”

His jaw clenched, and he didn’t really want to look at her. Here he was, telling her his insecurities in himself, and couldn’t even say it to her face. But instead of being angry, it made her sad.

“It might actually be a smart thing, Kaidan.”

He shrugged. “Of course it is, sometimes. But when I’m with you, it doesn’t feel like I  _ have  _ to be that way. It feels like I can be whoever I want, someone who maybe I was afraid to be before. Like if I take chances, just trust a little easier, I’m not so worried about what will come of it. It’s a little freeing.” 

She squeezed his hand tightly, and he looked back to her.

“You make me feel brave,” he said, and furrowed his brows, wondering if that’s what he really wanted to say. “No… you make me feel human.”

She slid closer to him, circling her arms around his waist and pressed her forehead to his. She breathed him in for a moment and pressed her lips to his. His hand cradled the back of her head and kissed her harder. She loved the feeling of his strong hands weaved in her soft hair, and the way his always-there scruff brushed against her skin, and all of it just made her want to bring him inside and kiss him until neither of them could breathe anymore.

But she pulled away, eyes still closed, appreciating the night’s worth she had of the taste of his lips, and the strong scent of his cologne. There would be more whiskey-soaked kisses another night.

“I should go,” she whispered.

He nodded. “Okay.”

He helped her off the steps, and down to her door, kissing her forehead one more time. And she went to sleep with the taste of him on her lips, and pretended that the melody playing in her head was him singing her to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments on the last chapter, and for the continued support for this fic. It really means so much and makes it so fun to write. I can't wait to hear all the squee-ing that goes on after this one ;)

 

“The beach, Lola?” James said, arriving at her apartment. He was clad in his beach gear, a pair of board shorts and a muscle tank. He had a bottle of tequila in one hand.

She nodded, loading a few other drinks into the cooler on her counter. “Kaidan and Ash were going and invited me, and said I could bring whoever I wanted. They went this morning because his parents stopped by earlier in the day.”

James raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t go to meet his parents?”

She shook her head. “No. I felt like that would be weird. He’s not even my boyfriend yet.”

“It’s probably awkward to introduce your parents to your hook up buddy.”

Shepard paused. “I don’t think we’re even that. Sure, we kiss, but we haven’t done anything much more than that.”

“Huh…”

“Do you think this bathing suit looks okay?” she asked, stepping out from behind the counter.

Growing up, she hated one pieces. She’d rather wear a bikini or something that showed a little more skin than this. But after the accident, she had to improvise a little. If she was around people she was comfortable with, maybe she’d be more daring. But this was someone she wanted to love her and accept her. So going slow was the best she could do.

The suit was white with a nice rust orange crocheted pattern along the low cut neckline. It wasn’t old lady-ish in the slightest, which was nice. She’d tied a scarf around her waist and pulled her hair into a bun. She thought she looked as nice as she could for someone who didn’t feel comfortable around her own significant other.

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“I don’t look like a soccer mom?”

James shook his head. “Shepard, trust me, you’re fine. And I think there’s plenty for Kaidan to enjoy.”

He glanced down at her chest and she rolled her eyes, readjusting herself. “I know. It’s a lot of boobs. I didn’t think it would shrink this much in the wash.”

“It’s fine, Shepard. I really don’t think he’s going to care either way.”

She paused. “Either way?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think that it would really matter that much if you just told him.”

“I’m not doing that yet. I think I have something good,” she said, her voice growing quieter. “If this can last the way I think it can, he needs to fall in love with me first. You accept everyone’s flaws better when you already know who they are.”

James sat down on one of the barstools and sighed. “Shepard, if he matters at all, he’ll understand no matter what. It’s all a lot to swallow, but anyone who loves you wouldn’t care. Whatever hardships you’ve gone through, they’re not  _ you. _ ”

She broke a weak smile and looked up. “Thanks.”

“But I respect your wishes to not tell him for a while. Take things one-step at a time. And remember that I have the right to beat his ass if he ever wrongs you.”

Shepard crossed her arms. “I can do the ass beating myself, Vega. Let’s get a move on, though. I’d like to get some sun before it gets too hot and I burn.”

“That’s right. My little pale, freckly ginger. Let’s get you a nice tan.”

Shepard finished loading up her bag and a small cooler of beers and snacks, and her hardcore SPF 75 sunscreen, and hopped into James’ car. The beach Kaidan told them to meet them at was a little further up from the regular, tourist-ridden beach, and that he had the umbrella with the Canadian flag on it. She didn’t ask why he had a giant beach umbrella with the Canadian flag on it.

This beach was far less crowded, and each beachgoer had enough space to not feel squished. Shepard skimmed over the beach and spotted a white and red umbrella, with little maple leaves on it. It wasn’t as aggressive as she was expecting, and that was great news. She nodded at it and let James follow. She could make out Ashley lounging on a large beach blanket, reading in the shade, and Kaidan next to her, napping face down on the blanket. They approached, and when Ashley caught sight of them, Shepard told her to keep quiet.

She set the cooler down on the ground and pulled out an ice-cold beer, and held it against the back of Kaidan’s neck. He let out a panicked shriek, and rolled over.

“Ashley! That’s rude-,” he groaned, and looked up at Shepard holding the beer, and smiled. “Oh, hey.”

Ashley set her book down. “Wow! So you’d yell at me, but when she does it, it’s cute? You’re an asswipe, you know that?”

Kaidan stood up, ignoring her and greeting Shepard with a kiss. She’d never seen him with this little clothing before. He was a jeans and a t-shirt kind of guy even on the hottest days, and their relationship hadn’t quite gotten to the removing clothes stage just yet. His skin was even with a strong olive tan, slightly oily from sunscreen and tanning lotion, and his stomach was wrapped with firm, toned muscles. She was glad she was wearing sunglasses because maybe he wouldn’t notice her staring, from the soft dark hairs on his chest to the trail leading into his plain blue swim shorts, or the way that his hair seemed particularly curly and wild today…

“Oh, Kaidan, Ash, this is James. He’s my best friend.”

Kaidan held out a hand for James, and they exchanged what Shepard assumed was the definition of a nice, firm, manly handshake. Shepard took a seat down on the blanket near Ashley, and the boys joined them.

“Is that tequila?” Ashley asked.

James nodded. “Oh yeah. Why? You want some?”

“Hell yeah!”

“Ash, remember last time,” Kaidan cautioned.

She waved him off, as James opened the bottle and poured a shot into her cup. Shepard leaned over closer to Kaidan.

“What happened last time?”

“She got so drunk that she fell asleep in the sun and got burnt to hell.”

Shepard nodded. “I mean, you asking me to be here is risking half my skin charring off.”

James laughed. “Shepard is pale as shit, and she’s not fun when she gets burnt. Watch her.”

Kaidan smiled, and pulled her closer to kiss her forehead. “Alright, I’ll protect the freckles from the big bad sun. Must be so hard being the only white one here.”

“You guys should do one too!” Ashley cheered.

Kaidan glanced at Shepard for a moment to gauge her interest. She shrugged. “Why not?”

He grabbed her a tiny little plastic cup and let James pour a shot for each of them. The tequila was cheap, and Shepard would have to scold him later. He had a thing where he always cheapened up with his tequila if he knew he had to share it. She’d have to clue him into this little thing called “first impressions” later.

First impressions probably didn’t mean bringing the shitiest tequila from the liquor store to make friends.

Shepard backed up, and rested herself against Kaidan. He slid an arm around her and breathed her in.

“You smell like coconuts,” he teased, keeping his voice low like it was a secret between them.

“You smell like beer and bananas.”

He laughed and squeezed her tighter. He pushed a few strands of hair away from her neck so he could press his lips to the newly exposed skin and hold her tightly. He kissed the spot below her ear that was all too ticklish and she squirmed. 

Ashley groaned. “They’re gross.”

“Come on,” James said, “let them be happy.”

Shepard glanced back at Kaidan and smiled. Happy was a good way to put it.

Shepard stayed on the blanket, resting in Kaidan’s arms as the four acquainted themselves with one another. James and Ashley bonded in Spanish over something neither she nor Kaidan could understand very well, and then she asked to look at all his tattoos, to which James hesitantly agreed. They also did two more shots of tequila together.

Ash and James went off to chat after a little while, and several suspicious glances at them, and she knew they were most likely going off to talk about them, devise plans, something wingmen-like. But she couldn’t bring herself to care. She was more than thrilled to have a little alone time with Kaidan.

“Hey, you’re burning,” he said, ushering her under the umbrella a little more. “Let me help you out with that.”

Shepard reached into her bag and pulled out her sunscreen and passed it to him. She pulled her hair out of the way and let him slowly massage the lotion onto her skin. She flinched at first as his fingers moved over a particularly burnt part of her shoulder. His touch eased up, and he gently leaned forward and placed a kiss there.

She turned her head around and rolled her eyes. “That was corny, you know?”

He smiled. “It’s cute and you know it. Does it feel better now or not?”

She shrugged. “Maybe a little.”

“See?”

He finished rubbing the lotion in and placed her bathing suit strap back in its spot. She turned back around to him and leaned down on the blanket with him. He reached out and placed a hand on her side.

“Come here,” he said. 

She scooted closer, turning over and letting him hold her from behind. She could feel his lips resting just inches from her neck, and remembered the first morning they woke up together. Ashley had woken them up, actually, stepping out of her room, expecting Kaidan to already be awake, and cutting herself off when she spotted them fast asleep on the couch. She’d been the little spoon, with Kaidan holding her close and making sure she didn’t roll off and onto the floor.

He’d been so warm, a little sweaty since there was no air conditioning, but he still felt so secure and comfortable. Once Ashley was gone, she’d kissed him awake and snuggled up on his chest again. It would have been easier if they’d been on a bed, but she couldn’t complain, and she could only hope there would be more mornings like that. 

“I’m happy you decided to come,” he said.

“Of course. I mean, hey, I figured it was worth it to see you all oiled up and half naked.”

He laughed, holding her tighter. “If that’s what you wanted, you should have just asked.”

“Sorry, I can’t say as much for myself. I’m not super comfortable showing skin.”

Kaidan propped himself up on his elbow and reached out for her hand. “It’s okay, really. I think you look beautiful, as always.”

She cupped his cheek and pulled him closer to her. She rested her lips against his. He slid his hand down her body and kissed her harder. Slowly, their bodies came together, their slightly sticky warm skin pressed to one another. He tilted her head forward, closer to him, deepening their kiss. His lips moved lower, softly feathering her neck, occasionally nipping at her skin. Her back arched and she muttered his name under her breath. 

“God, can you really not control yourselves?” Ashley groaned.

Ash and James returned to the blanket, Ashley wobbling a little bit into James, who made sure she didn’t face plant into the sand.

Kaidan turned over and she sat up, resting a hand against his chest. She had a moment now to begin learning so many new parts of him. She’d already fallen in love with his thick and curly hair, and his charming amber eyes, but now there was so much more. Her eyes trailed down from his scruffy cheeks and jawline, and the prominent collarbones at the top of his chest, and his smooth skin pulled over strong muscles. She was so fixated on these new parts of his body she hadn’t discovered yet. 

“It’s okay,” Ash said, “Just don’t grope each other in front of me, and we’re fine.”

Shepard laid down beside him and he reached for her hand, peering over his sunglasses. The two exchanged a smile, and wove their fingers between each other’s.

 

***

Shepard had promised to take care of Ashley if the two of them went down to the water. Kaidan trusted her, though a slightly drunk Ashley - especially tequila drunk - was a force to be reckoned with. Though, part of him was just a little nervous to be sitting here alone with James. He knew this kind of conversation had been coming since he first started developing an interest for her. Just like he had Ashley, she had James. 

“So…”

Kaidan glanced over at James. “Hmm?”

“You and Lola.”

“Lola being Shepard?”

He nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I call her. She looks like a Lola, doesn’t go by a first name, so Lola.”

Kaidan shrugged and took another sip of his beer. The sun was going to go down within the next hour, and his skin felt stiff and slightly irritated from the sun, but he knew it would turn to a nice bronze soon enough.

“I guess Lola fits. But yeah, we’re seeing one another.”

James looked over. “I know. And from what I’ve gathered, she’s quite smitten.”

Kaidan smirked. “Smitten?”

He nodded. “Yeah. She tends to blush when I ask about the boyfriend.”

Kaidan shook his head. “I’m not her boyfriend. We aren’t official or anything. Just… sort of dating, I guess.”

“Not official, huh? What does it take to make it official?”

Kaidan shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess asking her if she wants to be my girlfriend, for starters.”

“Do you want her to be your girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied, “Of course. I’m… well, I’m pretty crazy about her.”

“If I didn’t know any better,” James said, “she’s pretty crazy about you too. Never thought I’d see her this happy again. That poor girl has been through a lot of hurt.”

_ How could anyone hurt someone as incredible as her?  _ he thought. Though, his mother had said basically the same thing after he and Owen broke up, and that had seemed pretty damn believable. Even the best people were capable of being hurt, apparently.

“I wouldn’t hurt her.”

“Sometimes that’s something you can’t control. But it's what you choose to do that matters. I think Shepard knows it too. She seems to trust you, and if that’s the case, I trust you too. Just… whatever you do… god dammit, treat her well, okay? She deserves it.”

Kaidan nodded. “Of course. I care too much about her already.”

“Well, if you care so much… why not ask her to be your girlfriend?”

Kaidan finished his beer and didn’t make eye contact.“You know… I’m really bad at confrontation.”

“ _ Confrontation? Dios,  _ it’s a conversation between you and her. It’s not like accusing her of something horrible like eating your leftovers. It’s asking her if she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. And truthfully, I think she does.”

“I mean, you could be guiding me the wrong direction so I make an ass out of myself.”

“I want Shepard to be happy. I think having someone like you in her life would make her very happy. It’s that simple.”

Kaidan glanced over at him. “Were you and her ever a thing?”

James laughed. “Oh god, no. I’m not sexually attracted to people, so I’ve never really wanted to. I mean, I could ask you the same about Ashley.”

Kaidan grumbled. “It’s kind of complicated. We’re not together.”

“You just sleep together when you’re lonely.”

Kaidan looked at the cooler and grabbed himself another beer. “We were always friends first, but we tried dating for a little while. It just doesn’t work as well as we work as friends. So… you think I should ask her?”

James nodded. “Oh hell yeah.”

Kaidan groaned. Of course he  _ wanted  _ Shepard to formally be his girlfriend, but he hadn’t actually asked someone to be his boyfriend or girlfriend in years. It had just happened naturally. And it’s not like he suspected that would never happen with Shepard, but he wanted something to say that he wanted her, and only her. Something that would make it a little more normal to kiss her when he wanted, and do wonderful things like fall asleep together and hold each other all night long. 

“You’re very persuasive,” Kaidan said.

“No, I think you’re just getting drunker. Here, one more beer and I think the nerves will be gone.”

 

***

 

When Shepard returned from going near the waves with Ashley, Kaidan swept her up immediately. Ashley, sunburnt and drunk, laid back down on her towel, and James agreed to watch over her, just for a bit so the two of them would have some privacy. Kaidan took her hand and the two started down the beach, away from other people.

Her skin stung and felt stiff from being in the sun all day, but she’d had a good time. It was the start of feeling normal, she thought. It was the start of a life where Kaidan was part of her everyday, and even if they weren’t spending long amounts of time together, where between work they’d get lunch together or stop in the hallway for kisses on their way, she was happy to have it. 

And very importantly, James clearly approved, and James was harsher on the men and women in her life than anyone else was.

They crossed under a pier, which shaded them a little bit from the sun, but still gave a perfect view of the sunset in front of them, and Kaidan stopped her, slipping his arms around her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and looked up at him. He brushed his thumb along her sunburnt cheek, examining it.

“I’ll get you some aloe when we get back to the blanket. This looks painful.”

She nodded. “Yeah, it burns a little.”

“I think you’ll make it,” he teased. “Plus, it gives me so many more little freckles to kiss.”

She smiled. “It does. You have an open invitation.”

“Good.”

He paused, something waiting on his lips, something maybe he was afraid to say. Shepard pulled him closer and kissed the tip of his nose to shake him out of whatever he was feeling. 

“Are you happy?” he asked.

Shepard glanced up at him and nodded. It was an honest nod. She didn’t think she could be happy or safe with someone again, and yet, here she was. “I am. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied, but she noticed his hands tighten around her and he curled his arms around her protectively. “I was just talking with James, and he-.”

“Let me guess, he told you that I’ve had quite a rough time of it, and that he’d kill you if you hurt me?”

Kaidan smirked. “Something like that.”

There were so few things she could tell him to make him feel better. She couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him she wasn’t broken, because she might have believed she was. She couldn’t tell him that she was strong enough to handle another nightmare of a relationship, because she knew if this one went as poorly as the last, she’d definitely be swearing off love forever. But she couldn’t. All she could promise him was that she felt like the person she used to be around him, and that there was no one she’d rather be with.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m happy with you. Really happy.”

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, leaving his lips to linger there. She noted the way that his eyes fixated on her figure, learning her curves, and gently moving his hands up her body. 

“Me too, which is why I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend.”

Shepard laughed and leaned against him. Kaidan didn’t seem to know what to make of it.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“You’re such a sweet little dork,” she said.

He frowned. “I thought I was being cute.”

She looked back up at him and slid her hands to the side of his face. “I think you are too. You’re my favorite sweet little dork.”

She pulled him in for a kiss, and stood on her toes to move closer. He wrapped his arms around her and parted his lips to kiss her harder. She pulled away for a moment, him still trying to kiss her.

“To answer your question, yes, I would absolutely love to be your girlfriend. And now I can say that I have a gorgeous boyfriend who can make even the worst work uniform look decent.”

He smiled back. “Well, you already know I think you’re always gorgeous.”

He scooped her into his arms and spun her around, kicking up sand. He set her down and kissed her forehead, his smile clearly not going anywhere. It was just as evident in his eyes, an easy trust and happiness that she hadn’t quite seen before. Maybe for moments while they were singing together, or on their date, but this felt like it was here to stay. 

_ I won’t hurt you the way he did _ , she thought.  _ I promise you I won’t. _

And as if he knew, he met her with another kiss.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Things have been real busy with school and spring break, but here's another. All I'll say is... enjoy this one. The next few are going to bring the angst. I'd love to hear your thoughts! :D

Kaidan knew it was going to be a good morning when he heard Oleg knock over his food bowl an hour before he had to be up. He pulled the pillow off his head and looked over at where the cat was nibbling at his fallen kitty chow. He groaned and sat up.

“Dude, really?”

Oleg let out a happy meow and continued munching. Kaidan pulled the covers back around himself and laid down. Oleg hopped on the bed, clearly pleased he’d gotten his human’s attention and curled up in a ball next to Kaidan. He butted his head a few times until Kaidan petted him and pulled a protective arm over the obese cat. 

“Yeah, good morning to you too, buddy.

He didn’t get back up until an hour later when Ashley starting singing Britney Spears in the shower. He grumbled, and admitted defeat, after one verse and chorus of “Toxic” and climbed out of bed. He slipped into the bathroom and brushed his teeth and washed his face, and Ashley requested that he sing with her, but he politely declined. He’d need several cups of coffee before that was even an option.

He made himself breakfast and changed for work. By that point, Ashley had also dressed and prepared for work. She was substituting for a fourth grade class, so she looked very unlike herself. Sometimes Kaidan had a hard time imagining Ash as a teacher, but she loved poetry and books so much that it wasn’t  _ really  _ a stretch. Her black hair was pulled into a tight bun, makeup done more natural. Kaidan enjoyed the Ashley who wasn’t changing herself for work more.

“See you later, Geek Squad.”

Kaidan glared as he undid the deadbolt. “Excuse  _ you _ .”

“Oh, you like it,” Ash said, tossing her teacup into the sink. “At least when a certain  _ someone _ says it.”

“She’s my girlfriend. You don’t need to tease me like I’ve got a secret,” he added.

“Whatever. You go save those computers.”

Kaidan stepped into the hall, debating whether or not he wanted to stop by Shepard’s and say goodbye before work, but decided against it. If it was her day off, he doubted she’d want to be woken up.

Downstairs, he heard Samara inside passing out fortunes and giving romance advice to a customer, Zaeed’s TV blasting probably from the night before, and the signature scent of bourbon and incense that made the bottom floor the most colorful in the building. 

He stepped out the front door, and almost immediately felt something splash down his back. He turned, and as he did, more poured onto the top of his head. He quickly stepped out of the way and looked up, to the fire escape above him, dripping. It was Shepard’s floor, and he knew that she had plants sitting out on her fire escape. For a moment, he thought about letting it go, but when he saw the amount of dirt that had spread on his shirt, he knew he’d have to change again for work.

He sighed and made his way back up the steps to swap out his shirt. As he reached his floor, he heard a door open. He wiped at the dirt on his forehead as Shepard stepped out and smiled.

“Hey - oh… what happened -  _ oh _ .”

He smiled back. “I think you watered one extra plant today.”

Her eyes widened for a moment, then she rubbed the back of her neck. “Um. Sorry. Here, come on in. I’ll help you get cleaned up.”

Kaidan stepped inside her apartment. She had all the windows she could open, the warm summer breeze blowing through the place. It was so light and airy, and simple and comfortable. It felt fitting for someone like Shepard. 

She looked fresh out of bed, just a pair of sleep shorts and an oversized t-shirt on, with her hair down and curly. God, was she cute. She grabbed a wet towel from the kitchen and brought it over to the bar stool he was sitting on. She stood between his legs and he set his hands on her waist. She smiled and began to dab at the side of his head where a few specks of dirt had stuck to his skin. She frowned.

“Here, come over to the sink,” she said, dragging him by the wrist.

“What? No. It takes me forever to do my hair.”

“It’s already ruined. Kaidan, you have dirt in your hair. Get your head under the faucet.”

He groaned. “Fine.”

Kaidan reached to the collar of his shirt and pulled it over his head, a move Shepard might not have been expecting. He noted her eyes skimming over his bare skin, and it took her a moment to order him under her sink. She set her bar stool against the counter and had him sit, leaning his head back into her sink. She hovered over him, and ran warm water.

Shepard’s fingers smoothed through his curls, massaging circles into his scalp and making sure any of her mess was cleaned up. He shut his eyes and could have stayed like this for far longer. Her touch was so gentle and even though his eyes were closed, he could almost feel her drinking him in and enjoying having her hands on him. Kaidan let out a low hum as she turned off the sink and rinsed out his hair. She grabbed him a towel and helped him dry off as he sat back up.

“I could always blow dry it for you.”

He laughed. “No, I think if you blow dried it, I’d have something worse than a bad hair day.”

Shepard stood between his legs and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.  “I like your hair curly.”

“You and my mom,” he teased, pressing his forehead to hers. 

She kissed his forehead. “I guess I should water my plants poorly more often if it gets you here and to take your clothes off.”

He cupped her face. “Like I’ve said, you just have to ask.”

Her fingers trailed down his muscular arms, and she blushed. Kaidan leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers At first she let him work for it, and continued moving closer to him. She parted her lips and allowed him closer. Kaidan kissed her harder, his tongue sliding against hers, causing her to moan into his mouth. She pulled away for a moment.

“How much time do you have before work?”

“Enough,” he muttered.

Shepard pulled him from the barstool and toward her room, where she pushed him backward onto her bed. Kaidan didn’t expect to enjoy this phase of the relationship so much, because most of his relationships hardly had this phase. For most, there was little exploration, little building. With Shepard, the agreement was that there would be no sex yet. Not until they’d both discussed it and agreed it was the right thing for both of them, but there was plenty between kissing and sex that he was sure both of them had enjoyed exploring.

Shepard weaved her hands in his hair, and let him move on top of her. She wrapped her legs around his and kissed him harder. She felt his teeth dig into her bottom lip as she tightened her grip on his body. Kaidan guided his hands up her t-shirt and to the curve of her breasts, glad there wasn’t a bra to fight with. She gasped as his thumbs brushed over her her soft, freckled skin, tracing the curves of her body.

Shepard stopped kissing him for a minute to catch her breath, and Kaidan moved down to her jaw, kissing against her neck and throat. She gasped and shivered against him. She tilted her head back, allowing him to kiss the side of her neck, hand still resting underneath her shirt. She grinded her hips against his, and he let out a low moan and stopped kissing her for a moment. She heard him mutter an expletive under his breath and felt his breathing grow more struggled.

“Fuck, was it your plan to get me all turned on before work?”

Shepard drew her hands down to his waist, her fingers toying with the waistband of his khakis. She undid his belt and unbuttoned his pants. 

“Maybe.”

He groaned and kissed her again. “Evil.”

Shepard brushed her hands against his lower stomach, tracing the line of soft hairs into his pants. He gasped and gripped at her body harder. He felt her press herself to him, hips moving against his in a way that made him whimper her name. He glanced over at her clock and groaned. 

“I have to get going,” he muttered.

She kissed the side of his neck, teeth digging into his skin. He knew that it would leave a mark, and Best Buy’s uniform left very little to work with. Scarves weren’t allowed, and it was the end of summer, so he’d look like an idiot, but maybe if he was going to get lucky, Ashley would help him.

“Shepard, oh god,” he breathed. “You’re going to get me in trouble.”

She nodded. “Good.”

He smiled and held her tighter. “I mean… I’m going to have bite marks from a tiny ginger monster all over me.”

Her lips teased harder at his skin, and he arched his back. He gripped her hair with his free hand and leaned into her.

“Good,” she said, kissing him on the lips this time. “Because you’re all mine.”

He reached up, cupping her cheek, and nodded. He wanted to know what it was she kept locked so deep inside of her. He could come to assumptions all he wanted, but it would never really be the answer. He had to believe someone had hurt her, or betrayed her, a feeling he understood well now. But when he looked at her, her short wavy hair, abundant freckles, bright green eyes, and beautiful smile… he just didn’t know how anyone could.

He pulled her closer, and she wrapped her arms around him for a moment, before looking up.

“You okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I just... “

_ I love you, _ he thought. 

“I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

She smiled back and kissed his nose. “Me either. You know… I do have a first name.”

She brushed her hands over his bare chest and smirked.

“You don’t say?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“I know,” he said. 

“It’s Jane,” she whispered. “I know you know. I just… I don’t  _ tell  _ very many people. It takes a special privilege for me to.”

“Like… being half naked in your bed?”  he joked.

She smiled. “Something like that. You’re just… really special to me.”

“As are you.”

It would have been easier to just say it, rather than skirting around it the way he was. He didn’t know if it wasn’t the right moment, or if he himself was scared. The night Owen broke up with him, part of him swore it would take him a very long time to love again. But here he was, with the most incredible girl in the world in his arms, and he had every chance to say it. But he didn’t. Not yet.

“Jane,” he whispered, and she moved closer.

“It sounds nice when you say it,” she said, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “You should change your shirt, baby.”

He nodded. “I should.”

He sat up and smoothed his hair out, leaving Shepard resting on the bed. He leaned over and kissed her one more time, before hurrying over to his place to put on a new shirt. He walked in, and Ashley was on her way out.

“Are you  _ kidding _ me?” she asked.

Kaidan held his hands up. “I can totally explain.”

 

***

 

“Does it look any better?” Kaidan asked, as Miranda continued to dab at his neck with her foundation.

“No, not really. You’re too dark for my foundation. What did you even do?”

“It’s not as bad as it seems,” Kaidan mumbled. 

“Right. You’re just showing up at work with hickeys now,” Miranda said. “You must have some fun with your new girlfriend.”

He smiled and shrugged. “A little.”

She stepped away and glanced at the bruise, clearly in the shape of teeth and lips. She sighed and held her hands up in surrender.

“I don’t know how to help you. Maybe just wear a headset around your neck so it doesn’t draw as much attention.”

Kaidan nodded. “That’s a good idea. Thanks.”

“Don’t make a habit of this, Alenko,” she groaned, going back to her desk.

Kaidan followed her back out, and they found two women waiting on the other side of the desk. Miranda took to helping them first. The first woman was tall and curvy, dark hair curled into a bob at her chin. She had a calculating and analytical gaze to her, as if everything she saw was part of data collection. The other woman had darker skin, with freckles, and dark short hair. She had a rounder, softer face, and looked less intense and ready to examine everything.

“Hello,” the second one said in an elegant British accent. “We seem to really be having a difficult time unlocking the computer here.”

Miranda nodded and took a look at the computer. It didn’t take her long to run the best diagnostic test she could on a locked laptop, and she sighed several times in frustration. Kaidan watched out of the corner of his eye, and ran through possible solutions in his head. Miranda hated when anyone interrupted her, but he was about ready to when he sensed her close to giving up.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but the easiest way may really be to wipe the computer and start the system over from scratch. I’m not sure how you got such a heavy lock on this security. It’s not… typical for laptops.”

Kaidan wheeled himself over, and nudged Miranda. “Can I take a look?”

Kaidan set the laptop in front of himself, and examined the screen. Miranda was right. This wasn’t usual laptop security. It was something else, and part of him suspected that it was a test. Kaidan punched in numbers, and opened up backup systems, something probably not typical protocol. But if it allowed these ladies access to their laptop again, it was worth a try.

He looked up, and the two of them were exchanging glances. “Miranda’s right. This was done with someone with extremely impressive tech and encryption skills.”

The second woman swallowed. “Can you get into the computer?”

Kaidan waited another second, and entered override commands to the system. The computer opened to the main desktop, and he turned it around. The two women frowned.

“Seems like our systems need an extra security measure.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“I’m Dr. Brynn Cole, and this is my colleague and chief engineer, Edi. We’re part of Crucible, a software development company. We’re looking to create a software system that can compete against leading operating systems. Though, our encryption is suffering a bit.”

Kaidan shrugged. “It truthfully wasn’t that complicated. I’d advise making sure that the passwords and keys are longer and stronger.”

“Clearly,” Brynn said.

“It was pretty solid. Though, if you want to compete against big names, you have to have that so tight that the government would need your permission to break it open. But you two seem smart enough, and like you could fix this with no problems.”

“Yeah,” Miranda said, “Kaidan’s just a nerd.”

Edi stepped forward, hands crossed in front of her. “Do you happen to have a business card on you?”

Kaidan reached into his back pocket and pulled out his card. He passed it to Edi, and she examined it. Kaidan didn’t know what exactly they wanted, but they were interested. Miranda narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out what they were looking for.

“Thank you for all of your help,” Edi said. “We may check back in to see if any improvements can be made to our programming.”

Brynn collected their laptop and the two hurried out of the store.

“I think they’re recruiting,” Miranda said. “Be careful, they may snatch you up.”

“Hackett wouldn’t let them,” he asserted. 

“I mean, wouldn’t you want an opportunity like that, Kaidan?”

He shrugged. “I mean, yeah, a steadier income would be nice.”

“Hell yes it would. If they offer you a job, you’d be stupid not to take it,” she said.

“Whoa, whoa… no one has offered me  _ anything _ yet. I’d calm down. I’m not going anywhere.”

Miranda smiled. “Okay. Fine then.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here begins the angst! I can't wait to see reactions to this and the next chapter, so please please let me know what you think! The comments I get on this always make my week :)

Shepard woke up to frantic buzzing on Kaidan’s nightstand. He groaned and shifted below her, rubbing his eyes with the back of his palms. He reached across the bed and held the phone so he could see who was calling. She expected it to be his boss, or something.

“What does that say?” he grumbled.

Shepard looked up at the screen. “Mom.”

“Shit,” he muttered. He quickly slid the screen open and answered. “Hi, Mom.”

She didn’t make out much of what his mom was saying on the other side, but she did know that his mom was coming to town later in the day. Part of her was afraid that his mom wouldn’t like her, or that maybe his ex-boyfriend had been so superb that she had a lot to live up to. Well, she didn’t think he could be  _ that  _ great considering he’d been cheating on Kaidan.

“What?” he said, “Yeah, yeah I’m awake. Okay. That’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour or so.”

Kaidan hung up and leaned back on the pillows, shutting his eyes. Shepard moved closer, nudging herself under his arm and kissing his bare chest. 

“What is it?” she asked.

“My mom decided to leave early, so she’ll be here soon. I didn’t clean my apartment.”

Shepard smiled, and traced her fingers against his skin as he pulled a pillow on top of his face. “I can always help out. I am here after all.”

He picked the pillow up again and gave her a tired smile. She was growing used to this adult sleepover thing again, and was certainly glad their relationship had escalated to a point where she could sleep in his bed and not just on the couch. She and Kaidan had gone out to dinner the night before, a cheap takeout Thai place downtown, and then bundled up as one of the last violent thunderstorms of summer raged outside. And naturally, things had gotten just a little steamy.

“What would I do without you?”

She leaned forward, kissing him softly. “You’ll never find out.”

He smiled again, pulling her close. His body was warm, and felt like home. His arms sliding around her felt like safety and like nothing could hurt her anymore. Or, at least, her past couldn’t hurt her anymore. 

He cupped her cheek and she slid a leg between his, climbing on top of him. He held his hands at her waist, and pulled her forward into another kiss, which turned into another and another. She smoothed her hands through his dark curls and pressed her forehead to his. 

“You should get ready,” she said.

He groaned. “One more kiss.”

Shepard obliged, sliding her hand to his face and pulling him in for another kiss. He parted his lips and arched his back, bodies pressing against another. His tongue brushed against her bottom lip, and she tilted him more into her. He moaned against her mouth, and turned her over, one leg on either side of her body. Kaidan kissed down her neck, lips and tongue pressing to her freckled skin. She leaned her head back and sighed his name.

He stopped after a moment and he leaned on his arm next to her. She couldn’t help but notice that he seemed so happy when she was around. Of course, she didn’t really know what he was like when she wasn’t, but he seemed so light and content to be with her. She just hoped that wouldn’t change, because she felt exactly the same way.

Kaidan climbed off his bed and wobbled into the bathroom, knocking into the dresser. She propped herself up on an elbow and watched him in the mirror. He struggled to put his contacts in, and wash his face, before stepping into the shower.

She slid out of his room and across the hall to change and shower herself. She made sure to move as quickly as she could so she could help them clean the apartment. It wasn’t terribly messy, just disorganized. She showered, combed out her hair into a braided bun and did her makeup, sliding on a pair of leggings and a nice shirt. 

When she returned to Kaidan’s apartment, he was in the living room, organizing pillows on the couch and throwing away takeout containers on the coffee table. His hair was still wet and falling in front of his face, and his reddened eyes were covered by black-rimmed, square glasses.

“Did you poke yourself in the eye?” she asked.

Kaidan shook his head and frowned. “No, I got shampoo in my eye.”

She stepped closer to him and cupped his face. She leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. “It’s okay. You’re still cute. What do you need me to do?”

“Make sure the kitchen is in one piece.”

Shepard nodded and headed to the kitchen. She wiped down the counter, and put away whatever dishes were left drying in the rack. 

“Where’s Ashley?”

“Sleeping,” he said. “Figured I’d just let her sleep in.”

“How nice of you. Sucks for us.”

He nodded. “I know, I know.”

It took them a few more minutes to square away the apartment, and for Kaidan to get rid of all the excess cat hair on the couch, only for Oleg to sit back down in his usual spot on top of the couch. Shepard came over to the large cat and stroked his head. The cat purred and rolled over, exposing more fluff to rub.

Kaidan looked up from dusting the TV stand and smiled. “He likes you.”

“Good. I like him too,” she said. Oleg meowed at her, “Yeah, I do, buddy.”

Kaidan noticed her moment of hesitation and apprehension, and set down the rag he’d been dusting with. “You okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“You’re nervous to meet my mom?”

She shrugged. “I guess a little. I think it’s normal.”

He slid his hands around her waist and kissed her forehead. “Baby, there’s nothing to worry about. She’ll love you. Trust me.”

“I know. I just… what if I’m not what she wants for you?”

Kaidan sighed. “She wants what’s best for me. And that’s you.”

Shepard nodded. “Okay.”

“Don’t worry. I promise.”

There was a knock at the door, and Kaidan did one last skim around the room before going to the door. She heard Ash start to move in her room, and stumble out of bed. Kaidan undid the deadbolts and lock on the door and a knot grew in her stomach. She’d never been very good with meeting parents. Maybe it was because she just didn’t know how to act around parents in general anymore.

Kaidan opened the door to a very short woman, with Kaidan’s olive skin and dark hair. She didn’t see much of his face in her or the height, but the coloring was him alright. His mom squeezed him tight and kissed him over and over. He’d mentioned that he hadn’t seen his mom in a few months, after he broke up with his boyfriend. He said it had been his mom’s treat to come take care of him for a few days. Shepard hated to imagine him sad.

“Look at how nice this place looks!” she cooed. Kaidan looked up and met Shepard’s eyes with a surprised smile. “I’m willing to bet your room isn’t this neat.”

“Most of the stuff is shoved in the closet,” he said.

She smiled back at him. Kaidan glanced over to Shepard and nodded his head for her to come over. She stepped from the living room to the kitchen where they were standing and he took her hand.

“Mom,” he said, grabbing her attention from the cat, who’d hopped off the couch to see his grandmother. 

Mrs. Alenko looked up and smiled at Shepard. She seemed so warm, loving. It was suddenly so easy to figure out how Kaidan ended up so sweet and gentle, if this was his mother.

“So, you must be the girl that makes Kaidan blush and clam up whenever I ask him about you.”

Shepard smiled. “I mean, I guess so.”

She took Shepard into a tight hug. Shepard hadn’t felt anything so parental and motherly in such a long time, and she didn’t want to let go. 

“I’m Jane… well, you should probably just call me Shepard. Everyone does,” she said as she backed away.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things.”

Their moment was interrupted when Ashley’s bedroom door opened, and Ash stepped out, clad in boxers and a t-shirt, hair falling out of a messy bun and still half asleep. Ash spread her arms out wide and threw herself into Mrs. Alenko’s arms.

“Mom!” she shouted, voice cracking.

She took Ashley into a hug and patted her head. “Aha, there’s my other child who I don’t have the heart to tell doesn’t belong to me.”

 

***

 

“Mom was right. I should have brought a sweater,” Kaidan groaned as they waited outside the restaurant for dinner.

Mrs. Alenko had taken the three of them out for a nice walk around the city and to lunch. Shepard enjoyed being around the three of them, and knowing that she was part of something. It was a sense of belonging that she’d been searching for way too long. 

It was easy to feel at ease, with Kaidan holding her hand, occasionally leaning over to kiss her when they had a down moment. The summer was nearly over, and colder weather was beginning to sweep in at night. She’d loved having time with him while the weather was still warm, from going for long walks together at night. They’d been together two months now, and they were the happiest she’d been in a long time.

“C’mere, Geek Squad,” she teased, and pulled him in closer. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. He tilted her head up after and smiled.

“So, all’s going well, right?”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. I think it is.”

“My mom’s a smart lady. Though, I’d argue that anyone who doesn’t just adore you is pretty stupid.”

She blushed. “Well, I can certainly see where you got your charm.”

He kissed her forehead and shut his eyes. She didn’t care much who was watching their PDA outside the restaurant. She gripped at his shirt and rested her head against his chest. Sometimes it hurt her, even though it shouldn’t, how much she didn’t want to lose him.

After their nice afternoon together, Mrs. Alenko had gone back to her hotel to drop her things off and get ready for dinner. Dinner, though, was only for she and Kaidan. Shepard had panicked a little bit when she heard that. She had passed all the tests for the day, and somehow managed to stay on Mrs. Alenko’s good side.

Kaidan kissed the side of her head again and took her hands. “Shh, relax. There’s nothing to be scared of. You spent all day with her. I promise everything will be okay.”

She nodded. “I know. I just… I’m not good at parents. I’m… I don’t know.”

Kaidan shook his head. “No. You’re perfect, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

_ That’s what you think _ .

“Kaidan, there’s so many things-,” she started, but he cut her off with another kiss.

“Hey, it’s okay. I promise. Nothing you can say would change how I feel.”

Shepard tightened her grip on his hands and nodded. “Okay.”

Mrs. Alenko arrived at the restaurant just as he took Shepard in for an all too tight hug and too many kisses on top of  her head to shake her out of whatever funk was upsetting her.

“Oh, you two are too precious.”

Kaidan cleared his throat and stepped away, sliding an arm around Shepard’s back. 

They entered the restaurant and grabbed a table. Shepard felt slightly out of her element, going to a nice restaurant. She’d worn a nicer than normal dress, and Kaidan had worn a button down t-shirt and khakis. She’d gathered bits and pieces about his family, that he grew up rather wealthy. His parents owned an orchard and had a rather lucrative wine business, but after he’d gone to college, he ended up moving out and living on his own without their financial support. And she knew it hadn’t been the easiest.

They sat at a table, and Mrs. Alenko ordered a bottle of wine for the table. Shepard was beginning to feel like she’d need an entire bottle to herself.

“Oh, Kaidan, your dad says hi, and that you need to reply to his Words With Friends game.”

Kaidan set the menu down and sighed. “I don’t have any good letters!”

“Play it, Kaidan. The old man doesn’t have a whole lot to do. Amuse him a little.”

“Fine. He’s getting a two letter word after dinner.”

“So, Shepard, sweetie… where was it that you work?”

“Oh,” she said, taking a sip of her wine, hoping she wouldn’t say something stupid. “At the Alliance gym down the road. I’m a trainer there.”

“Really?” she asked, amused.

“Yeah, I do personal training for clients and teach some group classes. The rest of the time, it’s just regular floor duty, making sure people aren’t misusing equipment.”

“And you like that?”

Shepard shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I do. I’m good at it. I have a lot of friends there. It’s a nice place to be.”

Mrs. Alenko smiled. “I’m glad. Has Kaidan come by to see you at work?”

Shepard smirked and turned her head to him. “No, no he hasn’t. I’d love to give him a free training session just to see how out of shape he is.”

Kaidan set the menu down again. “Are we going to make fun of me all dinner?”

“I’m just saying, Kaidan,” his mom said. “I think she could bench press you.”

Shepard laughed. “Oh, I absolutely could. You know… throw him over my shoulder and carry him away.”

Kaidan shrugged. “Well, fine. I think I know how I’m getting home then.”

The waiter came by to take appetizer and dinner orders, and Shepard felt Kaidan reach for her hand on top of the table. On top, not under. It was something he wasn’t ashamed of showing, not in front of the people closest to him. 

And here she was, keeping so much from him. She’d known since she met him that he was going to be special. She never believed that they’d end up together, but friends seemed easier to tell your darkest secrets to. She’d told plenty to James - partly because he’d been there during her worst times - and he’d shared his with her. They loved each other, of course, but it was different. She trusted that James wouldn’t leave. Kaidan, she didn’t know.

Dinner went off without any problems. They’d discussed work, and Mrs. Alenko kept him informed about all that was happening back home, and about his family. Shepard hadn’t had a whole lot to say, and she was fine with that in a way. She didn’t want to have to answer hard questions.

It wasn’t until dessert and several glasses of wine, where Shepard knew no one there would like the conversation.

“Shepard, I’m sorry, I don’t believe you mentioned it, or maybe I’m just forgetting. Where did you say you grew up?”

She swallowed. “Around here. Not too far.”

“And do you still have family in the area?”

She shrugged. 

“Do they live some distance away?” she asked, and Shepard absolutely couldn’t fault her for it. She was so sincere, and Shepard knew it was because she was considering her family already. Kaidan warned that she’d do this sort of thing.

“Mom,” he said, “you don’t need to press her.”

“No,” Shepard asserted, “it’s… uh… it’s okay. No. They don’t. My parents… they’re not alive anymore. They died when I was sixteen. It was a car accident. It was just me that made it out.”

She didn’t look, but she saw Kaidan stiffen next to her. She wouldn’t cry and she wouldn’t look at him.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Mrs. Alenko sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

Shepard shook her head and toyed with her hair. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”

“So you have someone who took care of you after that?” She asked.

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, my family friend. I mean, I enlisted when I was of age and was in the military for a couple of years. So I’ve been sort of on my own for a bit now. He’s still around and is actually my boss, but it’s family.”

Kaidan swallowed and reached to finish his drink. She wished he’d say something, or do something, but to be fair, she understood she’d thrown him a curveball. He’d certainly not expected the evening to turn the way it had.

However, she didn’t want him to do anything if he didn’t really mean it.

He didn’t look angry, just hurt, and that was worse. She’d dealt with angry before, and all the shades of anger that came with. She knew that not telling him these things would only make him leave her. She’d waited too long to tell him and she’d have to face the consequences, whether she liked it or not.

Mrs. Alenko looked over at him, and motioned for the waiter to grab the check for them. Shepard reached over to find his hand under the table. She nudged his leg with hers, and his eyes flicked up to hers. Sad and dark, that seemed to say “why don’t you trust me to know who you are?”, and her guilt only grew stronger.

He offered her a hand, but she had to believe the comfort he was offering her was just there because she’d spilled some of her darkest memories and secrets. But little did he know, that was hardly the surface of why she was the way she was.

_ Please _ , she pleaded.  _ Please love me even though I’m broken. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun...


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here it is! I've been looking forward to this chapter since the beginning of the fic! I hope you guys like it as much as I do. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> Content warning for abuse and death. (no major character death or actual abuse, just discussed)

The walk home was the longest walk of her life, even if it only took several minutes. Kaidan didn’t speak to her, not really, and even though they held hands, she could sense maybe he was only doing it because it was the last time they’d have any physical contact with each other.

She thought of going to James’, just so someone who already knew the worst parts of her could be there for her, and she wouldn’t have to explain herself. She could just  _ be _ . She didn’t know if she could ever just be with Kaidan the same way again. 

He hadn’t said a thing, but she was already mentally saying goodbye to him. She would miss his charming, shy smile, and the intense amber color of his eyes. She’d miss the mornings they spent together, curled up in one of their beds, using his arms as a blanket, and feeling the warm kisses he’d press to the back of her neck when he thought she was still asleep. She’d miss knowing that there was someone who felt so much like home so close at all times.

She dreaded thinking of finding another place to live, but she couldn’t stand the thought of him being so close but so far at all times either. She couldn’t cope with seeing him constantly, and knowing that it was over between them because she’d betrayed his trust. She figured this was why you weren’t supposed to start dating people you couldn’t avoid after things went south.

Kaidan had said goodbye to his mom outside her hotel, and she seemed to reassure him, though of course subtly. Shepard noticed the way that she’d squeezed him tighter, and the way his mother had even offered  _ her  _ some comfort. Maybe she felt bad for bringing it up at dinner, and making things uncomfortable between them.

Shepard paused outside her door, hand lingering on the door knob. Kaidan took in a deep breath behind her and he leaned against the railing of the stairs.

“Can I come in?” he said, quietly.

Shepard had two options: she could let him in, and face the consequences of what she’d done, or she could tell him no, and know for a fact there was no chance to repair their relationship. She felt her eyes burn with tears. 

She’d finally found someone she loved so much, even if she never told him, and she didn’t know if it would hurt more to let him go now, or let him decide for himself what he wanted to do with her.  All she wanted to do was cry, and hope that it would be like when her parents were still alive. Someone would comfort her. But she learned that there wasn’t room for crying at this point. Crying showed weakness and was an act that  _ had  _ to be punished.

Shepard opened the door and let him follow her inside. She kicked off her heels and let her hair down. She’d spent so long making herself look like the kind of girlfriend any person would want their mom to meet. She wanted to make the best impression she could, but she’d never felt so ugly, so unlovable. 

_ Don’t cry, _ she urged herself.  _ Please, don’t cry. _

“Shepard, I…”

She didn’t know why hearing his voice hurt so much. It sounded sad, like he didn’t know  _ what _ he could say to someone like her. She imagined herself taking a page in his book with the other horrible exes, ones who’d cheated or lied, or hurt him in some way.

“I just… want some answers.”

She leaned against the counter and didn’t turn around. “What do you want from me, Kaidan? I’m not the perfect girl you want me to be. You caught me.”

It sounded colder than she wanted it to. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she learned that sometimes hurting someone else kept you safe yourself. She’d learned to do that much well.

She heard him swallow. “Shepard, please. I know you’re hurt but it doesn’t have to be like this. Can you just talk to me?”

“No,” she said, struggling to keep her tears back. “I don’t know how.”

She heard him sigh, and she didn’t know if he was getting emotional or not too. She couldn’t look. “I don’t understand. I thought that you trusted me, dammit. I thought that we were on solid ground. I trusted you right away. I told you right off the bat that I was coming out of a horrible breakup, but I don’t even get to know that your parents are dead? Or that you went into the military?”

She’d hoped that when she told him, he’d take her in his arms and tell her it didn’t matter. She wanted him to tell her how much he loved her and that she wasn’t broken. But he clearly wasn’t about to do that.

“What the hell do you want me to say, Kaidan?” she snapped, “Do you want me to tell you the second I meet you everything horrible that’s ever happened to me? It’s not that easy to talk about, and if you’d think about someone other than yourself right now, maybe you’d get that. There are horrible, terrible things about me that you don’t know, and I knew the second you saw them, you’d go running. Because that’s what everyone does. I’m  _ not  _ the person you think I am. I’m not perfect, and I’m not the girlfriend you deserve to have. Clearly.”

She nearly choked on a sob, and refused to turn around. She gripped the back of one of her barstools and took in a deep breath.

“Nobody’s perfect, Shepard, but I want to be on equal footing. You can’t keep things from me without there being some fallout.”

She turned around and crossed her arms. She didn’t know what caused it, but words came to her lips and she spat them out before thinking. “Hey, maybe just be thankful I’m not sleeping with someone else.”

Kaidan’s eyes watered and she knew right away she’d made a horrible mistake. What the hell had made her think it was okay to hurt him? No matter how broken and messed up she was, he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t speak, but she watched him swallow his tears and look away. She saw his bottom lip tremble, before he bit down on it to keep himself calm.

“Whatever. I’ll… I’ll talk to you later,” he said, turning for the door. His voice was weak, and she wondered if the pain he was feeling now was comparable to what she was feeling. 

She couldn’t let him leave, not like this. She didn’t know if she’d ever hear from him again, or if it would be another year full of awkward encounters in the stairwell until she could get out of her lease. She knew his absence would ruin her, especially if this was why. 

Shepard reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Kaidan…”

He quickly jerked backward and pulled himself from her grip. The motion seemed too familiar. She remembered last minute attempts to keep people… a person… trying to right her wrongs, as best as she could. She remembered regretting every try.

As if routine, a slightly broken routine, Shepard drew her hand up to the side of her face, a simple block that would keep a bruise from showing. She’d learned. Let someone hit you where your clothes will cover it, and buy the best god damn makeup a drug store could get you to cover anything that didn’t. But a blow didn’t come.

Kaidan took in a deep breath as she lowered her hand. His expression was blank and his jaw was clenched. His dark eyes surveyed, and she could almost see the gears turning in his head, piecing things together. He no longer looked angry, not one bit.

“Shepard…” he said, voice low.

“Sorry. You can go if you want. I didn’t-.”

“Why did you do that?” he pushed, unwilling to accept her silence. When she didn’t reply, he winced and bit down on his bottom lip. “Shepard.”

Her eyes filled with tears, and she knew she couldn’t continue being brave for him. She couldn’t be the person who had boasted about bench pressing him, or called him dumb and slightly offensive nerd names. She couldn’t be the girl he had chosen to be with. At the core of it, she had to believe there’d always be this part of her.

“It was almost like,” he started, “you thought I was going to hit you.”

Shepard shook her head, but tears leaked down her cheeks. She heard him breathe out, tension leaving the room. She reached for the counter, not sure if she’d be able to stand if she tried to speak. She didn’t want him to see her cry, or know that there was a part of her that was so weak and pathetic.

He swallowed hard. “Jane… did you do that because someone had before?”

At the sound of her name, more tears came. She’d never felt so stupid, so embarrassed in her life, and she’d dealt with plenty of humiliation in her time. 

“Please don’t say yes,” he continued, his own voice wavering.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped, trying not to sob.

He must have said something, but she didn’t hear him. She wrapped her arms around her body, feeling bruises that no longer existed rising to her skin, and completely believing all the words that she tried to push out of her mind for so long. She didn’t feel human anymore. She’d forgotten what it was like to believe it too.

She felt him rest his hands on her sides, steadying her. She shook her head, and pulled away from his grip.

“Please. Just go. I don’t deserve it. I’ve been keeping things from you, and lying about who I am-.”

“I don’t care,” he asserted.

“I don’t deserve it. The last time someone kept something from you-.”

“Jane!” he said, his voice cutting through her tears. His voice grew softer. “Stop. Please.”

She choked on a sob, and despite being a monster, a letdown, unworthy of even being alive, she wanted him to hold her, to slowly undo the damage in her head, make her believe that all of this wasn’t fake. That someone could love her. She slid her hands up his forearms and waited for him to push her away, but he didn’t.

Instead, he let her collapse against his chest and break into tears. He held her tightly, and cradled her head in his shoulder.

“Tell me what to do,” he whispered. “Tell me what you need me to do.”

“Please stay.”

She felt him scoop her up and carry her over to the couch, where he tugged the box of tissues closer, all with her holding onto him. She didn’t know how long she cried for, but he held her the entire time, kissing her head and rocking her in his arms. She’d never felt safer, and like maybe… just maybe he  _ could _ love her. Or that she was capable of being loved at all.

“Shh,” he whispered. “You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

She nodded, and he kissed the side of her head. She gripped at his shirt, which was now damp with her tears, but he didn’t seem to mind. She breathed in and picked her head up. Kaidan brought his thumb to her eyes and wiped away the tears on her cheeks, kissing her forehead.

“I don’t want to keep lying to you. I just don’t know where to start.”

He shrugged. “Wherever makes sense. I’m here for all of it.”

She breathed in. “I always figured that every person got one thing. One thing that was their big dark secret. The biggest and baddest thing to ever happen to them. Anything else, and no one would be able to handle you. So I never knew where that put me. I’ve racked up quite a list. My parents died in a bad car accident when I was sixteen. I was there, but somehow I made it. So when I turned eighteen, I enlisted because it seemed like the right thing for a kid who seemed to have no future to do. I was doing something.”

Kaidan brushed his thumb against the back of her wrist. “What happened?”

She shook her head. “I don’t really know. Officers said it was a freak accident, an ambush. Somehow… again, it was only me to make it out alive. A lot of people said that I have some of the best luck in the world, but I… I don’t agree.”

He didn’t press her. He waited for her to proceed, and if she needed a moment to collect her thoughts.

“Those things sucked, and they still hurt a lot,” she began, “but it wasn’t the worst. Because losing people, you grow and you accept it and do better. Losing yourself… it… it changes you and sometimes you don’t know if there is any getting better. I was with someone when I shipped out, and before, it was fine. Nothing wrong with the relationship. Healthy, but not the happiest I’d ever been with someone. It was when I came back that… things changed.”

Kaidan’s eyes were on her, and he’d slipped off his shoes to be closer to her on the couch. He was here for the long haul.

“I wish I could tell you the hits and blows were the worst part. He abused me to the point of where I didn’t feel like I even existed. I could live through my parents dying, through watching my closest friends dying, but I didn’t know if I could live through someone telling me I didn’t deserve to be alive. There were days where it just felt so bad I didn’t know  _ how _ to keep going. Because someone like me with this many skeletons in the closet doesn’t deserve better. Nobody could love someone as broken as me.”

She watched Kaidan wipe a tear from his cheek and swallow the rest of his tears. She looked down and her eyes watered.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

Kaidan looked up and shook his head. “No, no… please, don’t apologize. Come here.”

It took her a moment of hesitation, but she moved into his lap and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He pressed his forehead to hers. She could feel that he was hurting, and even though he wasn’t doing much, she could feel his urge to keep her safe. He took one of her hands and held it tightly.

“You matter, and you deserve to be alive,” he said, and she didn’t sense any hesitation in his voice, “and since I met you, I wake up every morning and know that I am so damn lucky.  And whoever you are, whatever has happened to you in the past… it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make even a little difference. Not to me.”

Her eyes burned with tears, and she leaned into him more. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and it sounded like music. “I love you so much.”

He didn’t need to say it because she knew that he meant it anyway. He was also saying that she was safe. That he’d never hurt her the way she had been in the past. That she could tell him anything, and he’d love her all the same.

“I love you too,” she replied. 

He gave a content smile, and tilted his head up to kiss her. She weaved her fingers into his dark hair and let him guide her. The kiss was long and tender, and made her hair stand on end. Slowly, she pulled away, but kept him close.

“We’re okay,” he said. “I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.”

She swallowed and leaned her head against his shoulder.  “Can you stay?”

He nodded. “Absolutely. Here, come on. You look exhausted.”

He carried her into her room, and rested her down on the bed. He kissed her forehead, and left momentarily to change for bed himself. Shepard peeled off her dress and slipped on one of his shirts, and a pair of shorts. When Kaidan returned, he was wearing a hoodie and a pair of pajama pants, and shed his contacts for his glasses. 

She gave a soft smile as he slid under her covers. “You look cute before bed.”

He smiled back. “I aim to please.”

She reached for his hand, and he moved closer, draping an arm over her. Her eyes watered again, and he pressed his hand to the side of her face. 

“I didn’t tell you all this because I was scared, you know? I didn’t expect to care so much, and I couldn’t risk losing you,” she stammered. Her words spilled out and she didn’t know how to stop them. She blinked tears away, but a few slipped down her cheeks anyway.

He kissed away her tears, and she gripped at his sweatshirt. She felt stupid for breaking down again, but he didn’t seem to mind. It was the first time she’d told someone who she really was in so long. Maybe it was okay to let things out sometimes.

“Shh,” he said, “it’s okay.”

She sniffled away her tears as he pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

“ _ Here comes the sun,”  _ he sang, low and like a whisper humming the non-lyrics, “ _ here comes the sun, and I say, it’s alright.” _

She curled up against his chest. He took her in his arms and she looked up. No one had sung her to sleep since she was a little girl, and she didn’t realize it was something she wanted to happen again until it was him.

“I thought you were embarrassed to sing,” she laughed through the remains of her tears.

He smiled back. “I happen to like my audience. Now shh… close your eyes, love.”

“ _ Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces. Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here… And I say, it’s alright.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands box of tissues*
> 
> Also, I'm looking to commission some art for this piece, so if any of you guys who are into this fic are interested, please comment and let me know!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys again for all the continued support and excitement about this fic, and especially to those who left comments. It makes my day to get feedback. There's some really exciting things to come, and I can't wait to write them :)

Kaidan woke up with Shepard still in his arms. She was sleeping peacefully, and had only woken up for brief moments throughout the night. He didn’t mind sleeping a little lighter that night if it meant making her feel safe.

He looked down at her. Red hair spread like a halo against her tan pillows, and freckled skin like a canvas he had to kiss every spot of. He was so madly in love with her that he couldn’t believe he’d never told her earlier. Maybe if he had, there wouldn’t have been any hesitation for her to tell him about her past. Regardless, it didn’t matter to him. Not really.

He pulled her closer to him, and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. All that mattered was that no one would ever hurt her again. He wouldn’t let it happen.

He felt Shepard shift and turn over. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and yawned. It seemed as if it took her a moment to figure out what was going on, or where she was. It wasn’t the first time they’d shared a bed or slept over at one another’s place. However, it was different now. They weren’t just hooking up, they weren’t even really “dating” anymore. They were in love.

“Morning,” he mumbled.

“Morning,” she replied, rolling into her pillow more. He laughed under his breath and ran his fingers through her hair. She stretched and turned into him. She ran her hand along the side of his face, feeling the scruff on his cheeks and jaw.

“I could get used to this,” she whispered.

He smiled back. “Me too. Do you want breakfast?”

She smirked and nodded. “Yeah. First, come here.”

She pulled him into a kiss. It was slow, and soft. Her hands wove into his curls and she pressed her body hard against his. His lips parted, inviting her in more. She ran her tongue along his bottom lip, and kissed him harder. He moaned into her mouth and slid his hands lower down her body. Shepard grinded her hips against his, and bit on his lower lip. Her body moved against his in a perfect rhythm, and he was happy to follow. 

She teased her hands below his sweatshirt, cold fingers against warm skin. He shivered and gripped at her body tighter. She drew her fingers down his stomach, toward the waistband of his pants and he tensed up. Shepard kissed the side of his neck, down toward the hollow of his throat. He gasped as her hands wandered beneath his clothing. He eased his hoodie off over his head, and she kept her hands under his t-shirt. 

She pushed the hem of his t-shirt up and kissed down his body, her lips lingering for extra moments against the lines in his hips, leading into his pants. He shivered and leaned back against the bed, gripping the sheets beneath him. 

“Shepard,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.

She removed her lips from his skin and moved back up to his lips. “Yeah?”

“Not now.”

She nodded. “Of course. Maybe I just like teasing you.”

He quirked an eyebrow and frowned. “Wow, how rude of you.”

“It works. See? Your skin’s all flushed and you’re sweating.”

“You do this a lot, you know?”

She laughed and rested her head against his chest. “Yeah.”

“It’s really rude.”

She squeezed him tighter. “You love me.”

He swallowed and nodded, bringing her closer to him. “I do.”

Her eyes softened, no longer mischievous. “I love you too.”

Kaidan’s phone buzzed on the nightstand and he reached over for it. He pulled his glasses back onto his face and read off the text message.

“Uh… my mom wants to take you and Ashley for mani-pedis.”

Shepard gasped. “Really?”

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s to make up for me being at work. Just get ready quickly. We slept really late.”

She cupped his face. “I know. It was worth it though.”

He smiled. “Yeah. It always is when I’m with you.”

Shepard kissed his nose, and then his forehead, and finally his lips. He hadn’t seen her this happy in a long time, not since the really early moments of their relationship. There was no lingering doubt or fear. They were at peace, and neither of them planned on changing that anytime soon.

“So, you still want breakfast?” he asked.

Shepard nodded, and then hesitated. “Shit, I do, but I only have bacon.”

Kaidan smiled and kissed her again. “I’m Canadian, darling. I can make something work.”

 

***

“Alright, girls, pick a color!” Mrs. Alenko said, resting a hand on each of their shoulders. Shepard looked over the display of nail polish colors in front of her. She hadn’t had a manicure in  _ years _ and she knew whoever happened to do her nails today would probably be horrified at her cuticles. She was preparing for it.

“Hmm… do I want something flashy or natural?”

Shepard looked at the two colors Ash had in her hands. One was a vibrant pink, and the other was an earthier, brown-ish orange. Shepard pointed to the orange.

“It’s almost fall. The pink would have worked a month ago.”

“True, and during the school year, they crack down on that dress code. Sometimes I think subbing summer school isn’t that bad, but then I spend one second with the kids, and they try to shoot spit balls at me, and I rethink that.”

Shepard smiled. “And I thought sexist meatheads at the gym were bad.”

“See, the difference is, you could always offer those assholes a free kickboxing session and beat the shit out of them.”

Shepard shrugged. “Huh, I never thought of that.”

“I have violent thoughts about misogyny all the time.”

Ash looked over her shoulder, where Mrs. Alenko had been taken over to get her nails done. The manicurists had grabbed Ash and Shepard and told them to do their toes first. They both climbed into the massage chairs, and leaned back. Ashley smirked.

“Good, she’s out of earshot.”

“Oh no.”

“I love the woman to death, but I’ve been wanting to talk to you all day now.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “About?”

“You know… about you and Kaidan. It’s important girl to girl stuff. You’re dating my best friend.”

Shepard nodded. “That I am.”

“And from what I have gathered, he’s  _ really  _ serious about you. His mom’s been prying me for information the whole time she’s been here.”

Shepard felt a knot in her stomach tighten.  _ Serious _ . Just how serious was Ashley talking? Because they’d literally just said they loved each other the night before. She knew it took Kaidan a hell of a long time to propose to Owen, and he didn’t seem like the type that fell quickly. Kaidan was cautious, and he had good reason. He’d been hurt, and she had to assume it wasn’t the first time. But to ask someone to marry you, and that same night find out they’re having an affair… she always respected his honesty about the situation, and even more surprising: he’d never made her feel like just the rebound. 

“Really.”

“We just haven’t seen him so happy in a long time. He deserves it. The poor guy has been through hell.”

Shepard swallowed. “Was he okay? I mean… after Owen broke up with him.”

Ash shrugged. They both dipped their feet into the bubbling water and the salon artists began to massage their legs and feet. “I guess he took it the way any normal person would. He came home that night, and I’d prepared a little celebration back at the apartment. When he came home alone, I knew something terrible had happened. I think he blamed himself, in a way. Like there was something he wasn’t giving him, something he’d done wrong.”

They both paused, before Ash continued. “But it doesn’t seem to be a problem now. He’s so crazy about you.”

Shepard looked down and smiled. “Yeah… I love him.”

Ash gasped. “Oh man, did you guys say the big L word? Kaidan’s really sappy about that shit. He likes to make it special. He’s just old fashioned like that.”

Shepard nodded. “We did. Feels good to say.”

“Man, you guys are grossly cute. He always was a good boyfriend.”

Shepard swallowed. “Oh… you guys dated?”

She didn’t mean to sound as concerned as she was, and truthfully, she  _ wasn’t _ . She had no reason to worry about Kaidan leaving her, or hooking up with other girls, especially not Ashley. But then again, she wasn’t used to people respecting her for who she was at all. In time, she was sure she’d get used to what it meant for someone to really love her.

“Yeah, it didn’t last long. Lots of yelling and annoying arguments. He was a good boyfriend, but he and I really weren’t meant to be romantically together. Not at all. Also, I always felt really mean profusely making fun of him when I still called him my boyfriend. We’re just better as friends, and it’s not even weird between us. We just laugh about it. But he takes care of people. I think that’s just part of who he is. He doesn’t half-ass much of anything, you know? If he cares, he  _ really  _ cares. He’s a sensitive soul.”

Shepard smiled. “Yeah, he is.”

Ashley lowered her voice and looked to make sure that Mrs. Alenko was engaged in conversation across the room. “He’s also excellent in bed.”

Shepard’s eyes widened. “Yeah, okay… well… maybe it’s better to tell me that when we aren’t in public, Ash.”

“I’m just saying! It’s true. Owen agreed too.”

“Ashley, shh!” 

“What? If you didn’t already know, you’d figure it out, okay?”

Ashley picked up one of the entertainment magazines, and passed Shepard one as the salon artists began to paint their toes. Shepard pursed her lips together, heat rising to her cheeks.

“Well,” she began, “that’s… good to know.”

 

***

When they returned back to the apartment, Mrs. Alenko stopped Shepard at her door. Ashley took notice and stepped inside to give them a moment. 

“Shepard, I… I wanted to talk to you for a moment.”

She swallowed. She knew that Kaidan had let her know they were both fine following dinner the night before, but she just simply didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t know what else there was to say. She knew she could never blame his mother for what had gone down, but she really, really wished that there hadn’t been a need to hash all of it out after the fact. 

“Yeah, sure… uh. Come on in.”

Shepard invited Mrs. Alenko into her apartment, which she was glad was clean. The bed was made, and the dishes were shockingly done. It still slightly smelled like the simple breakfast Kaidan had made that morning. 

“Can I get you anything?” she asked.

“No, sweetheart, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk about what happened last night, and apologize because I know I blindsided you and asked too many questions. I didn’t mean to push that on you, or on Kaidan since he clearly didn’t know.”

Shepard found it difficult to make eye contact. “It’s fine. Really, we worked everything out, but thank you. It… in a way it was good. I could have gone on quite some time keeping him in the dark and that’s not fair to Kaidan. He’s been honest with me. I just didn’t know how much he could handle.”

She smiled. “He’s a tough one. I think it takes a lot to scare him away. I think he was just scared he was going to lose you somehow. Just as scared as maybe you were. Can’t say I blame him…”

Shepard had never thought of it that way, that maybe Kaidan really was just as scared of losing her as she was of losing him. Maybe he worried one step would lead her into someone else’s arms. It could have been why he was patient and cooperative, because he’d seen how little it took for someone to run in another direction. She thought of him controlling everything he did to be a person she’d want, and in a way, it broke her heart. She knew from now on, maybe she’d be making it clearer that he was who she wanted, without the trying. He didn’t have to try and be perfect for her. He already was.

“Did… did you like Owen?”

Mrs. Alenko looked up, and after a moment, nodded. “Very much so. They were good together. Laid back where Kaidan was uptight, and particular in the ways Kaidan was simple. I think they really loved each other for a while. Maybe in a way I won’t forgive him for what he did, but it eases my mind to know Kaidan’s happy again.”

“I keep hearing that.”

“It’s true. I can see it when he looks at you. There’s a peace that I haven’t seen in a very long time. Thank you. Take care of him, okay?”

Shepard nodded and smiled. “I will. Make sure he does his laundry, and that he cleans his room.”

Mrs. Alenko stepped closer and rested her hands on Shepard’s shoulders with a smile. “Yes, and eats his vegetables. If he keeps eating steak constantly, he’s going to get heart disease.”

She pulled Shepard into a hug, which she gladly took. It felt just a little bit like home.

 

***

 

Kaidan came home from work to madness in his apartment. He knew it was bad when he heard Ashley shouting. At what, he had no clue, but she was indeed screaming. 

“Get back here, you hell spawn.”

_ Oh,  _ he thought,  _ my cat. _

At the same time he reached the top of the stairs, Shepard opened her door, and stepped into the hallway.

“Why the fuck is she screaming?” Shepard asked.

“If I had to guess,” Kaidan replied, “probably Oleg.”

Shepard’s expression softened and she frowned. “Oh no. Come on, we have to help him.”

She reached for Kaidan’s hand and pulled him to his door. He opened it, and let the two of them enter. Inside, there were splotches of red all over the apartment, on the couch, the floor, and a giant red stain of pasta sauce on the floor in the kitchen, and Oleg, hiding under a barstool, covered in it.

“I dropped my fucking noodles, and your dumbshit cat rolled around in it!” Ashley cried.

Kaidan looked down at the kitty, who looked so deeply sad to be covered in tomato sauce, failing to lick and paw out the noodles in his fur. Oleg let out a feeble mewl and rolled onto his back. He knew what this meant, and he didn’t like it. Oleg was going to need a bath.

“Oh buddy,” Kaidan sighed, bending to the ground. He went to pet Oleg’s fur and ended up with a glob of sauce. “One second, and we’ll fix it. I promise.”

Kaidan stepped into his room and pulled his work t-shirt off and put on one he didn’t care much about. He knew it would end up wet and covered in tomato sauce. He stepped back outside, and scooped Oleg into his arms. Oleg meowed angrily and squirmed out of his grip. Kaidan grabbed again, getting a few claws in the arm, but holding the cat down enough to put him in the sink, which was thankfully empty. Shepard followed over to the kitchen. Oleg squirmed again, and meowed ferociously.

“Hey, do you want to be a ravioli forever?” Kaidan groaned.

Shepard pursed her lips together, and stepped closer. She gently massaged the top of the cat’s head, and kept doing so for a few moments, and Oleg stopped fidgeting all over the place. 

“Aw, I think he’s scared is all,” Shepard said, leaning closer to the sink. “Yeah, buddy? We’re just going to clean you up, and then you can nap and eat.”

Oleg gave a happy purr, and allowed Kaidan to reach for the hose on the sink. He doused Oleg’s gray fur down and rubbed cat shampoo into him, easing out the sauce. Shepard stayed by the side of the sink, right beside him, and continued to keep Oleg calm with lots of petting and rubbing his head. He lapped at the water coming from the faucet and actually  _ enjoyed  _ the bath, as long as she remained right there.

“Do we have to blow dry him?” Shepard asked.

“I don’t think so. I think we’ll just leave him fluffy once we brush him out.”

Kaidan leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She wrapped one arm around his back and snuggled closer to him. 

“What color did you get?” he said, nudging her head with his nose. She held up a hand and showed him the pale green color she’d had done. He smiled and kissed her again. “Matches your eyes.”

She blushed and looked away. He hadn’t thought that being  _ at home  _ with someone, doing the simplest things like giving his cat a bath, or asking each other about their days with no worries about what connotations would go with it. It had been this way with Owen, meeting up after work and hanging out, doing the simplest and dumbest shit, but loving every moment. After he and Owen broke up, he swore no one would make him feel that way ever again. And he’d been right.

This was better.

Once the remains of the sauce were gone, Kaidan reached for a towel and scooped Oleg into his arms. He pulled a brush from under the sink and sat on the couch with Oleg on his lap. Shepard joined him and did the same, keeping the cat calm. She stroked his fur as Kaidan kneaded out the knots in it. Oleg stayed calm - for once - the entire time. 

Kaidan released him from his arms, and offered the cat a few treats. Oleg hopped back up onto the couch with them, and curled up right in Shepard’s lap. Kaidan smiled, and couldn’t hold back how dorky he must have looked. 

“You know, I do want to take you out on another date,” Kaidan said.

She smiled. “Well, considering, you know… you’re my boyfriend. I think that would be okay.”

He laughed, not even sure why he was nervous. With Shepard, even the littlest things felt like they were worth savoring. The smallest kisses, the little glances he could steal while she wasn’t watching, and knowing there’d be a tomorrow with her.

“Okay,” he said.

“So, where we going?”

He shrugged. “I think somewhere outdoors. Something… nice. Maybe a picnic.”

She laughed too. “A picnic?”

He turned the same shade of red as the tomato sauce they’d washed out of Oleg’s fur. “I mean, we don’t  _ have  _ to. It might just be… nice.”

Shepard softened when she saw she’d offended him. “Oh… oh I didn’t mean to sound mean. I think it sounds nice too, actually. It’s just… unexpected. Not many people just go for picnics. I think we should.”

He smiled. “Good.”

She sighed, and scooted closer to him. Oleg hopped off her lap, giving them some room, and she pulled herself against Kaidan. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Shepard’s lips hovered against his, but didn’t kiss him. She breathed him in and shut her eyes.

“I’m so lucky,” she said.

“No, I am.”

She opened her eyes and let out a laugh. “Don’t you dare.”

“No, really. I am. I didn’t think I could ever fall for someone this way again. I didn’t think there was any chance for me to be happy with another person anymore. You proved me wrong.”

She rested her forehead against his. “Me too.”

“Good thing we found each other, huh?”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding. And she pulled him in for another kiss.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, after a ridiculously long gap for a new chapter. Vacation and finals has really put a damper on my writing time, but I personally think this one is worth waiting for! I can't wait to see what you guys think. Thanks again to all those who keep reading and reviewing! Enjoy!

Shepard looked in the mirror and surveyed her final appearance. She’d left her hair down and wavy, and kept her makeup light, with the exception of her eyeliner. She knew if they were going to go outside, she’d probably end up losing most of her makeup anyway. Though, she had to believe it counted to at least  _ start  _ a date looking nice.

Though, this time was different than many other dates they’d been on. She wasn’t nervous. Their first date, she’d been so nervous she sweated more than she cared to admit, and contemplated calling it off several times, only to have James talk her out of that. There was still the thrill of butterflies in her stomach, but it was far from bad. She’d go back to feeling at ease and content as soon as she was around Kaidan.

There was a knock at the door, and she left her bathroom mirror to grab it. She opened to Kaidan on the other side, wearing jeans and plaid, and holding a small bouquet of flowers. His dark hair was pushed out of his face and gelled as it normally was, and he had several days’ worth of scruff on his cheeks and jaw. She narrowed her eyes, suspicious.

“Flowers?”

He stepped inside. “Yeah. I realized earlier, I’ve never bought you flowers before. So… yeah. Here, flowers.”

She smiled and crossed her arms. “Are you here to bring bad news or something? Did you do something douchey?”

He faked offense and headed into her kitchen, searching for a vase, and finally finding one with the colander and vegetable steamer. He furrowed his brows, but clearly remembered very quickly that Shepard was no expert chef.

“Of course not. Like I need an excuse to bring my beautiful girlfriend flowers?” he said, filling the vase with water and dropping the flowers in. They  _ were  _ beautiful. It was a bouquet of white lilies with splashes of pink at the center. Shepard did quite like lilies. 

“I guess not. Now, come here,” she demanded, grabbing him by the collar and kissing him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him. He parted his lips and drew her in more. She pulled away and cupped his face. “Thank you for the flowers.”

“You’re welcome, baby. So, you ready to go?”

She nodded and took his hand. He grabbed the small backpack of food he’d left outside the door and they headed down the steps. Shepard had been wary of his choice of date, considering it had been humid and overcast all day. She couldn’t help but feel like it might rain at some point in the night. She just hoped it would hold out until they were back home, not trying to enjoy their picnic.

Kaidan led them into the city a few blocks over, to a local park, where he pulled a folded blanket from his backpack and set it on the ground in front of them. Shepard could have sworn she felt a drop of rain, but there was a very good chance it had fallen from a tree in the breeze, or some passerby spitting at them. It wouldn’t have been the weirdest thing to happen to them. Well, at least her.

She sat down with him, and he began to slide the food out of the bag. He’d prepared little sandwiches for them, and tiny personal salads to accompany.

“No basket?”

He shook his head. “Who  _ actually _ has picnic baskets?”

Shepard crossed her arms. “Well, I guess you’re just ill-prepared for our date.”

He frowned. “Is that a deal breaker?”

She laughed and shook her head. “Of course not.”

She slid closer to him and cupped his face. She kissed him softly and curled her fingers in his hair. He fussed for a moment that she was messing it up, but as her lips trailed lower and her teeth tugged at his bottom lip, slowly moving to his neck, he stopped complaining. 

That was until it started  _ actually  _ raining. Kaidan looked up at the sky, squinting. “Well… maybe it will stop. Probably just a passing shower.”

He was dead wrong. The rain began to fall harder, and Shepard stepped underneath a tree for some cover, while Kaidan remained on the ground, completely convinced that it would pass. 

“You’re just going to  _ leave me here? _ ” he groaned.

Shepard nodded. “You’re the dumbshit sitting in the rain!”

He continued to be pelted by rain drops. His hair began to fall out of place and his shirt was taking on water. He tried to be casual and not let her notice he was sliding the food back into the backpack.

“Kaidan… I don’t think it’s going to stop raining!”

A loud crack of thunder ripped across the sky and he jumped. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

Suddenly, the rain began coming down in buckets and another flash of lightning lit up the clouds. Shepard reached forward and grabbed Kaidan, pulling him off the ground. He grabbed the food and the blanket, pulling it over them for cover. Tucking her against him, he held the blanket over both of their heads.

“Alright, I think we have to run.”

Shepard laughed for a moment, and followed him as they both bolted back in the direction of their building. It wasn’t much use running because they were just as drenched as they’d be if they walked. Kaidan tripped in a puddle that soaked his jeans almost up to his knees, and Shepard’s shoes were squishing with water at every step. Kaidan bitched about his hair almost the entire time, how he didn’t want it to frizz and get curly.

By the time they reached the front of their building, they knew they’d have to change. However, Shepard took one moment, now that there was no salvaging their appearances. She gripped at the damp and heavy fabric of his flannel and pulled him into her. Their lips met for a slightly messy and discombobulated wet kiss. His mouth tasted its usual way, fresh and exactly her favorite flavor, often with the faint taste of coffee on his lips, but with more rain water now.

He pulled away for a moment and pressed his forehead to hers, a hand cupping the back of her head. 

“Had to get just one in, huh?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

He smiled and kissed her nose. “Okay, come on inside, baby, before you get pneumonia or something.”

“I think I’m okay,” she said.

Kaidan sighed and nudged her toward the door. “Shepard, just go inside. I’m cold.”

“What a baby.”

The two paired off at their respective apartments and changed out of their wet clothing. Shepard tossed her pants and top onto the top of her shower rod and pulled on something warm and comfortable - a pair of jogger pants and a long sleeved shirt to keep her warm. She was halfway through wringing out her hair when there was a knock at the door.

She bent over and shook out the remaining dampness, and went to let Kaidan in. He’d combed through his hair, and tried to mold it back into something sensible, and changed into sweats and a hoodie, and adorably dorky glasses haphazardly held on his face.

“Okay… well… that didn’t go according to plan.”

Shepard pulled him into a kiss and snuggled herself against his new dry clothing. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and pulled away.

“Well, we need more food. I’m afraid ours is a little soggy. Takeout?”

She nodded. “Takeout.”

She reached into the drawer in the counter where she kept her menus and pulled out an array of them. Kaidan hovered behind her, encircling her against the island as they surveyed. He voted for Indian food, and she advocated for getting an ungodly amount of buffalo wings, ultimately for them to settle on Thai.

Shepard made the call and ordered their dinner for them as Kaidan moved into the living room. She joined him and slid her hands around his waist. Thunder cracked loud and rain splashed against the windows, but in a way, Shepard liked it. It was a mess outside, and she felt bad for the poor delivery guy, but here in her apartment, a place that finally felt like home, with someone who made her feel safe, there was no place she’d rather be.

“Hey, I have an idea.”

Kaidan cupped her cheek and nodded. “What’s up?”

“We should build a blanket fort.”

He laughed under his breath and narrowed his eyes. “Here?”

“Yeah, here… we can turn the area around the TV into a fort and have our food there and watch a movie or something. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

“You know what you’re doing?”

She nodded. “Of course.”

Kaidan leaned forward and pecked her nose. “Okay. Let’s get to work then.”

Shepard dragged him into her room, where they stripped her bed down to the mattress, and tugged the mattress topper off too. They set it between the couch and the TV, setting the stage for their fort. Kaidan pulled her flat sheet over the foam topper and set the pillows against the back of the couch. Shepard pulled over a few barstools and draped additional blankets over them, securing them, and bringing a set of string lights to drape over the top. Kaidan stood up and crossed his arms.

“Really?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Now we can kill the lights and just cuddle under here.”

His expression softened, and he sighed. “Okay.”

His phone began to buzz, and he stepped out to go grab their dinner from the delivery guy. Shepard put the finishing touches on the blanket fort, and propped her laptop on the coffee table nearby in case they decided to watch a movie.

Kaidan came upstairs, and brought their takeout over to the fort. He handed her a fork and ducked under the blankets with her. He periodically reached over, trying to be sneaky to steal bites of her noodles, and she’d reciprocate. When they were finished eating, he set their takeout containers in the sink and returned, curling into their little hideaway. It didn’t take long before lips and hands began to wander. 

“You know,” she said, pulling away from a kiss.

“Uh oh,” he replied.

“You should sing to me again.”

He swallowed. “What?”

“You should sing to me again. I think you have a nice voice,” she finished off her request with a kiss. He quickly pulled away.

He shook his head. “No, I don’t just  _ sing _ . It’s not that simple.”

“You did karaoke-.”

“There was music, and I was a little drunk.”

“You sang me to sleep.”

“It was a lullaby. That’s different.”

“Come on,” she whined. “What will it take to get you to?”

Kaidan took in a deep breath and groaned. “Hang on.”

Before he could sneak out of their little fort and do whatever it was he had to do, she pulled him in for another kiss. He obliged, sliding his hand to the back of her head. Slowly, he pulled away.

“Do you want a song or not?”

She smiled and gave him a kiss on the nose. “Okay, knock yourself out.”

Kaidan stood up and ducked out of the fort. Shepard smiled to herself, proud of her accomplishment. Kaidan came back, clutching the neck of an elegant acoustic guitar. It was a gorgeous amber color, with a cutaway near the body. He sat down in front of her and set the guitar in his lap.

“Wow, I get a full show,” she teased.

He looked up, unamused. “You asked for it.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I did. If you’re so nervous to sing, why were you in a band?”

He shrugged. “I was just the guitar player. I did backup vocals. No one  _ really  _ heard me sing. I was younger and cooler, and thought maybe one day I’d work my way in as another member of Our Lady Peace.”

“What?” she giggled.

“They’re a band. From… well, Canada.”

“Of course they are.”

He smirked. “Give them a listen, before you cast them aside as singing about bacon and steak.”

Shepard wiggled closer and rested her hands on his thighs. “I think you’re the only person who’d ever sing about bacon and steak.

Kaidan smiled as she drew her lips closer to his. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, baby.”

He plucked a few strings, soft and slow at first, and she listened, waiting anxiously on each note.

_ Oh thinkin' about all our younger years, there was only you and me, we were young and wild and free... _

“Wow!” she cried, “and you made fun of  _ me  _ for picking Aerosmith! You go for Bryan Adams, god.”

Kaidan looked up, clearly not expecting to be interrupted. “Excuse you… I was singing.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

_ Now nothin' can take you away from me, we've been down that road before _

_ But that's over now, you keep me comin' back for more _

Shepard hung onto each of his words, and she remembered their night doing karaoke. They weren’t formally together then, just at the start of their relationship, but she’d felt so sure that he meant what he’d sung to her, even if he didn’t pick the song.

But now, the choice was on him. He could pick any words he wanted to sing to her, and these were his. And she had to admit, he sounded ten times better than the corny 80s hit.

_ Baby, you're all that I want, when you're lyin' here in my arms, I'm findin' it hard to believe, we're in heaven. And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven.  _

_ Oh once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around, bring you up when you're feelin' down. Yeah nothin' could change what you mean to me, oh there's lots that I could say, but just hold me now… _

He’d seen the worst parts of her, knew things about her that she kept so locked down, and he still could feel this way about her. She thought of him, mourning the loss of a relationship he thought would last forever, and of her, not knowing if any relationship could last period, and how they were here now. 

He could have kept going, and she knew there was way more of the song, but she couldn’t help herself. She pressed her lips against his, but this time, he didn’t protest. He let the tiny red pick drop from his hand and cupped her cheek. He kissed her back, harder, and tugged at her hair. She inched closer to him, and he slowly pulled away. She could still taste his smile against her lips.

“I wasn’t done.”

She nodded. “I know.”

She didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as she loved him. Kaidan leaned back and strummed a chord.

“Anyway, here’s ‘Wonderwall’.”

Shepard laughed, and hit his shoulder. He smirked and set his guitar outside their fort.

“I won’t sing that,” he said. “I don’t think I could get the weird accent right.”

Shepard smiled and climbed into his lap. He gladly welcomed her, and wrapped his arms around her. She pressed her forehead against his.

“It was beautiful. Thank you.”

He nodded wordlessly and shut his eyes. He took a moment to breathe her in before kissing her again. She guided him down to their makeshift bed, and let him slide between her legs. He kissed her harder, and she tasted his tongue against hers, feeling his hands wander down her body. She weaved her fingers through his hair and arched her back against his body. He moaned her name against her skin, which was growing hotter and more sensitive by the moment. 

Kaidan trailed his lips down her neck, and his grip at her waist tightened. Their breathing synched together, him taking in deeper breaths as she let hers out. A day or two worth of scruff brushed against her skin, eliciting a gasp, and for her to whisper his name. Heat rose to her skin as he pressed his hips harder against hers. 

“Tell me if you want to stop,” he whispered against her skin. The vibrations made her shiver and press into him more.

She shook her head. “Don’t.”

He kissed her again and pushed his hands up the bottom of her shirt, his thumbs stroking just under the waistband of her pants. Her body longed for him to touch the places he hadn’t dared before, to get to know her in a way she thought was forbidden now. He kissed the space below her ear softly, pausing, as if to ask if this was okay. She could only imagine a few things better.

Kaidan reached to the bottom of his sweatshirt. He tugged it off in one quick motion. She took a moment to gaze at his newly exposed skin. This was nothing new, but it took her by surprise every time. His body was firm and toned, with the faintest outlines of muscle in his chest and lower stomach. There would never be enough soft olive skin to drink in and kiss, and her eyes followed down the trail of dark hair into his pants.

She swallowed, letting him carefully ease off her pants. She felt herself second guessing everything, knowing that soon enough, he’d want to take her shirt off, and see the rest of her. No one had looked at her bare body in years, and those who had saw it the way she did. Flaws, scars, evidence.

“Kaidan,” she said, feeling her eyes water already.

_ God dammit, don’t cry _ , she told herself.

“Yeah, what is it?” he whispered. He pushed a strand of red hair from her face.

“I just… I don’t want you to see me and realize that this was all a mistake.”

He swallowed and reached for her hand. “It’s okay. Trust me. I can handle quite a bit.”

Shepard looked up at him. His warm, amber eyes were on her, waiting for her permission to keep going. 

“Okay.”

He let her make the first moves. She eased her shirt up her body, and he helped her free her arms. She felt naked already. No one had been exposed to these parts of her and liked what they saw before. She knew how it looked. Jagged scars across her side, violent and angry. She was marked. It was the kind of life she’d had, and it showed on her skin.

Kaidan’s fingers hesitated over the scars for a moment, and he gently traced them. It was a loving touch, one that made her feel safe, and a knot grow in her throat. He rested his lips against the top of her scars, and softly kissed along them. Their bodies came together once more, an easy push and pull as they tangled themselves in the sheets with their kisses, heated and hungry. Kaidan pressed his hips against hers, and she could feel the growing desire between both of them to bring this further. 

“Kaidan, wait...”

He pulled his lips off of hers and hovered above her with his eyes still closed. “Shit, sorry. We can sto-.”

“No,” she said. “Not that. I… I don’t want you to stop tonight.”

“Oh… oh!” he said, sitting up slightly. “Right. You mean you want to have sex?”

She nodded. “Yes, but only if you want to.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I think that would be great.”

She smiled. “Well, good.”

He furrowed his brows for a moment, troubled. “Oh… wait. My condoms are back at my place.”

“What? You mean you don’t keep one in your wallet?”

“No? Um…. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. If you’re going back to your place, put your shirt back on. Ashley won’t let you off the hook.”

He reached for his sweatshirt and pulled it back over his head. 

“Uh, yeah.”

He slid himself out of the blanket fort and quickly scurried across the hall. She leaned back on the mattress topper and shut her eyes. She knew that she was making a good choice, that she wasn’t going to regret it. She was positive that Kaidan was someone who would treat her right, who wouldn’t hurt her. However, it was taking him a long ass time to do whatever he was doing. She had her suspicions, but this was not the best time to delay.

The door opened again, and he locked the deadbolt behind him. He slipped back into their fort, then shed his sweatshirt again and sighed.

“What the hell took so long?” she asked.

He rolled his eyes. “Ashley cornered me.”

“God,” she laughed.

“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s just us now.”

He leaned forward and kissed her again, softly as if they were starting all over. He pressed his body against hers, and she leaned her head back as his kisses trailed lower. Kaidan drew his hands to her back, holding her close to him, and feeling for the clasp of her bra. She felt the quick release, and she helped him slide it down her arms and toss it to the side. They eased each other’s clothes off, slowly, haphazardly throwing them wherever. It didn’t matter where they landed.

She opened her eyes. She was expecting to feel more exposed, more vulnerable, knowing that his eyes were learning every inch of her naked body, but she didn’t. She knew she was doing the same to him, eyes following the curves and lines of his figure. Though, she’d never felt this safe, this sure she knew what she wanted.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

“And so are you.”

She reached up and carefully slid his glasses off his face, folded them, and rested them on the coffee table. Kaidan rested his lips at the center of her chest, hands cupping her breasts. His thumbs traced the curves of her body, smoothing over freckled skin, as he kissed lower and lower. Heat rose to her skin as his lips reached between her thighs. At first, he teased, kissing everywhere except where she wanted it most.

She leaned her head back, breathing heavily, full of anticipation. She felt his scruff coated cheeks draw closer and closer until finally, he found her center. She gasped and reached for his hair. She weaved her fingers between dark curls and her legs tightened around his body. He played her like he’d played his guitar, softly, gently, hypnotizing. She shut her eyes, focusing on every detail of the moment. His tongue slid against her and she moaned, pulling at his hair. She guided him just slightly, letting him know he was well on the right track.

“Oh god.  _ Fuck _ ,” she gasped, her voice cracking near the end.

Kaidan held her down as she began to squirm and her body drew closer to a tipping point. She was so happy that there was no one else to share the apartment with because she was absolutely positive that they’d be hearing things she did  _ not  _ want them to hear. A fire started in her stomach, and spread all across her body. She felt numb, light, and she couldn’t think anything other than that if he stopped touching her, she might explode.

“Holy shit,” she breathed, and must have repeated it at least twice more. “God, do you want me to-?” 

“No,” he said, clearly sounding pleased. “Listening to you was  _ more  _ than enough.”

He leaned down to kiss her. Their bodies connected again and he held her tightly. His kisses were hungry and desperate, leaving them both gasping for air between them. Kaidan reached to the coffee table, and broke away from their kiss for just a moment to tear the casing open with his teeth. Shepard helped him ease the condom over himself and pulled him into another kiss.

“You’re sure?” he asked.

She nodded. “Absolutely.”

He gave her a tender smile. “I love you.”

She smiled back, biting down on her lip. “I love you too, Geek Squad.”

He kissed her again, soft and gentle, and slipped his knee between her legs. He situated himself at her entrance, and a chill sprung to her skin. She felt him slip inside of her, in one easy motion, and both of them cried out. Kaidan gripped her hair, rocking himself against her, and with each push and pull of their bodies, she dug her nails into his back harder.

They moved like music, melodies and harmonies ebbing and flowing against one another. He pushed where she pulled, and everything fit together all too perfectly. Shepard wrapped her legs around his waist, guiding his movements, allowing him to move faster, deeper, more intense. She took in the hot skin coming together, the sounds of both of them going wild.

Kaidan pressed his forehead against hers, and let out a long, sensual whimper, holding her hair tighter. She arched her back, pushing him into her more, and he shuddered. His other hand frantically reached for the sheets below, before finding her free hand. She could feel his hands shaking, growing closer with each kiss, and thrust, and touch to a climax.

Her moans and cries grew stronger and louder; he probably cursed more than he had in the past week combined. She moved her hands to his hair as he shifted slightly, and kept his body pressed to hers. He slid a hand to the back of her knee and pulled it up to hook around his body harder. She guided his movements, and grinded her hips against him.

“Oh my god. Jane… fuck.”

“Close?”

He gasped as her lips found a home at the base of his throat. “Yeah.”

She kissed up his neck, along his jawline, and she felt him swallow hard. His voice cracked and he whispered her name. She listened hard to him, from his struggled moans to his erratic breathing. He continued to work his hips against hers, slower now, and her body reached the same release moments later. He caught her as she came down, holding her and kissing the side of her head. 

Shepard swallowed, and he climbed off of her, resting on his back. He breathed deeply next to her and ran his fingers through his hair. His skin was flushed, and she could feel his heartbeat against their makeshift mattress. He reached over to her, and weaved his fingers between hers. He pressed his lips to the side of her head.

“You’re so perfect,” he whispered.

She kissed him back and made him stay right there for another few moments. After they’d both cleaned up, they returned to their humble blanket fort together. Shepard curled up against his chest and shut her eyes.

“I can’t believe we just fucked in a blanket fort.”

He laughed for a brief moment. “Don’t say that. It was more romantic than fucking.”

She looked up at him and laughed too. “Well, I guess you’re right about that.”

He pulled her closer and tilted her chin up. “Everything good?”

Something tugged at her. It was a shock that he’d even  _ asked _ . He was constantly astounding her at how much he cared, how much he wanted her to be happy.

“I’m good,” she replied.

“Me too.”

He kissed her forehead and snuggled her closer under the blankets. Thunder cracked loudly outside, and rain pelted the windows, but they were safe and warm in here. All was well. She smirked for a moment, and he noticed.

“What? You’re looking awfully dubious, darling.”

She laughed, leaning into his chest. “No. Nothing dubious. Ashley was just totally right.”

“Oh no.”

“She said you were great in bed.”

He groaned. “God, does she just tell everyone about my sex life?”

She shrugged. “Only bits and pieces.”

“Excellent.”

Shepard moved closer to him and kissed him once more. “I think I’m okay with our picnic going wrong.”

He nodded. “Me too. So… another picnic tomorrow night?”

She smiled. “Wow, you’re lucky you’re cute.”

“And apparently good in bed,” he added.

She hit his shoulder. “God. If you keep the ego up, no more picnics.”

He slid an arm over her and made sure the blankets were tucked around her enough. She felt him pull her closer and press a soft kiss to the back of her head. He softly whispered how much he loved her, just before she shut her eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the lovely comments on the last chapter (and all chapters, really!) I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

Shepard woke up with Kaidan still holding her, arms tightly wrapped around her, nose and lips pressed to the back of her neck. She felt his chest rising and falling against her back, and found a certain comfort in knowing he was there, and that he wasn’t going to leave. He’d been so careful, so good to her, and never once pushed her to a point of discomfort. 

Her memory of the night before was still fresh in her mind, and she was still working on processing it. Shepard didn’t know how she was supposed to handle taking their relationship physically further, especially not after her last relationship. As much as she knew she loved him, there was part of her that wondered if she’d ever be ready. But somehow, by some miracle, she didn’t wake up feeling wronged or hurt.

She knew she would never want anyone to touch her the way he had, or to hear anyone else say her name as their bodies came together. She wanted him to spend the rest of their lives kissing her canvas of freckles, and loving her the way he always had.

She turned over and glanced at him. The sun shone through the blanket fort and onto face. His dark curls spread haphazardly on the pillow below him, and he looked so calm and at peace. No furrowed brows, no anxious hesitation, just them. She couldn’t imagine waking up beside anyone else ever again.

She brushed her thumb along one of his strong cheekbones, and to the curve of his lips. She shut her eyes and remembered the way he kissed over her scars, loving things she didn’t even love about herself. It made her feel less broken, lovable for the first time in a long time. 

Kaidan rolled over and rubbed his eyes. She tilted his head in and pressed a kiss to the side of his forehead.

“Is it morning?” he grumbled. It hardly sounded like words, but Shepard could figure it out.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around him. “Yeah.”

“What time?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me.”

He turned over and cupped her cheek with his hand. “Is that so?” 

She nodded. “Yeah.”

Shepard pulled him on top of her, letting him slide his body between her legs. She craned her neck up and kissed his nose. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her forehead to his. She shut her eyes and breathed him in. 

“Hey,” he whispered, “I love you.”

“And I love you too.”

Shepard leaned in and drew him into a kiss. Her hands wandered lower down his body and held on just below his hips. She pushed her hips against his and heard him take in a deep breath. He kissed her neck, scruff brushing against her skin. She tilted her head back, allowing him more of her to kiss. His kisses grew hungrier, more desperate, and she reached to weave her fingers between his locks of hair. He moaned as she tugged at it harder. She was more than glad neither of them bothered to put their clothes back on.

Shepard guided his body, placing hints that she wanted him to keep going, and he clearly understood. She turned him over and laid him on his back, her hands brushing against his body. She felt sweat rising to the surface of his skin, and his muscles tightened as she eyed him down. Shepard reached over to the coffee table and grabbed their remaining condom. She tore open the case and carefully pulled it over him. She gently lowered herself onto him, and sleepy bodies came together with a long gasp from both of them.

She loved every bit of this. She loved knowing that she was safe with him, that she could show the darkest, exposed parts of herself and he’d kiss them and love them like no one had before. She loved knowing that she had this beautiful man to love, and hoped nothing took him away from her. She loved that he was ready to give the same love back. He felt like home.

Kaidan grabbed her wrists where they rested on his chest and dug his nails into her skin with a moan. 

“Good?” she asked, smiling.

He nodded, completely breathless. “God, yeah. Just keep going…”

His voice broke off into another long moan. She loved listening to him lose control, to see his senses overload, his voice crack, and body shiver underneath hers. He moved to hold her hips and guided her against him at a rhythm that drove him crazy. Slow, tired, and tangled in sheets, they moved their way toward a tipping point full of sleepy kisses and hard-pressed hot skin.

Kaidan took her in his arms, and his shaking hands brushed against her cheek. He swallowed and shut his eyes. “God, that was incredible. So was last night.”

She nodded and laughed. “Yeah, it was pretty damn great.”

He smiled back. “It feels different, you know? I don’t feel like anything’s different. Normally I do. It doesn’t change us.”

She pushed a lock of curly hair out of his face. “No, it doesn’t. I still love you just the same. I might just give you a little more grief than normal when you put clothes on.”

“Really now? You know, I’m a little out of shape.”

“We can fix that,” she said. “I’ll give you some free training sessions.”

Kaidan reached over and looked at his phone. He groaned and rubbed his face. “I have to go to work.”

Shepard nodded. “Me too. Afternoon aerobics.”

“Ew.”

“You should stop by. It would be entertaining.”

He smiled. “I wish I could. I’ll sadly be repairing computers and explaining that we can’t do repairs unless the product was purchased at Best Buy.”

Shepard leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his nose. “Come on, let’s get ready.”

They pulled themselves from their blanket fort, and slid clothes on. Kaidan pulled his sweats up his legs, and Shepard stole his shirt. She fumbled her way into the bathroom and brushed her teeth, before discarding her clothes and running the shower. Kaidan stepped in to brush his teeth as well, and eyed over her.

“C’mere,” he grumbled. “I have to head over to my place and shower, so I gotta go.”

Shepard furrowed her brows and stepped into her shower. It was large, and open, and more like a cut out of the bathroom with a piece of glass to separate it from the rest of the room, and a big drain in the center. It made shaving her legs hard with no tub or ledge to prop herself up on, but she couldn’t complain about the size.

“Shower with me. Save water  _ and  _ time,” she said.

He smiled. “Well, how can I argue with that.”

He slid his pants down again and quickly scanned her soap and shampoos.

“What? Is my shampoo not good enough for you?”

“Well, it will have to do.”

Shepard pulled him into the shower and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She pressed a wet kiss to his lips as he pressed his body against hers. “You’ll just smell like oranges today.”

She reached up and got his hair wet. She watched as messy curls drooped lower as his hair took on more water. She reached for her shower gel, a vanilla scented one, and squeezed some into the palm of her hand.  She rubbed it against his skin, and he held her steady so she didn’t slip. His skin filled with soapy bubbles and foam. She watched, hypnotized as the soap dripped down the lines of his body. She knew that all of this was new to them, but no part of her felt uncomfortable being completely naked and bare before him, and he didn’t seem to care either.

They looked at each other like works of art, like the broken up masterpieces at a museum, sometimes missing parts or with cracks on the surface, but still beautiful and worthy of pure admiration. She could run her eyes all over his body, from his toned chest, and the soft, dark hairs across his chest and lower stomach, to the strong muscles in his back, to his tempting hips and lower. She could  _ see  _ him and love him just for who he was, and she was happy that for once, nakedness wasn’t inherently sexual.

He finished washing off and passed her the soap, and he did the same for her, massaging the gel into her skin and pressing soft kisses where the water washed it away. He let her squirt shampoo into his hair and she gently lathered each inch of his hair. Her fingers kneaded gentle circles into his scalp and she smoothed her fingers through his wild curls. He shut his eyes as she tilted his head back to rinse. She smiled, seeing that his hair was way longer than he let on, and that he clearly spent a lot of time with hair gel each day to keep it under control.

Kaidan moved behind her and rubbed shampoo through her hair. She pressed herself against his body and tilted her head forward as he massaged the soap into her hair and toyed with the short red hairs between his fingers. His fingers brushed through the strands all the way to the bottom. She shut her eyes and let him slowly wash her hair out for her. She turned around as he finished and pressed another kiss to his lips. He kissed her softly and stroked the side of her face.

“Love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” she said back, and reached for a glob of soapy bubbles that had dripped down her stomach.

She backed away for a moment and tossed it at him. He gasped and ducked out of the way.

“I just washed your hair for you!” he cried.

“And I washed yours! We’re even.”

“Oh, not yet we’re not.”

He wrapped his arms around her and held her against him, tightly. She wiggled to break free and not knock them both down. He pressed his lips to the back of her neck and breathed her in. 

“What are you going to do now?”

“You’re lucky I have to go to work,” he said, “otherwise I think a full on bubble fight would have to ensue.”

She turned around and pressed her wet lips to his. He kissed her slowly, and she could taste his smile against her mouth.

“Rain check.”

He smiled and rested his forehead against hers. “Sure, rain check.”

 

***

 

Shepard stepped into the locker room with James and shed her jacket, tossing it into a locker. He looked her up and down, from her hair still dripping wet from the shower, to the fact that her socks didn’t match. She  _ was  _ admittedly a bit more of a mess than she was on most mornings.

“Alright, Lola, what’s up?”

She turned. “Nothing?”

“You’re a hot mess today.”

“I know. I overslept, and took too long getting ready. I was… distracted.”

James crossed his arms in front of his chest and smiled. “Distracted, huh? By a particular hunky boyfriend of yours?”

Shepard glared and smirked. “Oh please.”

“Hey, hey, I get it. Not everyone has the same restraint as I do,” he teased, sitting down on the bench behind them. Shepard paused and sat down beside him. “Wait… did you guys…?”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I mean,  _ maybe _ .”

“Oh shit, really?”

Shepard knew that there was no one better to talk about these things with than James. James, despite their differences, would never judge her, would never hold anything against her, and would listen to everything she had to say. She knew part of it was because she’d always done the same to him, but mostly because he understood in ways no one else would. She’d been there after multiple partners had dumped him the second they found out he wasn’t attracted to them - not physically at least - and when he hesitated to have sex with them, there’d been quite a few that didn’t take it well. 

She knew someone who looked like James, who carried themselves with the same undeniable charm was  _ supposed  _ to want to get as much ass as he could, and climb into bed with whoever he could. And he knew it too, but he couldn’t help it. It was just who he was, and he couldn’t change it no matter how hard he tried. And he certainly  _ did  _ try. He tended to say the word “asexual” as if it were poison.

“Yeah, last night. It was the first time.”

“Okay… are you alright with all this?”

She took in a deep breath and nodded. She was expecting the question from James. He asked it regularly when it came to relationships, and hell, if it weren’t for him, she knew she’d probably still be stuck with someone who really only wanted to see her hurting. However, last night when Kaidan asked, she hadn’t been expecting that.

“Yeah, I am. I’m happy.”

James smiled. “Good. I’m glad he treats you right.”

“He actually  _ asked  _ me if I was okay after the fact. He waited for me to say that it was okay before doing anything, and he didn’t… well, he didn’t just leave once it was over. He stayed and told me this morning that it didn’t really change anything for him. It was… nice.”

“Damn, you really hit the jackpot, Lola. Do you know how rare it is to find someone who is willing to get that kind of thing?”

Shepard felt a knot grow in her stomach. Of course, James was happy for her and he was glad she was okay, but she knew he was no longer talking about her. He was talking about himself.

“James…”

“I’m just saying.”

She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. She couldn’t blame him for being just a little bit jealous. He’d gone years without anyone wanting a long term relationship with him, even though a long term relationship was what he needed. He’d told her time and time again no one had really given him the chance to figure out his feelings. Maybe he’d develop an attraction to someone with time, but he said he couldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to wait, only to get the disappointment that it still wasn’t going to work.

“There’s going to be someone out there who listens to you, and who cares. There will be. Anyone else isn’t worth the time because they don’t  _ actually  _ care, and you don’t deserve that. But what matters is knowing you’re valid, and that however you feel matters. No one can take that away from you.”

Shepard swallowed, now realizing what it was she’d said. They were words he’d said to her time and time again, but she never believed. And she had to guess that if she was saying them now, maybe she believed them for herself.

James took her in his arms and nearly smothered her in his muscles. Her cheek pressed hard against his muscled torso and she patted his back, trying to let him know she couldn’t breathe. James let go just a bit and rested his head on top of hers.

“I was thinking,” she said, “movie and absurd amount of buffalo wings at my place tonight?”

James let go of her all the way now. “I think that sounds excellent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand in the next chapter we get to meet a character we've heard ~plenty~ about ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading and for all the great comments on the last chapter! I hope you like this one as well. I've been eager to write it for some time now :) As always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

Kaidan woke up to his phone buzzing on his nightstand. Shepard was up and getting ready around the room and in the bathroom. She’d stayed in bed with him as long as she could, allowing him a few extra minutes of cuddling before he fell back asleep for a bit. 

He reached around his nightstand, failing to find the phone or his glasses and grumbled. Giving up, he pulled his pillow over his head and groaned.

“Who is it?” he asked.

Shepard moved over to the phone and paused. “I don’t know. It’s not a number in your phone.”

Kaidan sat up and rubbed his eyes. He reached for his glasses and pushed them onto his face, nearly poking himself in the eye. He opened the message and his entire body tensed up.

 

_ Hey, I know it’s been a while, and you probably deleted my number, but I’ve been thinking that maybe we need to talk, and I’d like to treat you to lunch if you’re around a bit later today. Let me know -O _

 

Six months ago, this would have been earth-shattering. It would have made his life. He would have gone in a heartbeat, and begged Owen to take him back. If he’d proposed they try to work things out, he wouldn't have had a single doubt. Anything for the pain to go away.

He watched as Shepard fixed her hair in the mirror and slid on a pair of gym shorts. He savored the remaining freckles on her legs and her lower back, and how much he loved the way she looked when heading to work. He loved how natural she seemed in just a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, with a bare minimal amount of makeup.

She turned around, noting that he seemed distressed by something. “What happened? Who was it?”

He paused a moment. “Owen.”

“Like… Owen Owen? Ex-boyfriend Owen?”

He nodded. “That’s the one.”

“What does he want?”

Kaidan shrugged. “Just to go out to lunch. I… I don’t know what to tell him.”

“You could always just ignore him.”

“I could.”

“But I can tell you don’t want to,” she said, sitting on the edge of his bed.

He swallowed. “No. I don’t, but I should. I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, not now that I’m with you. I spent months waiting for something like this. I’d hope every morning I’d wake up to a text just like this, a chance for us to get back together. For so long, I didn’t care what he’d done. I’d have taken him back in a heartbeat. But I shouldn’t want this.”

She sighed. “Kaidan, it’s okay. You’re allowed to want closure, or to see someone who you shared such a huge part of your life with. You dated for god knows how long, and you were going to marry him. I’d question your character if there wasn’t some part of you that wanted to see him again.”

When he first told Shepard that his last relationship had been with a man, he sort of expected her to back away, to find it gross, to wonder why he was interested in her, or ask if it wasn’t  _ really  _ a date. He didn’t always know how a person would react to his relationship history. Some took it better than others. 

He remembered coming out to Ashley, and how he’d been a sweaty, panicked mess, and somehow just stammered out “I like boys… well, I like boys  _ too _ ” and she shrugged and told him she figured that much out. And then they went out for beers as they’d been already planning on doing before.

His dad had taken a little more time getting used to the idea. It wasn’t a bad response, just a bit of a confused one. And he understood. Maybe his dad just didn’t understand that you could be interested in both men and women. It was fair, he supposed, just in the same way Kaidan couldn’t understand being only attracted to one. But after his parents had met Owen, they’d warmed up quite a bit. When he mentioned to them that he was going to propose to his longtime boyfriend, neither his mother or father objected in the slightest.

“Besides,” she said, “it’s a free lunch.”

Kaidan smiled and invited her closer. Shepard softly pressed her lips to his forehead and he pulled her close. As much as he hated struggling with feelings, he liked knowing that she was always there to make it better, to love him regardless.

“When you put it that way,” he said.

She leaned in again and kissed his lips this time. She cupped his cheek and slowly pulled away. 

“I love you. I want you to do whatever makes you happiest. I’ll keep my phone on me all day in case you need anything, okay?”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

She kissed him one more time and headed for the door.

 

****

 

Kaidan didn’t know what he was doing here, or if this was even what he wanted. He’d made sure to look nice, put together, but not like he’d tried too much. He’d put on plenty of deodorant because he knew he was just going to sweat a gross amount the entire time. Owen had told him to meet at an outdoor cafe in the city, one they’d gone to for brunch several times. But it felt strange now, and he was hardly hungry.

Part of him didn’t care how he looked or how he acted, because Owen didn’t matter anymore. He was over wanting him now. But at the same time, he wanted to show Owen he was better than he was with him. He wanted to show him he was happy, in love, and that he didn’t need him.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Shepard.

 

_ Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. I love you tons. <3 _

 

Kaidan smiled and typed in a quick reply to her to thank her, and let her know he loved her too. All he could think about then was that there’d be plenty of kisses and snuggles when he got home later. 

“Kaidan.”

His blood went cold, and he hesitated a moment before looking up. He hadn’t seen Owen since a few days after their breakup, when Owen came over to pick up the things he’d left at the apartment. He hated that moment so much because he spent the entire time wishing there was something he could do to make Owen stay. He knew he could have bumped into him at any point at work or wherever, but he never did. Maybe it was for the better. Especially months ago. He was so broken and desperate for him to take him back, and he knew it would have made Owen happy to know he’d had such an impact on someone.

“Hey,” Kaidan said, clearing his throat. 

Owen took a seat across from him. He hardly looked different. His blonde hair was longer, still perfect as usual, and was pushed out of his face effortlessly. He wore sunglasses, but Kaidan could make out his lively blue eyes from under the shades. He  _ was  _ handsome, and it was no wonder other men wanted him. He spent a lot of time thinking he was stupid for ever assuming Owen could commit to someone like him.

“Well,” he began, “it’s good to see you. You look nice.”

Kaidan didn’t reply right away. In a way, it was nice to see Owen squirm for something. It was rare that Kaidan got to hold all the cards with him.

“Thanks. You do too.”

There was a long pause between them, before Owen spoke again. “How have you been?”

Kaidan hesitated. There was part of him that wanted to gloat, to tell him he was in love with the most incredible woman he’d ever known, that he hadn’t been happier, but he swallowed his pride for a moment and nodded.

“I’ve been fine. How’s… well, what’s his name?”

Kaidan never bothered to learn the name of the man Owen was sleeping with. It wasn’t an important detail, and he knew himself. He would have spent too much time Facebook stalking and wondering what this guy had that he didn’t. He even worried if he knew, he might have tried to change who he was to be more like what Owen wanted.

Owen rubbed the back of his neck, and looked relieved when the beers Kaidan ordered for them arrived.

“Kaidan, look, I wanted to talk to you. Like,  _ talk  _ to you. It might not be pleasant but neither of us really got to work through things.”

Kaidan leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “I don’t really know what there is to work through. You cheated on me, and didn’t tell me until I asked to marry you. That was how it had to come out. It seems really cut and dry to me.”

“We broke up,” he said, biting his thumbnail. “Me and him, you know.”

“No, I don’t, but I’m not that sorry,” Kaidan replied.

Owen frowned, but it made Kaidan a little bit happy.

“I told him what happened between us and he felt horrible, and said he couldn’t continue doing that to someone.”

Kaidan slid his sunglasses up his face and narrowed his eyes. “But it never occurred to both of you while you were cheating on me? Not once?”

“Well, of course it did! I felt horrible, but-.”

“But  _ what _ ?”

Owen paused, and Kaidan knew what was coming. It was countless fights before their breakup that he hoped to remedy with their engagement. He’d arranged to start working less hours, and seek out a more stable job so they could have more of a life together. They’d move in together once Kaidan’s lease was up, and it would be just as they planned. There just wasn’t enough time, just for the two of them.

“You weren’t there. You were always working, and I get that you had student loans to pay off, and needed to pay rent and bills, but I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship anymore. I missed you-. I still miss you.”

Kaidan went numb. He wasn’t sure that he could feel anything. He couldn’t even say how long he waited to hear those words. He wanted Owen to miss him and want him back, he was willing to beg, to be whoever Owen wanted. But to hear it now, something felt just a little bit sour.

“I threw away something incredible because I was stupid,” he said, “I guess you had every reason to leave, and it’s probably my fault-.”

“It is.”

“But especially now that I don’t even have the person I risked it all for, I just… I don’t know. I miss having you around, and knowing that someone sweet and caring is always waiting home for me, and will love me no matter what. You were always so good to me, and I’d never felt like someone understood me the way you did. I was stupid to let you go.”

He paused a moment. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He didn’t want to hurt Owen, but at the same time, he definitely did. Owen had cost him so many tears, a lot of drinking, and days that felt like they lasted months. He’d made Ashley worry about him to no end, suggesting he see a therapist, to nights where she’d stay in his room with him just so he wasn’t alone. He’d made his mom take a trip to visit because Ashley didn’t believe him when he said he was okay. He’d done so much to him, but also the people around him.

He thought of Shepard for a moment, and he felt calmer already. All he had to do was think of her smile, or how peaceful she looked snuggled up in his arms, and how he didn’t want anyone else. Just her.

“Well, unfortunately for you, I’m not available. But even if I was, I can’t say I’d be tempted by your offer. Do you know how long I waited for you to say those words? Sometimes I think I’d hallucinate them, or convince myself that you really did love me before bed  _ just  _ so I could get to sleep at night. You don’t know the pain you caused me, and you never will. To think I could bank my entire life on one person, and find out that they hardly cared as much as you thought? It really fucking hurts, Owen. It still does. I don’t trust people as easily as I used to. Sometimes when people leave for the day, I wonder what they’re  _ really  _ doing. That’s going to take a lot of time to unlearn.”

Owen’s expression sank and he looked away. “Are you just saying you’re with someone to make me feel bad?”

Kaidan leaned forward on the table and shook his head. “No. If I wanted to make you feel bad, I have plenty to say there. But I won’t. Because no one deserves to feel as shitty as you made me feel. I’m sorry. I deserve more. I deserve someone who isn’t going to seek something new the second I’m out of sight.”

Owen swallowed. “So… who’s the lucky guy?”

“Lady, actually. And no, I’m the lucky one.”

Owen’s eyes widened and he took a longer sip of his beer than normal. He cleared his throat and seemed somehow perplexed.

“What? Did you say you’re dating a woman?”

Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Yes.”

“What, did I hurt you so badly that you turned straight here?”

Kaidan paused a moment, really not sure how to fathom that much stupidity in one sentence. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard this sort of thing. Owen had continually showed sides of himself that let Kaidan know maybe he shouldn’t talk about women he’d dated, or the fact that he liked them at all. He’d heard others spewing their own brands of idiocy.

_ Oh, so you’re gay this week? _

_ I wish I were you. You have so many options. Dating must be so easy. _

_ You should just make up your mind. Some of us can’t have it all. _

He could have gone on a polite tangent, explaining that he simply was attracted to men and women, and didn’t really have a preference, and that dating Owen didn’t make him gay, just like dating Shepard didn’t make him straight. But what came out was slightly less civil.

“Owen, it’s called being fucking bisexual. Jesus. You know this.”

Owen laughed. “I do, but I always thought it was just a thing you said. I mean, hell, you were about to marry a man, so I always thought you were just keeping options open.”

He really wished there was a wall he could bang his head against at the moment.

“No. That’s… not right at all?”

“Well, I hope you guys are happy,” Owen said, completely insincere.

“We are,” Kaidan replied. “Extremely happy, actually.”

Owen swallowed. “This wasn’t how I thought this lunch would go. I thought that if I came to you and said I wanted to fix things, you’d come running back. I thought you were more loyal than this. I didn’t know you could stop loving me so quickly.”

Kaidan felt those words more than any of the others he’d said today. It wasn’t because he felt bad. He didn’t love Owen anymore. Not the way he used to. He didn’t long for him or want him back. A part of him would always care, but he knew himself far better now. But what bothered him was the way Owen saw him. Blindly loyal, co-dependent, desperate.

“That’s what you think of me? You think I’d just come running back because I have no other worth than being with you? I know better than to go back to someone who hurt me. I know that you’ll just do it again, even if you say you won’t. I don’t deserve that. I deserve to be happy, and my happiness isn’t with you. I’m not the lapdog you want me to be.”

Neither of them spoke, and Kaidan slid his chair away from the table. He reached into his wallet and threw down a few bills. Owen sighed and looked away.

“I’m going to head out. Don’t worry about covering the beer.”

Kaidan turned to leave, but Owen stopped him.

“Kaidan?”

He turned around for just a moment. 

“I hope you are happy with her, and in general.”

His anger slowly faded, and he nodded. “Thanks, and same goes for you. There’s no need for either of us to hurt over this anymore.”

 

****

 

Kaidan came home later to Ashley and Shepard watching movies in the living room together. Shepard was in the kitchen with popcorn in the microwave, leaning against the counter when he walked in. She gave him a warm smile as Ashley shouted “hey, bitch” from the living room.

Kaidan slid into the kitchen with Shepard and wrapped his arms around her waist. She smiled and pulled him close, cupping his face. He pressed a long, loving kiss to her mouth and held her against his body. She drew away for a breath, and kissed him back harder, fingers curling in his hair. His heart swelled, and he squeezed her tighter.

Ashley cleared her throat and frowned at them. “Love birds, please, no fucking in the kitchen. We eat there.”

Shepard smiled and stroked the side of his face with her hand. “Wow. Some welcome”

He smiled back and rested his forehead against hers. “I missed you.”

“You okay?” she asked.

He nodded. “Better now.”

She paused a moment and nodded. “I think you should have lunch with your exes every day.”

Kaidan kissed her forehead and pulled her into a tight hug. She held on and breathed him in. After the day he had, holding her made it all worth it. As long as he had her to come home to, nothing could really be that bad.

Shepard took the popcorn and brought it over to the couch, and Kaidan joined the both of them. Shepard slipped herself under his arm and snuggled into his chest, and Ashley propped her legs up on his lap. He looked to the both of them and rested his head on top of Shepard’s.

“So, no big bad ex-boyfriend for me to beat up?” Ashley asked, snagging a handful of popcorn.

Kaidan shook his head. “No, sorry.”

“Damn,” she muttered.

“I think that if Ash and I double teamed him, he really wouldn’t know what hit him,” Shepard said, “I mean, I could probably take him alone, and to be honest, I kind of wanted to.”

Kaidan kissed the top of her head. “No, ladies, it’s fine. I left with all the cards in my hands.”

“Fuck yeah,” Ash said, at the same time Shepard said, “Good job, baby”.

“But thank you,” he added. “After all, what would I do without my girls?”

Ashley and Shepard both snuggled in closer to him.

Hours later, both of them had fallen asleep, and Ashley started to drool on his shoulder. His arm had also fallen asleep and pins and needles rose to his skin. He groaned and shifted to get some blood flowing again and Ashley whined.

“Dude, pick your head up I can’t feel my arm,” he whispered.

“Meh,” she replied, but moved away. “Fine, I’m going to bed. You were a shitty pillow anyway.”

Ashley rolled off the couch and onto the floor, and slowly picked herself up to head to sleep. She knocked into the counter on the way to her room and collapsed onto her bed.

Kaidan leaned back on the couch and Shepard followed, curling up closer to him. She was still asleep, and looked too sweet to move. Though, sleeping on the couch wasn’t the best start to a good night’s sleep. He also didn’t imagine that he was very comfortable to sleep on top of. He brushed a few strands of orange hair from her face and kissed her forehead.

He sat up and scooped her into his arms, and she shifted and groaned. He paused a moment. 

“Shh, we’re just going to go to bed.”

She nodded against his chest and curled up close to him. “Mm’okay.”

He carefully carried her into his room and set her down on the bed. He pulled the covers back and slipped her under the comforter, and removed her socks and jewelry for her. She snuggled into the covers and reached out for him. Though he was busy taking off his jeans and nice shirt, the gesture made him smile.

He crawled into bed with her and slid an arm over her. She came to for a moment and moved closer to be with him. He cupped her cheek and rested his forehead against hers.

“Jane?”

She nodded and mumbled her response. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She blushed. “I love you too.”

“I just wanted you to know.”

She opened her eyes just slightly and surveyed him for a moment. Her eyes were tender, concerned, and she wiggled just a bit closer to him. He hadn’t told her all the details of the day, how Owen had tried to make him feel terrible for choosing to date a woman, how he insinuated that it was all just a rebound because he was so hurt. 

Sometimes Kaidan worried that himself, that maybe he was so in love with Shepard because she was willing to love him back when he was broken. But all it took was a look at her - her precious freckles, sweet smile - and he knew that was the craziest thing he ever thought. He loved all of her, and would have loved her whenever she came into his life. There was no way he couldn’t. She was just  _ it.  _

“You okay?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, I am.”

She groped around in the dark for his hand and readjusted his arms around her so that he was holding her close. “Good.”

He pulled her closer and secured the blankets around them. He nestled his head against her and breathed in the sweet scent of her hair, and kissed the back of her neck one more time. He took a final look at her before shutting his eyes, and felt so settled and happy with his final thoughts of the night.

Maybe the next time he proposed to someone, they’d say yes.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for such a long gap between updates. I've started up two internships and was away for a weekend, but without further ado! Another chapter. Thank you guys to everyone who has commented and continues to make this fic so much fun to write <3

“Are you sure this isn’t weird?” Kaidan asked, taming his curls with an excessive amount of hair gel. “Bringing me to meet your sort of dad on his birthday? Isn’t it going to like… ruin his day?”

Shepard laughed and walked back into the room. Kaidan turned to her, and smiled. She’d changed into a little black dress and red pumps. Her hair was swept out of her face and makeup done naturally. He’d groaned a bit himself when she told him they’d have to dress up, but he always looked forward to a chance to see her looking that done up. 

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“Hang on a second,” she said, wobbling in her heels over to him. She smoothed out his royal blue button down, making him undo another button. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

“You look uptight,” she said, kissing the corner of his mouth. “But otherwise totally handsome. And don’t worry about it. It’s going to be nice.”

Kaidan slid his arms around her waist and pressed her body to his. She eyed him up and down, probably imagining how fun it would be to undress him later that night. He was all too okay with that. Shepard reached up and kissed him, fingers knotting in his hair. His hands moved down her body and felt along her curves to her waist.

“I love you,” she whispered.

He nodded. “I love you too.”

Kaidan hadn’t felt quite right about meeting Anderson or the rest of her gym squad for a while. He didn’t know how many of them knew her situation or about her previous relationships, and he knew if they did, there’d be such a high level of scrutiny on him. But there was no easy way to convince people that he truly meant it when he said he’d rather die than see anything hurt her.

He was entering Shepard’s world, and he had to presume this was where the people who cared about her most would also be. He felt like this was probably the closest he’d get to meeting her parents or family.

When he’d met Owen’s family, he’d sweated through his shirt before they could arrive and nearly said far too many stupid things. They were rich, just his parents and him, and Kaidan somehow felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb. He’d grown up just fine, comfortable, but it was nothing compared to the lavish life Owen lived. 

He knew Shepard might have been different, but he felt like proving he was good enough to her family was tougher than proving he was worthy to Owen’s wealthy parents. Part of him never wanted to do this, because he wanted to stay so far away from anything that could take her away from him.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked.

Kaidan reluctantly nodded. “Sure.”

She reached for her bag and his hand and pulled him in for another kiss. They made their way to the train, and boarded to head to Anderson’s. Shepard explained that for Anderson’s 50th birthday, his partner Kahlee had organized a nice night at a restaurant hall in the city. Kaidan had asked if there was a bar, and when she said yes, he was more than thrilled. It was going to take a few shots of whiskey before he was ready to meet people.

They stepped off the subway and paused outside the restaurant. Shepard stroked the back of Kaidan’s hand with her thumb and pulled him into her. She cupped his face and pressed a kiss to his nose.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

“I can tell something’s upsetting you. What’s going on?”

Kaidan sighed. “I don’t want this to go badly.”

“Oh,” she sighed, “come on, you know it won’t. Everything’s going to be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?”

He shrugged. “I just don’t want anything to happen to us. I don’t want anyone to convince you that you could do better.”

Shepard’s expression softened and she rested her head against his shoulder. “That’s not true.”

“It could be.”

She shook her head. “No. There’s no one I’d rather have with me tonight than you. There isn’t anyone else I want to call my boyfriend more than you. Always remember, baby.”

Kaidan pulled her into a deep kiss, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Her lips parted and she pressed her body to his. His hands drifted down her body and clutched her waist. She moaned softly against his mouth, and bit down on his lower lip. 

The door to the restaurant opened up, and James stepped outside.

“ _ Dios _ , you two,” he groaned.

Shepard pulled away, and wiped the bits of lipstick around Kaidan’s lips off. “Sorry, uh, we were just coming in.”

“Of course you were,” he said. “Come on in. Anderson was waiting for you two.”

Shepard held her hand out for Kaidan, and he slowly slid his fingers between hers. She gave his hand a soft squeeze and smiled up at him. Something settled in his heart, knowing how much she wanted him at her side.

James led them into the populated restaurant, with filled tables, a round of shots going at the bar. Shepard guided him over to the group of guys drinking near the bar stools. The first was a baseball-cap clad man with a thick dark beard, and who looked like he was absolutely ready to rip off his party garb. There was another man with him, with darker skin and a cropped buzz cut and bright eyes.

There was a woman behind the bar with dark skin, and black hair swept into a messy pony tail. She wore a black shirt with a tipped over chess piece and “Checkmate, Bitch” printed on it. She mixed drinks for customers and bantered, earning some well-earned tips.

“Shepard!” the second man shouted. “Glad you could join us.”

“Hi guys,” she said, nudging Kaidan closer. “I’ve got someone for you to meet.”

“Alright, alright,” the man in the hat said, “get us another round. You in, boy toy?”

Kaidan swallowed, and took a moment to realize he was talking to him. “Uh, yeah.”

The hatted man leaned over the bar to grab the bartender’s attention, and she tossed an ice cube at him.

“Come on, Sam, we’ve got to initiate the fresh meat!”

The bartender - Sam - looked up at Kaidan and gasped. “Oh my god, we do!”

She spoke with a lovely English accent, and very, very excitedly. It reminded Kaidan of Tali in some ways, especially when you got her in a room with Ashley.

“Joker, Steve, this is Kaidan… my boyfriend,” Shepard said.

The one she introduced as Steve stuck his hand out to greet him. “Nice to meet you, Kaidan. For the record, I was rooting on you to be a nice guy.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Thanks.”

“To be honest, I wasn’t,” Joker said.

Shepard smiled, deviously. “Oh Joker, if your arm wouldn’t break, you can bet I’d be punching you.”

“Hey,” he said, raising a wobbly finger. Clearly already drunk. “My arms are made of steel. It’s my legs that are made of paper. I have to compensate, you see, work the guns to make up for everything else?”

He directed the last part at Kaidan, who nervously nodded. “Yeah, I get you?”

“And this is Sam, our receptionist at the gym, but also part time bartender?” Shepard asked.

Sam shrugged. “I bartended to put myself through school, and admittedly expected something more glamorous from my twenties, but what can I say? You Alliance types are all such a delight. Well, Shepard and Steve are.”

“Hey!” James cried. “I shared my sweet potato fries with you the other day, and now I just feel betrayed.”

“And James too,” Sam said begrudgingly.

“You’re only saying that because you hurt my feelings.”

“Well!” she said. “Another round, and one for Kaidan and Shepard as well this time. What’ll it be?”

“Tequila,” James said, “it’s the easiest.”

“Boring,” she groaned. “I’d suggest a Blow Job, but that could be too weird. Maybe not how we want to get to know each other.”

Kaidan shrugged. “Is it better or worse than a Buttery Nipple?”

Sam smiled. “I like this one, Shepard. Alright, I’ll surprise you. No one look.”

Sam got to work mixing drinks for them, and made sure no one watched her, which made Kaidan slightly suspicious as to what she was going to give them. Shepard slid closer to him and rested her head on his chest.

“It’s good to see you two so happy together,” Steve said. “You know, we’re just a tad protective of our girl here.”

“Well,” Kaidan said, wrapping his arm around her waist. “I’m glad. I hope it means there’s someone to keep her out of trouble when I’m away.”

“Oh please,” Shepard groaned. “You almost get your ass beat by angry kids who broke their iPods all day long.”

“That I do.”

James reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “Can you fix-?”

“No,” Kaidan replied.

“Alright, boys and Shepard. My treat. I don’t have a name for it, but I got crafty.”

“Just don’t kill us,” Joker said, “I’ll never forgive you for giving me the spill pad plus soda at Anderson’s last shebang.”

“You deserved it.”

James, Steve, and Shepard all nodded in unison. Kaidan took his shot glass and waited for everyone else. They clinked all their glasses together and threw back the bright colored shot. Maybe Kaidan wouldn’t need as many drinks as he initially thought.

 

*** 

 

“But look,” Joker said, semi-shouting at James, “what I’m saying is that the Michael Bay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie isn’t as bad as you’d think.”

“I’m still not watching it?” James argued.

“Why did  _ you  _ watch it?” Shepard asked.

They’d migrated from the bar to a small lounge area in the restaurant, and Kaidan had been letting Shepard sit on his lap for quite some time. She was light enough, but he definitely was beginning to lose feeling in one of his legs. Shepard teased her fingers at the base of his neck, playing with his curls.

“Megan Fox, duh,” Joker replied.

“Typical.”

“Come on,” Joker slurred, “you make it sound like you didn’t watch  _ Fight Club  _ solely for Brad Pitt.”

“No, Brad Pitt apparently doesn’t shower, and I can’t work with that. Plus, if I wanted to see two hours’ worth of fragile masculinity, I could find that in two hours at work and get a paycheck for it.”

Kaidan smirked and pulled her closer. “That’s my girl.”

She leaned over and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. Kaidan watched as a broad shouldered man with dark skin approached the group. He looked friendly enough, not super dressy or too casual for his own party. Shepard waved him over to where they were sitting, and then hopped up to hug him. Kaidan was thankful for the feeling returning back to his legs.

“Happy Birthday, old man,” Shepard said, dragging him closer to the chairs.

“Keep up the old man jokes and I’m going to regret inviting you,” he said.

“Psh, you’d never un-invite me. Anyway, there’s someone I need you to meet. Anderson, this is Kaidan. Kaidan, this is David. My hip pseudo-dad.”

“But not like a regular dad, a  _ cool  _ dad,” Anderson corrected.

Kaidan stood up and held out a hand for Anderson. “It’s nice to finally meet you, sir.”

Anderson raised an eyebrow. “Oh please, no need for the formalities. Cool dad, remember?”

“Right,” Kaidan said, “sorry.”

“No worries, son. Come on, grab a drink with me.”

Kaidan shot Shepard a glance, and she smiled, nudging him along. Kaidan followed Anderson toward the bar, and his palms had definitely started to sweat. He was being dragged away from the group with the closest thing he’d have to a father-in-law, and he became all too aware of all his insecurities and shortcomings.

He doubted it could be as bad as being stuck alone in a room with Owen’s father, the epitome of white bread and overpriced picket fences, for the first few months they dated. He’d never felt so insecure of himself and his background as he did around him. He knew Owen’s dad hadn’t immediately taken to him being gay, but Kaidan had gathered that his dad mostly expected Owen to bring home wealthy gay men like you saw on TV, who dressed elegantly and helped their women friends go shopping. He could tell Owen’s dad was somewhat okay with his son bringing home the archetype, and was a little more than shocked when he happened to bring home a simple, plaid wearing, mixed-race bisexual who didn’t get that you really couldn’t mix patterns on an outfit. 

He just hoped Anderson was a little more accepting of all the places Kaidan didn’t quite fit molds.

“What can I get you?” Anderson said as they reached the bar.

“Just Crown on the rocks is fine, thanks,” he replied.

Anderson ordered their drinks, getting the same for himself. Kaidan glanced back across the restaurant to where Shepard and the rest of the group were sitting. She flashed him a quick thumbs up before he turned back to Anderson, who slid his drink to him.

“So, Shepard’s taken a hot minute to finally introduce me to you,” he said. 

Kaidan smiled. “Yeah, sorry about that. She’s been trying to give me a free personal training session, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

Anderson nodded. “No, she’ll kick her ass. We had to start giving her the burly men because the old women trying to get their beach bodies ready couldn’t keep up.”

“Sounds like her.”

There was a brief pause. Kaidan took a too big sip of his whiskey. 

“You know,” Anderson started, “she’s wild about you. Hell, she talks about you like you’ve already been married for years. How much do you know about her situation?”

Kaidan swallowed. “Enough. Obviously not everything, but she’s told me what I need to know.”

Anderson paused. “Good. I never had my own kids, never thought I wanted them, and I’m not even sure I would have made a truly good father, but Jane’s the closest thing I’ve got. And she far from deserves half the shit she’s had to live through.”

“No,” Kaidan said, “she doesn’t.”

“I expected to have to have a very serious talk with the next serious partner she had, a nice and intimidating talk to let them know I’m not afraid to step in if someone tries to hurt her. God knows I didn’t do it soon enough last time. But I’m not going to do that with you.”

Kaidan looked up. “No?”

He shook his head. “Don’t think I need to. I think what’s more appropriate is to thank you.”

Kaidan paused, not sure what the appropriate response really would be to something like that. “I-.”

“Really. I watched that poor girl tell people over and over that she didn’t think she’d find love again, or even go looking for it. I knew it was because she didn’t think someone could love her with all the baggage she had. She didn’t even want to  _ try.  _ But then there’s you… I don’t know what or how you did it, but she’s head over heels in love with you. You make her feel safe. I’ve wanted that for her for so long now.”

Anderson hesitated a moment before continuing. “Few people know what Shepard's been through. I'd like to think I come pretty close. And I worry sometimes she forgets: there's a whole bunch of people who lose sleep over her getting back home. Maybe it doesn't need to be said. Maybe we're too dumb to say it.”

“Yeah.”

“She also told me what happened to you, and I’m very sorry for that.”

Kaidan shrugged. “Each day with her reminds me that it doesn’t matter much anymore.”

“I’ve always been a big believer that in the end, in some way or another, people get what they deserve, the good and the bad. But the good at least deserve a soft place to land, and if it’s what they want, someone to come home to. And it looks like you two have found that in one another.”

Kaidan had thought about it too. There were moments where he thought of a future without Shepard, and it was almost too depressing to dwell on for just a few seconds. He didn’t see himself without her, and he didn’t see an expiration date on his life with her. He’d wake up beside her each morning and pray that he wouldn’t run out of days with her. He’d also even thought of what their kids might look like, probably dark haired, freckly little monsters that were the best parts of each of them. He was happy that he could envision a happily ever after for himself again, and even happier that it included her.

“I think so too,” Kaidan said. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. And I’d never do anything to hurt her.”

“I can tell.”

Kaidan turned slightly to glance back at Shepard. She was sitting closer to James, watching him and Anderson from across the room.

“She knows we’re talking about her.”

“Oh definitely. Now, I should let you get back to her. This was a good talk, son.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “Good talk.”

 

***

 

“We’ve been here for not even five minutes and you’ve already stolen my clothes?” Kaidan teased, stepping into his room, toothbrush in mouth. She’d immediately stripped off her dress and traded it for one of his oversized hoodies. This one happened to have “CANADA” printed across the chest.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “what was that? You sounded like the garbage disposal.”

He rolled his eyes, leaned over into the sink and spat out the toothpaste. “You’re a clothing thief, that’s what.”

She smiled and wrapped the giant arms of the sweatshirt around herself. “Oh come on, it’s cute.”

He rinsed and stepped back into his bedroom. “It is cute. Come here.”

Shepard wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him softly. He held her waist and pulled her against him. She’d been waiting for that since they got home and had a moment of privacy. She wanted to know so badly what he’d talked about with Anderson, but whatever it was, it made him ten times touchier and protective of her for the night. He’d always kept her close and made sure to continually let her know how much he loved her, from verbally whispering it to her when no one was looking, to tracing tiny hearts onto the back of her hand with his thumb while they sat close together.

“Ready for bed?” he whispered.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

He guided her back to his bed and pulled the covers over her before climbing in himself. Before laying down, he stroked her cheek gently and smiled down at her.

“I’m so goddamn lucky.”

Shepard smiled. “You know what Anderson said to me tonight?”

Kaidan laid down beside her and reached for her hand. “Hmm?”

She gave his hand a soft squeeze. “Well, he seemed to quite like you. And he thought that you might make really great husband material.”

She paused a moment and laughed, and he joined in a second later, though not really sure what he was laughing at.

“Husband material. It’s a stupid phrase,” she added.

“Yeah, what exactly does that mean?” he teased, resting one hand on the base of her chin.

She shook her head. “Fuck if I know. But if I had to guess, maybe a kind heart, some dashing good looks, strange love for steak and whiskey.”

He smiled, though, she could sense some caution in his expression. 

“Do you think about our future together?” she asked.

He nodded. “Sure.”

“Have you… do you ever think about marrying me?”

Kaidan paused, and she could see him curling back into himself. She knew it was a stupid question, because they’d only been together for a couple of months. She knew it was scary to throw something like that on someone so soon, but it didn’t  _ feel  _ that stupid with their relationship. She just hoped she hadn’t upset him, or walked into something that made him uncomfortable.

He nodded slowly. 

“Would you?”

He knew she didn’t mean it as a proposal, but a super lofty idea that might have been worth trying to ask. He sighed and rolled over onto his back, still holding onto her hand.

“Shepard… I… you know that I love you. There’s nobody else I’d rather be with, and I don’t imagine a future without you. But… talking about marriage scares the ever loving shit out of me.”

She moved closer and drew a hand along the side of his face. He shut his eyes and sighed deeply. Of course it scared him. How could it not? He’d been so willing to bind himself to another person before, only for it to possibly have been the worst mistake of his life. How could he possibly be ready to do the same for someone else?

She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I know.”

“I just don’t see what difference it makes. Isn’t it enough to just be happy with the person you love?”

“It’s enough for me. You’re always more than enough for me.”

He opened his eyes, and she could see a subtle coating of tears over them. He swallowed hard and blinked away the tears. She kissed all over his face, from the top of his head, to his cheek, the corners of his mouth, and she could feel him smile below her touch.

“But,” he began, “if I had to go with my gut, I would.”

She brushed his hair out of his face. “Okay.”

He smiled softly up at her. “I’m just… not ready yet.”

She nodded. “I know. I’d wait forever for you, Geek Squad.”

“Forever is a long time. I wouldn’t keep you-.”

“It’s an expression, god.”

“I think it’s technically a hyperbole,” he added.

“Oh my god. You didn’t.”

“What?” he asked.

“You made a part of speech joke. I might go sleep in my own apartment tonight,” she said, jokingly pulling herself out of his bed. He reached out and grabbed her arm.

“No, no, no, no, stay with me. I get very lonely.”

“You have a cat.”

“Oleg is a great cuddler.”

Oleg meowed at hearing his name.

Shepard turned back to him and smiled. “Fine. No more lame jokes.”

“None?”

She climbed back into bed with him and wrapped her arms around his body. He held her close and snuggled her against his chest. 

“None.”

“What did the guy who got buried alive say?”

“Kaidan, jesus,” she groaned.

“No, he didn’t say that,” he corrected.

“Fine,” she grumbled.

“This is a very grave situation.”

She rolled away from him and covered her face with a pillow. He laughed at his own joke.

“What?” he said. “You don’t like that one?”

She looked out from under the pillow. “Well… maybe it’s sort of funny.”

He smiled back at her and tucked her close to him again. “Good.”

He brushed her hair out of her face and kissed the top of her head. He whispered that he loved her again and gently stroked his hand up and down her back. She didn’t say anything, just watched as his eyes slowly drooped and his concentration faded. His hand stopped moving, and settled, draped over her body. His chest rose and fell as he drifted to sleep and his breathing grew heavier. She studied him in such a quiet moment and pressed a final goodnight kiss to his head. She’d decided then that she wasn’t lying to him or herself. She would absolutely wait forever for him.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a big chapter for Kaidan, and a super important one for his character. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do!

 

Shepard had been pretty curious when Kaidan asked her if she owned a passport several weeks before. Part of her was hoping he’d whisk her away on some exotic vacation as a surprise or something, but now she was beginning to realize that heading to Vancouver for Canadian Thanksgiving wasn’t too shabby of a trip. A little colder than she wanted, though.

Vancouver airport was nicer than most of the other airports she’d been to, and she couldn’t complain about a weekend away with Kaidan. She’d met his mom, but she was ready to see a whole other side of him, and finally get the chance to meet his dad. She was a little concerned and not knowing what to expect from him. Kaidan had never indicated that he was someone to be afraid of. Though, she had a hard time imagining he would be. She didn’t know how an angry old man could raise a son as kind as Kaidan.

Kaidan led her through the airport to immigration, where they had to part ways since he was a Canadian citizen, but he patiently waited for her on the other side to head to baggage claim. He slid an arm around her back and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“You know,” she said, “I think the people up here  _ are  _ actually nicer than in the states.”

He shrugged. “We try,  _ eh _ ?”

Shepard rolled her eyes and shoved him. “Don’t go there, or I’m walking across the border.”

“They wouldn’t let you. They’d know you were trouble.”

She clutched his hand and followed him to retrieve their bags from the belt. Kaidan stepped forward to grab the bag, but struggled to yank it from the conveyor belt. Shepard groaned and pushed him aside, hoisting the suitcase off effortlessly. Kaidan pursed his lips together and nodded.

“Well, that was… sad.”

Shepard pinched his bicep and smirked. “Let me bring you to the gym and we’ll fix that.”

“Yeah, knowing you, I’ll be so sore I can’t walk for a week,” he teased.

She nodded. “Damn straight. Now come on, let’s go get some Tim Hortons.”

He frowned. “You tease, but you have  _ no  _ idea.”

Shepard glared up at him. “Kaidan, I think I’ve had some good coffee in my time.”

He grabbed her waist and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “But have you had Timbits?”

She smirked. “I’ve had Dunkin munchkins before.”

Before Kaidan could retort, Shepard heard his mother’s excited shriek across the baggage claim. 

“I found you guys!” she cried. 

Shepard turned, and saw his mom rushing toward them, and quickly pulled both of them into a tight hug. She kissed both of their cheeks and stood on her toes to reach them. 

“I’m so happy to have you both here,” she said. She turned to Shepard. “Are you ready to see Canada, sweetheart?”

Shepard smiled. “I have to see what Kaidan’s been raving about all this time.”

Mrs. Alenko grabbed their shared suitcase and attempted to drag it toward the exit and the car. She grunted, and Kaidan and Shepard exchanged a look, before Shepard took it from her to carry.

“What the hell is in here?”

“Kaidan’s hair gel put us over our fifty pounds.”

“Now,” he began, “you just wait!”

Mrs. Alenko looked up at him and smirked. “ _ Sweetie _ , we’ve talked about this.”

Kaidan took Shepard’s hand and rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s just get out of here and stop making fun of my hair.”

The three of them loaded into Mrs. Alenko’s car, and pulled out of the parking lot. Shepard glanced out the window as they drove through the city toward English Bay. Shepard had lived in cities all her life, but she hadn’t seen one quite like this. She couldn’t take her eyes off the glittering skyscrapers reflecting off the water around them. Kaidan reached over and took her hand, and she could tell that he was happy to have her home with him.

They pulled up to a large, open house perched right on the water. The cabin looking abode had massive windows and a wraparound deck with what she had to assume was one of the best views in the city. The grill was already lit and cooking dinner. She looked over at Kaidan.

“You live here?”

“Well,” he began, “not anymore. Only for breaks and weekends where I miss my mom’s cooking.”

“Holy  _ shit _ ,” she muttered.

Kaidan laughed and pressed a kiss to her cheek. They stepped out of the car, and Kaidan took the suitcase up the large wooden staircase to the house. Shepard could see into the lower level of the home through the windows. The house was decorated eloquently, with beautiful leather furniture and a wide fireplace that extended through the middle of the room. Attached was the kitchen, where a broad man with white hair stood at the counter, chopping vegetables.

Mrs. Alenko opened the front door and let the two of them step inside. Kaidan set the suitcase on the ground, and Shepard watched as his father crossed from behind the counter and took his son in his arms all too quickly. She remembered what Kaidan had said in the airport as they were leaving: he hadn’t seen his dad in nearly a year, and in a way, was afraid to. He didn’t say it explicitly, but it was in the way Kaidan nervously swallowed and avoided talking about it when she tried to bring it up.

She didn’t know why, but she suspected that some things were best left between Kaidan and his father. She knew little things about their relationship, that his dad had been in the military, and his mom had been a nurse where he was stationed, and that was where they met, and that when his dad was away on tour, he’d make sure to call Kaidan at least every other day if he could, always wanting to hear about school and what books he’d read lately. He’d come to as many of Kaidan’s hockey games as he could, and had always been there for Kaidan.

But for some reason, Kaidan was afraid to come home.

“I’m so happy to see you,” his dad said, low, and Shepard almost felt like she wasn’t supposed to hear it.

Kaidan’s grip tightened. “You too.”

“Well, this must be your lovely lady, huh?” his dad said, as she and Mrs. Alenko walked into the room.

Kaidan stepped away and gave a warm smile in Shepard’s direction. He held a hand out for her and she pulled her closer to them. As she got closer, she saw the distinct similarities between Kaidan and his father. They shared a very similar face: high cheekbones, deep eyes, strong jaw, though Kaidan’s hair and skin color had absolutely come from his mom.

“Yes it is. Dad, this is Shepard. Shepard… my dad.”

Mr. Alenko pulled her into a tight hug as well. She hated herself a little bit, but her first thought was whether or not Owen had gotten a hug like this. Had he been as easily accepted into the family? 

“So glad to finally meet you, dear,” he said.

She stepped away. “It’s nice to finally meet you too.”

“You know,” he added, “I didn’t know that Kaidan had a thing for red-heads.”

Kaidan had stepped over to the cutting board on the counter and grabbed a slice of chopped pepper, half shoved in his mouth already. “Maybe I just like this one a lot.”

Shepard smiled back. “I didn’t know I had a thing for Geek Squad employees.”

Mr. Alenko smirked. “What a shock that one must have been for you.”

“It was a pretty rude awakening, to be honest.”

“Well, Shepard, I hope you’re ready for some steak and hockey, because that’s what we’re thankful for in this house.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I think I could be thankful for that.”

“Good. Dinner will be ready soon,” he said. 

Kaidan stepped back around the counter and returned to her. “Here, let’s drop off our bag and freshen up a bit.”

She nodded, and definitely agreed. She smelled quite a bit like airplane - like depressurized air and sweaty cloth seats - and her makeup absolutely could have used some retouching. Kaidan led her up a picture frame lined staircase, and she made sure to stop and look at each image as they passed. Some were of Mrs. and Mrs. Alenko, clearly years ago, celebrating vacations and happy moments together. It made her ache inside just a bit, thinking of what her parents would think of her now, how much they would absolutely love the person she’d chosen to be with. She reached out and held his hand just a little tighter.

But most of the pictures were of Kaidan, at all ages, but mostly as a small child. And small he was. He was a short, stumpy little boy with curly dark hair - nothing had changed - and big innocent eyes. He was pictured in all sorts of situations, playing hockey, smiling with other family members, with face paint smeared across his cheeks. 

He opened up a door at the top of the staircase, and led her inside. His bedroom wasn’t huge, but it still looked totally lived in. The walls were decorated in movie posters, lots of old action and sci-fi movies, with a giant  _ Star Wars _ poster just above his doubled bed, pushed into the corner of the room.

She smiled. “This is precious.”

“See, I’ve always been a big nerd.”

She looked up at him and laughed. “You can say that again.”

Her fingers graced over the names engraved on hockey trophies, and science award ribbons. She stopped at his high school diploma, which was propped up behind a dresser top of trophies. 

“So… what does the M stand for?”

He looked up from unpacking his suitcase. “Hmm?”

“Kaidan M. Alenko. What is it?”

He groaned. “No, it’s weird and Ukrainian.”

“Kaidan, it can’t be that bad. I’ll tell you my middle name.”

He looked up, unamused. “I already know it’s Elizabeth.”

She crossed her arms. “Wow, that’s rude.”

“You  _ told  _ me.”

He grumbled and stood up. “Fine. It’s Maksim.”

She laughed. “That’s really not that bad. Kind of sexy, actually.”

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and stood on her toes to kiss him. She knew this weekend would likely be tame, not offering them much time to be close and touchy, not around his parents. She had to take in as many sweet moments with him as she possibly could. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and she clutched his t-shirt.

“Glad to be here?”

She smiled and rested her head on his chest. “I’m happy to be here. Though, I don’t really know what Canadian thanksgiving entails.”

He cupped her cheeks and tilted her chin up. “Steak, beer, hockey, sometimes football if my dad gets bored with the game. My parents falling asleep at eight thirty.”

Shepard smiled. “I think I can work with that.”

“You can? You can keep up with all the weird Canadian customs?”

She shrugged. “Well, it sounds just like a usual Sunday at your apartment.”

Kaidan squeezed her tight in his arms and pulled her over to his bed. It was a double bed with a heavy black comforter, kept rather neutral to the rest of the room. It was still perfectly clean, but felt like many moments frozen in time, little pieces of Kaidan’s life that she’d never been there for, but she wanted to learn. She laughed and collapsed against his chest, and snuggled up against him. She stroked his fingers through her hair and held her.

Kaidan leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips, and slid her body between his legs. She weaved her arms around his neck and pressed closer to him. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

She nodded. “And I love you too.”

Kaidan shut his eyes and she rested her forehead against his, breathing him in for a moment, and kissed him again, this time longer and harder. They heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and quickly pulled away. Kaidan’s mom appeared in the door frame. Kaidan looked up, and gave a slightly embarrassed smile.

“Uh, hi,” he said.

“Sorry for interrupting. Whenever you’re ready, Kaidan, can you make sure your dad cooks my steak the right way?”

Kaidan smiled and nodded. “Yeah, give me a second.”

“Oh no, take your time.”

“Mom!” he groaned.

“I’m just saying!” she said leaving down the hallway.

 

***

 

Kaidan looked out over the balcony, onto the bay, and took a deep breath in. He’d spent more evenings than he could remember sitting out here with his family, though a lot of the time just him and his dad, watching the sun go down and drinking beers. It had been a ritual thing when he lived at home, the easiest way to de-stress after the week.

Though, Kaidan didn’t know it then, but there were always so many words unsaid. But now, they felt like they were bubbling up and he wouldn’t be able to keep them inside this time. He’d known for some time that he would have to come home for Thanksgiving, that he’d have to face his dad at some point soon. Though he imagined, like most things, it would be easier with Shepard at his side.  And she didn’t even know his reasoning for being afraid.

“Is this well done enough for your mother?” his dad asked.

“No, it’s not well done enough until its shoe leather.”

His dad paused and scoffed. “She’s not a real Canadian.”

Kaidan smirked. “No, you’re right. She isn’t.”

He shrugged. “You got me there.”

Kaidan leaned against the balcony, and turned slightly to see Shepard and his mom inside. Shepard was helping her prepare cupcakes for dessert, and he immediately noticed how happy she looked. Shepard seemed at home, comfortable, helping around the house and being around his family. She’d bantered easily with his dad, which few other partners in the past had much luck with, and it felt like the two of them had been together for years, not just months.

Kaidan noticed just a moment later that his dad was watching too. “Your mother really likes her.”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah, she does.”

He paused and waited a moment, bracing himself for the next words his dad would say.

“Kaidan, a lot of things have changed since the last time you came home.”

“I know.”

“Hell, I thought the next time I saw you, it would be for a wedding or something.”

It was true, too. Kaidan expected the next time he returned to Vancouver to be for the same reason. He didn’t know how long his engagement to Owen would be, but by this point, they’d definitely be getting close to a date. When they’d talked about it before, Owen had shown that he didn’t like long engagements and didn’t want one for himself. And neither of them were particularly high maintenance, though he did suspect that Owen’s parents would be a bit more particular, and high end nonetheless.

“Me too,” Kaidan said. “You don’t need to say it.”

“Say what?”

“I told you so,” he said, looking up now. “I know it’s what you’re thinking. You never wanted me to marry him. Hell, you didn’t even want me to  _ be  _ with him. Must have been good news when you heard what happened.”

The last time he’d been home, he was here discussing the proposal with his parents. He told them how he planned to do it, and make sure they both supported him in his choice. His mom had wholeheartedly supported the plan, but his dad… wasn’t so easy to persuade. And even at the end of the conversation, he hadn’t still convinced him. They’d left it at “Kaidan, you’re going to do what you want anyway, just make sure it’s the right choice, dammit”.

Kaidan was sure lots of parents said the same things to their kids, probably the ones who wanted to rush into an engagement just a few months into dating, or calling their mom and dad moments before getting hitched in Vegas by someone dressed as Chewbacca. That made sense.

But Kaidan was talking about marrying a longtime partner, someone who he’d been with for two years, and he’d discussed marriage with many times. But he knew what the problem was. 

“Kaidan, I-… no. That’s not-.”

“You don’t need to explain it, dad. I already know. I’m not the kid most dads want. They want their sons to be brave, and never cry, be tough and want to get their hands dirty, and grow up to find a nice wife and have a couple of kids. I’m shy, and I don’t make friends easily. I let my feelings get to me, and I spent more time reading books than playing sports. They’re also not supposed to want to date other boys. I just… I can’t be the ideal son for anyone.”

Kaidan gripped the wood below his finger tips and took in a deep breath. His dad paused again, and Kaidan saw him swap out Kaidan’s empty beer bottle with a fresh one, grabbing one for himself as well. He told himself he wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to be upset, and he was going to try his hardest to not apologize. He didn’t need to apologize for who he was. He’d spent so long being sorry for things that weren’t wrong, but right now, he genuinely wanted to say sorry. 

“So… that’s what this is about. Sounds like you’ve been sitting on it for a long time.

Kaidan felt his eyes water, and he nodded. “I know how it all looks to someone who doesn’t get it, but it’s just who I am. I can’t change it, dad.”

He watched his dad swallow and pause. “You’re right. I didn’t want you to marry Owen. Not one bit, and I was truthfully a little angry when you said you wanted to. All it took was one look at him to know he’d throw you aside the second something new came along. I saw right through him. Sure, he’d hold your hand and tell you he loved you, but I could tell. I knew he’d hurt you eventually, and I just prayed you notice it before it actually happened.”

There was a pause. Kaidan didn’t know what to say. In fact, maybe he felt a little bit stupid for not noticing it too. Maybe he should have known when Owen would cancel dates near the end of their relationship, or keep an extra close grip on his phone, or would lie about where he was. He’d become paranoid, and started keeping secrets, and his temper would go off the handle too fast. And he was about to marry that.

“But when the phone call came that he’d broken up with you - especially like that - I nearly bought a plane ticket to come and beat the shit out of him myself. And after your mom went to see you, she came back and told me everything. She said you were quieter than normal, that you barely ate… She’s a braver person than I could ever be, because I don’t know if I could stand to see it myself. I didn’t want you to marry him, but I sure as hell didn’t want him to hurt you either. I could say ‘I told you so’, but it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t deserve what he did to you. And you don’t deserve to question yourself for any of it either.”

Kaidan swallowed. “Thanks.”

“Now, I’ll admit. I might never get you being into both men and women. But I’m old, and I’ve only ever wanted your mother for upwards of thirty years, so maybe I just don’t remember what it was like to figure out who you are. Back when I was growing up, you hardly stopped to think about it. But I don’t care who you love, or what gender or race or anything. All I care about is that they’re going to be good to you. That’s all.”

Kaidan nodded and straightened up. “Okay.”

“At the end of the day, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Not here.”

His dad rested his hand on his shoulder, and Kaidan took a deep breath and looked up.

“Thanks.”

“Of course. And Kaidan? Screw the other dads who want their kids to be stuffy accountants with a boring family who can’t just be themselves. The world doesn’t need any more of them. It needs more people like you, who just are who they are. I should have said all this a long time ago.”

Kaidan gave a weak, but appreciative smile. The two looked back down at their beers for a bit, and didn’t speak again right away. Kaidan glanced back at Shepard, still inside with his mom. They were working on frosting a fresh baked batch of cupcakes.

“What about Shepard?” Kaidan asked, finally.

“What about her?”

“You like her?”

His dad checked the last remaining steak on the grill. “Oh hell yeah. She’s a keeper, kid. Do  _ not  _ let her get away.”

Kaidan nodded. “Good. I wasn’t planning on it.”

 

****

Shepard climbed back into bed and slid under the covers with Kaidan. He was beginning to fall asleep, but stayed awake, scrolling through something on his phone. The entire day had been fine, great, even. She’d loved that she could be here for their Thanksgiving, and she felt so relaxed and at home. And there were several more days to their trip as well, and she was certainly looking forward to the rest of it.

But once they’d settled in and there were more quiet moments, she’d noticed something off about him. It happened sometimes, when Kaidan had too much time to be alone with his thoughts. He’d been quiet, and had zoned out a few times, and she could tell that something was upsetting him.

She set down the washcloth on the sink after washing her face, and stepped back into his room. He glanced up just slightly, and she rested her hand on his arm. He sighed, and let her slide closer to him on the bed.

“You okay?”

He nodded, hesitantly, and reached out to hold her hand. “I’m good.”

“You sure?”

He didn’t answer, just invited her closer to him. She curled up under the covers, and slid herself into his arms. She rested against his chest and shut her eyes. 

“I love you,” she said.

“Love you too.”

They stayed there in silence for a moment, but no one fell asleep. Kaidan moved his hand to the back of her head and gently stroked her hair. Finally, she decided she couldn’t take it anymore, and broke the silence.

“I like seeing all these little pictures and memories everywhere,” she began, “it’s sweet. All these moments I wasn’t here for, but I get to learn a bit about. Like you as a kick ass tiny hockey player.”

He rolled his eyes. “Laugh all you want, I was the best eight year old hockey goalie in the city.”

She laughed. “Oh, I’m sure.”

“Hey, now you’re just being mean.”

“I would have  _ loved  _ to come to one of your hockey games, baby. You were a cute kid. Who would have thought that a short and sort of stout little boy would turn into such a handsome man? Well, I guess it wasn’t totally unforeseen.”

She pulled herself on top of him and cupped his face. He smiled and pressed a kiss to her nose.

“I wasn’t cute. I was  _ weird _ . The other kids made fun of me all the time for not being like the other boys,” he said, “I was this weird pudgy nerdy kid.”

“Not much has changed. Except the pudgy part. Now, you’re just filled out in all the right places.”

She managed to get another smile out of him, and grabbed both of his hands to hold. “I like that it’s all still intact. It’s more than I can say for my childhood. You could probably pinpoint such specific moments to little objects in the room. Like, where you used to keep certain articles of clothing, awkwardly losing your virginity while your parents weren’t home-.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes again. Shepard looked down at him and joined him.  “What?” she giggled.

“Do you have some kind of kink I don’t know about? Wanting to sleep with me in my childhood bedroom? Am I learning about a kink here?”

Shepard laughed harder, and he reached out to pull her into his chest, so she wouldn’t wake the rest of the house with her giggling.

“Shhh, stop that,” he added, laughing himself.

“No, that would be kind of weird. Your parents would probably know.”

“Yeah,” he added, “I am so not about to do that. I’d wait until they left. I’m not that desperate. And for the record, I did not lose my virginity here. That was in college, but still sufficiently awkward enough.”

“Yeah, well… it sort of comes with the territory,” she said, curling up beside him. Kaidan was quiet, a little too quiet. She felt him swallow, and his body tense up. She moved even closer and held him just a little bit tighter.

“It was to a guy,” he said bluntly.

Shepard paused and furrowed her brows. “So?”

There was absolutely nothing shocking about hearing that. Kaidan was simply into men  _ and  _ women. She’d pretty much always known, and it didn’t actually change anything. And she was the same way. They’d both had their fair share of same gendered partners over the course of their dating history. Though, maybe that was the problem. Maybe she didn’t see why it would be such a big deal to tell her.

He swallowed again. “I never told anyone that.”

She sat up and propped herself on one elbow to look at him. Her hand drew across his chest, and he reached out to hold it. She squeezed his hand softly. 

“Not even Ashley?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No. I… It was easier to lie to everyone than be honest about it.”

She stroked the back of his palm with her thumb. “Is… was everything okay?”

He turned slightly, and he knew exactly what she meant. “Yeah, yeah… it was, fine. I’d just… I’d always dated girls in high school. Whenever I thought maybe there was a boy I had a crush on, I just blamed it on being some hormonal teenager. And I was  _ so  _ awkward that I passed most of it off on me falling for anyone who was even remotely nice to me.”

Shepard found it all too easy to imagine little Kaidan forming crushes on the random person who held the door for him one day, or let him pass by to get to his locker. He saw the sweetest little things in people.

“That’s cute, but also kind of sad,” she said.

He smirked. “You’re telling me. But, then I got to college, and… I didn’t feel right. Like there was something missing, like maybe I was lying to myself. And, well, there was this guy in one of my classes, and he was cute, and so sweet to me. One night I got dragged to this party, and he was there. We spent the whole night together, and I ended up going home with him.”

Shepard waited for him. He could take as long as he wanted. It was what he’d done for her when she came clean about her past. It was the least she could do for him. And she could sense that maybe he’d been holding all of this in for longer than could possibly be healthy. He swallowed hard.

“I woke up the next morning, and I just felt wrong. And ashamed. I’d slept with a guy, and I  _ liked  _ it. I wanted it. I didn’t know what that made me. I didn’t know if it meant that the girls I’d dated were just covering up that I was gay, or if I was just drunk and fucked up. I just… I didn’t know. So I never told anyone, and I didn’t talk to the guy again for years. I just… I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at him and think of anything other than how much I hated myself.”

Shepard closed her eyes and held him tightly. 

“I’d go to sleep every night hoping I’d wake up different. I’d hope that when it was tomorrow, I’d be normal, just like everyone else. I’d know who and what I wanted, I’d be more like other boys my age. I didn’t know.”

She sat up a bit more and rested her hand on the side of his face. His eyes watered and he failed to blink them away. A single tear dripped down his cheek and she gently wiped it away for him. He shut his eyes, and she saw his lip tremble slightly.

“Kaidan, did something happen today?”

He sniffled, and shrugged. His voice wavered. “Nothing bad. I just… I don’t know.”

Shepard gently turned him so that they were looking at one another. She took both of his hands and held them to her chest.

“You can tell me anything. But take your time.”

“Jane, I spent so long not knowing it was okay to feel the way I did. I had no idea I could be this way. No one told me that it was okay. I lied about who I was for years, I spent so long confused, and scared to ask someone for help or for reassurance. I… I just… I hated myself for so long because of who I was, and I never had to. Knowing I spent that much time wishing I could be something else, but it was all for nothing? It just hurts.”

Her heart tightened, and she tugged him closer, pressing her forehead to his. She heard him struggle to breathe in. He’d told her enough over their time together for her to figure most of it out. He’d been a quiet, introverted kid who wasn’t very much like other boys. He got along nicer with girls, and spent more time with his nose in a book than kicking around a ball. He’d grown to worry constantly that he wasn’t fitting in, and hardly ever strayed from normal behavior. He kept himself in check in what she presumed was all ways, including emotionally. She had no idea how long this had  _ really  _ been building up.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s just me. You don’t have to hide anything,” she whispered.

He sucked in a deep breath. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

She brushed one hand through his hair. “If you’re upset, be upset. It’s okay.”

He let a few tears drip down his cheeks, and he bit down on his bottom lip. She inched forward and kissed away each drop on his cheeks and slid her arms around his body. He fought with everything in him to stay completely calm, but nothing worked. He tried to speak, but nothing came out, and instead, she just pulled him into her chest.

“Shh, c’mere,” she said, and let him hold onto her as tightly as he wanted. She heard a soft sob escape him, and he curled into her, like someone that so badly needed her protection in that moment. She cradled him and let his tears soak through the fabric of her shirt. The closest she’d come to seeing him cry was the night she told him everything, and it was minimal, just a tear or two. She hadn’t seen him  _ actually  _ cry before. But now, she knew it was the most heartbreaking thing she’d ever seen.

She wondered if Owen had done this sort of thing for him, if he’d let Kaidan be open with his emotions. And she wondered even more who was there for him when Owen had broken his heart. She smoothed her hands through his hair and rubbed his back, as he slowly returned to himself, and clutched her tighter. She kissed his head and sighed.

“You okay, baby?”

He nodded slowly. “I think so.”

“I love you,” she said. “I love you so much. And however you feel, it’s okay. It’s okay to just be who you are. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”

Kaidan tilted his head up and looked at Shepard. She gave him a warm smile and wiped away the remaining tears. He gave a weak smile back and rested his head back in her arms.

“I love you too. And I’m happy with how things are now.”

“Good. I just want you to be happy.”

He paused for a moment and swallowed. “Did… did you ever feel this way with your family?”

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed. “No. I never got to.”

He sat up just slightly. “Shit… I’m sorry. I didn’t-.”

“Kaidan, hey, it’s fine. I never told them, mostly because I wasn’t sure I knew myself then, but… if I had to guess, I don’t think they would have cared either.”

She paused a moment and a subtle smile rose to her lips. “They were just sort of like that. Laid back and weird as hell sometimes. I grew up on a farm, like… lots of land and lots of little animals. But, my parents went through this phase, where they grew marijuana. Like, at the house.”

Kaidan let out a brief laugh. “What?”

“We grew pot at one point. It didn’t last long. I was like fourteen at the time, so I could take care of myself well enough. But I’d come home, and mom and dad would be getting toasted in the living room together.”

“So your parents were potheads?” he giggled.

“Only for a short time. I’d walk in and they’d just say ‘Hey, little fox, you want a puff?’ And so I’d have to tell them that I couldn’t and had to do homework.”

Kaidan laughed harder and Shepard quickly joined in. His voice sounded light, happy, and relieved, and she was glad to see such a change from just moments ago. She slid herself between his legs and cupped his face, and pressed her forehead to his.

“They would have loved you,” she said.

He smiled. “I wish I could have had the chance to meet them.”

“Me too,” she said, and then kissed his forehead. “But I’m sure they know. Somehow. They know I’m in good hands.”

“Yeah. Shepard?”

“Hmm.”

He swallowed. “Thanks.”

She sighed. “Of course, baby.”

He pulled her into a kiss, and wrapped his arms around her tightly. She kissed him harder, parting his lips. He pulled away from the kiss, but Shepard moved in for another. He moaned into her mouth as she tugged at his hair. Kaidan quickly pulled away again.

“God, you  _ definitely  _ have a kink.”

Shepard smiled. “Maybe  _ you’re  _ just irresistible.”

Kaidan smiled back. “Well, that, I can live with.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be taking a brief break from this fic for a bit, because I'm commissioning art for the next chapter, and that won't be done for a bit of time, and my wonderful beta will be out of town. However, if you follow me on tumblr, there will be more writing there!
> 
> but exciting things are to come in the upcoming chapters. Halloween sexy times and dorky costumes, a potential love interest for James, and oh some sweet, sweet angst.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, after a nice long break, it's back! I'm happy to be back writing this, and sharing it with you guys. I hope you guys enjoy, and as always, commends and feedback appreciated! <3

“But I don’t get it, why don’t you just buy one of your own?” Shepard asked, watching intently as Kaidan navigated the character up and over hurdles. She had to assume this was what he did every break at work, when he didn’t come visit her at the gym. He headed over to the gaming section, popped a game into one of the sample PS4s and started amusing himself.

“Because it’s fucking expensive, that’s why. And they make a new one every few years, so what’s the point?” he said, leaning as he mashed buttons to make the character jump from one train car to another. “Shit, jump, shit, shit. Okay, I’m good.”

“You could probably get a really good deal since you work here, you know. Maybe I buy you a PlayStation for your birthday. That way you don’t have to mooch off the ones on display. This is… sad,” she said, frowning. 

He turned and smiled. “Aw, now wouldn’t that be generous.”

“I’m just trying to defend your ego. So do you pick a new game every day, or?”

“Nope,” he replied. “I’ve been working at this one a while. I just hope no one comes in and erases my progress. It’s happened a few times, but I get better and better every time.”

She watched on again, as his character climbed over the trains and fought enemies that came charging at him. He ducked behind crates as giant men with eastern European accents shouted angry things, and tossed grenades with snarky comebacks when things blew up. Suddenly, a helicopter flew into the frame and began firing rounds upon rounds of bullets at him. The current train car caught fire, and the hero briefly panicked before hurling himself at the next one.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. No one could survive this. Who the hell has the balance to stay on a racing train while a helicopter shoots at you? Do you know how many gigantic bullets a person can take before they die? It’s not that many. I was in the army. I know things. He just took like fifteen 30 millimeter bullets.”

Kaidan paused and glared. “Shepard, it’s a  _ game _ . Of course no one can do that. That’s why we play these things. To pretend we’re going on an adventure while being lazy assholes.”

“Okay then.”

He picked the game back up and continued playing. His character quickly hopped onto another train car, and promptly slid into a tank, and began firing. Shepard fought the urge to comment, but Kaidan held up a hand to tell her not to interrupt. He fired round after round at the helicopter and destroyed the missiles flying at him.

“Alright. I think something important is going to happen here, so please, no snarky comments,” Kaidan said.

Shepard backed away and went to go look at the other things on display while Kaidan finished out the current level. She sifted through iPhone cases and headphones, thinking about replacing her own for work. It took him another few minutes, but finally, he paused and shut the console off before coming back to her.

“Holy shit, that was wild.”

Shepard looked up and smiled. “Was it now?”

“Well, now you’re just being mean. Come on, video games can be  _ really  _ cool. It makes you feel like a badass. Sort of.”

Shepard smirked. “If I want to feel like a badass, I just go to work.”

Kaidan gave her a sarcastic smile. “Ha, yeah, we can’t all show off our muscles on the job.”

She leaned in and pinched his bicep. “I’d say you’re not doing so bad yourself. Even in your dorky bright blue shirt.”

He looked over his shoulders and checked to make sure nobody was watching, before leaning forward to kiss her. She cupped his face and pressed herself against his body. 

“So…” she said, pulling away.

“Oh no,” he replied.

“No, not ‘oh no’. Just let me explain,” she started. “You know what today is, right?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Halloween.”

Shepard nodded. “Yes, exactly. And look, how fun would it be if we went out and  _ did  _ something for Halloween. I’ve already been talking about it with James and we want to go out.”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

She shrugged. “Well, it’s not like I’ve thought about it extensively or planned anything….”

“Shepard, what is it?” he groaned.

“So you know Afterlife, right?”

Kaidan nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, if I recall we had a moment or two there a while back.”

She smiled. “Yeah, we almost kissed.”

“I think we actually  _ did.  _ Just on the cheek though. How times have changed,” he said.

She looked up at him and smiled. “Thank god. I was getting desperate. But anyway, Afterlife isn’t doing a cover charge for anyone who comes into the club in costume-.”

“Oh no,” he groaned, backing away. “Shepard, I’m not really into dressing up. It’s not my thing. I’d look stupid. I’m so not cool enough.”

Shepard pressed her hand to Kaidan’s chest and brushed her other thumb along his cheek. “Oh, come on. You’d look cute. It doesn’t have to be anything over the top. I won’t make you do anything ridiculous. We can make costumes out of whatever we have in our closets already. It won’t be a big deal.”

He tilted his head back and sighed. “Shepard.”

“Come on, baby, I’ll make sure you look normal. It’s not just going to be us. I think James and Ashley are in on it too. Just a group of friends going out to a club on Halloween. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Kaidan tilted his head down and pressed his forehead to hers. “Will you  _ promise _ that I won’t look stupid?”

She nodded. “Hey, I’d  _ never  _ want you to look stupid. You’ll look hot. And just think, last time we were there, things got kind of steamy, so what trouble could we get up to  _ now _ ?”

He smiled. “You’re being a bit of a minx.”

She shrugged. “I try. Alright, I have to get back to work, but I’ll be over later to figure out our costumes, okay?”

She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek before hurrying back down the road to the gym. 

 

***

 

“Aw,” Miranda cooed as Kaidan returned to the help desk. “She comes to see you at work.”

Kaidan glared. “Come on. You really have to make fun of me?”

“Oh no,” she said, “not making fun of you. You two are plenty cute.”

Kaidan sat back down at his chair and leaned back. “Well, what isn’t about to be cute is me dressing up for Halloween.”

Miranda laughed and rolled her eyes. “What? You’re too manly to dress up for Halloween, Kaidan?”

“No. She just wants to go out with Ash and her best friend, so naturally, I get to come along,” he said, and paused a moment, feeling just a little rude. “Though, you’re welcome to come along as well, if you’d like.”

Miranda smiled. “Well, thank you. I appreciate the invite, but Halloween is hardly my ideal holiday either.”

“Do you have plans of your own?” he prodded.

“No, it’s just lots of skimpy costumes and drunk men trying to get in my pants. It’s… not fun if you’re a lady who doesn’t do dating,” she said, waving it off and focusing on her computer.

Kaidan had known Miranda for years now, and he’d never known her to date anyone. If she did, she never mentioned it. She’d had dates, and would ask him advice before them, but it seemed as though none of them made it past the first date.

It was beyond him how a woman as wonderful as Miranda couldn’t find a partner. She was beyond gorgeous, with long dark hair and big blue eyes. She wasn’t the most socially savvy, but it was charming. She was smart, and sweet, and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. Miranda knew how spectacular she was, but she never saw it as a reason to hurt others. He’d always admired that about her.

“Don’t “do” dating?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s tough. I know how I look and come across. I know I’m lucky to look and be the way I am. No one is denying it. But believe me… it’s impossibly hard for me to find anyone who would respect me for who I am.”

Kaidan sighed. “Come on. That’s not true.”

“It is. Look, Kaidan, people look at me and they see a pretty face and a nice ass. And if I’m not going to sleep with them on the first date, I’m not worth their time,” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. 

He raised an eyebrow. “Miranda, not everyone demands sex on the first date. Hell, Shepard and I didn’t start sleeping together for  _ months.  _ It’s not always like that.”

“But you’re a  _ guy.  _ It’s… it’s not that simple when you’re a woman. If you’re comfortable with your appearance and have a good time with the guy, you’re a tease. If you don’t only want sex, lots of men think you’re better off being some weird hermit.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said. “I mean, look, the right person is going to want to be with you for  _ you,  _ not your looks.”

Miranda smirked. “So, then why is Shepard with you?”

Kaidan let a laugh slip. “Oh no, you didn’t just go there. For the record, she thinks I’m nice  _ and  _ cute. But look, if you come with us, you’ll be with a group. Shepard and I are the only ones together. Ash and James are both single. Everyone there would be looking out for you. And hell, James and I would never let some creep hit on you if it was making you uncomfortable. We’re big guys-.”

And then it hit him. He dropped his pen from his hand and his jaw fell open. Miranda looked incredibly concerned.

“It would be  _ perfect _ ,” he gasped.

“What?” she asked. “You’re being really weird, Kaidan.”

“I know, I know. But trust me. Look, Miranda, I know a guy.”

She crossed her arms. “Uh huh? Who knows a guy, who knows a guy?”

“I know a guy who could be awesome for you!” he said, a little too enthusiastically. “How didn’t I think of it sooner?”

She grumbled. “I don’t like being set up. It  _ never  _ goes well. Kaidan, the last time someone set me up, the guy ended up being a literal Nazi. I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. “How do you accidentally date a Nazi?”

“You’d be surprised.”

“But seriously… Do you trust me?”

Miranda paused for a long moment, and bit down on her pen. Kaidan crossed his arms.

“Miranda, would I  _ ever  _ steer you the wrong way?”

She nodded. Maybe she was right. There were more than a few shifts he’d asked her to cover for him where he knew a certain difficult customer would be in asking for help. Typically, the ones with bad mom haircuts who kept asking to speak to the manager. Maybe she was in the right to not trust him. But this was different.

“Come on, seriously?”

After another moment, she leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Fine. I’ll meet this guy and I’ll go out with you guys. But if it gets wild and weird, I’m going home.”

Kaidan smiled. “Thank you. I promise you won’t regret it.”

 

***

“There’s a giant ass hole in the ozone layer, Kaidan, and I’m beginning to think it’s all your fault,” Shepard cried from the bathroom, bobby pin still stuck in her mouth and keeping her from talking like a normal person.

“Shut up,” he groaned. “I can’t get my hair to stay in place.”

“Hang on, let me help.”

She stepped out of the bathroom and back into Kaidan’s bedroom. She found herself very pleased with their outfits of choice for the night, mostly because Kaidan looked just a little bit too hot for his own good. She knew her own closet like the back of her hand, but it took a few hours of tearing through Kaidan’s to figure out what they could do  _ together _ . Shepard had always wanted to do a couples costume with a partner, but nobody had ever been the right person. Despite his groaning and bitching, Kaidan was the right partner.

She’d found a pair of well fitted jeans and a white t-shirt, which fit snuggly around his chest and arms, and helped him roll the sleeves up. He owned a beat up leather jacket that she was going to make him wear, but for now, she was happy admiring his exposed arms. He stood in front of the mirror and attempted to gel back his curls to some sort of cohesive coif.

She stepped into the room, and she could feel his eyes on her. She’d found a pair of high-waisted black pants and a flashy belt, topped off with an off the shoulder black crop top. She’d spent the past hour curling her own hair into her best greaser style hairdo, and topped her makeup off with some matte red lipstick. Kaidan swallowed.

“Wow.”

“Now don’t we look like some cool cats?” she said.

He smirked. “Don’t say that again.”

“Come on, stud, you don’t want me using bad fifties lingo all night?”

“Please don’t.”

“Fine. Let me come fix your hair for you.”

She sat on the edge of his bed, wrapping her legs around his waist and taking the comb from his hand. She stroked back the gelled strands of hair for him, and sprayed it down with hairspray. She knew it would probably all come out once they got to the club and he started sweating, but part of the fun was watching his hair fall back into its perpetually curly state. He hummed in appreciation as she worked her fingers through his scalp to style his hair for him.

“You look so sexy,” she whispered into his ear. She pressed a kiss to the side of his head and moved her lips down to the back of his neck. He shivered and leaned into her. “And now your hair is perfect.”

He turned around and slid himself between her legs. His lips found her neck and he pressed his hips to hers. He kissed and nipped at her skin harder, and she pulled him up onto the bed with her. She was careful to not mess up her hair as he kissed lower and lower down her chest. His hands found the hem of her shirt and slid up the inside of her clothing. They’d hardly left the apartment and she was already day-dreaming about coming back and taking off every bit of his ensemble.

“Don’t mess up my outfit.”

“Don’t get red lipstick everywhere.”

She smiled. “It doesn’t rub off.”

She rolled him onto his back, her hands traveling down his body. She pressed her hips up against his and grinded them against his. He let out a low moan.

“I could do a lot of things to you without leaving a mark.”

“Good to know,” he replied, pulling her in for a kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, and pressed her body to his. His tongue slid against hers, and she resisted the urge to grab his freshly styled hair. She pulled away and pressed her lips to his one last time.

“So… James and Miranda? You think it could work?”

He nodded. “Worth a try. Even if not a match made in heaven, I feel like Miranda could use a few more friends.”

“Well,” she said, stroking her hand down his chest. “I appreciate you thinking of it. I’d love to see something great work out for James. He deserves it.”

“He sure does. Believe me, I think he’s going to be a welcome breath of fresh air for Miranda, and same for him.”

Shepard smiled and pressed her forehead to his. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said, brushing his thumb along her bottom lip. “So, so much. And  _ you,  _ my love, look incredibly sexy as well.”

“It might have been my aim to frustrate you just a bit.”

“It’s working,” he said. “Alright, let’s head out and see what the rest of the crew has in store.”

Shepard climbed off the bed, and held out a hand for Kaidan. She pulled him to his feet and touched up his hair for him. He placed one more kiss on her forehead, grabbing his phone and wallet before escorting her out of the bedroom. James was in the living room, seated on the couch. 

He looked dapper, a pair of pinstripe pants and a button down short sleeved shirt, and white suspenders. He had an old timey fedora sitting back on his head, and fake cigarettes sitting in his breast pocket. He looked like an all too perfect mobster, especially with the scars on his face and hair even slicked back, as much as he could for a buzzed mohawk.

“Man,” Kaidan said, “I feel like you’re about to tell me to say hello to your little friend.”

James stuck one of his fake cigarettes in his mouth. “And I better not catch you two beatniks doing anything hinky.”

“Hinky?” Shepard questioned, as there was a knock at the door. Kaidan went to answer it, and she felt her palms go sweaty. She hadn’t told James that Kaidan was trying to set him up, but if she knew James, James would see someone who stuck out in a group and go to them. She honestly thought his chances of hitting it off with Miranda would be better if he didn’t know. Putting any pressure on him would make it harder.

Kaidan let Miranda in, who was dressed in a pretty reasonable Wonder Woman costume, and she heard her boyfriend joke that it was all too appropriate for her. Miranda nervously blushed and toyed with her hair. Clearly, Miranda had been clued in that this was a set up.

“James, this is Miranda,” Kaidan said, “Miranda, James. James is one of Shepard’s closest friends.”

James stood up and smoothed out his pants, adjusting his suspenders. “Man, you two are one good looking Geek Squad.”

“Technically, we aren’t actually Geek Squad. They’re a separate division. We do IT,” Miranda said, pausing a moment and biting her thumbnail. “Sorry. That was awkward. Thanks.”

James smiled and gestured to Shepard and Kaidan. “If it makes you feel any better, those two have been together for months and she still doesn’t know what his job is. You’re doing her a favor.”

“Shut up,” Shepard groaned.

“Alright, I’m ready!” Ashley cried from her room.

Kaidan grumbled, as he’d just popped open a beer since he expected it to be a while still, as it usually was with Ashley. He took a long sip, as Ashley stepped out of her bedroom. Kaidan immediately choked on his beer.

She was wearing what looked like a Mountie uniform, but very much so bastardized into something sexy: short black shorts with a red button down cropped shirt with all the appropriate buttons and cuffs, and a ridiculous tan hat. Shepard could hardly contain her laughter for more than a few seconds.

“ASHLEY, THAT IS SO OFFENSIVE,” Kaidan shouted.

“Oh come on, it’s funny,” she said. “You should be proud. I’m paying homage to your homeland.”

“That’s like up there with burning a flag,” he said. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me.”

Shepard moved over to the kitchen and rested a loving hand on Kaidan’s arm. “It’s okay, baby.”

“They protect us, Shepard.”

“Hey, tell that to all the sexy cops and firefighters out there tonight. Ashley’s benevolent sexy Mountie isn’t that bad.”

“I could have been a sexy nun, but that would have felt  _ really  _ bad,” Ashley said.

“You monster,” he groaned.

Shepard wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss against his mouth. He held her back and rested his forehead against hers.

“Come on, we’re going to have a good night out. I promise,” she said.

He gave her a content smile. “Okay. Let’s head out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the Halloween fun continues in the next chapter too! There will also be art accompanying as well :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the next part of the Halloween adventures. There's plenty of fluff and smut and good stuff in here and I had a blast writing it. Also, enjoy the beautiful artwork attached done by Sathynae on DeviantArt! Comments and feedback always appreciated! :)

James had never seen Afterlife this alive, and it was all too ironic, considering half the people entering were dressed as some sort of zombie or dead… thing, and well, the name itself. The line to get in wrapped around the corner, and they stepped in the back, behind a group of people dressed as dinosaurs. Kaidan quietly explained that they were supposed to be from the new Jurassic Park, which Shepard adamantly refused to see when James asked because there was no Jeff Goldblum.

“Jesus, this is a mad house. Can’t we go to the weird little dive bar? I’m sure there’s music there,” Kaidan grumbled.

Shepard glanced up at him and slid an arm around his back. He’d slid on a leather jacket over his outfit, and it made his costume look so complete in the same way James’ fedora made his look like a cohesive unit. “Oh no, babe. This is the place to be.”

One of the security guards rounded the corner, and stared down Ashley. He skimmed her mostly exposed body and a smirk broke on his lips. She was a second away from yelling at him for being gross, when his eyes lit up.

“A mountie! Oh man that’s awesome! Come on to the front,” he chimed, and walked around the corner to the entrance singing “O, Canada”. Shepard reached down for Kaidan’s hand to keep him from reacting too strongly.

“Insulting,” he muttered.

The group weaved to the front of the club and right through the entrance, no IDs, no nothing, which made James happy, since he was still prone to getting carded. Lights bounced and flickered around the circular shaped club, and the dance floor was already full of dancers, grinding and moving with the beat. He happened to like this place, while most of the rest of his friends seemed to think it was a derelict cesspool. It was gritty, imperfect, and had an energy to it. Unless you pissed off Aria, then you were as good as dead.

Though, somehow Ashley managed to survive.

They made their way to the bar and snagged just a few seats. Kaidan took their coats and put them in coat check quickly.

“Alright, Wonder Woman, your call. What are we doing a shot of?” James asked Miranda, tucking an arm around her to bring her closer. He couldn’t believe that it actually felt like a natural thing to do. It was different when he was out with Shepard or with Ashley, as the permanent wingman. He’d keep them close, act as the protective boyfriend so the girls could have a carefree fun night, but to actually  _ want  _ to do it? It was unsettling. But Miranda didn’t pull away. Though, he was almost certain that she would once she found out.

“My choice?”

“Sure,” he said. “I don’t hear anyone arguing, right guys? It’s like initiation.”

Miranda glanced up at James and blushed. “Uh, well, I like Fireball.”

James nodded. “Alright, Fireball it is.”

James leaned over the bar, opening up a tab and ordering the group a round of Fireball shots. The bartender poured five of them, and passed them to the group. Each of them took a shot-glass and held it up, letting James do the honors.

“Okay, kiddos,” James said, looking at their group. “On three.”

“What?” Shepard interrupted, “no toast?”

“You don’t  _ want  _ me to make a toast.”

She nodded. “Sure, I do.”

James glared at her. “You’re horrible.”

She smiled. “Go on.”

“Well… uh… to our merry band of weirdos here, greasers and superheroes and mounties alike, may none of us get arrested or thrown out of this club. Goodnight to all, and to all a good night.”

Kaidan furrowed his brows in confusion, and Miranda leaned over to Ashley and whispered “Isn’t that a Christmas thing?”. The group threw back their shots, and Kaidan made a face. Shepard leaned over and wrapped an arm around his back.

“What’s wrong? It’s not manly enough for you.”

Kaidan shook his head. “I’ve had some  _ bad  _ times with Fireball.”

Miranda smiled. “Yes, that’s revenge for the time you made me explain why every single TV in the entertainment section was turned to the Canucks game and you were nowhere to be found.”

Kaidan shrugged. “A guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.”

James kept his eyes on Miranda. He was beginning to suspect what was going on. Miranda had moved closer to him as if she were told to do it, like someone had brought her here to set them up. Maybe he knew the drill by now because he’d been part of it many times before. 

But this time, James felt wrong. He felt  _ dirty.  _ He couldn’t deny that Miranda was stunning, and had a body like no other, but the fact that maybe he  _ did  _ want her was unsettling to put it kindly. Since he’d known there was a name for what he was, he was always relieved that he wasn’t attracted to people. To him, each new person who he didn’t want to sleep with was just validation that maybe he wasn’t broken or looking to validate his shortcomings with a fancy title he didn’t deserve.

He glanced over at Shepard and Kaidan, and wasn’t sure if they were reassuring or not. Kaidan had found Shepard a seat and the two were ordering drinks at the bar together. He kept an arm on either side of her, circling her and holding her. She reached behind her back and pulled him closer to her and he kissed the top of her head. They were  _ happy  _ together, and happy to show off the person they loved. Nobody in the club could deny their affection for one another. He saw how Shepard had changed when she had someone to love her. Kaidan had made so many of her worst fears fade into the backdrop of her mind. She was  _ better  _ because someone was able to truly love her despite her hardships. It was hopeful in a way to see, but still wondered if anyone could ever overlook that much in him.

Shepard met his eyes and gave him a reassuring nod, and seemed to offer to give them space. Shepard took Ashley’s arm and pulled her closer to them. James felt a knot grow in his throat, but knew they were doing it only with the best intentions. 

“Can I get you something there,  _ bonita _ ?” he asked.

Miranda smiled. “Sure, but surprise me.”

“Oh, I don’t think you really want that.”

She laughed. “Hey, that’s how you get to know a person!”

“Alright, you asked for it.”

James leaned over the bar and ordered them two tequila sunrises, and passed Miranda hers. She took a sip of it and nervously chewed on the straw.

“James, can I be honest?”

He paused. “Sure.”

“They’re totally trying to set us up.”

He nodded. “Oh I know. They didn’t even have to tell me to figure  _ that  _ much out.”

“I know. I don’t want this to be awkward for either of us. We can just have a good time as friends if you’d prefer that. I don’t… oh god what am I saying?”

James smiled back. “Don’t worry. It’s totally fine. I’m used to this.”

“Me too, ugh,” she groaned. “It’s just… not easy to find people, but sometimes, you just get tired of people trying to help you like you’re some kind of cause.”

James and Miranda both leaned up against the bar, sipping their drinks. “I know. I mean, Shepard has the best intentions. I know she does. She’s just trying to help.”

“And Kaidan doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. Enough bad blind dates will sour you to it.”

James remembered the dates he’d let friends set him up on. He had nights of uncomfortable conversation, mild flirtation, and going home with women that he didn’t really want, and only doing it because it was what he thought he  _ had  _ to do. He was tired of waking up in the morning with regret and self-hatred. It wasn’t until he met Shepard that he truly felt like someone was trying their best to be on his team.

“Yeah, me too.”

“However,” Miranda began, “Kaidan didn’t mention that you were cute, and charming.”

“He also didn’t mention that you were drop dead gorgeous.”

Miranda looked up at James. She was nearly as tall as him, and he was beginning to wonder what she’d feel like in his arms. He hadn’t wanted someone in so long that he almost didn’t remember the feeling. He didn’t think he was allowed to feel it. He wasn’t sure if it was even sexual attraction, or if it was just the excitement and rush that came with being around someone who made you happy. Whatever it was, his fear was beginning to subside.

“So, what do you say, James?”

“A no expectations-purely fun-good time of a blind date?” he teased.

She bumped his shoulder with hers and glanced up. “I think that sounds pretty good to me.”

James stepped away from the bar and held out a hand. “Well then, Wonder Woman, would you like to dance?”

Miranda smiled coyly, but took it. “I guess that sounds okay. Though, I do feel like in this costume, I should be arresting you or dropping a building on your head.”

“Eh, I think my night could do without that. I do have to warn you though, I’m one hell of a dancer.”

She let James pull her away from the bar and closer to the dance floor. Miranda slid her arms around his shoulders, and he moved his hands to her waist. Miranda smiled and bit down on her lip as James tugged her closer.

She laughed under her breath. “I think I can handle it.”

“Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

 

****

 

Shepard’s memory of the last time she’d come to Afterlife was blurry and fuzzy, but she could remember it well enough to know it had been a great night. Shepard remembered how she’d rescued Kaidan from a ferocious blonde woman trying to get into his pants. She’d been a little too excited to spot him in the crowd, and knew it could be her chance to get closer. Even then, there was part of her that couldn’t resist him. She remembered the way their sweaty bodies came together, and he held her in a way that said he wanted more, and it didn’t scare her. She still did wish, though, that Ashley had never interrupted their almost kiss. She knew tonight, however, would be different.

Now, Kaidan was all hers. She could hold him and kiss him all she wanted, and was proud to call him her boyfriend. She could see all the people eyeing him up, and it only made her move her hands lower around his waist and slid her hand into his back pocket.

“You know, there are a lot of girls here who you’re probably driving wild,” she said. “And probably guys too.”

“Mm, I’m only here to satisfy a  _ Grease  _ fetish for one person, and that’s you, baby girl.”

She looked up at him and tilted his face to hers. She pressed her lips to his, and he kissed her back without any shame. She knew with him in that outfit, with his hair pushed back and sexy, it was going to be hard to keep her hands off of him all night. At least there was the prospect that she didn’t have to. Not here.

Shepard took a moment to think of how it all looked. She and Kaidan, in a corny, but rather sexy, couples costume, already snuggled up against one another and looking cozy as ever. He rested his head on hers and kept her in his arms, like he was so proud to say she was his. She’d never wanted to  _ belong  _ to someone before, but she was always happy to be his. It was a position she didn’t see herself finding again. 

She’d always gotten annoyed at the couples that were so blatantly happy and close with their partner. To her, it had seemed fake and like a show. But maybe it was just because she didn’t know what it felt like to have someone  _ happy  _ to be with her. Someone who was proud to keep an arm around her and love her. Their relationship didn’t feel like it was for their eyes only, and she loved it.

“You’re driving  _ me  _ wild in that outfit,” he said.

She smiled. “It’s a little skin tight, isn’t it?”

He tilted his head and frowned. “Really?”

“Really.”

Kaidan finished his drink and ordered another one. Miranda and James had vanished off together, and Ashley went to go dance as well. It left the two of them alone for a bit, and she was grateful for that. It allowed Kaidan some time to settle into the environment before she made him dance with her. She knew by now that he took some real warming up in these situations. The two downed a few drinks, and Shepard convinced him to take a shot with her called a “red-headed slut” because she thought the name was funny. It was mostly fruity, but just a bit rancid.

A song came on over the speakers, one Shepard liked, and she curled her hand around Kaidan’s wrist.

“Come on, dance with me.”

She dragged him to the dance floor, right in the middle of the action and pulled him close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him slide a hand below her waist. Kaidan was clearly uncomfortable dancing until there was really a feel for what he was supposed to be doing. Though Shepard wasn’t much more graceful, she pressed her hips to his and swayed his body the way the rest of the crowd was. The lively crowd shoved the two of them closer together, and neither of them were complaining. 

Though it was hard to breathe in the stuffy club, being this close to him, feeling his body move against hers was taking her breath away way more than anything else. His hands gripped her body tightly and he kept her pressed where he wanted her, and eased up her body. He tilted her head up to kiss her, his whiskey flavored lips tingled against hers, and she needed more of him. 

Her entire body ached for him, and she wished that they weren’t in the middle of a club right about now. He bit down on her bottom lip, keeping her close and kissing her. She only broke away to breathe and pull herself closer to him. There was suddenly a quick jolt beside them, and Kaidan drew away for a moment. 

“I found you!” Ashley shouted above the music. Shepard had been keeping an eye on her, and saw that Ashley had been smitten with a few gentlemen since they got here, a buff cop, a hot pirate, and now a Where’s Waldo? 

“Ashley, you’ve interrupted us here before,” Kaidan said.

“I know. I’m just making sure you guys are okay! James and Miranda are having a good time together! Okay, now you guys can go back to hooking up.”

Shepard laughed, and Kaidan gave a sigh. “Okay, be careful.”

“Yup, I’ll check in soon!”

She vanished into the sea of people grinding and left the two of them to their business. Shepard turned herself around and pressed her back to Kaidan’s body, and one of his hands wandered lower to her waist. His fingers slipped under the waistband of her pants and under her shirt. She felt his lips draw lower to the side of her neck and kiss her hard. He’d shaved earlier in the night, but she could still feel the pricks of scruff against her skin.

She breathed against him and invited his hands to wander more. She was so aware of all the places he was touching her, and how it was beginning to feel like they were the only people in the room. She was hypnotized by his hands wandering lower, the heat of his body pressed to hers, her grip on his overly gelled locks as she reached behind her to hold him. 

The music slowed to something sultry and heavy, and the strobe lights cast a bright red glow onto the crowd. Shepard wasn’t sure how long they’d been dancing together, but their clothes were warm with sweat, and her skin felt like it was on fire. The sensation felt like their nights tangled up in their sheets, touching one another in the ways they only trusted each other to, driving each other wild. It was all familiar, from Kaidan’s strong hands holding her, frantic breathing because they left each other breathless, the clear need to push this further and further.

Kaidan gently turned her around and kissed her again, softer this time. However, softer was almost worst, more frustrating. She drew her lips across his face, to his neck, where she nibbled at his ear, and moved lower. He let out a low moan and she pulled his hips into hers. He gripped her shirt tighter, and let out a deep breath.

“Shepard… god,” he muttered as her lips danced around the base of his throat. “We’re in public.”

She removed her lips from his neck and gave him a little room to breathe, though she was certain that they both wanted things to go further. Just not here.

“Come on, I have to go to the bathroom,” he finally said.

She giggled under her breath. “Oo, romantic.”

He tilted his head and glared. “I need to pee.”

She shrugged and followed him toward the bathrooms. The line for the private bathroom wasn’t very long, and they were in within a minute or two. Kaidan pulled them both inside and unzipped his pants. Shepard fixed at her hair, and makeup, pleased as ever that her lipstick hadn’t smeared all over her face. As Kaidan finished, she moved out of the way to allow him to wash his hands. 

Shepard circled behind him and wrapped her arms around his body. He looked up at her, resting her head on his shoulder, and reached behind him to hold her.

“Having fun, love?” he asked.

She nodded. “Oh yes.”

“Me too.”

“You know,” she began. “We have a quiet moment here.”

He turned around and cupped her cheeks. “Mm, just us.”

She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. She kissed him hard, and he wrapped his arms around her to keep her from wobbling off the sink counter. He pulled away for a moment, not expecting anything else, but she bit down on his bottom lip to keep him close. He paused a moment to catch his breath, but kissed her back harder. She stood up and pressed her body against his. Unsteady bodies moved to the brick wall of the bathroom. He pushed himself against her body, and grinding his hips against hers as they kissed.

The same heat and desire from before was back, and she could feel it between both of them. Kaidan swallowed and refrained from kissing her, and sweat rose to his skin. He nervously pulled away, breathing heavy. She slid her hands lower and undid his belt and zipper. Kaidan hesitated but continued to kiss her after another moment. Shepard eased her hand below the fabric of his pants and felt Kaidan’s body tense up.

“Shepard,” he breathed.

“I’m taking advantage of the quiet time, okay?”

He didn’t argue and kissed her harder. She dug her nails into his scalp, and he pressed his body against hers, and she could feel the most evident ways that he wanted her. Their bodies met, and she wished so desperately that there wasn’t all this clothing between them. Kaidan’s hands wandered to her waistband and under the fabric of her spandex pants. She felt him smirk against her skin as he kissed her neck.

“Skin tight was right,” he said.

She laughed. “I told you - oh, god.”

His hand pressed gently against her, below her clothing, and found her center quickly. She grinded her hips against his touch until he found just the right rhythm. Her breathing grew stronger and deeper, and grabbed Kaidan’s hair yet again.

“Fuck,” she muttered, between kisses. Her hands wandered lower, and pushed the sides of his pants over, and his boxers down.

“Dammit, I really need to start keeping condoms in my wallet,” he groaned.

“You don’t have any?”

He shook his head. “No.”

She leaned her head against the wall and groaned. For a moment, she hardly cared, but her better judgement went against that. Her eyes drifted around the bathroom, to the small dispensers on the wall. She spotted tampons, pads, and then, at the end, what they were looking for.

“Mm, Kaidan, look…”

He tilted his head slightly and spotted the condom dispenser on the wall and sighed. “Fucking perfect.”

He stepped away from the wall and pulled change from his pocket, turning the dial until it dropped out a small foil square. He sighed, and returned to her, tearing the casing open. He let her finish pushing his pants down just enough and easing it over him. Shepard kissed him again, hard as he slipped her pants lower. Kaidan positioned himself to enter her and she grabbed his hair. He pressed her hard against the wall as they came together, and she cried out and bit down on his bottom lip.

He eased his hands lower to her thighs, guiding her body to the movements of his hips. Shepard was beginning to get the impression that Kaidan knew exactly what he was doing, like maybe it wasn’t the first time he’d had sex with someone against a wall. And he was damn good at it too. She followed his body as he moved against her and pushed himself deeper and harder. Her entire body felt like fire and she was  _ so  _ glad for the loud thumping music outside, and that the lock on the door was a deadbolt. There was no way half the club wouldn’t have heard without it.

Kaidan shifted her body up and hoisted her into his arms. She wrapped her arms and legs around his body and pushed her hips further to his body. He frantically grabbed her tighter, nails digging into her back, and whimpered at the change in movement. She cupped his face and continued what she was doing. Each sway of their bodies and thrust of their hips caused him to move enough for her to find new places to kiss.

As he kissed her neck, biting and nipping at her skin, her eyes fluttered open just a bit, and had to admire how damn sexy he looked. From the muscles in his arms and neck popped, tense from holding her against the wall, and beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, hair falling out of place. All the soft (and not so soft) moans and gasps, frantic reaches for each other, they hit a climax together, and Kaidan held her in his arms for a moment while his breathing returned to normal.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. “That was… Fuck, that was the best sex I ever had.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said. 

He eased her to the ground and cleaned himself up, zippering his pants and redoing his belt. Shepard fixed her pants and swallowed, leaning on the counter to keep herself up. Kaidan washed his hands, and took hers, pulling her in for a kiss. It was short and sweet, and reminded her that even as dirty and wild as they could be, love was at the core of their relationship.

“Okay, I think we held up long enough-,” he said opening the door, and it was certainly an understatement. On the other side, a line extended halfway to the bar, and Aria T’Loak stood front and center with her arms crossed.

“It’s always you two, isn’t it?” she said.

Shepard’s jaw dropped. “Uh… Yeah, you see, he needs alone time, sometimes.”

She put her hand on Kaidan’s arm, protectively and lovingly.

“So you gotta do that in my bathroom and hold up the line?”

“Uh, yeah. Linoleum calms him down. Generally speaking.”

Kaidan swallowed and nodded. “Sure does.”

“Whatever. From now on, use the public bathrooms and don’t hold up the line,” she walked away and shook her head, “Just as long as you weren’t fucking in my bathrooms.”

There was a momentary pause, and the large man dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stepped into the bathroom. Kaidan turned to her.

“ _ Alone time? _ ”

“Sorry,” she said, “I panicked.”

“Wardrobe malfunction would have been  _ way  _ more discreet.”

Ashley, James, and Miranda found them moments later, and Shepard and Kaidan both picked up on the fact that James and Miranda were holding hands.

“There you guys are! We looked everywhere for you!” James said.

“Uh,” Shepard said, “yep, we’re here.”

“Why are you looking so suspicious?” Ashley asked. “Did Aria yell at you?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Yeah. We took too long in the bathroom.”

“What? Ew?” Ashley said.

“Not like that,” he groaned.

“Then what were you  _ both  _ doing in there?”

Before Kaidan could retort, Shepard jumped in. “Oh, nothing. Just a wardrobe malfunction.”

 

***

 

James hated the end of a good date more than anything in the world. For most, the end of a good date meant heading up to someone’s place, stripping off clothes, and letting things get steamy. But for him, he knew that would never be the case. So where did that leave him now? Was he supposed to throw away his chances with an amazing woman, or sacrifice his own beliefs to salvage a relationship?

He walked her back to her apartment, and she held onto his hand the entire way. She was still a little bit tipsy, and she looked imperfect. Her hair was messy and she was just a little bit sweaty. Her makeup had smudged just a bit, but she looked happy, and knowing he was part of that gave him hope.

“I live right here,” she said, pausing outside an elegant apartment complex. James felt a knot in his stomach grow. Miranda was only a phone call away, and he knew if he asked Kaidan to arrange a time for them to hang out as a group again, he would absolutely agree. But it felt like he had to do something, give her a reason to call him, to want to see him again.

“These heels are the worst,” Miranda said, stopping and shedding the red shoes she’d been wearing all night.

“It’s amazing you made it this long. You really are some kind of superhero.”

She laughed, and her giggling made her lose her balance just a little. James laughed under his breath too and helped her balance. Miranda reached out for him as she wobbled, and he lost his balance just a bit. The two fumbled over into the grass outside her apartment, and didn’t rush to get up.

She wiped a hand over her face and shook her head. “We’re a mess. I’m usually not, you know.”

James propped himself up on one arm. “I’m… Well, I sort of like seeing you like this. It makes me happy.”

“What? Like a total disaster?”

He shook his head. “No, you’re beautiful. Nobody can be one hundred percent together all the time. Look at you right now, you’re laying in the grass, shoes tossed to the side after you fell on your ass, and dragged me with you, but you’re laughing and happy.”

Her blue eyes flickered up to his, and she nodded. “Yeah. I… I had a nice time tonight.”

“Me too,” James said.

Miranda turned over and reached a hand for his. He smiled and let her have it, though she clearly noticed his nervousness.

“What is it?”

He looked away. “Miranda, there’s some stuff about me that lots of people don’t like. It might… it might change how you feel about you and I.”

“You and I?” she teased. “So official, James.”

He smiled back. “I just don’t do good dates very often. They’re often marred with me being afraid of what’s expected of me.”

She looked curious. “What do you mean?”

He sat up and ran his hands against his partially shaved hair. “I don’t feel things the way a normal person does. Normal people start dating people and they want to sleep with them, feel the physical pull to be with them. I… I don’t.”

Miranda thought it over a second. “Oh… so you’re asexual?”

James tilted his head. “You know what that is?”

Miranda nodded and shrugged. “I’m as smart as I look.”

“I see that,” James said, pondering it.

“But what does it mean for you? It’s not always the same for every person.”

James had never been asked. No one had given him the chance. He explained it just a bit to Shepard, how sometimes it fluctuated. He didn’t know if his attraction came at such a small rate that it seemed non-existent, or if with time he could learn. He swallowed and shook his head.

“I don’t really know. Maybe I’ll learn to want this with someone if they give me the time to figure it out, and maybe it’s just not the person. It’s… complicated.”

She nodded. “Sure is. Doesn’t help that nobody bothers to learn about it.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.”

They were silent for a long while, and then Miranda reached over and curled her fingers around his. James glanced over, and held her hand back. She  _ chose  _ this. Maybe she felt bad, maybe it was all out of pity because she was going to tell him they couldn’t see one another again, but it was out of her own volition.

“How did you feel about me?”

James sighed. “I feel something. I don’t know what it is. It’s just something that tells me I want to see you again. It’s hard when people don’t give you a chance to make sense of your feelings. I wish I had a better answer for you.”

“I understand.”

It was all she needed to say. It wasn’t her up in arms and furious about his indecisiveness. It was her  _ understanding _ .

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Miranda shook her head. “Don’t be. Look, James, Kaidan set me up with you because I told him I was tired of people just wanting me for my looks, and he knew you could be different. It’s  _ why  _ I agreed. I wanted someone who could just take the chance to know me. I did it for myself, so maybe I could find a little hope, but I wasn’t expecting you to make me feel this happy.”

“You think there’s something here?” he asked.

She nodded. “I do.”

“Me too.”

Miranda slowly leaned forward and rested her hand on James’ chest. Her lips lingered close to his and he could almost taste her. She smelled like fruity alcohol and sweet perfume, and he never imagined that a woman this beautiful would want him and accept him.

“Is this okay?” she asked.

James nodded. “Yes.”

Miranda slid her hand to the side of his face and moved in for a kiss. Their lips met, and she tasted soft and sweet, and he hadn’t wanted to kiss someone this badly in years. He kissed her back and pulled her closer, arms weaving around her body and smoothing his fingers into her hair. She gasped and held him close. He liked the way her hands moved over his muscles and how she didn’t push for anything more. This kiss was enough.

She made him feel like it was okay to just be who he was.

Slowly, she pulled away, and cupped his face. “Wow.”

“I know. It’s misleading how someone who doesn’t want sex can be  _ that  _ good at kissing,” he said.

Miranda laughed and he squeezed her tighter. “Well, I’ll give you that.”

“Lack of interest doesn’t mean lack of experience. But that… well,  _ bonita _ , I could get used to that.”

She shut her eyes and nodded. “Me too. I want to see you again.”

“Of course,” he replied, pushing a hair from her face. “I’d like to take you on a date, a real one, one we pick.”

She smiled. “I… I’m a little too tipsy and frazzled to pick.”

“We’ve got time,” James said.

“Okay. I’ll call you.”

He kissed her softly one more time. “Okay. Now, up we go, princess.”

He helped Miranda to her feet and steadied her. She let go of his hand and twiddled her thumbs. “Well, thank you for tonight. It made me really happy.”

“Anytime, Miranda. Get some rest, okay?”

She nodded. “You too. Goodnight, James.”

And she headed inside her apartment for the night.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, kiddos, it's getting close to the beginning of the end here, and the chapters are winding down. I just wanted to take a moment to seriously thank all the people who have been reading and commenting and supporting this fic. It hasn't always been easy to write, especially lately, but knowing people are eager and love each update makes it all the more thrilling to work on. <3 Enjoy!

_“Aww. Little Fox is falling asleep back there.”_

_Jane opened her eyes and glared up at her dad in the front seat. “It’s late.”_

_“Yeah, past your bedtime,” he teased, tilting the rearview mirror to look at her. Her mother rested a hand on her father’s shoulder and sighed._

_“Come on, Adam. Be nice. It’s okay, sweetie. I’m tired too.”_

_Jane didn’t like New Year’s Eve very much. She was able to stay up until three in the morning every other night, except the one where it mattered, naturally. Her parents had dragged her to a party with one of their family friends, and with no kids her age, she ended up hanging out with older people all night. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the thrilling New Year’s Eve that she expected now that she was getting old enough to make her own plans. Maybe one day she would be._

_Her dad went back to focusing on the road. Jane leaned over and curled up on the seat, struggling with her seatbelt to get comfortable. She watched her parents banter back and forth and joke with one another. She always admired the ease at which they could interact with each other. They were natural complements and they seemed so lucky to have found one another. Most kids looked at their parents and grumbled at the thought of them being physically close, touchy, loving. They’d always been that way, especially with her. The Shepard household was never short for hugs._

_Maybe one day she’d find someone who wanted her that much._

_She didn’t feel it most days, but on nights like tonight where her friends would definitely want to tell her all about who they kissed at midnight and how a certain party made them realize they had feelings for the lame popular boy in class, she wished there was someone at her side as well._

_“Careful,” her mom said. “There’s drunk drivers everywhere tonight.”_

_Her dad groaned. “I know that, Hannah. Let me concentrate on the road.”_

_They drove slowly down the winding roads to get home, and Jane tried to doze off as much as she could. Who knew how long it would take for her to finally get to her bed? Suddenly, the car jolted to a stop. She sat up and looked out the front mirror. Her dad reached behind him to make sure she was okay, and she let him know she was fine._

_“God damn kids in the middle of the road,” he muttered. “Jane, you know them?”_

_She looked at the group of kids skipping across the street, drunk off their asses. She shook her head. “No.”_

_“Good. Don’t hang out with them. They’re losers. Make good choices.”_

_“Dad, you grew pot at home.”_

_He raised a finger. “Now, just you wait.”_

_“You did.”_

_“Yeah,” her mother agreed, “we did.”_

_“Exactly. Do as I say, not as I do.”_

_He accelerated forward and down the hill further. The car meandered and reached a three-way intersection at the bottom of the hill, and they stopped at the red light. Jane leaned against her dad’s seat and looked out the window. She wasn’t used to seeing the sleepy town of Mindoir alive at this hour. Even bars typically shut down early here._

_She didn’t get much of a chance to look around or study the town past her bedtime, because something came crashing into the back of their car. Jane let out a quick shout, and looked behind her. A car had slammed directly into the back of their truck, and the back windshield blown out into the trunk of the car._

_“Jane? You okay?” her mother asked._

_She nodded. “Fine.”_

_The shock of the hit didn’t register until she realized they were in the middle of the intersection. Her dad turned around and looked at the car behind them, and opened his door._

_“I’m going to go figure out what this asshole’s problem is.”_

_As he stepped out of the car, Jane caught sight of two bright lights coming from the other side of the car, and not slowing down. Her heart picked up speed, and her entire body went cold. They had to stop. They had to. There was a car here, people. They_ had to. _Her mom looked back to her in a panic, and Jane reached for the door handle, but the other car collided with theirs before she could even pull at it._

_The hit came, but instead of the coarse asphalt on New Year’s Eve, she was surrounded by sand, and heard bullets firing from above the overturned car. She knew where she was, and she knew if she opened her eyes, she’d just find the dead all around her. Everyone taken, except her. She tried to breath, but the heat, the pain, the pressure of being trapped overwhelmed her. The world went dark again._

 

She felt it all over again. Her head ached, and warm blood dripped down her head. She felt gashes from glass all over her body, and a broken shoulder bone keeping her from moving one arm. Shrapnel buried deep in her side as she bled onto burning hot sand, and the weakness of her broken body, refusing to move. She could smell gasoline and rubber, the faint scent of both burning. Her throat ached and burned, and when she tried to breathe, it only made everything else feel worse. A strangled cry escaped her lips and she fought to move.

Tears leaked from her eyes and her frantic arms hit blocks as she tried to escape.

“Shepard, hey, shh…”

“Get me out,” she gasped. “Get me _out_.”

A hand cupped her cheek, and she pushed it away, a new rush of tears falling down her cheeks. She pushed against all the forces around her and wrapped her arms around her body. She sobbed into the pillow against her head, and gave up. She couldn’t fight anymore.

“ _Help_ ,” she gasped.

“Jane,” Kaidan whispered, “Shh… breathe.”

She felt one hand come to the side of her face, and his weight shift on the bed. He reached slowly, and curled his fingers around hers. She took it and leaned into him. He slid his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. He sat up and gently pulled her into his lap. She curled up against his shoulder and buried her head into his shirt. He squeezed her tightly and ran his hand up and down her back. Her entire body ached and she wondered if it was normal to still dream that vividly, to hurt that badly after a nightmare.

“It’s just a bad dream. Just a bad dream. You’re safe, I promise.”

As she came down and her heart slowed to a normal speed, she wondered if Kaidan knew what she was dreaming about. Could he guess? Was he scared of her?

She sniffled, and he gave her a tighter sneeze. She wrapped her arms around her aching body and let out a low whimper. All she wanted was for him to make it all go away. She wasn’t sure what she said, and was too tired to know what she did, but Kaidan held her closer and kissed her head.

“Oh, baby girl,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

She sighed and took in a deep breath, reaching for one of his hands. He happily gave it to her and kissed the side of her head.

“You okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “I think so.”

“Take your time.”

He carefully leaned back onto the bed and let her follow, snuggling her close to his body. She swallowed the rest of her tears, and opened her eyes. She _was_ safe. She was in Kaidan’s room, curled up in his bed, with him bundled next to her, watching her and waiting for her to relax. The clock behind him read 2:30AM.

“It’s late,” she muttered.

“It’s okay,” he said, even though his face seemed to say otherwise. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were half closed. He spoke in a groggy, distant voice, and was visibly exhausted. He looked adorable, though, snuggled up in a hoodie and sweatpants. Sometimes she thought she liked this Kaidan best. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She swallowed. “I don’t know.”

He rubbed her back, and kissed her forehead. “Okay.”

“I don’t want to go back to bed yet,” she whispered.

He sat up again, and reached on the nightstand for his glasses. He slid them onto his face and held out a hand for her.

“Where are you going?”

“Come on, baby, let’s make some tea.”

She took his hand and followed him into the kitchen. Kaidan poured water into the teapot and put it on the stove. He leaned against the island in the kitchen and invited her back into his arms. She snuggled against his chest and held onto him tightly. He pulled out two mugs and placed them on the counter, dropping teabags into them. Shepard watched him, with such affection she felt like she might explode.

It wasn’t the first time Kaidan had actively taken care of her, but something about the middle of the night, just them, felt different. It was everything from his sleepy eyes, navigating the kitchen and surveying the tea kettle, or the way he kept his hands on her, assuring her that he wasn’t going anywhere. It was moments like this where he was _so_ gentle that it scared her.

He reached a hand to her cheek, and softly brushed his thumb against her face. She knew he was thinking about how much he wanted to know what was going on in her head, but sometimes, talking wouldn’t help. Just knowing he was here was enough. And now, he trusted that lack of telling wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“I miss my parents,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I guess… well, there’s nothing you could do about it.”

“The nightmare. Was it about them?”

Shepard nodded slowly. “Yeah, just… about the car accident, and about what happened to my unit. I usually don’t remember it this intensely. This was just exceptionally bad. I just wish they could see me now, and know if they’d be proud of who I am. Sometimes I just can’t even believe they’re gone. It’s been ten years, and sometimes I just can’t process that they’re no longer here.”

“They’d be so proud of you,” he said, “Anyone would be proud their daughter grew up to be so brave and strong, and kind and loving, and so beautiful.”

He stepped away to pour the boiling water into the mugs.

“Thanks.”

“And it’s okay to miss them. I’ve never lost anyone close to me, not like that, and I couldn’t imagine it. I can only imagine that it’s natural.”

She watched him carefully prepare her tea for her, and it was the first time she realized he’d memorized the way she took her tea. With just a bit of milk, and three small spoons of sugar. She smiled, and followed him as he brought both cups of tea back into his bedroom. He passed her her mug and situated himself on the bed across from her. They sat facing one another, legs crossed and both of them bundled up as rain poured down outside.

“So,” she began, “is this where we start swapping dark secrets and ghost stories?”

He smiled. “Well, not sure I have many ghost stories, or dark secrets. Just plenty of embarrassing stories.”

She laughed. “That’s not hard to imagine.”

“Wow, that was rude. Here I am, making you tea and staying up late with you, and that’s what I get?”

She coyly sipped her tea and looked away. “I guess so.”

“But Shepard… you know you can come to me with anything, right? There’s nothing you can say that will scare me away, or make me stop loving you.”

She swallowed and nodded. “I know.”

“I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s true. Maybe sometimes I don’t even take my own advice so well.”

She paused again, and ran her finger around the edge of the mug. She could feel Kaidan watching her, but not pressing her to speak again. Sometimes, just his gaze felt as warm as being in his arms.

“Do you think we’ve changed?” she asked quietly.

He shrugged. “Depends on what you mean by it.”

“Us, as a couple. Do you think things are different now?”

“I mean, yeah, sure. We aren’t dancing around each other and trying to figure out where we stand. We’re comfortable with each other now,” he said.

“I know, and I’m glad we are. I just… Dating someone is kind of like a plateau, you know? There’s all this building, the ‘will they or won’t they?’ or the excitement with each date and kiss. When things are new, and there’s constantly something to work for, to advance. First dates, first kisses, first time having sex… it’s like there’s always something new. What do you do when you’ve checked those boxes? I just wonder if there’s enough to keep people around.”

He sighed, not angry. “Are you scared I’d get bored of you?”

She nodded, almost ashamed she’d even need to say it. She felt her eyes watering again, and she felt so stupid. What other proof did she need that he loved her? He’d do anything for her, and would show her time and time again that he wasn’t going anywhere. And she trusted him most of the time, but sometimes, like now, _she_ couldn’t believe someone could truly want her the way he did.

“Sorry,” she whispered.

“No,” he said, “don’t be sorry. Please.”

“Maybe it’s just my history, or something messed up in my head. I just feel like I should be giving more and more, and pushing myself to show you that there’s still more to learn about me, and that we aren’t… just staying still.”

“Look, I get it… Owen sought someone else out because I was there all the time, or because he was bored with me. I don’t know which is more the truth, but I know how it feels. I don’t feel that way about you. I don’t need someone who feels the need to constantly be pushing our relationship further, to force our hands faster than we’re ready for, or try new things in bed that neither of us are comfortable with, or because it feels like we _have to_ push the envelope further. That's just not _us_. For me, it’s more than good enough just to love someone. Every day I get to spend with you is something to look forward to. I’ve waited a long time to find someone who feels like home, someone who I’m truly comfortable with and who I want to share even the simplest things with. All I’ve ever wanted was a place to rest my head and someone who will love me back just the same.”

He leaned back and put his mug on the nightstand and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You mean that?” she asked.

He nodded. “Of course I do.”

“I just don’t want you to get bored with me, or our love life, or our sex life-.”

“Hey,” he whispered, “we’re fine.”

“I’m just scared of losing you.”

He nodded. “I know, me too. But I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry about that.”

She put her empty tea mug on his nightstand and crawled into his lap. He took her in his arms and rested his forehead against hers.

“I love you so, so much,” he said.

“I love you too.”

She paused a moment, and pulled his lips against hers. His lips were warm and tasted like the tea they’d been drinking, and his warm body pressed to hers so easily, so gently. He pulled away after a moment and brushed his thumb against her cheek.

“You know, maybe it sounds stupid, but nights like tonight make me feel like I really could spend my whole life with you,” she said.

He smiled back. “I don’t think that sounds stupid at all. Come on, let’s get back to sleep.”

She climbed back to the pillows and Kaidan tucked her carefully under the covers. He pulled his laptop from the drawer it was in and pulled up something for them to watch, background noise. Shepard crawled into his arms and rested her head against his chest, and he kissed the top of her head. She could see the exhaustion in his face, and how badly he wanted to go to sleep again, but knew he would stay up as long as she was awake, just to make sure she got to sleep well.

They chose a random movie to watch and the title credits began. He turned the volume so low that it was nearly impossible to hear, but it was good enough. It was just another excuse to hold each other close and not let go. It didn’t take long before her heavy eyelids shut and she drifted off to sleep.

 

***

 

Shepard woke up when she heard movement in the kitchen, and realized she was alone in bed. The sheets were cold, so Kaidan had clearly been up for some time. She pulled herself from the bed and rubbed her eyes, before washing her face and brushing her teeth in the bathroom. She quickly changed into a pair of leggings and a button down denim shirt, and wrapped a scarf around her neck. Kaidan hadn’t turned on the space heater last night, and the morning chilliness had set into the apartment.

She stepped into the living room to see Kaidan already dressed and ready to go for the day. His hair was still drying and smoothed out of his face, and he’d put on a flannel and pair of jeans, tucked into his boots. He sat at the counter, sipping coffee, and the entire living room smelled of it. He looked up when she entered and gave a warm smile.

“Hey, baby girl.”

She wandered over to the coffee machine and poured herself a cup. She breathed it in and took a sip.

“So,” he began, “I had an idea.”

“Mmm?”

“We should go apple picking,” he said.

Shepard lowered her mug and furrowed her brows. “What?”

“We should do it. It would be nice. I don’t know. I want us to just go out and do something, as a couple. Just the two of us.”

She paused a moment. “Is this something you’ve been wanting to do for a while?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I know it’s more of a before Halloween kind of thing, but it’s still fall. Starbucks still does Pumpkin Spice Lattes, so it’s fair, I guess. I just… thought it would be a nice thing to do.”

She thought of their conversation the night before, how he wanted someone to just go do normal things with, someone who was a companion, not just someone to have sex with or have romantic feelings toward. He wanted someone to live his life with.

She smiled and nodded. “Okay. I think it would be nice too.”

“Really?” he said.

“Yeah, besides, it’s always a plus to see you bundled up.”

He smiled back. “Okay.”

An hour later and a quick trip on the light rail later, the two of them made their way to a small farm just outside of the city. It reminded Shepard of home, of growing up tending to animals and crops. The crisp fall air and smell of dirt and nature brought back countless happy memories. She worried that after her dream last night, maybe this was a bad idea. But instead, she felt at ease.

Kaidan took her hand and led her toward the front of the orchard, and she leaned into him. He bought two bags for them to place their apples in, and led her down the rows of trees.

“Alright, remember,” he said, “the best apples are at the top of the tree.”

She rolled her eyes. “Then I assume you’re going to let me go all spider monkey on you and climb up there?”

“What?”

“I might need a boost if that’s what your game plan is. You ready to help?”

“Hell no, you’re not climbing all over me. You’re the strong one here,” he said, “I’ll climb on _you_.”

She laughed. “Right, I’d like to see how well that goes. Alright, enough talk. I like honey crisps, so I need to pick myself a few.”

Kaidan stepped closer to a tree full of apples, and skimmed for clean and ripe ones. Shepard twisted two perfect apples off and slid them into her bag. Kaidan took a few himself, and rubbed the dirt off on the bottom of his shirt.

“Don’t eat that without washing it,” she said.

He took a bite anyway, like a giant idiot. “Come on, it’s fine.”

“You’re going to get some kind of disease. Scurvy maybe.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, you know, Shepard, I don’t think I’m going to get scurvy from this apple, but thanks for the concern.”

She dragged him out from under the tree and toward the next section of apples.

“We’re not getting golden or red delicious,” he asserted. “They’re far from delicious and an insult to apples everywhere.”

Shepard laughed and nodded. “Deal. I didn’t realize you had such firm issues with apples.”

“Just those ones. The rest can stay.”

They wandered their way through the orchard together, hand in hand, only breaking at especially promising trees to take their picks. Their bags were beginning to fill, and Kaidan told her that he knew how to make lots of apple desserts, from pie to bread with their excess amount of fruit, and even asked her to join in on it and help out. If this was the kind of normal Kaidan was looking for out of life, she was beginning to love the idea.

Near the back of the orchard, away from other apple pickers and farmers, the two picked a soft spot on the grass and took a seat to rest for a bit. They set their bags of apples down and leaned back. Shepard glanced over and watched Kaidan for a moment. He was bundled up in a thick flannel jacket, with a black beanie pulled over his curls, and his cheeks were just slightly red from the cold, and she could see his breath as he breathed in and out.

“This was nice,” she said.

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s not over yet,” he teased. “We still need to attack the jams and jellies in the little farmhouse there. That, and the cider donuts.”

She rolled her eyes. “God you’re going to blow your whole paycheck on apples and pumpkin butter, aren’t you?”

He nodded. “I’m the definition of a responsible adult.”

She smiled back and rested her head on his chest. “We should do this more often.”

“Well, Shepard, there’s only like… a few more weeks for apples to really be in picking season…. So…”

“Shut up,” she said, and tilted his chin down to look at her. “I love you.”

He cupped her cheek and nodded. “I love you too.”

She leaned in and pressed her lips to his, and pulled herself closer to him. His lips were cold, and he shivered as they kissed. She slowly moved away, and pressed a kiss to his nose.

“You looked chilly.”

He shook his head. “Nah, I’m perfectly warm.”

She grabbed his hands and wrapped them around hers to keep herself warm and smiled. “Yeah… me too.”

There was no need to rush back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fluff while you can children. You never know if there's sads right around the corner. Just sayin'. You never know.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty guys, here comes the angst. Though, not without some cute moments sprinkled throughout :) Enjoy!

 

Shepard rolled over in bed, and snuggled herself closer in Kaidan’s arms. When she first heard that the heating in the building sat at a nice fixed sixty-eight degrees, it didn’t seem so bad, but as winter approached, she dreaded getting out of bed more and more. Though, it wasn’t so bad when Kaidan was here, or when she spent nights in his room.

“You’re getting your cold little hands on me,” he groaned into the pillow.

She smiled and snuggled against him more, weaving her way between his legs and entangling with him completely. He shifted.

“What are you even trying to do?”

“I’m cold.”

“Clearly, you little monster.”

Kaidan opened his eyes more and glanced down at her. He tilted her chin up and pressed his lips against hers. She kissed him back and wove her fingers in his hair. She felt his tongue slide against hers and his hands sliding down her body, clutching her waist and sliding himself on top of her. She parted her legs and let him move between, and wrapped them around his body. Kaidan’s lips dragged down her jaw, his scruff brushing her soft skin and sending chills all over her body. He kissed harder, pressing his entire body to hers. She tilted her head back and offered him more skin to kiss.

Her hands wandered underneath the waistband of his boxers, and she turned him onto his back. She grinded her hips against his, where he was already yearning for her to keep going, and he moaned her name.

“Shh,” she whispered. “Don’t wake Ashley.”

Sweat rose to his skin and she watched the muscles in his neck tighten, and him fidget under her grip. Shepard reached to the bottom of his t-shirt and slipped it over his head. She began to kiss down his chest, taking her time and being more than generous, and she could sense him appreciating each one.

Her hands slipped below his boxers again, and she ran her thumb along his length and felt him shiver. Her lips moved lower and lower, kissing the lower part of his stomach and watching him squirm as she neared exactly where he wanted it. She pushed down his boxers just enough and took him into her mouth, feeling his entire body tense up. Kaidan leaned his head back and whimpered her name as she drew him closer and closer to a release.

He slid his hand down to her, and guided her motions to find a rhythm that worked best for both of them. She could sense him losing his control, and slowly pulled herself away from him, leaving him shivering and hungry for more. Kaidan reached into his nightstand and pulled out a condom, letting Shepard ease it over him. He turned her over and pulled the covers on top of their bodies again.

Their lips and bodies came together, and no matter how close they were, Shepard still wanted him closer. He made love to her slowly and quietly, tangled in the sheets, only breaking from their kissing to giggle as someone’s foot got caught in the comforter or if the bed began to creak too loud. She felt privileged to have him in these truly gentle moments, just the two of them and their quiet gasps and moans, and loving kisses. 

As they both came down from their highs, and settled after back in bed, before Kaidan could pull her close, Oleg jumped on the bed and wiggled his way right between the two of them.

“Hey, buddy,” Kaidan said. “You know, you’re being a bit of a cock block here.”

Oleg rolled onto his back and mewled at his human. Shepard laughed and rubbed the cat’s belly.

“Hey, you already got laid. Don’t blame the kitty,” she mumbled, snuggling in closer to the fat cat. Oleg rolled into her and curled up nice and close with her.

“Thank god you’re not allergic,” he said, “because this beast sheds like… well… a beast.”

Oleg meowed again, and Kaidan moved closer. He rubbed the back of the cat’s head, and he began to purr happily.

“What a happy little family,” Shepard teased.

“Oh yes, us and our giant cat child. Isn’t that right, little dude?”

“Though, maybe when we have our  _ own  _ kids, they will shed a little less.”

He nodded. “I think that’s a safe bet.”

She cupped his cheek and pressed her lips to his over the cat. As she pulled away, he moved closer and kissed her again.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too, baby girl. So much.”

“I think we have to get ready for work.”

He rolled his eyes. “Psh, why go to work when I have my two loves right here?”

Oleg mewled happily, and Shepard didn’t object. Just let him stay curled up with them for another few minutes.

 

***

 

“Hackett wants to talk to you,” Miranda said, walking back to the help desk. It was near the end of his shift, and he was more than exhausted from a day full of sifting through computer parts and fixing busted desktops.

“About?” he asked, looking up from a customer’s cracked iPhone.

“Not sure. Probably just changes they need to make from corporate,” she said, smiling. “Maybe you’re getting a raise or promotion… just as long as you don’t take  _ my  _ job.”

He smiled back. “Mm yeah, wouldn’t that suck? You’d hate to have me on your level.”

“Damn straight. Though, think of all you could do with a raise,” she teased.

Kaidan turned around in his chair, and stood up. He smoothed out his khakis and polo shirt, and headed into the back to talk with Hackett. Hackett had always been a very accommodating boss, and had offered Kaidan several raises in the few years he’d been here. It had helped out on months where he was falling behind on loan payments and paying rent stretched him thin. Though, Miranda mentioning a raise offered plenty of exciting prospects. Lots of things he could buy and do, things to work toward. 

He stepped into Hackett’s office and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

“Kaidan,” he said, and his voice didn’t sound quite right.

Kaidan swallowed. “Miranda said you wanted to talk to me?”

Hackett sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Look, we’ve gotten new changes and orders from the higher ups for all the regional stores, and I’ve got to let you all know what’s going on and what’s going to be changing around here.”

“Alright,” he said.

“Corporate wants us to add more people to our roster and hire some more people, especially in the IT department.”

“Okay, so there’s going to be more people working…”

It didn’t sound like a bad idea. They could really increase the speed at which they worked through cases and repairs, and having someone else who could help them alternate working the phones would probably stunt Kaidan’s premature graying.

Hackett sighed and shook his head. “In order to meet the quotas they’re looking for, many of our employees are going to be looking at some considerable hours cut, unfortunately.”

“And I’m one of them?” he said hesitantly.

Hackett nodded. Kaidan felt sweat rise to his skin, and his blood run cold. He took in a deep breath and looked down. There had to be more to this, some plus side, something that Hackett could offer him to remedy it. It couldn’t  _ just  _ be bad news.

“Look, Kaidan, I don’t  _ want  _ to do it. You know I don’t. Nobody on staff has a single complaint about you, and you’ve been doing great. We’ve just been severely understaffed for several months now, and the regional manager thinks we really need to up our numbers.”

He thought that maybe if it were a minor cutback, he could make something work. It would be tight for a while, but it could work. Perhaps if he sucked it up for a few pay periods, he could get a promotion and a raise in time.

“Do you think there’s any chance this is temporary?”

“I would hope so, kid. Perhaps in a few months to year I’ll be able to give you a raise or promotion to get things back where they should be, but in the foreseeable future? No… I don’t think there’s very much I can do to help you out. They’re tying my hands on this one.”

“And how much do you think my hours will be cut?”

Hackett paused for a moment, and let out a deep breath. “Probably by half.”

Kaidan thought of all the things that would be directly impacted by this decision, and none of it was making him feel better. He’d default on student loans, and he wouldn’t be able to pay his rent anymore. On top of that, his personal life would be a mess. There’d be no more taking Shepard on dates or going out and having a social life, because he’d hardly be able to keep a roof over his head. And he knew that taking a second job was out of the question…

“Are you sure there’s  _ nothing  _ you can do?” he asked, trying not to show how badly his voice was shaking. “Anything? Look, I just… don’t think I can pay my rent and my bills if I’m not working at least the hours I have now.”

“Kaidan, I’m sorry.”

He paused and swallowed his anxiety. “It’s okay. I’ll figure something out.”

“If you want to head out early, I’ll pay you for the full shift anyway.”

Kaidan stood up from the chair and made his way to the door, though his knees felt completely weak and he felt like he was going to throw up. Miranda wasn’t there, and he was glad. He didn’t want to have to tell her, not in the state he was in now. All he wanted was to go home, that way he could react however he wanted without being judged. 

As he passed the Alliance gym on his walk home, he debated going in to talk to Shepard about it for a bit. He knew she was working until about six, and after that would probably come over to his place to catch up for the day. She’d probably let him come in and let out his frustration somehow, even if just sitting with him in a secluded corner of the gym to talk through things. It was what he knew he needed, but the thought of facing her to tell her what had happened was just too daunting. He needed to figure out how to break it to her.

When he arrived home, Ashley was seated on the couch watching TV, clearly de-stressing from her day teaching. She’d been assigned to a fourth grade class, and was still sitting in her fancy teacher clothes, though she’d let her hair down and kicked off her shoes.

“Sup, buddy?” she asked as he walked in.

He swallowed and didn’t answer. Ash turned around at his silence and looked up at him. She studied him for a few moments, and softened. It must have been the absent look on his face, or however blank he might have looked. It felt as if his mind and body just weren’t there. No part of him was himself anymore, just full of dread.

“What happened? Is it work?”

He clenched his fists and leaned against the door, and slowly lowered himself to the ground. He just didn’t have it in him to stand anymore. It took everything not to cry, not to break down or show how scared he truly was, even though he knew if he could be honest with anyone, it was Ashley.

“Hey, hey, hey… what’s going on?” she said, rushing around the couch and sitting in front of him on the ground. She rested her hands on his thighs and slid close to him. “You can tell me, no matter what it is.”

“They cut my hours,” he said, quietly, and shut his eyes.

“What?”

“They cut my hours in half, and there’s not a single thing I can do about it.”

Ashley sat there, confused and clearly almost as upset as he was. “I don’t get it. Why  _ you _ ?”

“They need to increase staff. I’m not a manager or anything higher up, so I’m screwed.”

Ashley didn’t need to hear all the reasons he was afraid, because she already knew. Any normal person would have freaked out at the prospect of their roommate failing to pay rent, and Kaidan would have expected most normal people to back away the moment financial crisis popped up. But Ash didn’t.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “What… what are you going to do?”

He shook his head and swallowed the tears stinging his eyes. “Ash, I have no idea. There’s nothing I  _ can  _ do. I won’t be able to pay my bills, I can’t pay rent, I won’t be able to go out and do  _ anything _ . I… I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“Look, we can think of a way to make this better, okay? I know we can,” she said.

Angrily, he stood up and paced into the living room. It was anger she didn’t deserve. “Like what, Ash? What the hell am I supposed to do? My options are to get a new job, and hope to god it pays as much as the job I’ve been at for years, which it won’t, or… I don’t know. Move back in with my parents. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Ashley stepped forward and grabbed his shaking hands, pulling him closer to the couch. He fought it at first, but followed and sat down beside her. She smoothed her hands through his hair and cupped his cheeks.

“Don’t talk about it for a second. Just take a moment to calm down, okay? You’re panicking. Come here.”

She pulled him into her arms and tilted his head into her shoulder. Warm tears leaked down his face and he gripped at the fabric of her shirt. He hadn’t felt this helpless since after Owen broke up with him. Then, days and nights had melded together, and he hardly remembered much but the worst moments, the worst breakdowns. And Ash had been there for nearly every single one, and she never backed away once. Not when he spent hours in tears, asking her over and over again why he wasn’t good enough, or lashing out when she didn’t deserve it, because sometimes he just wanted to not be the only one hurting.

He let out a single sob and she held onto him tighter. She ran her fingers through his hair and didn’t let him go. He curled himself into her, desperate for the kind of comfort she was so trained to give. His hands stopped shaking as long as he was holding onto her. He could breathe as long as he had her to guide him. Ashley was the one person he knew would never leave him, the one person he knew without a doubt loved him for exactly who he was. He had never once questioned it.

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay… I know you are.  _ You  _ know you are.”

He sniffled away his tears as much as he could, and tried to speak, but couldn’t. She pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head and ran her hand up and down his back until his breathing evened out and he could speak or function normally.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

“Any time,” she said, wiping away the remains of his tears.

“Ash, what am I going to do?”

She thought for a moment, and pulled the box of tissues closer to them. She passed him one, and kept her own in her hand to dab away at his still damp cheeks.

“You could take on a second job for now,” she said.

He shook his head and felt his eyes flood with tears again. “You  _ know  _ that’s not an option.”

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “Kaidan…”

“I can’t do that. I can’t.”

“Shepard isn’t Owen. If you tell her what’s going on, you know she’s going to understand. She’s going to help you find a way to make this all work. You know that. She isn’t going to leave you.”

He swallowed whatever tears he could. “I just don’t know how to tell her. I don’t want her to look at me and think I’m a failure. I don’t have much of a career, living just about paycheck to paycheck. I want her to see me as someone she could have a life with. A future with. If I take another job, I’ll have less time with her, and maybe time for her to realize all that.”

Ash sighed. “Let me tell you the biggest thing that separates Shepard and Owen…”

“Okay.”

“She’s a good fucking person.”

Kaidan let out a laugh, and Ash smiled seeing him lighten up. “It’s true. And if you just talk to her and work through it, I don’t see how it could be a problem.”

“Maybe.”

“Look, whatever it is, we’re going to get through it. We’ll figure out how to make the rent work until you’re making more money, and it’s going to be okay.”

He nodded warily. “Okay.”

“And know that I love you. You never have to deal with anything on your own.”

Ash tilted his head up, and kissed his forehead. Kaidan mumbled a thanks to her, as best as he could.

“Now,” she added, “just relax for the rest of the afternoon. Once Shepard gets off work, I’ll order takeout. Your pick.”

He spent the rest of his afternoon on the couch, zoned out and with Oleg sitting beside him. The cat - as stupid as he was sometimes - was well trained to Kaidan’s bad days. After Owen left him, Oleg started sleeping closer, nuzzling himself against Kaidan’s arms and body when he wanted to be petted, and bringing Kaidan small clumps of fabric he’d scratched up from the rug as presents. 

Shortly after Shepard’s shift ended, she arrived at the apartment, fresh out of the shower and hungry, judging by her enthusiasm when Ashley suggested takeout. Kaidan suggested Chinese, since eating his feelings in lo mein sounded like a really safe and enjoyable plan. Shepard placed her order with Ash, and made her way over to the living room, where he was sitting.

He wondered if he could avoid her long enough to figure out a solution, but clearly it wasn’t going to happen. He hated himself for even being scared to talk to Shepard about it. He  _ knew  _ he could trust her, but wasn’t ready to face her disappointment. He thought of all he wanted to do for her, to do with her. He wanted to take her away on a nice vacation, treat her to nice dinners and exciting dates, maybe buy an engagement ring when finances were stable enough. 

“Hey,” she said, coming over to the couch and pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

“Hey,” he managed to reply.

“Bad day?”

He nodded and Shepard took a seat next to him. She reached her hand over and took his, and gave it a squeeze. “Well, then how about we take the night to just relax, okay? Just you and me… maybe a little bit of Ashley.”

Shepard leaned back on the couch and invited him to lay up against her. He sighed and scooted closer. He slid between her legs and rested his head on her chest, wrapping his arms around her body. He gripped at her soft t-shirt and held onto her tightly.

“Ah,” she gasped, and quickly reached for her side. She winced in pain and readjusted his grip on her. He looked up and studied her to figure out what was so wrong.

“What is it?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine. Must have just pulled something at work today. I’m all good. Come here.”

She snuggled against him, and she ran her hand up and down his back. He shut his eyes and listened to her heart beating in her chest. As she held him, and played with his hair, it was hard for him to imagine her having a bad response to his bad news. He squeezed her tighter, minding the injury on her side, and he hoped it was enough for her to stay.

“Do you want to talk about it, baby?”

Kaidan felt his chest tighten, and he knew if his eyes were open, they’d be flooded with tears. Of course he wanted to talk about it, have someone he loved so much assure him that everything would be okay. Maybe if he told her, he’d believe it himself. 

But instead, he shook his head. “Not now.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “You don’t need to. Just know that I’m here, whatever it is. I love you.”

He sighed. “I love you too. So much.”

She hummed something sweet and loving against his skin. “Well, do you want to hear about  _ my  _ day?”

Kaidan smiled and nodded. “Knock yourself out.”

“ _ Well _ ,” she began, “I got in, and the coffee machine was broken, and James was already there so I couldn’t ask him to pick me something up on the way. And then I had a 10am session with that one lady who makes me demonstrate pushups for ten minutes each session-.”

“Linda?” he asked.

She smiled. “Yes, her. Anyway, Linda came in, and at the time was on the phone with her son, whose name I think is Brenden, which just  _ sounds  _ like the most annoying child ever and he probably has a perpetual fruit punch mustache on his upper lip. But yeah, so she’s yelling at Brenden to find his athletic cup in the dishwasher, and causing a fiasco. So she hangs up, and tells me all about it, and asks me for the eighth time since we’ve been working together if my kids do these kinds of things to me. I nicely reminded her that I don’t have kids, and am not even married. So then she told me how I need to find a man and settle down because it’s easier to lose baby weight when you’re still young and spry.”

Kaidan laughed under his breath and curled into her. “I’m sorry you had to listen to all that.”

“I suppose it was better than her telling me the gory details of giving birth. Which she has. Twice. She forgot she told me the first time. But yeah we’re not having kids for a while.”

He nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good to me.”

She continued to tell him all about her day, and all that went on at the gym as they laid there, curled up and snuggling. Once their dinner came, Shepard put his on a plate, and ushered him into his room so that they could have a bit of alone time together. Ash had been great at giving them space, but he didn’t want her feeling confined to her room any longer.

They sat down on Kaidan’s bed, across from one another. Kaidan slurped his noodles and his shaky hands fiddling helplessly with chopsticks, while Shepard stabbed the wonton in her wonton soup violently. Finally, he spoke up.

“Can we talk about what happened today?”

She looked up and nodded. “Of course. What’s up?”

He swallowed and shut his eyes. “My hours got cut.”

She was quiet for a moment, and sighed. “Oh, Kaidan...”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He knew Shepard well enough to know that she’d never blame him, never make this harder than it needed to be. She didn’t look at him like she was disappointed in him, or like this was something they couldn’t get through, and in some ways, it scared him. He was so braced for the worst that maybe he was afraid of being wrong. Maybe it meant he was valid to guard himself.

“I… I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said, “and to be honest, I’m really scared.”

She nodded. “I understand. But look, we don’t have to sit around and come up with a game plan right now. Nothing is going to get fixed right this second, okay? You just need to breathe and take this one day at a time. We’re going to get through it.”

She set her food down and reached over to his hands. She clutched them and scooted forward on his bed. He swallowed, but tears leaked down his face anyway, and he tried his best to sniffle them away.

“Thanks.”

She nodded. “We’re going to be okay. I promise.”

There were so many other things he wanted to say to her, but he knew it was useless.  _ Don’t leave me, please forgive me, please don’t hurt me the way he did. _ There was no way to genuinely plead for those things he desperately needed to hear without seeming like some kind of insecure monster, one she’d choose to leave anyway. It would do more damage to say anything.

She gently wiped his tears away, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. As she pulled away and they went back to eating dinner, his phone buzzed, and he glanced down at the message from Miranda. 

_ I might know some people who can get you a job. _


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan makes mistakes, is generally a failure of a human. James and Miranda are cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's the beginning of the end, folks. I think you guys know the angst is coming, so here's the sucker punch. But not before James and Miranda can be real damn precious together.
> 
> Thank you guys for all the support and feedback <3

Kaidan found a seat in the coffee shop, somewhere secluded and quiet for when his guests decided to join him. He’d already bought two espresso shots, and was beginning to feel the rush moving through him. Though, it could have just been nerves. He knew he should have settled on something less aggressive… something nice like iced tea.

His eyes were fixed on the door, but he didn’t want to end up making awkward eye contact as they walked in. He wanted to be casual, just glance over his shoulder when the bell above the door rang, and wave them over to his table. And most of all, he didn’t want to seem desperate.

He pulled out his phone and tried to look busy, and to distract himself from having an anxiety attack. He had one unread message from Shepard, telling him to check his Snapchat, which he still didn’t really know how to work. She’d forced him to get one when she discovered it, and since, she’d been relentless with trying to take pictures of him with weird dog filters and whatnot. The video was six seconds of her throwing a giant medicine ball at an unsuspecting James, who grumbled and fell over.

For a moment, it made him feel better, knowing Shepard was thinking about him, but it also stung that she didn’t even know where he was, or what he was doing. Things had been… difficult since his hours were cut, and it had only been a few days. But he knew it was entirely his fault. He’d closed off, withdrawn into himself in the way he promised he wouldn’t. He’d been distant around everyone, even Shepard, but it didn’t stop her from trying. She’d spent each night with him, and took care of him when she could sense stress weighing on him too heavily. They hadn’t been particularly intimate either, nothing more than curling up in bed together and soft kisses. He knew his heart just wouldn’t have been in it, and she deserved more than that.

He felt stifled and uncomfortable in his button down and slacks. He hadn’t worn anything like this for work… well… probably since college, at an unpaid internship at a tech company that started to struggle at the time and couldn’t offer him a job. Maybe if the economy had been better, he would have had a steady, real career right out of college. And hell, if he’d just gone to college in Canada, he  _ really  _ wouldn’t have had this problem.

The bell rang, and he turned around, spotting Brynn and Edi entering the coffee shop. He waved them over to the booth near the back he’d grabbed. He straightened up, and hoped to god he wasn’t sweating through his shirt. The ladies found him, grabbed drinks, and took a seat across from him.

“Hello, Kaidan. We’re so glad you got in touch with us,” Brynn said. 

He’d found out from Miranda that she was the one who followed up with Crucible immediately after hearing about his hours, and as it turned out, they were still looking for engineers. He didn’t know yet if he wanted to thank her, or to worry about what kind of rabbit hole she’d gotten him into. Though, if it involved a steady, higher paycheck, maybe he didn’t have a choice.

“No, thank you guys. I’m glad we could find a time to talk.”

Edi pulled out his resume from her bag and set it on the table between the both of them. “After quite a bit of looking it over, your resume is definitely impressive. A 4.0 in high school  _ and  _ college, interned at the same tech company for two years, and we’ve seen your skills in action. You clearly know your way around operating systems and software. Why is it that you’re still at Best Buy?”

Brynn choked on her drink. “Edi, not the most tactful.”

“Sorry,” she said.

But she didn’t need to apologize. He was aware how it looked. How did a kid work his ass off that hard all through school, only to not end up with anything to show for it nearly eight years later? Maybe it was rejecting his parents financial help after graduation, agreeing to pay his loans entirely on his own, or the economy taking a sharp downturn just months before he graduated college? It had seemed easier to wait tables, work odd jobs to take care of as much as he could now, and worry about the rest later. But between that, and Owen loving how open his schedule could be, he stayed the course and didn’t search for more.

“No, no, I get what you’re saying. I think a lot of it was me looking more so at the immediate future, and knowing if I worked a certain amount of hours, I could make a living. When I graduated, I had a lot of difficulty finding steadier jobs, and needed the income. I just ended up doing it a bit longer than I intended on. However, I learned a ton doing IT. I’d say I got exponentially better, and far more familiar with my areas of expertise, and I think I’m ready to find something steady, something to make a real career out of.”

“Well, it looks like you are too,” Edi said. “What do you know about Crucible, and what do you like about the company?”

He straightened up. “Crucible is a startup tech company, mostly specializing in software development. I like what you guys have been working on in regards to apps and web design, but I also know you are looking to expand to do something broader, and develop an operating system that can compete with the big names, iOS, Windows, Linux. I think I can help with that, or at the very least be a valuable asset to current projects.”

The ladies exchanged a glance, and Brynn folded her hands. “Look, Kaidan, we’re very interested in you. When we spoke to Miranda and Steven Hackett, they both had glowing things to say about you. They told us how hard you’re always willing to work, and that your proficiency is through the roof. We’re looking for people like that to come work for us.”

“Our entry level developer jobs are full time, ten to six, Monday to Friday, pays for lunch…” she said, and wrote down a figure on a napkin to pass to him. Kaidan glanced down at the numbers, and swallowed, trying not to show any shock or surprise.

“That’s the salary?”

Both of them nodded. Just running quick numbers in his head, he knew it was more than double what he was making annually at his current job, and that was the  _ starting  _ salary. 

“We imagine it’s a little more than Best Buy is paying you.”

“Just a little,” he said. His mind was already running with all the things he’d be able to do with that kind of paycheck. He’d never be late on a loan payment, and his rent would be no worry. He could take Shepard on the vacation they’d been talking about, and wouldn’t have to limit their locations, and maybe, just maybe he could think about marriage without starting to sweat all the details and costs that would entail. It was a step in the right direction to having a  _ life  _ with Shepard.

In time, they could move out of their places, get something of their own, settle down, maybe start a family. It was the kind of life he’d been hoping would fall into place. 

“However,” Edi began, “we are not the be all end all of this decision, and you  _ would  _ have to come into our office to interview with our bosses. Though, I’m mostly sure they would be willing to offer you a position on the spot.”

He nodded. “Okay, I can do that.”

“Our headquarters is located in Virmire-.”

“Wait,” he interrupted, “Virmire isn’t even in state. I would have to fly there.”

She nodded. “We would be willing to cover the cost, and put you up in the city for the night.”

“I was under the impression that Crucible was a local company.”

“We would like to be,” Edi continued. “Right now, our main office is in Virmire, and Brynn and I have been recruiting and scouting, so operating out of smaller satellite offices. Though, if hired, you would more than likely be working in the Virmire office.”

His heart had started to race, and he was chastising himself for not noticing this was too good to be true. How stupid could he have been for thinking this dream job, that would give him the biggest paycheck he’d ever seen would actually work out as flawlessly as he intended?  _ Of course _ , he would have to compromise somewhere. 

He couldn’t imagine up and leaving now. Now, there was too much to leave behind. He hadn’t lived with anyone but Ashley in years, and leaving her behind would hurt like nothing else. He knew that there was always a chance, but he presumed he wouldn’t have to think about it for years. There was enough going on where he was that he wouldn’t  _ need  _ to leave. He knew no matter where they were, he’d always have her, but chose not to think of it.

And then there was Shepard. There was no way he could ask her to uproot herself for him. He’d been the person who was so willing to do it for someone else, and never would be again. And he didn’t want anyone to make the same choices he nearly would have. He imagined telling her that he’d found his dream job, that would magically make all of his problems go away, but it would also make him go away too. He knew it meant there was no way they could be together. How could he possibly tell her that he would have to choose her or a job?

He thought of a life without her, and knowing that this time it really  _ was  _ his fault, and couldn’t bear it.

So maybe for now, it was best to not tell her anything.

 

***

“It’s cleaner than I imagined,” Miranda said. 

James frowned and crossed his arms. “Oh come on.”

She smiled. “I’m kidding. Sort of.”

James’ apartment was small, much smaller than hers, but it was very fitting for someone like him. The colors were warm, unlike her white and gray, cold walls. Of course, she liked it just fine, but she thought maybe now it was time to bring in some color. The studio consisted of a kitchen, living room, lofted bedroom, and apparently home gym, all in one room. He’d put his bed up top, and underneath, fit some workout equipment. His couch faced an unused fireplace, but a flat-screen TV sat on top of the mantle. 

“Come on,  _ bonita _ , you didn’t come back to my place just to make fun of it.”

Miranda swallowed. She didn’t know  _ why  _ she’d come back here. They’d gone out for dinner, and had a nice date. The third date, to be exact. They’d hung out in between those dates, mostly during the day. She’d gone out to lunch with him a few times, and he’d come over to her place before going out with friends as a group. But something made her trust that this was okay.

Coming back to someone’s place after a date had always insinuated sex before, and while it wasn’t always a bad thing, it wasn’t what she wanted. Far from it. This was James, who had given her the chance to just be herself, and not be afraid of the expectations. He was  _ happy  _ with her. 

“No, I came back because I didn’t want to leave you.”

He softened, and gave an easy smile. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Now, make yourself comfortable. I’ll grab us some beers and we can chill for the night.”

Miranda slid her shoes off and took a seat on the couch. James brought over two beers and placed them on coasters - which she found strangely endearing, since she hadn’t known any other man in his early twenties that would care about the state of his coffee table. He sat down beside her and pulled a blanket from the top of his couch. He laid it over them, and let her crawl closer and snuggle into his arms. 

James flipped on the TV and started skimming through the movie channels, where they settled on  _ Jurassic Park _ . James had gotten overly excited when he saw it playing on the movie channels, and Miranda knew there was little arguing. But if she was being honest, she didn’t care much what they ended up watching. She was happy to be there no matter what.

She rested her head against James’ chest and curled up against him, and as if it were the most natural thing in the world, his arms wrapped around her. One of his hands rested on her back, and he gently began to play with the ends of her hair unceremoniously. Occasionally, he’d break to softly kiss the top of her head.

There had only been a few dates, and it hadn’t even been that long, but she was truly happy spending time with James. She hadn’t felt this kind of ease with another partner before, and in some ways, it scared her. She wondered if something terrible was coming, but hardly took a long enough break from being thankful to really think much of it.

As they began to grow tired of staring at the TV, they turned their attention to one another. Miranda slid closer to him and tilted his head down, pulling him into a slow kiss. His hands moved down her body to the small of her back, as hers wrapped around his neck. He kissed her harder, hungry and desperate for more. Her lips moved down his jaw, and found the inked lines on his skin, kissing along his tattoos. James tilted his head back and sighed her name. She nibbled at the skin on his neck and he held onto her tighter.

Sweat rose to his skin, and he shut his eyes, and she read all of it to figure out what to do next. It was nice to have the privilege of taking it slow, being with someone who wasn’t going to leave her the second she didn’t put out. James cupped her face and directed her back to his lips. She lost track of how many times she kissed him, or how many he kissed her, but it was enough to get them to reach the end of the movie.

James pulled away as the credits ran, and met her eyes. Miranda rested her forehead against his, and he pressed a soft kiss to her nose. 

“So, what now?” she asked.

James shrugged. “There are two more  _ Jurassic Park _ movies…”

She laughed. “I’m not watching them tonight. Maybe another night. More than enough dinosaurs for me.”

“You can never have too many dinosaurs.”

“If you say so,” she said, going in for another kiss. As she did, her eyes caught something on the wall near his home gym. She looked up.

“Is that… is Shepard’s face taped onto that picture of… Rocky?”

James looked back in the direction of his gym, and nodded. “Oh… yeah it is.”

Miranda laughed under her breath and climbed off of him to go investigate. He followed and watched her. Sure enough, it was a picture of Shepard’s face taped over a very dramatic picture of Sylvester Stallone, muscles bared and ready to kick ass.

“She put it there one day, and told me I wasn’t allowed to ever take it off. And I don’t want to know what happens if I don’t do as Shepard says.”

Miranda shrugged. “Yeah, I can’t see that going well.”

“Alright, now the rules are, if you enter Muscle Beach, you gotta drop and give me twenty.”

Miranda turned around and folded her arms in front of her chest. “Excuse me?”

“You entered the gym, you gotta do it,  _ bonita.  _ Everyone does. Except Ashley. When she was here, she was a little drunk already and that’s a hazard.”

“No way. I’m not doing pushups.”

“Sit ups?”

She sighed, and got on the ground. She leaned against one of the yoga mats and put her hands behind her head. James moved over her and put his hands on her feet so she wouldn’t move too much.

“You know what to do?” he asked.

She rolled her eyes “James…”

“Okay, okay. Knock yourself out.”

She began to do crunches, each one all the way up and without much struggle. James seemed… amused to say the least watching her, but also impressed. She smirked.

“You like what you see?” 

He smiled. “Well, just a little.”

She finished her twenty sit ups, and as she hit the last one, she reached for James and pulled him into a kiss. His grip on her feet softened and he moved forward, sliding himself between her legs. It was slow at first, soft gentle kisses, until he sucked in a breath and drew her closer to him. His muscles pressed against her body, and she drew her hands down his body. She teased with the bottom of his t-shirt, and she felt him nod that it was okay to take it off. They broke from their kissing for a split second to take his shirt off. 

Her eyes skimmed over his skin, dark and smooth, scattered tattoos on his body. His muscles were pristine, and she’d never been that into buff men before, but the sight of James shirtless excited her like she wasn’t expecting. He moved lower, kissing her neck, and letting his scruff drag against her skin. She leaned her head back, giving him more skin to kiss and gasped his name.

James slowly reached for her shirt and pulled it over her head, and examined her body. He didn’t look at her with hunger or lust, just pure adoration, and care, and she could sense it as his rough fingers brushed over her bare skin. He returned to kissing her, his hands cupping her breasts and hers sliding below his waist.

He pulled away for a moment and breathed her in.

“We can stop, if you want,” she said.

He nodded. “I know.”

“Do you want to?”

“Maybe for now, yeah. I just want to make sure that we get this right.”

She smiled. “Yeah.”

His lips formed words but they didn’t come out. “Miranda… I…”

“Hmm?”

He sighed and swallowed. “I want you.”

“And I want you.”

“Not… not like in a lusty way or whatever, but like… I want to date you.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Oh, like you want to be my boyfriend?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

She laughed softly. “Well, you could have just  _ said _ it.”

He frowned. “Okay, look, I told Kaidan to ask Shepard to be his girlfriend, and he said she made fun of him a little bit, so I was not about to make the same mistake. There’s no easy way to say it.”

Miranda laughed harder, and pulled him against her, and he lost his balance, falling onto the yoga mat beside her. He let out a grunt and reassembled himself beside her.

“You know, I’d like you to be my boyfriend too.”

He gave an easy smile and kissed the side of her head. “Glad to hear it.”

She curled into him and rested her head against his bare shoulder.

“You want to move this somewhere else… or?”

Miranda looked up at the wall and giggled. “No, I think I’d like to stay down here and look at Rocky Shepard some more.”

  
  



	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, enjoy the last happy chapter for a while, my dudes. It's not smooth sailing for now... Huge thanks to both elenafishersgf and xoalenko for giving this a read and helping me work out the kinks in it!

They hadn’t worn clothes all day.

They hadn’t really left Kaidan’s bed much either. 

Shepard had to suppose it was one of the perks of Ashley being at work for the day. The apartment was theirs to do whatever it was they wanted, and maybe it was exactly what they needed. Shepard could complain about a lot of things, but a day full of snuggling, napping, and sex wasn’t one of them.

Shepard knew all too well that something had been tugging at Kaidan - hard, too - for the past week, and she was pretty sure it tied directly to his hours getting cut. He’d closed off, distant, and she didn’t have a hard time imagining why. One moment they were talking about taking an exotic vacation together, and the next, he was figuring out how he was supposed to pay his bills and keep a roof over his head. It was enough to break anyone.

The week had been a blur, and she was still navigating how to work through it together. The first night, he’d been mostly silent, and all he wanted to do was hold her and fall asleep against her chest, so she let him. The night after, she had to wake him up from what she presumed was a bad dream, and held him until the panic was over. But he hadn’t let her bring it up since. After that, he was better, but still not himself. They’d spent nights curled up on the couch watching TV, making small talk and being as normal as they could be, but she could tell he was hurting. They’d retire each night to one of their beds, and go right to sleep, her holding him and reminding him that no matter what he did, she’d always be there. 

Each time she saw his sad, defeated eyes, and all he could manage was a sad, half-smile, she was reminded that in some ways, Owen had broken way more than his heart. She could see it in everything he did and said. He was terrified of her leaving him. Maybe that worry was always there, in the back of his mind, but turbulent times just brought it to the forefront. But she knew better than anyone, that scolding his insecurities and questioning them was the worst possible thing she could do.

Today was different… She woke up in his bed, the light pouring through his window, and her lips resting against his back and arms wrapped around his body. She woke him with kisses, and by playing with his hair, and it reassured her that things would be fine when he was willing to reciprocate that affection. It turned into making breakfast together, still half-dressed and half asleep, before pushing plates and utensils aside halfway through  _ Good Morning America  _ to carefully ease off clothing and make love to each other. The affection hadn’t been a momentary thing either; it hadn’t gone away.

“Good?” he asked, kissing the bare space below her ear, slowly moving down her neck. He held onto her tighter, making sure neither of them strayed far from their position in his lap. Each touch from him sent fire across her skin, and just made her want him more.

She nodded, and sighed his name, mostly by accident. She gripped the headboard behind him and grinded her hips against his again. His lips fell off of hers as he muttered a curse under his breath, and she could feel his heart racing inside his chest. He reached down and pulled his oversized t-shirt off of her and smoothed his hands down her body. His grip tightened at her curves, thumbs brushing over her breasts and slowly tracing the lines and muscles in her stomach. Chills rose to her skin at his gentle touch, and she leaned her head back as he went in to kiss her neck.

He rocked against her, carefully, and listened to her gasps and soft moans to determine if what he was doing was working. While they both loved Ashley dearly, there was no doubt that having her away for the day offered them certain privileges they normally didn’t have. It was rule of thumb that if they wanted to have sex at Kaidan’s, they needed to seriously keep it down. Sometimes it was all too sexy, watching Kaidan struggle to stay quiet, biting down on his lip, or her skin to keep from making noise, but the ability to do whatever they want was a welcome change.

She brought one hand to the back of his head and gripped his hair as she drew closer to a climax. She wrapped her legs around his body, and her toes curled in pleasure. He reached for her free hand and pulled it close to his chest as their fingers weaved together. His lips came off her neck and he pressed soft kisses to her knuckles. 

She felt him swallow hard and sweat rise to his skin. She guided his mouth back to hers, and pressed the gentlest kisses against his lips as they both came down from their highs. He whispered ‘I love you’ against her lips, and she’d simply responded with more kisses.

“What a rough day this has been,” he said, voice still shaking.

She smiled and kissed the side of his head. “I know. I just live to torture you.”

“Clearly,” he said, before slipping out of bed a moment to clean up. Shepard leaned back on the mattress and pulled the blankets around her body, eagerly waiting for him to come back and keep her warm. 

“C’mere,” he said, easing back down onto the mattress. She minded the pulled and aching muscles in her side and rested across from him. He slid an arm over her body and her thumb traced along his bottom lip. She looked up and examined his expression. His eyes were drooping, tired, but at peace. Finally. All she’d wanted for the past week was to just see him at ease, for him to take some weight off his shoulders. 

“Why are you staring at me?” he asked, shutting his eyes for just a moment.

She laughed under her breath. “Because you’re beautiful.”

“And so are you,” he said, opening his eyes again. His eyes danced over all the freckles on her chest and face, and she knew that he was thinking of kissing them all, never getting tired of having her. It was a calming feeling. 

He paused a moment, but then spoke. “What did you think the first time we met?”

She laughed under her breath. “I thought ‘damn, this guy has some great biceps’.”

He laughed too, looked down at his arms. “Really?”

“I mean, you were lifting. It was a little hard not to look. You might just have to work at Best Buy your whole life because I think you look real cute in that uniform.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. I think they’d let me keep one t-shirt so you could satisfy your thirst for dudes in royal blue polos.”

She kissed his nose. “No, only one dude in a royal blue polo. What did  _ you  _ think the first time we met?”

“You scared the hell out of me,” he said. “I was afraid if I let myself feel something, I’d just get hurt again.”

She nodded. “And now?”

“Oh I regret helping you move that box every day. What a handful you are.”

She laughed again and reached out for one of his hands. “I know, and I regret asking you. I should have just had Ashley do it.”

“I mean, could you imagine where either of us would be right now if you’d just picked a different apartment?” he said, kissing the back of her palm.

Shepard had looked at countless apartments, trying to find one that could feel like home. The night Shepard left her last real apartment had been single-handedly the worst night of her life. There were enough traumatic moments in her life that faded to a painful blur, but this one… she remembered every last detail. It’d helped when she’d been at the hospital and talked with police, but now she just wanted it gone from her memory. James had taken her back when they were both sure it was empty, and she’d shoved everything of hers that she couldn’t leave behind into his car, and never returned. She’d lived off of James’ couch for months and split rent with him, and that had felt safe for so long. But she couldn’t stay there forever. 

But her apartment was the first one to feel like home, and in her first days there, between meeting Kaidan and Ashley, she’d truly started to feel safe again on her own. She could thank them every day for as long as she lived, and it wouldn’t be enough.

“I don’t like to,” she said.

“Me either. I’d probably be moping around still, or considering what I know now, back with someone who wasn’t afraid at all to hurt me. Maybe even planning a wedding by this point.”

She reached out and caressed the side of his face. “No, you wouldn’t have. Because whether you know it now or not, you would have figured out that you were better than that. You would have realized how you deserve so much more. You didn’t need me to do that.”

“I guess I’m just lucky I got much more. I got you.”

Her eyes watered and she snuggled into him closer. “Yeah, you do.”

“And you have me,” he added.

She stayed there a moment, and rested her head against his chest. He sighed and took her in his arms, pressing soft kisses to the top of her head. There were times - just like this - where she’d feel his touch, hear him breathing next to her, and wonder how they’d really found one another. She’d look at him doing any mundane ordinary thing from sleeping to making them dinner and grabbing beers for the both of them, and just find such comfort knowing he was all hers. It was moments like this where she knew he was the one she would spend the rest of her life with.

“You seem better today,” she said.

He paused a moment, and nodded. “A bit.”

“Hey, it’s progress.”

“I can’t say I have a ton to complain about today. Neither of us have to leave for work, we get to sit around in bed all day, not wear pants… sounds like a great day off.”

“Yeah, pretty good day off for me too. At least until Ashley comes home.”

“Mm, that is a kink in our plans. Well… that and the fact that I’m nearly out of condoms.”

She laughed and nodded. “Yeah, that  _ is  _ a problem. The last thing either of us need right about now is some kind of unexpected surprise.”

“Yeah, you could say that again.”

She paused, and reached out for his hand, weaving her fingers between his. “We’d have some damn cute kids though.”

He squeezed her hand. “Yeah, I think we would too.”

She’d thought about it before, though always cautiously. She didn’t know what the point of thinking of a long term future with Kaidan was, if one didn’t exist. For a while, she chided herself whenever she had the smallest thoughts of marriage or settling down with him. She didn’t think of herself as a mother, not really. She didn’t see there ever being anyone she’d be willing to share that with, until now. But with Kaidan, the thought comforted her. It was all too easy to imagine him playing with a chubby, dark haired, freckled baby, teaching them to walk or taking cozy naps on the couch. He’d make a great dad, and she had to believe that maybe they could find a way to be successful together. 

“Do you think about that often?”

“Having kids?” he asked.

She nodded. “I mean, all of it. Marriage, babies, settling down.”

He propped himself up on his elbow. “Yeah.”

“Like what?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. I just do… generally, I guess? It makes me feel better sometimes, thinking about us. It’d be nice in time to get out of living in an apartment, buy a house. Maybe we have a baby or two, a dog… and Oleg of course.”

She glanced over her shoulder at the snoozing cat and smiled. “Yeah, can’t forget about him.”

“He’d never let me.”

She cupped Kaidan’s face and bit down on her lip. “What if Oleg doesn’t like our kids?”

Kaidan’s mouth fell open and he tried not to laugh. “How dare you insinuate such a thing.”

“I’m just saying. Some animals and babies don’t get along super well. It  _ could  _ be a problem.”

Shepard didn’t mention that Oleg was pretty old, and by the time they  _ did  _ have kids, there was a chance Oleg wouldn’t even be around anymore. But it wasn’t worth upsetting him over. 

“Well, it’s not going to be. Oleg’s gonna be on his best behavior. Besides, give it a few years, he’ll be even older and even more crotchety than he is now. He won’t be able to move.”

She pressed her lips to his nose and he snuggled her in his arms. “I love you.”

“I love you too, okay?”

She looked up at him. “Okay.”

“I want a life with you. I don’t think about my future and see anyone else at my side. I can’t.”

“I can’t either,” she whispered.

He tilted her head down and pressed his lips against hers. She slid between his legs and wrapped her arms around his neck, their kisses growing hungrier and desperate for more. His rough hands danced down her smooth skin, grabbing her waist and encircling her in his arms. She was so aware of all the places their bodies connected, from soft lips against soft lips, to the press of her breasts against his chest, and his fingertips sending shockwaves across her skin. Her nails dragged against his scalp and he moved his lips off of hers to gasp her name.

He carefully turned her over, and gave her a moment to comfortably settle on his mattress. He moved his lips down her neck, generously kissing and nipping at her skin. She leaned her head back and allowed him to proceed, his scruff brushing down her chest and stomach, leaving no spaces unkissed. He moved lower, his thumbs teasing the inside of her thighs. She shut her eyes and cursed under her breath. 

He parted her legs and slid between them, pressing hot kisses to her center as her body tensed up. She gripped his hair tighter and appreciated that for the moment she didn’t have to worry about being too loud or disturbing anyone. She felt Kaidan let out a content moan against her body and she guided him to continue. She swallowed hard and wrapped her legs around his body, desperate for more physical contact with him. Sweat rose to her skin and her mind lost all ability to focus on anything other than all the places he was touching her.

“Shit,” she muttered, and he laughed before going back to pushing her over the edge. “You’re way too good to me.”

Her back arched and he held her down harder, keeping her from squirming under his grip, no matter how badly she wanted to. As she felt heat rising all over body, and her senses heighten, she pulled his lips away from her center and drew him back up to her lips. She reached over into his nightstand and pulled out their one remaining condom and handed it to him.

“Alright, let’s make the last one worth it,” he said, his voice rough and raspy. 

She smiled and pulled him in for another kiss, before turning him over and pulling the covers on top of them.

 

***

Kaidan could still feel the warmth of Shepard’s touch through their gloved fingers. They walked hand in hand down the center of the city, looking into the elaborately decorated storefronts as snow flurries fell all around them. Once Ashley returned from work, the two decided to leave the house for a bit, admittedly going a bit stir crazy. 

“You think they could have gotten a better tree for the center of town?” Shepard grumbled. “There’s a giant hole in the side.”

Kaidan smiled and gripped her hand tighter. “It happens every year. What else did you expect?”

She frowned. “A tree without a hole in the side, for starters.”

He wished he had a better idea what their first Christmas together would look like. He’d imagined it plenty of times, but with even just a few weeks away, he still didn’t know what they’d really be doing, and they hadn’t really talked about it much. With Owen, his family wasn’t far. They could spend Christmas Eve together, and visit his family the next day, or vise versa, or even see them at any point during the week. One year, he’d come back to Vancouver with Kaidan, the first time he ever met his parents. 

Of course, he wanted to be with her for the holidays, but felt terribly guilty dragging her away from her own family.

But it wasn’t really the travelling or figuring out plans weighing on his mind. He knew that there was a solid chance, they wouldn’t even be together by the time Christmas rolled around, and the only person he could blame was himself. He didn’t know why he hadn’t told her yet, and was beginning to suspect he was just protecting himself. By now, he didn’t even know what to expect from her reaction. It had only been two days since he spoke with Brynn and Edi, and he was due to leave tomorrow. He was running out of time.

“Your tree doesn’t have holes in it,” she said.

He nodded. “It’s also fake.”

“Okay… well… still.”

He glanced over at her, and sucked in a breath. She looked so beautiful out in the snow. The sky and the ground were gray and pale with clouds and snow, but her bright red hair stuck out among all of it. It seemed to look too perfect, her bright red hair, big green eyes, all the colorful lights and decorations. Her cheeks and nose were pink with windburn, and he’d been keeping her fingers warm the whole time, since she only owned fingerless gloves.

“Now, you’re the one staring,” she teased, catching his glance as they walked.

“Can you blame me?”

She smirked. “Yeah, for being creepy.”

“I’m not creepy. I’m cute. You say so yourself all the time.”

She turned on her heel and looked up at him. In her snow boots, she was just  _ slightly  _ taller than usual. Though, it still wasn’t much. She leaned in and pressed her lips against his. She cradled her peppermint mocha with extra whipped cream against her chest, and let him wrap an arm around her to keep her from slipping on the slick sidewalks. Her mouth tasted like peppermint, sweet and strong, just like her, and he slowly pulled away.

“Mm,” he said against her lips.

“What, you want to try my coffee? I told you to get one of your own.”

“They were going to spell my name wrong, so what’s the point?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, just one sip. A  _ reasonable  _ sip.”

“Alright, alright,” he said, doing as she ordered. “Yeah, not my favorite.”

She smiled. “I know, you’re more of a pumpkin spice guy.”

He kissed the tip of her nose. “I just happen to think this one tastes better when I get to kiss you at the same time.”

She took his hand again as they kept strolling through town. They made their way to a small park, where kids were sledding down small hills and the little pond had frozen over for people to ice skate on. Shepard had already vetoed that idea, mostly because Kaidan played hockey growing up and could ice skate rather well. She didn’t want to embarrass herself in front of him.

There were few people around, and Shepard had been in a great mood all day, willing to talk about their future together and had showed him time and time again that she wasn’t going to run out of affection anytime soon. She also wasn’t the type of person to freak out in public, and he doubted she’d freak out in the first place. He figured now was as good a time as any to have a serious talk with her.

“Shepard, there’s uh… something we should talk about,” he said.

She looked up, and he could sense her holding something back. She swallowed hard. “Yeah, go ahead.”

He narrowed his eyes and shifted his grip on her hands. “You okay?”

He could hear the pain in her voice, and noticed her hands were shaking. 

“I’m fine… just…” 

Before she could say anything else, he pulled her over to a bench, brushing off the snowflakes that had fallen and made room for her. He took a seat beside her as she slowly eased herself down. She gripped her side for a brief moment and swallowed her pain again. Kaidan rested his hand on the small of her back and slid closer.

“What’s going on?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. I… I don’t know. We’ve been really busy at work lately, and I haven’t had a ton of time to stretch and take care of myself between shifts, so I’m sure I just pulled something. And physical activity hasn’t been making it better. Must have just moved to fast or irritated it.”

He nodded, not sure if he believed it. “You said that was bothering you a week ago.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, the holidays bring more clients and less downtime, so… probably just got worse. It’s okay. I’ve tomorrow off too. I’ll rest up and be fine. Or PMS and cramps… in that case, Advil and ice cream.”

“Okay.”

She rubbed her hands over her face, and he caught her pushing away the tears that had welled up in her eyes. “Oh, so… what was it you wanted to talk about?”

She was still hurting, that much was obvious, by the way she gripped at his hand and her entire body looked weak. Hell, whatever she’d done to herself was enough to cause her to tear up. Kaidan hadn’t known anyone as tough as Shepard in his life, and he had to believe something was bad if it got her misty. She didn’t need anything else added to her. She needed to go home and rest, and probably a back massage.

He shook his head. “No, no… it’s fine. It can wait. I’d rather just get you home and resting, okay?”

She sighed, and agreed. “Okay.”

“You good to walk?”

He stood up and held a hand out for her. She took it, and pulled herself up with a soft whimper. Kaidan slipped his arms around her and tilted her head up. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. He helped her take a few steps, but realized quickly it was going to be more work for her than she really needed.

“Hey, come on,” he said, bending down just a bit.

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “I  _ can  _ walk.”

“But you don’t need to. I can handle a little extra weight.”

She stepped closer and carefully hopped onto his back. He held her legs and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She pressed a soft kiss to the side of his neck and rested her head against his shoulder. He felt her sigh and curl up against him as much as she could.

“Alright, baby girl, let’s get you some blankets and ice cream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) ;) ;)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... Yeah, I'm sorry for what's about to happen. (but I cannot wait to hear feedback on this chapter! I've been so eager to write it since the start of this fic!) <3

Kaidan sat with his head against the edge of the bathtub, just close enough to the toilet. He hadn’t thrown up, but the feeling of nausea hadn’t gone away all day. He’d hardly slept the night before, and even holding Shepard in her bed hadn’t made it any better. He held her, but it still felt like she was slipping through his fingers. 

He  _ tried  _ to tell her, but when she hadn’t been feeling well, what was he supposed to do? The last thing he wanted was to make it worse. But his flight left in four hours and she didn’t even know he was leaving town. He wondered how many quick lies he could come up with to cover for what he was doing, but at this point, it was useless.

He heard knocking on the door, and he shut his eyes. 

“What?”

“You’ve been in there a while,” Ash said, “like… are you  _ okay _ ?”

_ No.  _

“I’m fine. Hang on, I’m coming out.”

He pulled himself up from the tiles and splashed water over his face. He swallowed his nausea and opened the door. Ashley stood on the other side and looked him up and down, and wasn’t sure what to make of him at the moment. 

“What’s wrong?”

He pushed past her and into his room, where his suitcase sat on his bed, ready to be zipped. Ashley followed him in and crossed her arms.

“Going somewhere?”

He paused and nodded. “Yeah.”

Ash smirked. “Are you and Shepard sneaking away somewhere for the weekend?”

He swallowed again. “No. It’s… uh… just me.”

There was a long moment of silence. He didn’t keep things from Ashley. She knew nearly everything about him, from his biggest ticks to some of the darkest things he never told anyone. She was the first person he’d really “come out” to, and it mostly due to the part of him that couldn’t bear her not knowing something so important about him. In the time they dated, they weren’t afraid to talk about problems they were having, or when one or the other wasn’t happy. Of course, it led to plenty of arguments, but they  _ never  _ kept things from one another. Now, it just felt as if the only person who knew anything about him was himself. He didn’t recognize the person he was right now.

“Well, okay…”

“I have a job interview.”

“Really?” she said, excitement behind her voice. “But… why the suitcase? Is it like one of those weird initiation training things where you have to spend three days reading a handbook?”

When Kaidan didn’t respond, and instead looked away, she pieced it together herself.

“It’s not around here… is it?”

Ashley looked away, and nodded. He knew what she was thinking. If he took a job elsewhere, he’d have to move. He wouldn’t be right next door to her, and he wouldn’t be there every time she wanted him. Neither of them had lived more than a room away from their best friend in years. They’d discussed it when he first planned on marrying Owen, how different things would be when he moved out and he and Owen - his  _ husband _ \- lived together. It was a change she told him she wasn’t ready for, and for some time, was more than insecure about.

“No… it’s uh, it’s in Virmire.”

He looked at Ash and saw her eyes water. “Okay. I didn’t know… I guess it’s not my life, though.”

He was silent a moment, and crossed his arms. “Look, nothing is set in stone. It’s just… a chance. Who knows if anything is going to come of this…”

That was just another lie. He knew he’d probably have a job in the next day or two, and if he took it, he’d be leaving everything here behind. The thought made him sick, and he wished they were having this discussion in the bathroom. 

“What does Shepard think about this?” she asked, quietly.

Kaidan turned around and began to zip his suitcase. 

“Kaidan.”

“What?”

“What does Shepard think?” she asked again, harsher this time. When he didn’t turn around or answer, she spoke again. “Please… please tell me she knows about this.”

“Ash,” he warned.

“ _ No _ , you don’t get to ‘Ash’ me. Tell me she knows about this, and that you two have talked about this job. You’re what… a couple hours from taking off and leaving, and you can’t just give a simple ‘yes’ because I will know you’re lying.”

He turned around, tears forming in his eyes. “What do you want me to say?”

Her eyes were damp with tears too. “I want you to tell me that you’re not doing this to her. It’s one thing if you make these choices without me, but without her? What the  _ fuck _ do you want me to say if she asks where you went? Am I supposed to make up some lie and cover for you? And then what? You get a job, and come home, and have to leave again?”

He swallowed his tears. “You don’t understand-.”

“No, it’s  _ you  _ who doesn’t get it, Kaidan. If you told Shepard what was really going on, can you honestly believe she’d hold it against you? Has she ever been anything less than supportive of you? God dammit, she’d been taking care of you all week and standing by your side as you dealt with the worst of it.”

“I tried to tell her -,” he began. “I tried to, but something came up. I just… ran out of time.”

“No, you didn’t try.”

Rage bubbled in his chest, and he knew he was going to say something he was going to regret. However, at this point, he was already throwing away his relationship, and probably his best friend. He had to wonder what else he had to lose.

“You don’t know that. If you think that I’m doing this just for myself, or to just purposefully be a fucking dick, then you have no idea what I’m going through. I spent years giving up parts of myself for other people because I thought that was what would make them stay. I’m tired of it, Ash. I just…  Is it so bad that part of me does want this? I just want to be someone that somebody could have a future with. And shit, I’m not going to get that working retail and hardly being able to pay my rent.”

Ashley wiped the tears leaking down her face and sniffled. “Kaidan, you have someone who wants a future with you. Right now, exactly as you are. And what are you doing to her?”

They were both silent for a moment, and it took everything in him to keep from breaking into tears as well, from calling it all off and going to Shepard, begging her for forgiveness, even if she didn’t know why. He felt even more nauseous now.

_ What are you doing to her? _

Ash scrubbed her hands over her face and swallowed. “What do you think she’s going to say to you? What do you literally think is going to happen?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

He sat down on the edge of his bed and dug his nails into his jeans. Ash didn’t go anywhere just yet.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t apologize to me. I’m pissed as hell at you, but I’ll get over it. Me being mad might be the least of your worries. But I’m not lying for you, or covering for you, so you better as hell tell her what’s going on.”

He swallowed. “I will.”

“Have a safe trip,” she said, and pulled his door shut behind him.

 

***

Kaidan hesitated a moment before knocking on Shepard’s door. Everything was squared away and ready to go before he caught a cab to the airport, and the last loose end was talking to her. His hands were shaking and he still felt sick. He was sure he was sweating through his shirt, and probably looked like he hadn’t slept in days (he hadn’t really). But there was no way he could cower out of this one.

“It’s open,” she said.

Kaidan stepped into the apartment, and looked around. Shepard was standing in the kitchen, making a cup of tea, still dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. Her skin was paler than usual and she looked exhausted. When they came home the night before, he’d set her up with some heating pads on her back and stomach and cooked her dinner. By the end of the night, she looked and seemed to feel better, but this… this was worse.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” he replied, stepping into the kitchen. He pressed a soft kiss to the side of her head. She gripped his shirt and nuzzled into him some more.

“What’s up?”

He froze a moment, and carefully slipped his arms around her instead. She curled into his arms, and let out an appreciative hum against his chest. He rested his head on top of hers and kissed the top of her head again. He breathed her in, knowing it very well could be the last time he got to.

“You feel better?”

She nodded. “Somewhat. I’ll give it another day off and not leave my bed. Unless you had other plans.”

Kaidan stepped away and sighed. “Yeah, we gotta talk.”

She glanced up at him and blinked. “Okay.”

He kept holding onto her hands. “I got a job interview-.”

Before he could finish, her eyes lit up. “What? You’re kidding! Where?”

He swallowed, and held back his tears. He didn’t expect to get emotional this quickly. But he also didn’t expect her to be so genuinely happy for him. Maybe if he had told her earlier, they could have found some way to make this work. Maybe Ashley was right.

“Look, it’s kind of a long story,” he said, stepping around the counter. “A while ago these two engineers came into work and they were recruiting, and were really interested in me. So after my hours got cut, Miranda reached out to them and got me a meeting with them. And… they really like me and want me to interview. It’s software development, which I’m good at. It pays well, and it’s… it’s what I want to do.”

She gave a warm smile. “That’s incredible. See? I told you it would all work out.”

“It’s just…”

“What?”

Kaidan shut his eyes. “It’s not local. It’s in Virmire.”

He heard her let out a deep breath. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

He opened his eyes and looked back up at her.  She didn’t seem to understand. And how could she? She believed in him so much that she thought he’d chosen staying here over money. His stomach knotted and his throat closed up. 

He knew he didn’t deserve her.

“Are you… oh… you want to go.”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah.”

He could see hurt flash across her face, but she pushed it back, and looked down at the mug on the counter. Her thumb traced around the edge of it, and he wondered if she was thinking of contingency plans, ways that maybe she’d be okay moving with him, or if she knew people looking for engineers or tech people.

“Look, I came here to talk to you because… because I leave in less than an hour.”

She didn’t move at first, and he couldn’t blame her. “What?”

“I have to catch a flight soon. I came to talk to you before I got a cab to the airport.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she shut her eyes, shaking her head. He couldn’t see her like this. He couldn’t believe that this time, he’d been the one to hurt her. She gripped her mug to keep from showing how badly her hands were shaking, and swallowed.

“Shepard, I know that-.”

“Kaidan, what the  _ fuck _ ?”

He backed away and didn’t speak. Keeping his mouth shut probably seemed like the best option at this point.

“I don’t understand,” she said, glaring up at him. Her eyes were red and swollen with tears, but she wasn’t crying just yet. She stood up, still gripping the counter with everything in her.

“I wanted to tell you-.”

“But  _ what _ ? What the hell was so hard to tell me? You could have come to me and told me what you were dealing with, what your options were and we could have gone through it together. Maybe I could have helped you figure something out. But instead, you did all this behind my back, and for what? What do you get out of this?”

He stood there, speechless, and felt his own eyes watering. “I don’t know.”

“How long did you know?” she asked, quietly.

“Jane-,”

“ _ No _ ,” she snapped. “Don’t call me that. Not right now. It’s not going to help one bit. How long did you know about this?”

“Just a few days…”

“But before yesterday?” she asked again, turning away from him. “Tell me that you didn’t know all about this before then. Before we spent a whole goddamn day fucking and talking about our future.”

He swallowed. “I did.”

He watched a single tear drip down her cheek and she tried her best to sniffle it away. When it didn’t work, she covered her mouth and shut her eyes. 

“Everything you said,” she began, “all that talk about marrying me, having babies… it was… it wasn’t true?”

“Of course it was!”

She cut him off. “But how could it have been? How could you have meant any of that, Kaidan, when you were planning all of this behind it? Is that your way of wooing me into leaving with you? How could you make me believe that there was something for us when you went ahead and did this behind my back?”

She was really crying now, and he almost couldn’t bear to look at her. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. Part of him felt like all he could do was just take what she threw at him, and deal with it. Whatever he said didn’t make a goddamn difference, and as cruel as she wanted to be to him, he more than deserved it. His eyes leaked with tears and he shook his head.

She wiped away her tears and crossed her arms. “Look, I know I kept things from you. I know that it was a mistake, and I get being scared to come forward with things, but… I thought we learned from it.”

“Shepard, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You could have just said it. We would have made it work.”

“I couldn’t have kept working at Best Buy, and I couldn’t take a second job. This was right here, and I felt stupid passing it up. I said all those things yesterday because I want that to be how our life is. I want to have a steady job, I want to have a  _ career _ , I want you to look at me and see someone that you can marry, be proud to call all yours. I want you to be able to look at me and see that there’s a future here.”

“I already do!” she said, raising her voice. He noticed immediately that something changed in her, and it reminded him of the day before. She gripped her side tightly and bit down on her lower lip. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I don’t love you because of whatever job you work or how much money you make. How is that so hard for you to get?”

“Shepard, I’m-,” he began, but saw the way that she gripped the counter even tighter. Something was wrong. “Hey, are you alright?”

He stepped forward and reached a hand out to her. She jerked her body away and glared up at him.

“Don’t touch me!”

The words stung both of them, and he could tell. She broke into tears again, and covered her mouth. He stepped away as if he’d been slapped, and wondered if he was now just as bad as anyone else who had hurt her in the past. She was  _ scared  _ of him. A tear dripped down his cheek.

“Please, don’t come near me,” she said, her voice racked with pain in more than one way. She let out a single, heartbreaking sob and leaned over the counter. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and apologize, tell her he wouldn’t go, and that they’d work through this, but he knew he’d just put himself in the same category as anyone else who had tried to hurt her.

“I don’t have to go…”

“It doesn’t make a difference,” she said. “You already made the choice. You dropping it now just because I’m upset isn’t going to fix it. The damage is already done.”

He swallowed and looked down. “Okay.”

She wiped the tears off her face and cleared her throat. “I guess when you get back… we’ll have to figure out what we do from here.”

He didn’t speak, just nodded.

“Good luck,” she said.

He couldn’t tell if she meant it or not. If she didn’t, he wouldn’t blame her. But there was a part of him that knew no matter how angry Shepard could be with him, she would never want him to be unhappy. Just the way he wanted for her…

“Thanks.”

“I’ll see you when you get back,” she muttered, beginning to migrate toward her room. She slammed the door shut and he waited a moment. He wanted to know if she’d break down again the second she had privacy, because part of him couldn’t leave if he didn’t know she was okay. He also knew that right now, she wasn’t about to let him take care of her. So he stepped back and shut her front door, and once she thought he was out of earshot, he could faintly make out the sounds of her tears.

 

***

Several hours later, Kaidan arrived at his hotel room. Virmire was a great city, right on the water with amazing views and beautiful beaches, even in the middle of winter. It was the kind of place he’d wanted to take Shepard on a vacation. Something for just the two of them to enjoy, laying out on the beach, getting tan, fruity cocktails. They’d talked about it that way too. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to look at this place as paradise now…

He set his suitcase next to the bed and pulled out a t-shirt and sweatpants, changing and getting ready for bed. He looked over at his phone on the nightstand, and it dawned on him that nobody had reached out to him. Shepard hadn’t texted him, Ash hadn’t. Even after Owen dumped him, when he thought that his life was at his lowest, he wasn’t alone. He’d never felt alone like this before. 

He reached over to his phone, and dialed Shepard’s number. He hesitated a moment before sending the call.

_ Asshole, she doesn’t care if you made it here safely. _

However, he pressed send anyway because he knew even if she didn’t answer, he’d at least hear her voice over voicemail. He sighed as it rang, again, and again. Finally, her voicemail picked up.

“Hey, this is Shepard. I’m not here right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!”

His eyes watered. She sounded nothing like that the last time they spoke. He wondered if he’d ever hear her talk happily with him again, or every word they shared from here on out would be laced with animosity and heartbreak. He was so caught up thinking of all the precious moments and the beautiful future he’d thrown away with her that he almost didn’t hear the phone beep.

He pulled himself together for just long enough to leave a message. “Hey… it’s uh… it’s me. I just wanted to call and let you know I got here safely and made it to my hotel. I don’t know what else I can say except I’m sorry. When I come home, we’ll just have to talk this through and see where we stand. I…”

He almost didn’t finish because he knew it wouldn’t matter. 

“I love you.”

He swallowed and hung up. He wasn’t expecting anything back, and that was okay. He laid back down on the bed, shoving away the extra pillows, and trying to make himself as comfortable as he could. The bed was cold and lonely, and he knew that no matter how upset he was, he didn’t deserve the comfort. His phone buzzed and he felt his heart rate pick up, hoping at least he’d hear from Shepard before bed.

Instead, it was Ashley.

His eyes flooded with tears anyway as he opened her message.

 

You get there okay?

 

He typed in a response, letting her know he had, but quickly deleted it, and instead called her. Ash picked up almost right away.

“Hey, you made it?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“Good. I bet it’s a hell of a lot nicer there than it is at home.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty.”

She hesitated a moment. “How did it go with Shepard?”

He didn’t answer, instead just swallowed and shut his eyes. He wasn’t sure if Ash could hear that he’d broken into tears, and he hoped she wouldn’t.

“I’ll survive,” he said.

She sighed, and sounded genuinely sad. “Oh, Kaidan…”

“How bad did I fuck up?

There was a pause. “Badly. Really badly. But I don’t think it’s the end of the world. I’m sure Shepard’s mad and hurt right now, but you’re also hurt. Whatever happens between you two will happen. I think that she’s going to come around. You may be in the dog house for some time, but just… the way she looks at you? That doesn’t go away with just one mistake.”

“Are you still mad?”

“Of course, but… I don’t know if I’m capable of knowing you’re hurting and ignoring it. It’s just not in me.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”

He shook his head. “No… it’s okay.”

“Alright. Take care of yourself, okay? And kill it tomorrow. You deserve a shot, finally.”

“Thanks.”

“Get some rest. I’ll be here if you need me.”

He nodded and hung up, setting the phone back to charge. He rested his head down on the pillow and wiped his eyes. He’d never been so happy for sleep to take him over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *passes tissues*


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there's only three more chapters going up after this (one of them being an epilogue) so enjoy, despite the angst. A huge thank you to shadowphoenixrider and caveat-monstrum on tumblr for helping me out with the medical stuff in this chapter as well!

Shepard leaned her head against the side of the toilet and checked the time on her phone. She was due at work in an hour, but she hadn’t been able to move from this spot all morning. She felt another wave of nausea take her over, and she braced herself for the inevitable. Each time took more and more out of her, and left her feeling weak and longing for someone to take care of her. 

She drew her hand to her side, where the pain was growing worse the more time passed. The last time she remembered pain like this was after her time in the military, healing from burns and shrapnel wounds that had split open her skin and nearly a full set of broken ribs. She remembered not being able to move from her bed for weeks, and eating more hospital food than she cared for in her lifetime. Anderson had been there for all of it, reminding her not to push herself too hard or to force her recovery before she was ready. He knew what he was talking about, having racked up a few of his own injuries during his time in the service, so she listened.

But she was younger then, and somehow, she wondered, less dumb. Maybe age had made her more of a stubborn pain in the ass. Maybe it was just knowing she could survive. She’d lived through the worst of it and come out okay. This was nothing. And if anything, she was  _ not  _ about to spend another day sitting in her room by herself, feeling sad. At least work offered her James, and plenty of distractions.

There’d been nothing from Kaidan all day, not since last night when she’d ignored his call and didn’t bother to text him. She listened to his voicemail, and regretted it immediately. It was easier to just be angry with him, to write him off as the enemy and just another dick in the books for hurting her, but he had to go ahead and sound so damn heartbroken in his voicemail. It just took hearing his voice waver once to confuse the hell out of her. 

Kaidan didn’t get off on hurting people, and she knew that. She knew him. He’d suffered enough heartbreak, and nothing he ever did was completely malicious. What he’d done was stupid at best, and she’d spent the past day wobbling back and forth between forgiving him, and reminding herself that she didn’t  _ have  _ to forgive him for hurting her. He was a grown man and didn’t need someone making excuses for him. What he’d done was low and dumb and probably not  _ meant  _ to hurt her so much, but it didn’t change the fact that it hurt worse than anything had in a long time.

Her eyes watered again, and she tried to swallow the tears, and remind herself that there was nothing she could do about this today. Kaidan was gone, and he might very well come back with a job that took him far away from her. She might have to truly cope with the idea that there wasn’t a future for them, and that everything she’d planned on for them just couldn’t happen. She felt stupid for even thinking it. 

She wiped away her tears, and stared back down at her cell phone again. It would have been so easy to call him back, tell him she was sorry and that all she wanted was for him to come home and take care of her. Part of her knew he would. He still loved her, and she knew last night in his voicemail, he wasn’t just saying it to make her feel better. He meant it.

Before she could swallow her tears and pull herself together, she ended up with her head in the toilet again. She rinsed her mouth and tried her best to pull herself from the floor. It took almost everything in her, but she was determined to get to work. She  _ was  _ going to get ready and head to the gym, she  _ was not  _ going to let this distract her. For now, she resolved that Kaidan was a shit head and she wanted nothing to do with him. It was what would get her through the day.

She brushed her teeth, and swallowed several painkillers, and washed her face. Her skin looked pale and her eyes were sunken in. Anyone with half a brain would know something was wrong, but with some makeup and coffee, she was hoping she’d be able to pretend. It took longer than normal to get dressed, trying to ease her sports bra and pants over her aching body. Sometimes the pain grew so bad she thought she’d be sick again.

Downing two cups of coffee and rubbing Icy Hot over the sorest areas, she resolved that she was ready for work and to finally get the hell out of the apartment. It wasn’t making anything easier being here. She stepped into the hallway, and glanced up at Kaidan’s apartment door. She knew he wasn’t there, but the ache of missing him was. For as long as she’d lived here, knowing someone she cared so deeply for was just two and a half steps away made her feel at home. She couldn’t imagine what would happen if they weren’t able to fix their relationship, or if he moved altogether. She hadn’t imagined a future where he wasn’t nearby. Not for them.

She slowly moved down the steps and down the street toward the gym. On her way, she passed Best Buy, and debated going in and giving them a piece of her mind. She wanted to let them know that if their stupid fucking management hadn’t cut his hours, they wouldn’t even  _ be  _ in this situation. Though, she had to imagine that a sickly looking redhead, who barely hit past five feet, screaming at them for taking her boyfriend away wouldn’t get very far.

She pulled herself into the gym and back to the locker rooms, avoiding talking with anyone on the way if possible. She said hello to Sam, and that was about it before finding James waiting for her at his own locker.

“Morning, Lola,” he said.

“Hey,” she muttered, opening her own and tossing her jacket inside. 

James was quiet for a moment, studying her, and she felt her eyes water under the pressure of being watched. She dipped her head further into the locker and tried to avoid eye contact.

“You doing okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yeah, fine.”

Before she could ignore him anymore, he rested a hand on her arm and pulled her out of her hiding spot. She swallowed and tried to look as put together as she could, but didn’t imagine it going so well. James cupped her face and took a close look at her. She tried not to let the pain show on her face.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t look it.”

“Look,” she said, pulling away from him, “I don’t feel great, but I’m fine. I have a job to do. I’m not calling out.”

He let go of her and reached into his locker, pulling out a protein bar. The mere sight of it made her feel nauseas again. She gripped at her locker door and shook her head. 

“No… no thanks,” she said. “Eating isn’t going to help. Can you just… pass me my water?”

He paused, but did as she asked. He was quiet as she drank, and tried to keep herself from puking again. He’d know something was up the second she had to frantically run to the bathroom, and there was no way he’d let her work under those conditions. She set her water bottle down and gripped the bench. After a moment, she stood up, and wobbled. James caught her quickly and made sure she was sturdy before backing away.

“I’m going to get Chakwas, okay?”

Shepard shook her head. “No. Please, don’t. If you do, she’ll make me go home. Look, if I tell you what’s going on, will you just let me stay?”

James thought about it a second and sighed. “It depends.”

“I’ve just been achy,” she said, downplaying it as much as she could, “and nauseous, but… it’s fine. That’s not going to kill me.”

“And you don’t know what’s causing it?”

“No. Whatever it is, I’ll get over it.”

James paused a minute and looked as if he were trying to figure out what the right thing to say was. He let out a heavy sigh.

“Shepard, do you think there’s chance you could be pregnant?”

She shut her eyes to avoid tears welling up in them, and ducked her head back into the locker so James couldn’t see her. She didn’t respond, and instead swallowed and tried to keep herself together. She’d be lying if she said the thought didn’t cross her mind, but after the first time, she didn’t let it.

“Because if you ask me, it sounds like a pretty reasonable-.”

“James!” she snapped, slamming the locker door shut. He jumped at the sound, and so did she. She ignored how much the force of it hurt her, and eased herself onto the bench behind her. “No, no that’s impossible. We’re  _ always _ careful.”

“I’m just saying: things happen sometimes,” he said. “I’m not trying to make you concerned, but I think it’s something you  _ could  _ consider.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s not. Look, it’s not that it’s impossible. I know that accidents happen and nothing is guaranteed, but I can’t be pregnant. I can’t. That can’t happen, because… because Kaidan’s-...”

James eased himself to the ground and slid between her legs. “What? Did something happen?”

She nodded and felt her eyes water. “He left, and I don’t think he’s coming back.”

James didn’t know what to make of it, and that much was evident on his face. “I don’t understand…”

“He has a job interview, and it’s in Virmire. Today. And he didn’t tell me about it until yesterday, and I don’t know… He knew about it, and didn’t say anything until it was almost too late. I just… I don’t get it. And if he gets this job, he’s going to take it. Either I move, and leave  _ everything _ here, or I leave him,” she began, and before she could stop it, she was sobbing.

“Hey, hey, hey, come here.”

James pulled her into his arms and carefully held onto her, letting her cry into his shoulder. She gripped at his t-shirt and tried not to hurt herself anymore, but each sob made the pain worse, and made her feel like maybe she  _ should  _ go home. But she didn’t want to go home if she was just going to be alone and hurting. 

“You’re going to be okay,” he said. “I promise. And no matter what happens, know that I’m  _ always  _ on your side.”

She held him even tighter and didn’t want to let go. This was exactly why she came here. When she was out of tears, she pulled away and James wiped her eyes for her. He was still worried, and that much was obvious, but he was here for her, and it was all she needed.

“Hey, we’ve still got a few minutes before our shifts start. Want to go hit some things? It will make you feel better.”

She let out a laugh. “Hit things?”

“Yeah, punching bags. You know.”

She smiled. “Yeah, I think hitting stuff sounds pretty great right about now.”

James held out a hand and helped her up. She swallowed her pain and followed him out into the gym. They went to one of the private kickboxing rooms for now where the bags were set up, ready to be hit. Shepard reached for a small pair of gloves and slid them over her hands. She didn’t know what aggression she wanted to let out, but letting  _ something  _ out was bound to feel great. At the very least, it was a place to put her anger.

She sighed and started taking hits, ignoring the pain in her side. Each punch made it worse, but she continued anyway. She was hardly focused on James, or anything outside the room, or really anything except the bag in front of her. It felt  _ good _ to be in her element, in something that she understood after being away from work for a few days, and letting her alone time eat at her.

“Just…” James said, “don’t break a wrist. Anderson will  _ kill  _ me.”

Shepard glanced over at him and smirked. “Come on, bones of steel, remember?”

He shrugged. “Well, I don’t remember that part, but okay, Lola.”

She went back to punching, and harder too. And this time, something sharp tore through her. She pushed on and ignored it as best as she could, but each fierce punch made it harder and harder to ignore. She bit down on her lip and kept going, making sure to breathe deeply to alleviate whatever was causing her pain.

She threw one hard punch, and felt the shockwave all the way up her arm, and the pain settled in her stomach again. She whimpered in pain and hoped James didn’t hear it over his own work out. She straightened up and threw a harder punch, and this one didn’t feel much better. Her eyes stung with tears, and she knew she should stop. But if she’d learned anything in life, it was that she was best at fighting back with as much strength as she had. And fighting back felt damn good right now.

The next punch came harder than the last, as did the one to follow. She paused a moment to catch her breath, but breathing had started to hurt too. She took a few shallow breaths in, and bent over her knees. James looked over at her and she held up a hand to let him know everything was okay, before standing and landing another punch.

This time, there was no adrenaline rushing through her to slow the sharp pains. Her fist collided with the punching bag, and her entire body felt as if it were being ripped apart. She wasn’t sure if she cried out in pain, or what had happened between the punch and hitting the ground, but when she opened her eyes, James was beside her.

“Shepard… hey, what’s going on?”

She couldn’t speak, and wasn’t even sure she could make noise, or cry. James helped her from her knees, onto her back and reached for her hand.

“Talk to me, okay?” he asked.

She could see the concern - no, not concern - raw panic on his face, having never seen her this vulnerable before. She wrapped her free arm around her body and gripped tightly at the fabric of her shirt. She gasped for air, but none seemed to come, and she could hardly hear what James was saying anymore.

“Shepard, don’t try to move, okay?”

She nodded and sobbed out a response, and grabbed his hand tighter, though she felt him trying to let go.

“I’m going to get Anderson, and I’m getting the doctor, alright? Can I do that?”

She let out a sad whimper, but let go of his hand, curling into herself again. She could feel her heartbeat all over her body and it was the only thing making her feel alive, considering how it was hurting to breathe. She thought she heard the door open again and more people enter. 

“Sweet heart,” Anderson said, “I’m here. The doctor and I are going to figure out what’s wrong, okay?”

She let more tears run down her cheeks and nodded, but didn’t know how to tell them she didn’t want to go to the hospital. She didn’t want to have to stay there, have people poke and prod her with needles anymore. 

“Okay,” she said.

He squeezed her hand and stroked the back of her palm with his thumb. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Shepard wished to god Kaidan were here, because she loved the way he took care of her more than anything. But he wasn’t, and for the moment, anger was all she could feel. She’d told him not to worry about her, that she’d be fine, but right now, now that she wanted him here, she was furious. Yet, at the same time, all she wanted was for him to hold her.

“She’s going to have to go to the hospital,” Doctor Chakwas said.

_ No _ .

“Of course,” Anderson said, “whatever we need to do.”

She didn’t know how to say it because even she knew it was stupid to ask for. She felt James come to her side again and rub her shoulder.

“Hey, I’m going to call Kaidan and let him know-,” James started.

More tears slipped down her cheeks and cut him off.  _ Please make him come back.  _ But instead, something else came out.

“Don’t bother.”

 

***

 

The Crucible offices were unlike anything he’d seen before. It seemed more like something out of a sci-fi movie than an office building. There were rows of white cubicles, giant computer screens, and hell, the cafeteria was something else. It was exactly the sort of place he saw himself working, being successful at.

Kaidan sat in one of the chairs outside Brynn and Edi’s office, where the two of them were chatting with their department head. He’d been waiting to get the interview over all day, and was beginning to wonder if it even mattered. So much was riding on how he did in the next hour, but he couldn’t help but think about all he was giving up to be here. What he would be giving up to take the job.

He slept surprisingly well for someone who’d thrown away the most important person in his life that day, but he still felt exhausted and empty. Not even four cups of coffee could save him from his feelings. Shepard hadn’t called or texted, and in a way, he wasn’t expecting her to. He far from deserved it.

His phone began to buzz in his pocket, and he slowly slid it out. Maybe it was her, calling to wish him luck, or just to talk. He wanted to hear her voice so badly, but it was doubtful she’d forgive him for what he’d done. And when he saw that James was calling, he knew that she’d told him what happened. He had no doubts that when he returned home, James would probably break his face, and he didn’t particularly mind. Maybe he did deserve a good punch in the face for being an asshole. However, what was James going to do over the phone? Tell him to not bother coming home? Give him a verbal asskicking?

He didn’t need that right now. It would all be waiting for him at home in the next day or so.

He slid his phone back into his pocket and cleared his throat as he sensed Edi and Brynn’s conversation inside winding down. He felt like he should have felt something, maybe nerves, maybe dread. He just didn’t know  _ what  _ to feel about this interview if he’d thrown so much away for it. He could hardly focus on anything but Shepard, the way she’d looked at him when he told her. He couldn’t stop to think about how he wanted to buy an engagement ring with his first paycheck, or how he’d take her on a vacation as well. 

His phone buzzed again, and this time, he had a bad feeling. He pulled it out and looked down. James again. He could understand James being angry, but James wasn’t going to call him several times to yell at him. He knew where to find him. There was no urgency in telling him what an asshole he was. As the call hit the last ring, he picked up.

“James, hey… Look, I know you’re probably mad, but-.”

“Kaidan,” he said, sharply.

“I’m coming back tomorrow and Shepard and I are going to figure things out then. I have to go into an interview in a minute and I can’t really talk right now.”

“Kaidan,  _ shut up _ ,” he snapped.

Kaidan stopped talking for a moment.

“It’s Shepard,” he said.

“I know,” Kaidan replied.

“No… Kaidan, she’s in the hospital, and I thought you deserved to know.”

He nearly dropped his phone, and didn’t respond right away. He didn’t know what to say to that. He knew something was wrong, between her struggling to walk the other day, and her clearly hurting yesterday, he  _ knew _ . And he left anyway. His eyes welled with tears, and denial bubbled in his chest.

“If this is some kind of sick joke to get me to come back-,” he started.

“I wish it was,” James said.

Kaidan looked at the office door and stepped away, somewhere a bit more secluded. He tried to swallow his tears, but failed. “ _ Is she okay? _ What happened?”

“She’s okay, all things considered. No one thinks it’s anything life threatening. She said she was in pain, but kept insisting she was fine and wanted to work. She pushed herself too hard and collapsed. So we got her here as fast as we could. She’s in a lot of pain, and that’s about all we’ve got so far.”

He felt weak in the knees and didn’t know how to respond. 

“How bad is it? Be honest.”

James paused. “I’ve never seen her that scared before.”

Kaidan shut his eyes and leaned against the wall. He knew there was no way he could go into that interview now. He couldn’t talk about his fucking career aspirations and what kind of asset he’d be to the company when he knew she needed him. He’d already failed.

“Okay,” he struggled out. “I’m… I’m going to figure something out. I’ll keep you updated.”

James paused. “Alright. I’ll let you know if I hear anything else.”

“Thank you,” he said.

Kaidan hung up and rubbed his hands over his face. He wiped away his tears, and turned the corner again. Brynn and Edi were waiting for him, big smiles, ready for him to go kill it with the boss.

“He’ll be ready in about five minutes.”

Kaidan didn’t respond right away, and looked down. “Look, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. Really. But I was wondering if there was a chance that I could… reschedule.”

Brynn and Edi exchanged a glance.

“Reschedule? You’re right here,” Edi said.

Kaidan nodded. “I know, but there’s an emergency back home and I should be there. Please, would you be able to find another time? I’ll fly out on my own dime, and arrange it all myself if you could just get me another chance. I know that I can’t go in there right now and give the interview I’m capable of. I know that.”

“We can,” Edi started, “ask at the very least.”

Kaidan nodded. “Thank you.”

“Just give us a moment.”

He sat himself down in the chair again and waited as they went back into the office to talk. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he was really wondering if it mattered. He shut his eyes, and tried to focus on his breathing. He wasn’t going to cry here, but he felt like he was damn close to it. The door opened again and the ladies stepped out.

“So?” 

Edi cleared her throat. “He’s not willing to reschedule.”

Kaidan froze. “Not even for an emergency?”

They shook their heads. “He says that you’ve cost him money, and he’d be more than happy to give the other employees we glossed over for you a chance, since they’re willing to commit. If you go in now, he can pretend like the previous conversation never happened.”

Kaidan smoothed his hands through his hair and shut his eyes. “Okay.”

“Are you ready?” Edi asked.

He took a moment to think it over, and looked up. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sniff* there's only TWO more updates after this chapter :(
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy some resolution here, and the ending to come. As always, your feedback is MUCH appreciated and I'm so grateful for everyone who takes time out to read, and especially review!
> 
> <3

Kaidan stepped through the doors of Huerta Memorial in a half-sprint that made the receptionist at the front desk panic. He hadn’t been able to get off his plane, and pay the cab driver fast enough for his liking. Every minute he wasted was another moment Shepard could have been in trouble. Everything since getting the call from James had been a haze, and he’d pushed so much of it out of his mind so he could just get here. 

“Sir, can I help you?” the receptionist asked.

“Yeah, I’m looking for someone. I don’t have a room number, though.”

The receptionist looked up and gave a curt smile, and Kaidan’s patience was about to explode. He didn’t have time for this lady to give him nice smiles. He wanted a room number, and he wanted to go take care of his girlfriend. That was all.

“Name?”

“Jane Shepard.”

She nodded and looked over the directory. Her eyes skimmed too slow, and Kaidan began to sweat and shake in anxiety. 

“You’ll find her in room 411.”

He sighed. “Thank you.”

He bolted as quickly as he could to the elevators and hit the fourth floor, trying not to bang into poor other patients or doctors. The elevator moved up the floors at a nearly glacial pace, and stopped at nearly every floor to let people on. Kaidan resisted hitting the “close door” button on a few, just so he could get there faster. When they hit his floor, he stepped out and scanned the waiting room area. He didn’t find James or Anderson waiting in the area, and started to look for the room, until he heard his name.

He turned around and saw James heading toward him, Anderson close behind. He started moving to them, and his eyes watered. James put his hands on Kaidan’s shoulders and stopped him just before reaching the room. He looked surprised in a way, to see him there so soon. There was anger behind his expression, and he hoped that James would at least let him  _ see  _ her.

“Hey, hey, hey,” James said, trying to stop him from bolting directly into the room.

“I have to see her,” he responded, blankly. It was the only thing he’d been able to imagine for the past several hours, walking into her room, seeing her finally, promising her that he’d never leave her again, begging for forgiveness.

“Son, it’s okay,” Anderson said, resting a hand on Kaidan’s arm. James let go of him.

“What’s going on?” he said, trying to keep himself together. “Is she okay?”

“The doctors said she’d developed adhesions, from the surgeries she had back when she was in the military. Scar tissue not healing properly and causing problems,” Anderson explained, “it’s not life threatening. Just painful as all hell.”

It was better, but not by much. She’d be okay, and at least he could breathe easier, but to know he’d left her in that much pain didn’t make him feel good at all. His eyes flooded with tears.

“What do they have to do?”

“They took her in for surgery a few hours ago, after they figured out what the problem was, and it was quick and easy. They don’t even think there’ll be another scar to add to the list.  She’s just sleeping off the anesthesia now.”

“But she’s okay?” he asked.

Anderson nodded. “She’s going to be completely fine. A bit sore and on the mend for a little, but she’s fine. Thankfully, it was nothing worse.”

Kaidan sighed and leaned himself up against the wall. “Okay.”

James nodded his head in the direction of the hospital room and let him step past. Kaidan slowly stepped forward, feeling weak and shaky, shocked his legs would even take him in the direction. It was a new feeling from being weighed down by guilt, but in some ways, this felt worse. It felt like defeat, failure.

He swallowed and hovered in the doorway, and his eyes filled with tears again. Shepard was asleep, completely still and it looked like the life had been sucked out of her. Her skin was paler than normal, making the freckles on her nose and cheeks that much more intense, and her lips were nearly colorless and eyes sunken in from exhaustion.

_ I should have known _ , he thought.

He stepped inside, and pulled a chair closer to her bed. He hesitated a moment before taking her hand, and quickly jolted when he realized how cold it was. He cradled it tightly and tried to warm her, hoping each little thing would make a difference somewhere.

“You’ve been here the whole time?” Kaidan asked, knowing James was still looming behind him.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“You know, I told her from the get go I was going to call you. I thought you deserved to know what was going on. She said not to bother.”

Kaidan felt hot tears drip down his cheeks and tried not to let James see. He couldn’t say anything without completely losing it. He knew he didn’t deserve an ounce of sympathy, and crying would have felt like begging for it.

“But… I could see right through it. Lola’s a shit liar.”

Kaidan managed to smile just a bit. “Yeah.”

“I knew she’d want you here. I just didn’t expect it to be this soon.”

“You can make a lot happen when there’s something on the line.”

James nodded and shrugged behind him. “Guess so. I’ll give you some time.”

Kaidan took Shepard’s hand and clutched it closer to him. He looked up at her and let more tears leak from his eyes. It was so hard to look at her, when it felt like they were so far apart still. He just wanted her to wake up and hear her voice, and have a more recent memory than seeing her so broken and sad. He’d give just about anything to hear her crack a bad joke or make fun of him. But in some ways, he doubted she ever would again.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m  _ so  _ sorry.”

He moved just a bit closer and pushed a few strands of red hair from her face. He softly pressed his lips to her temple, as several tears dripped into her hair. He hovered there for just a moment before taking his lips off of her soft skin. He hoped it wasn’t the last time he’d be allowed to kiss her.

“Just… just know that I love you, please,” he said.

She didn’t answer, and he wasn’t expecting her to. Not for some time, and maybe it was for the best. Maybe he’d have time to formulate what he was going to say, how he’d fix this and get things back to normal. Perhaps with some thinking, he’d figure it out.

He didn’t know how much later it was, or how long he’d been staying there lost in thought and holding her hand, but he felt someone wrap their arms around his body and press a soft kiss to his head. He recognized Ashley’s fruity perfume and gentle touch after shaking out of his daze, and felt so grateful to just not be alone.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey,” he replied.

She gave him a squeeze and sighed. “How do you feel?”

He shrugged. 

“You eaten?”

He didn’t answer, and actually wanted to pull away from her, remind her of what he’d done and how he didn’t deserve the affection or to have anyone care for him. But he already knew what she’d have to say. She would tell him that maybe he didn’t deserve sympathy, or to be taken care of, because he wasn’t the victim here, but he also didn’t deserve to torture himself. 

“Alright. I’m going to the cafeteria and making you eat.”

He groaned.

“Don’t,” she asserted. “At the very least, coffee.”

“Okay.”

She stepped away from holding him, and he reached out for her arm. She stopped and turned around.

“Thanks,” he said, “for being here.”

She nodded. “Of course. Someone has to make sure your emo ass doesn’t starve to death. And to be fair, Miranda is doing the same thing to James.”

He gave a weak smile. She paused a moment, and smiled back. 

“Men,” she grumbled, before leaving.

 

***

 

Shepard woke up to the sound of obnoxious beeping, as she had many times before. First, it was days after the car accident, her small and broken body still bandaged and stuck in enough casts and splints to last a lifetime, only to hear that her parents had been killed. Then it was her unit, waking up in a military hospital, with skin grafts keeping her together and healing. She had hardly been able to move then, and couldn’t for quite some time. She wondered what she’d have to wake up to this time. 

She remembered what had gone down, and while her time before surgery was a painful haze, she knew this was nothing like the other times. James and Anderson had been there the whole time, holding her hands as they went in for ultrasounds and tests, and poked her with needles and drew blood. They were okay. The people around her were okay, for once. Maybe healing would be significantly easier this time around.

She felt a warm grip on her hand, and someone’s thumb stroking the back of her palm. She recognized it all too well, the affection and tenderness. She remembered it from nights out to dinner, holding hands across a table, or lying in bed together, not wanting to get up and start the day and part ways. And even now, she didn’t want to let go.

She could feel her eyes water, despite them being closed, and fought to keep them back. She slowly opened them, and drew her eyes to her hand first. She didn’t want to move and shake him from his daze, because she wanted a moment to look at him first. Kaidan sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs at her bedside, clutching her hand in one of his, and cradling a cup of coffee in the other. She didn’t know how  _ she  _ looked, but somehow, she imagined he looked worse. 

His hair was falling out of place, messy curls springing from his head, and eyes swollen and red from crying and exhaustion. She could feel the weakness in his body, the kind that came from lack of eating and sleeping, and anxiety. It reminded her of the days after his hours were cut, where that had been a permanent state of being for him. She found it so hard to be angry with him, seeing how beat up he was.

She swallowed, and it caught his attention. He looked up, but didn’t quite make eye contact yet. Relief washed over him, but his body tensed up in a new way. He looked like a dog with his tail between his legs, ready to be thrown out. She sensed him questioning whether or not it was even okay to hold her hand. She hoped he wouldn’t let go.

“Hey, how you feeling?” he said, quietly.

“Okay. But… it might just be the drugs.”

He gave a weak smile. “Good.”

There was a long pause, and he looked away. His eyes watered. She clutched his hand tighter to bring him back, and he swallowed.

“You came back.”

He looked up, slowly, and nodded. 

“And the interview?” she hesitated. “How’d it go?”

He didn’t answer, and his expression was blank for a moment, before he turned to her.

“I blew it off.”

It took her a moment to process what he’d said. She didn’t know how long she’d been out, or even what time it was. When she realized he was here, she presumed he took an earlier flight to be home sooner, but it hadn’t occurred to her that he’d throw away his chance at an amazing job.

“Kaidan… wh-.”

“I know,” he said, “I know… But when I got that call from James, I couldn’t go through with it. I shouldn’t have even  _ been  _ there in the first place. I should have been here. I should have been with you, and dammit, I should have never even let the thought cross my mind. And I shouldn’t have left you when I  _ knew  _ something was wrong.”

Her eyes watered and she swallowed. He was already in tears, and sensed that he’d probably been on the verge of it for days. 

“But you gave up a shot to have the kind of job you’ve always wanted, you gave up an opportunity to be happy just to be here. I was going to be fine,” she gasped. The emotions coursing through her made her entire body ache, and her chest throbbed, but she couldn’t stop herself. “You threw it away for me.”

“I made a huge mistake, and I wasn’t about to make another. I know what I did was wrong, and I knew that going into it. But… I was scared. I was so scared of failing you, of not being the kind of partner you wanted for the rest of your life. I couldn’t watch another person I loved turn away because I wasn’t the sort of person people made a life with. I was so scared of it happening again, that I went and sabotaged myself. I took the first thing that the world threw at me, and it was completely the wrong choice. No matter how scared I was, it wasn’t a reason to hurt you. Nothing’s going to excuse that or make it any better.”

He let go of her hand and rubbed them over his face, trying to wipe away the tears sliding down his cheeks. He sniffled and looked away, and she knew then that he was completely expecting her to leave him. No matter what she felt, no matter the anger or hurt he caused her, he  _ did  _ feel it too, and he wasn’t this way by choice. Someone had done this to him, to make him feel like he wasn’t ever good enough. 

And even if he knew this was coming, he’d come back anyway.

She adjusted herself on the bed, causing him to turn to her and jump to attention. She held up a hand to let him know she didn’t need help. She took one of his hands and gave it a squeeze, drawing him closer to her. Her other hand rested on his cheek, her thumb brushing over his tearstained skin, and imagining him happy the way they used to be.

“I still love you, Geek Squad.”

His eyes filled with tears, and he tried to say something, but failed. Instead, she pulled him in closer for a kiss, which he happily accepted. The kiss tasted like salty tears, and she could feel him shaking, but she was so glad to just taste his lips again and know he was here with her. Part of her was afraid he’d never come back, and if he did, he wouldn’t face her, and that would be all. She wasn’t about to let something like that happen again.

He pulled away slowly, and a gentle smile crept to his lips. “Man, you know, I should have known that I was  _ never  _ going to take that job.”

“Why’s that?” she said.

“Because you would have had to stop calling me Geek Squad.”

She laughed, and shook her head. “Oh,  _ please _ , like I was ever going to stop.”

He shrugged. “True, considering I haven’t worked for Geek Squad a single day in my life… why would that stop you?”

“Exactly.”

He paused a moment and cupped her face, pressing his forehead against hers. She breathed him in and shut her eyes.

“I still love you too, baby girl.”

“I know,” she said. “So we make it work. It might not always be easy, but we take it a day at a time.”

She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against his forehead.

“I’ll make all of this up to you,” he said.

She let out a soft laugh. “Well, I’m not usually about making people atone for pissing me off… but if you’re offering… I’ve got a lot of laundry and some cleaning to do back at the apartment, and I’m a little out of commission for a bit.”

He sighed and laughed too. “Okay, deal.”

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sniff* Welp, it's the last chapter, and just the epilogue left. I can't believe this story is so close to being over :((( But I'm super grateful to those of you who have been reading and reviewing and have stuck with this fic for like... a shit ton of time. You guys are the real MVPs. Enjoy!
> 
> And as always, a huge thank you to my wonderful beta Joelle for being with me and this fic from the start. <3

“Alright, they closed?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard groaned. “Yes?”

He stepped behind her and slid one of his hands over her eyes. She rolled her eyes and laughed as he wiggled her door handle in front of her. 

“You better not have trashed my place,” she said.

He guided her inside, making sure she didn’t hit anything or crash, or some other catastrophe. He’d been absent all day, and had ordered Ashley to keep an eye on her until later in the evening when he could come back. She had no clue where he’d gone, but considering she wasn’t allowed to go to her own apartment all day, she had a few ideas of what he’d been up to.

The apartment smelled like fresh cooked food, and her mouth watered. Her time recovering had been rather simple, and laid back. Anderson gave her paid leave while she recuperated and a week and a half off before she went back at it starting in the New Year to accommodate all the people coming to the gym to get started on their soon to be dropped New Year’s Resolutions. She’d spent most of the time off resting and relaxing, with Kaidan doting over her and taking care of her hand and foot.

It had been nice, especially to spend all that extra time with him, and because of his lack of hours, there’d been a lot of it. She didn’t find herself getting annoyed with him for taking care of her, or for hovering, which was a shock. She recognized so much of herself in him now, and the ways he clearly wasn’t sure if he deserved her forgiveness. So she made the conscious effort to never make him beg for it. The selfish parts of her loved the willing and excessive affection he’d been offering her, and she never once questioned if it was genuine. She suspected that it was equal parts for her and for him.

“Mmm dinner,” she said.

She heard his low and easy laugh behind her and guided her further into the room. “Yes, dinner. Among other things.”

“That sounds dirty.”

“I mean, it  _ could  _ be.”

She giggled. “Well, Santa’s coming tonight, so you don’t want to do anything naughty.”

“I think we already made the Naughty List on Halloween, to be fair. Alright… ready?”

She sighed. “I’ve  _ been  _ ready.”

He pressed a soft kiss to the side of her head, and removed his hand from her eyes. She opened up and looked at her apartment. He’d clearly been busy today. Her eyes first drifted to the tree set up near the windows in her living room. The apartment smelled of fresh pine, and he’d strung colorful lights around the body of it. There were no holes, no gaping spaces in the branches, and small enough for them to manage. He’d slipped nicely wrapped presents underneath the tree as well. She hadn’t had a Christmas Eve at home since she was sixteen.

She’d thought plenty about all the firsts they’d have together coming up. First Christmas, first New Years, first birthdays together… it had all been exciting, and the thoughts made her feel so at home. However, ending up in the hospital not long before Christmas had squashed their plans to spend the actual holiday in Vancouver, along with sorting through their relationship.

“Oh, Kaidan…” she gasped, reaching behind her to grab him. He wasn’t far and was more than happy to hold her. 

He slid his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder. “You happy?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Good.”

“This is really, really nice.”

“I’m glad,” he said, and took her arm, guiding her down the steps into her living room. 

He helped her onto the couch, and headed to the kitchen to grab their dinner. He came back with two plates of glazed ham and mashed potatoes, with a side of vegetables as well. She smiled approvingly.

“To be fair, I was expecting steak.”

“Come on, steak isn’t traditional Christmas Eve dinner. You gotta do like ham or roast beef, like in  _ The Grinch _ .” 

“Well, look at you. It smells amazing.”

“Mm,” he said, sitting down, “not to toot my own horn, but this maple glaze should come with a warning.”

“You’re Canadian. If you do something with maple wrong, do they not let you come back?”

He dug in a bite to his mashed potatoes and ate it. “Yeah, and I can’t have that. We have plane tickets in a few days. It would be a… well, a hiccup if they didn’t let me go home.”

“Mmm, true,” she said, glancing up at him, mouth full of food.

He paused a moment and smiled. “What are you staring at?”

“You,” she giggled.

A coy look spread across his face and he looked down. She set her plate on her lap and reached across for his hand. He let her take it, but hesitated in returning the affection. She brushed her thumb against the back of his palm and gave his hand a squeeze.

“You know… you don’t have to punish yourself forever.”

“I know,” he swallowed.

“Look, I know that you feel like you need to spend all this time earning me back, fixing us… but there’s not much to fix. If it wasn’t this job issue, it would have been something else. We’re not always going to be happy with one another. Dating you or not, we’re both still human. We make mistakes. But look, even if we’re still healing from this, still getting back to how things always were, I still love you. So maybe you don’t have your flashy new job and a good paycheck, maybe we hold off a while on doing the things we said we would. Vacations, maybe moving in together… they can wait. Because I’m not going anywhere as long as you don’t.”

He looked up and gave a weak smile. “Okay.”

She paused a minute, but continued. “You know, before they figured out what was wrong with me… there was a part of me that thought I could have been pregnant.”

He swallowed. “Oh.”

“And I mean, obviously I’m not. But it makes you think… Like if this is a person I’m going to have a baby with, I’m stuck with them. Well, unless you were one of those dudes who just up and leaves once they have to pay child support or something.”

He quirked a small smile. “Uh, no.”

“It just makes you wonder if this is the person you want for the rest of your life.”

“And?” he said, his eyes sad and desperate for the answer.

“Yeah,” she replied, “you really are.”

He slid her into his arms and pressed a kiss against the side of her neck. She buried herself in his chest and in their blankets, before shutting her eyes and giving into him. She kept them closed, knowing there was a chance she might cry if she opened them again. The way he held her, how gentle he was with her, how she could  _ feel  _ that he loved her… she couldn’t believe she’d almost lost him. 

“You know we would have gotten through it,” he said.

He picked her head up and cupped the side of her face with his hand. He shut his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. She breathed him in, and pressed her lips against his. He kissed her back slowly, gently. Since she’d gotten out of the hospital, he’d been so careful, treating her like she was made of porcelain, leaving a hunger there for something more. He pulled away slowly and pressed a final kiss to her nose.

“You know, I’m not going to break if you kiss a little harder.”

He smiled. “Then we’ll work our way up.”

She smiled back. “Okay.”

“I love you,” he whispered.

Her heart tightened and she nodded. “I love you too.”

Her eyes drifted over to the wrapped presents underneath the tree, and she smirked. He glanced over as well and laughed.

“Naturally.”

“I have to go get yours.” 

She hopped off of him and the couch, and into her bedroom, pushing open the closet door to grab the collection of gifts she’d been accumulating since early fall. She carried them out, and when Kaidan stood up to help her bring them into the living room, she declined the help. She set them down, gently, not to break anything.

“Alright.  _ Now  _ we’re good. You open yours first.”

He looked up and smiled. “Okay, fine.”

He picked up the first box in front of him. He tore back the paper and crumpled it into a ball. She watched him carefully open up the box and smirk.

“Are you kidding me?”

She smiled. “Hold it up.”

He rolled his eyes and showed her the Geek Squad t-shirt inside the box. “You’re a monster, you know that?”

“I mean, you’re just going to have to wear it at some point.”

“Is it better or worse than the blue polo?”

“You won’t find out unless you wear it.”

He laughed and set it aside, opening one of the smaller gifts. It was a new thing of cologne, since he’d run out and Shepard had missed the old one desperately. It seemed like such a quintessential boyfriend gift, that she just had to do it. Especially for their first Christmas together. He opened up another box of clothing she’d bought because she thought he would look very handsome in it, and the smaller gifts on top, that were really just catnip toys and treats for Oleg. Which made him just about as happy.

He smiled when he finished and leaned forward to kiss her, but seemed incredibly excited now that it was his turn. He dragged the pile over, and it was size-wise a bit smaller. However, she was excited to see what he’d come up with regardless.

“Alright, enjoy, baby girl,” he said.

She reached for the biggest box first, and she happily opened the box, containing some giant, warm sweaters, and fuzzy socks. Then, she moved onto a smaller box, where she found a gorgeous gold necklace with a green pendant the color of her eyes. He stopped her as she got to the tiniest box.

“This is the best one. You’re just going to have to trust me,” he said.

She nodded. “Uh huh, okay…”

She peeled back the paper, and looked down. He smirked.

“Really?” she said, showing him the brand new iPhone charger.

“Yours is broken. It’s really broken. The wires are literally bursting out. And you’ve been stealing mine.” 

She rolled her eyes. “You noticed?”

“How could I  _ not? _ ”

“Okay, well… Thank you I guess. Even if it is just your attempt to get me to stop stealing your things.”

She reached for the last thing on top of the boxes, a small envelope with her name on it. She slid the card out of the envelope and two plane tickets fell into her lap. She picked them up and glanced down at the destinations. 

“What the hell? We’re going on vacation?”

He nodded. “Hell yeah we are. I figured it was about time we took a trip together, some place warm and sunny, just you and me. You know, tropical cocktails and nice massages. All-inclusive too.”

She smiled and looked up at him. “Kaidan, this is… this is great.”

“I figured we needed it,” he shrugged.

“We do. It’s just… look, I have to chip in somehow. This is  _ a lot _ . I can’t let this all be on your dime.”

He smiled and looked down, somewhat proud in a way. Happy he’d been able to pull something like this off, especially considering the previous few weeks. She had to wonder if it had been a gift from his parents, or if he’d had this planned for months ahead of time. Or maybe he was planning something extra special for their time there.

“Well,” he started, “that’s very generous of you, but… there’s also this.”

He reached behind him and passed her another envelope. This one was plain white, and she couldn’t really tell what this was supposed to be. She opened the envelope carefully and slid the few pieces of paper out. It was a formal document from a local tech company, and it took her a moment to realize it was a contract. 

She swallowed, trying to hide her tears. “You got a job.”

He nodded. “I did. Here. Ten minute walk, same salary as Crucible, health benefits. I start in the New Year, once we get back from our trip. So, it’s safe to say I’m on much less of a financial crunch now. Turns out some pretty cool things can happen if you don’t just take the first opportunity that life throws at you.”

She tossed the envelope aside and pulled him into her arms. He held onto her back and gave her a tight squeeze. She pressed kiss after kiss to the side of his head, and didn’t want to let go of him. He pulled away slowly and kissed her forehead. He weaved his fingers between hers and held her close. 

“I love you,” she whispered. 

“I love you  _ so  _ much,” he responded.

He leaned back on the couch and she moved with him, easing herself between his legs and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He kissed her harder, hungrier than before, and weaved his hands between her strands of hair. She gripped the fabric of his shirt, hands wandering all over his body. He gasped her name and tugged her closer to him. She pulled away for a spare moment and breathed him in, still tasting his smile on her lips.

“So…” he started, “Merry Christmas, baby girl.”

She smiled back, ready for another kiss. “Merry Christmas to you, too, Geek Squad.”

 


	28. Epilogue

**Six Months Later**

 

“You know what’s total bullshit?” Kaidan said, reading off an email from his phone. He was seated on the couch, making himself totally at home. She glanced over at him from her laptop and smiled. 

“What?”

“So you know how my office does dog days on Fridays? Like everyone brings their dogs to work and they just hang out and there’s just dog treats and peanut butter dog cones all over the place?”

“Oh, I recall,” she said.

“But yeah… it’s bullshit that we can’t have cat days. I mean, if we can bring dogs to work, how come we can’t bring our cats?”

She shook her head. “Do I need to remind you what happened two weeks ago when we tried to get Oleg to the vet?”

It had been a really sad sight. They’d corralled Oleg into his carrier, only for him to scratch the shit out of both of them, promptly get high on catnip, and mewl the entire cab ride to the office. Then, when they released him at the vet’s, he scratched the doctor again, and got a mark on his file for being a biter. Kaidan was still insisting that the vet was being unfair and didn’t let the decrepit cat adjust to new surroundings.

“Of course I do,” he said, sadly. “My son was blacklisted.”

“So I really don’t think you want to bring Oleg to work. Besides, he’s not nice to people besides you, me, and your mom, Kaidan. You’d be _that_ guy who brings his asshole cat to work.”

Kaidan grumbled something she couldn’t hear, and she smirked. She exited out of her web browser, and looked at her desktop background. It was a picture from the vacation they’d taken together months ago. Both of them a little sunburnt, the freckles on Shepard’s face popping out more than she liked, and Kaidan with the kind of tan that made his soft brown eyes seem even brighter and warmer.

He caught her glancing at it and smiled too. “You know, we should really take another getaway.”

“Mm, between that and the road trip, I think we’ve got to lay off for just a little while, but… maybe now that you’re a nine to five, Monday through Friday kind of guy, we could afford a nice weekend getaway.”

He stood up from the couch and paced over to her. He slid his arms around her shoulders, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. 

“True. Besides, we have an anniversary coming up, love.”

She nodded. “Yeah, one year of putting up with your nonsense.”

He nuzzled his face into her hair, pressing kiss after kiss to her. “You’ve got that right.”

She pulled him down to her level, and he kneeled in front of her next to the desk. She cupped his face and pressed a long, tender kiss against his mouth. He kissed back and wrapped his arms around her body. She could still taste his smile as she pulled away.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“Love you so much.”

He hesitated a moment, and she felt him tense up.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No, nothing’s wrong.”

“You know,” she began. “It really makes a girl nervous when you turn on your thinking face just seconds after we kiss.”

He smiled and shook his head. “What if I was just thinking about how much I love you?”

She wrapped her arms around him. “Well, then, I guess that’s okay.”

“Hang on,” he said. “I’ve got something for you.”

Kaidan stood up, and quickly left her apartment. She watched him leave, curious, but he came back quick enough, holding a single disc in a thin jewel case. She narrowed her eyes as he set it on her desk.

“What’s this?”

“It’s something I’ve been working on.”

She opened the case and examined the blank disc. “What’s it do?”

“It’s a program.”

“But what does it  _ do _ ?”

He crossed his arms. “Hey, do you not trust me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re asking me to install some weird black market program onto my computer, and won’t even tell me what it does?”

“It’s an operating system.”

“You built an operating system?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

“Sure.”

“All by yourself? Or did you steal this? Is the NSA going to come after me for putting this on my computer?”

He laughed. “Of course not. I’d never get you in trouble. Just… try it?”

She sighed and popped the disc out of its case, and slipped it into her disc drive. Kaidan leaned against the back of her chair, looking over her shoulder as the computer whirred and processed the content on the disc. She looked back at him, and he goaded her to look at the screen. She did as he insisted and watched as the program blacked out her computer screen for a moment. She swallowed, thinking maybe it would have been a good idea to back this all up before letting her idiot boyfriend break her computer.

The screen shook a few times, and then a ghastly series of black and multi-colored pixel vomit colored lines appeared on her screen. Her heart stopped, and she thought of all the things on her laptop that she’d lose if he screwed this up. 

“Kaidan?”

“Mm?” he said, as he wandered over into her kitchen.

“Kaidan!” she shrieked.

“What?” he groaned. “Just… watch it.”

“It’s destroying my laptop!” she yelled.

He grunted and made his way back to her. “Gosh, stop yelling at me. Give it a second, give it a second.”

She crossed her arms, and waited for the lines to totally fade, and go to a completely black screen. A few seconds later, the computer buzzed to life and a new, off-white screen appeared and soft gray lettering said ‘hello’ in a few different languages.

“This just looks like Apple,” she said.

“Oh, this is better. Just wait.”

“You keep saying that, and yet…”

“Shh! Look, it’s asking for information.”

He kneeled next to her, and rested a hand on her leg, and the other near the keyboard of her computer in case something else went on the fritz. She looked back up at the screen as it asked her to type in her chosen display name. She hesitantly typed her name and pressed enter. It asked for security questions next.

 

_ When is your birthday? _

 

She typed April 11th into the textbox, and hit enter.

 

_ What town were you born in? _

 

She obliged, typing ‘Mindoir’ into the box. She glanced back down at Kaidan for a moment, trying to scan his face and figure out if this was actually going according to plan. He seemed neutral, but nervously tapped his fingers on the surface of the desk.

 

The next question made her raise her eyebrows.

 

_ What is the name of your spouse? _

 

“Jeez, Kaidan, do you really think single people aren’t going to buy your software?”

He shrugged. “It’s an easy question.”

“No it’s not,” she asserted. “I’m not married, so what am I supposed to put? Maybe in five years if I need to get into my computer, I’m going to have to think real hard at what I would have put at this current moment.”

She glared down at Kaidan and he shrugged. “You can just put ‘unmarried’. It’s not going to kick you out or deny you for putting that.”

She blinked a few times and sighed. “Fine.”

She hesitantly typed ‘unmarried’ into the box. The text box disappeared, and the text did as well. She narrowed her eyes, and there was a long pause before more words appeared on the screen. First, the word ‘Well…’ in large, floaty letters, before it settled near the top of the screen.

“I mean, naturally, an operating system designed by you would be sassy and ridiculous,” she said, glancing down at him. He was biting on one of his thumbnails, and his eyes flickered back to the screen. It took her a moment to figure out that she was supposed to pay attention to that, and not him just yet.

 

_ Well… _

_ Will you marry me? _

 

Her heart stopped and she swallowed, but felt her eyes water anyway. She turned to Kaidan, kneeling beside her, already holding one of her hands. He seemed all too happy, too amused, and if she weren’t on the edge of tears, she would have yelled at him for finding her shock entertaining.

“Jane?”

She nodded. “Yeah?”

“There’s nothing wrong with your computer. That’s not even really an operating system.”

She laughed. “I can see that.”

He slid just a bit closer to her, and took her hands in his. “Look, I know I’ve done this before, and I’d spent a long time thinking of the perfect way to do this, and I thought I’d be more nervous, that this would be the scariest moment of my life. But it’s not. Truth is, it feels like waking up. You’re the absolute love of my life, and I’ve never been more certain I wanted something than I am right now. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you. I’m the luckiest man in the world to have you.”

He let go of her hands and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a small box, and popping it open. Inside, sat a glittering, simple, circular cut ring. The lump in her throat grew, and her eyes leaked a few tears.

“Will you marry me?”

She swallowed her tears, and tried her best to form words. She wiped her eyes and nodded. “Of course I will.”

Kaidan slipped the ring out of the box, and onto her finger, and quickly pulled her into his arms. She buried her face into his neck, and pressed kiss after kiss to his skin. He cradled her against him, squeezing her tighter than he ever had before. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

He picked her head up out of his shoulder and cupped her face. He paused a moment, and pulled her in for a kiss. She kissed him back, fingers weaving between his curls, and never wanting to let go. He pulled away quickly and looked back at the computer.

“You… uh… you gotta type your answer.”

She laughed and shook her head, kissing him again.

“No, really,” he repeated, between kisses.

Finally, she pulled away, turned to the keyboard and typed ‘yes’ into the text box. Tiny, pixelated pieces of confetti rained down from the top of her screen, and he smiled at his accomplishment.

“I made that, you know. I made those.”

She kissed the side of his head. “They’re wonderful, baby.”

He stood up and held a hand out for her, helping her out of her desk chair. She took his hands and stood as well, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She drew one down to his chest, and his eyes met hers at her ring. 

“It’s gorgeous,” she said.

He blushed. “You happy?”

“So happy,” she replied. “We’re engaged.”

Part of her thought that maybe saying it out loud would make it feel less surreal, but the words still sounded crazy to her. Elated, happy, at peace, but crazy nonetheless. 

“Hell yeah we are,” he said, stroking his thumb against her cheek.

She looked up at him, and their beaming smiles met. He spun her and squeezed her tight against his body.

“So…” she said, giggling. “Now that we’re getting married… We’ve got something to work out.”

“And what’s that?”

“You… moving into my apartment. With me. Well, eventually. You know… leases and shit. And Ashley, of course.”

He smiled back. “Oh, babe, that’s a really big thing to ask of me. I mean… I don’t know if I’m ready to move all that distance. All my stuff, coming this far away?”

“I know, I’m simply evil.”

He nodded. “Yeah, you really are. You know, those two steps between our apartments might kill me.” 

“And a half.” 

“What?”

“It’s two and a half steps apart. Remember, the half step might kill you. Trip and fall, and bite it.”

“Alright. You got me. Two and a half steps.”

“Better.”

He beamed back and cupped her face. “I think it’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to make.”

 

_ The End _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I can't believe this fic is over. I've spent the past year working on it and it's been so absolutely important to me, that I'm really, so sad to see the story come to a close. I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been reading and keeping up with this fic and who has been such an awesome support system over the past year. There have been some real highs and lows in the course of writing this bad boy, but I'm so truly proud of it and I hope that you guys love the ending as much as I do!
> 
> I definitely plan on writing more about Jane and Kaidan in this universe through oneshots and other little stories here and there, so keep your eyes peeled! They'll all be uploaded here in the Two and a Half Steps universe folder on my page.
> 
> I also wanted to give a huge special thanks to my beta, Joelle (elenafishersgf on tumblr) who has been with this fic since the beginning, and I seriously couldn't have done it without her help and support! <3


End file.
